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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Kill Ride Moderators: bert
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  Author    Kill Ride  (currently 7874 views)
Don
Posted: May 1st, 2006, 8:14pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Kill Ride by Sean Elwood (thedeadwalk2nite) - Horror, Thriller, Suspense - After most of the rides in an amusement park malfunction and kill everyone in the park, the park is closed for good. A few teens decide to sneak in and have one last chance of fun, but they discover a terrible secret deep inside the park as "demons" possess each ride, killing the teens off one by one. Now they have to get out of the amusement park before they become part of the park. 83 pages - rtf, format


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Zombie Sean
Posted: May 1st, 2006, 9:20pm Report to Moderator
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I have a feeling I put the word "park" too many times in my summary...Oh well. Enjoy!

Sean


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Shawnkjr
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I remember reading about this in the works in progress section. Sounds fun...but maybe a little too reminescent of FD3. I'll give it a read and tell you what I tthink soon after.

-sHaWn


Scarefest 2 presents: Home Malone - Short/Horror http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1220187087/
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Steve-Dave
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I'm about 30 pages in so far, so I'll tell you what I think so far before I forget. The major thing is that I don't think they would be so oblivious to everything that went on there, with the accidents and all. I also think that they would see or at least hear about all the damage that was caused, and wouldn't ride rides on an abandoned amusement park in the first place. But suspending disbelief and asuming these kids would do that, it's not bad so far. The dialogue and characters are pretty decent, and the addition of the spirit on the handhelled camera I thought was pretty good. The only thing I'd say is that there's too much description. I understand that you have to describe a lot, since a lot of the suspense is action, but there's just TOO much, especially for only 84 pages. Between the length and the description, you'd only probably have about an hour of actual movie. Especilly when you're describing things like what Ian and Christina had on their hot dogs, you know? I'd just cut a lot of the fat out cuz you just have pages and pages of description. Keep it short and sweet. And I'd really like to know just how much time there was between the accidents and the break in. Is it 1 year? 2 years? What? And you;re adjectives get a little ambiguous sometimes. Like, you said that one of the characters did something "preppy", that just seems kindof unspecific. I understand, but you might want to say something more like "snooty" or a synonym of it. And in another description, you said the light casted a "malevolent glow". Well, just what kind of glow is malevolent? Other than that, you're good at pushing the story forward, and keeping the reader interested.


"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
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Zombie Sean
Posted: May 2nd, 2006, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the comments.

Sryknows:


Quoted from Steve-Dave
The major thing is that I don't think they would be so oblivious to everything that went on there, with the accidents and all. I also think that they would see or at least hear about all the damage that was caused, and wouldn't ride rides on an abandoned amusement park in the first place.


I was thinking a lot about one of the kids talking about why the amusement park did what it did, but I was thinking that was too cliche and wouldn't work out. I'll go back and have some of the rides completely demolished, and have them remembering some reports about the accidents.


Quoted from Steve-Dave
Especilly when you're describing things like what Ian and Christina had on their hot dogs, you know?


About that... The story is, I stopped working on this script for a while and decided to work on another to rest my mind a little, and I sort of just skimmed through what I had so far on this script before I started writing some more, and I saw this after I posted, and I thought it was a little out of hand how I described exactly what they had on their hotdogs. Same with their clothes...


Quoted from Steve-Dave
And I'd really like to know just how much time there was between the accidents and the break in.


You'll find that out later in the script.

As for the adjectives, "preppy" would be a word most people would understand, though I do think it could be a little stereotypical of me..."malevolent glow", sort of like in horror movies where it casts sort of like a green glow, flickers a little, and there isn't much light, but you get the sense that there is an evil presense watching you. If you know what I mean.

Thanks for reading it and I'll take your comments and suggestions into deep thought and see what I can come out with.

Sean

EDIT: This isn't a major thing but I didn't want to confuse anyone, but in my script, after Ian and Christina get their hotdog, and they hear screams and stuffs (I think it says "They turn to the sound of the commercial".) It is supposed to say "commotion," not "commercial."


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Steve-Dave
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About the malevolent glow, I knew what you meant, but just meant you might want to describe it better, as there is no real way of know ing if a glow is malevolent or not, you know? But anyways, I read a little more, and I really got turned off when they decided to go on another ride after what just happened to them. They almost died and saw an unexplainable creature on the camera, and they decide to go on another ride??? I like the way you write dialogue and move the story forward, and how you try to work other dynamics into the sory. i.e. the self mutilating of stacey, their problems, their relationships, interactions, etc. It's not so one dimensional like most horror movies. But the actual story I think is just doesn't seem like it would happen. It has a lot of potential, but think it would be a lot better rewritten to be a little more believeable, and to cut out some of the fat in the descriptions.


"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
"I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson
"It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush
"Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck
"What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face
"Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15
"No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition
"Matt Damon" - Matt Damon
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Shawnkjr
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You didn't have page numbers so I pasted it to Final Draft so I could read the page numbers. It's easier that way.









SPOILERS!!!













Pg.1 - Nice Descriptions...I can feel the atmosphere

Pg.3 - I hate ferris wheels...It takes 10 years to get down after the ride is over!

Pg.4 - I don't get the dialogue exchange between the ferris wheel operator and Ian. What didn't work?

Pg.7 - The rollercoaster ride fooled me too! I thought they were surely dead!

Pg.9 -
Quoted Text
Suddenly the gears impede sharply, stopping the ride with a sudden jolt. The woman's neck snaps as her head topples over the restraint
THAT SOUNDS extremely painful!

Pg.10 - Wow That's a lot of description. This might be forboding to some readers.
-Zero Gravity's Destruction: Brutal-Great
-Destination Hell's Destruction: Holy Crap! I'd be terrified in that situation. That must suck!

Pg.11 - Speeder's Destruction: Why is this funny?...I've played Roller Coaster Tycoon and did this to the same type of ride on accident.
ookay, why do we need to know what they have on their hot dogs?

Pg.12 - NICE OPENING!...I liked it.

Pg.14 - I predict Carey will be the survivor or at least one of them.
Oh Great! You have a guy with a video camera. Seems like all the recent body count fillms now have a character with a video camera permanently attched to their hand. This usually causes their death. (Examples:Final Destination 3, House of Wax, House on Haunted Hill). and you also have the pair of bitchettes

Pg.17 - I know you can't just walk up, press a button and get on a ride...Don't you need a key inserted first? Where would they find the keys for each ride?

Pg.22 - Wait...In thought Page was on the ground. How could she be talking to Greg who's high on the ride.

Pg.25 - Okay, so the burger place has cobwebs and dust and cracks but the burger patties are still good with no ice or anything?

Pg.27 -HAUNTED AMUSEMENT PARK. SO THE RIDES ARE POSSESSED! Booga booga!

Pg.28 - this is starting to seem a bit cheesy because of the dorky Monster or demons or whatever.

Pg.30 -
Quoted Text
Well at least I don't cut myself to save me from all my depressing events."

Low Blow!

Pg.33 - Yes! I see just a little bit Character development there. A little cutting...because of daddy there. A little depression. Talk about that depression. Wanna...wanna cry there. Is that a little droplet I see? A little tear on your cheek there? (Sorry...i couldn't resist -that is how some people talk when they are trying to be funny and exaggerate a point)

Pg.34 - Page
Quoted Text
I need you yo kiss it to make it feel better

Are you serious? I hope she dies.

Pg.35 - What idiots! Oh...they almost kill themselves on one ride...WHY NOT get on another one? Even though they saw those creatures in the camera! I'm glad it's swings though. This could be great! Imagine the swings going so fast and wildly that they break off and people go flying and crashing into buildings! LOL. (Yep, I laughed my ass of on the ring when the horse jumps off the boat and tumbles and flips down how is that not funny?)

Pg.37 -
Quoted Text
She flies through the air and lands on the ground, rolling imto a metal gate

ha! Sorry but this is hilarious! I know i'd be terrified in that situation but this would be hilarious to see on screen. I can't stop laughing!

Quoted Text
They crash into the ground and ROLL away!
LMAO!

Pg.38 -
Quoted Text
...dragging Page across the ground and throwing her back up in the air

LOL Oh my god! My stomach hurts from laughing so hard! I know this shouldn't be funny but it is to me!

Quoted Text
Metal poles slice through Haley's abdomen
OUCH!

Pg.42 - Page! What is wrong with her? Why does she walk off for no reason when she knows there's something dangerous after her? Here is what I call a DBM (Dumb Bitch Move)

Pg.43 - Yeah! A suspenseful bathroom scene! For some reason I love horror scenes that take place in bathrooms or elevators. (High Tension has one of the best!)

Pg.44 - It Would be so hilarious if Page just pulls down her pants and starts taking a dump while the graveling or demon or whatever it is looking for he in the stalls.

Pg.45 - Oh, cool
Quoted Text
They run up to the entrance but the gates arent there. It's only a tall brick wall
Nice! This makes me think of NIGHT OF THE DEMONS!

Pg.49 - Your script has so much...almost too much description. Sometimes you describe things that aren't important to know.
PAGE IS IRRITATING!

Pg.51 - The bumper car scene was awwsome! Very entertaining and exciting-like the opening.

Pg.55 - Okay, Page is just too dumb for anything. Why'd she go in the funhouse? I'd try to get as far away from any attraction as possible!

Quoted Text
Suddenly one of her scars split open
Ah! This is like freddy krueger where they take advantage of the character's weakness. ("What a Rush" "Welcome to primetime bitch")

Pg.56 - I thought the spinning ride broke off!

Pg.57 - Quentin's video confession is way to reminescent of blair Witch...and random...you should take it out.

Pg.60 -
Quoted Text
Page has nails piercing through her arms and legs

I fell bad for her, I didn't think i would though.

Quoted Text
the tube falls to the ground, landing on the casket held by metal wires...the wires snap...tube falls lading on the casket

That's messed up
FLASHBACK...hmmm...i smell an explanation as to why the park is HAUNTED.

Pg.61 - Now I know why the Spinning ride is like new.
ha-ha 6/6/66...My cousin was born on this date...but he's not possessed or anything.lol. Oh so every 666 date...shit happens! so next will be 6/6/2066?

Pg.62 - So the crashes and everything happened the last night? Then why were there spiderwebs and dust everywhere in the burger place?

Pg.65 - The reasoning behind the haunting seems a bit random
Quoted Text
Three's a multiple of six and if you add itself, it comes out a six also

I'm sure the demons all got "A's" in math.LOL

Pg.66 - Ah! I hate video camera people! Actually I liked the ones in House on Haunted Hill and House of Wax but I don't like Quentin at all. Someone needs to shove that camera up his ass.

Pg.71 - Why does Michael need the camera so much that he has to risk his life for it?

Pg.72 -How convenient! Too Convenient. I mean..what are the chances of finding a very expensive mini dv camera that plays that exact same kinda tape as the other camera!

Pg75 - This part (Stopping on the rollercoaster upsidedown with the shoulder restraints releases) reminds me of the opening of Fd3

Pg.77 - Stacey was jst brought back to get killed again. LOL

FINISHED!


I don't really understand the ending. At first you said they were on the final day...but in the morning...which is the next day...the rollercoasters kill again. In the end....where they have to climb the rope over the wall to escape the danger...i was having flashbacks to Night of the demons except in that movie, the rope was BARBED WIRE! Ouch! I really like the opening first 12 pages. I think that was the best part of the script. The best parts of course were the rides malfunctioning. I loved the bumper car bit. That was great! The logic behind it all was iffy. I mean...so what if it's 666. Why's they pick that park every single time? Why an amusement park at all? Why not a water park(i can see that), a zoo, grocery store! lol-Could you imagine killer brokley! I didn't really identify with any of your characters. I usually have a person that i root for but i didn't in this.
QUENTIN - He was annoying!That camera! Ugh!
MICHAEL - He was okay. a little bland
HALEY - She was exactly what you wanted her to be.
PAGE - Dumb, dumb, dumb! She didn't have a chance!
STACEY - I liked her but not really, she's okay
CAREY - I knew right away that she'd be the survivor. I wanted to know more about her. You barely focus on her.
GREG - I knew I was missing a character but I didn't know who so I had to look back in the script to find out who. I forgot all about him but i liked his death scene.
Overall...i think this was a pretty fun read despite some lapses in logic. Everything after the near death experience on Destination: Hell other then the death scenes  was okay they kina of drag a little.
I enjoyed most of this


-sHaWn   


Scarefest 2 presents: Home Malone - Short/Horror http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1220187087/
Spoiled - OWC Horror/Milk Exercise

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Shawnkjr  -  May 3rd, 2006, 12:11am
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Zombie Sean
Posted: May 4th, 2006, 8:46pm Report to Moderator
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Okay you know what? My computer is being stupid and erases everything in my reply box at a certain point! I was almost done (and it was a long reply) and it just went away! GRRR!  >

Anyways, to make a super duper long review short, I'll try and fix some things up and I am glad you liked to laugh at my script. I enjoy making people laugh. I'm taking notes right now, and I'll start on my revised script when I get a few more comments on how I can change this up.

And yes I get out of hand with my descriptions.

I hate my computer.

That is all.

Sean


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Braksnen
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Quoted from Shawnkjr
I remember reading about this in the works in progress section. Sounds fun...but maybe a little too reminescent of FD3. I'll give it a read and tell you what I tthink soon after.

-sHaWn


wait a second... there's a works in progress section?


I am an ex-con who has grown over the past several years. I hope it shows.
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ALIEN MAN
Posted: May 12th, 2006, 6:51pm Report to Moderator
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I haven't read the whole script but the part where all the rides went out of control was great. The most paiful one would be when the woman's neck snaps in a blink of an eye


Writing an action movie. EVery other script I was making got deleted and my PC crashed. MY action movie will be completed in about two weeks.
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darthbrion
Posted: May 29th, 2006, 1:37am Report to Moderator
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I liked it man lol

not as good as Dead & Walking but this was right up there with some of the best reads I've had on this site.

the crazy ride kills were awesome and hilarious in a sick way.  

and that's kinda my biggest complaint.  some of the deaths are so over the top people might not take it as seriously as you want it.

then again what the hell do I know?

good job man, keep it up!

brion
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Zombie Sean
Posted: May 29th, 2006, 10:05am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading my script Brion. About the deats (hehe), that is what some people say about the Final Destination movies or something. But who knows, maybe I didn't take them seriously either...

Sean


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James Fields
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Hey Sean!!! I have my review all lined up for you.

I just finished the script. Some parts were good some parts were not, and here you will find out what errors have been made with your script.

Your story is overused with a bunch of teenagers who are retarded going somewhere with beer and wanting sex, but yours in a way was different. Just because of the gory deaths I liked it more.

The deaths were great, nasty, and sent shivers down my spine.

Dialogue was typical teen slasher dialogue. Screaming, crying, fighting, and sex. The descriptions were way better than the dialogue between characters. I just wanted to kill all of the teens myself.

Your formatting had a few rough edges in some spots as well, but other than that it was on the down-low for formatting problems.

There were a few errors like when Stacey starts to cry right before her scars split open over her two dead friends. I don't think she knew that Greg was dead, or am I wrong? Let me know.

You've got a good script on your hands. (I say that a lot, but it's true.) You should touch it up on the spelling issues, plot holes, and other minor problems.

3/5

Nice work Sean!


Coming Soon:

I finally found the title for my short.

Acronym- You've been warned...

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Hey Sean. I know it's a little late but I just got around to reading this.

I was pretty entertained for the most part. A traditional story: "Teens go into a deserted area and get killed", but fun and enjoyable nonetheless.

You definitely know how about how to pace your story and your dialogue is A-Okay, despite the sterotyped characters.

You had some nice Horror scenes thrown in too, like the reflection in the mirror and the animals in the merry-go-round.

One thing I disliked though was that half-way through you started showing the creatures clearly and describing them fully, throwing any sense of mystery they had out the window and it got cheesy. Other than that this was a good, quick read.

--Julio  
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bert
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Hey, Sean.  I've wanted to look at this for a while -- hoping you had incorporated the method of destruction I suggested (there it was!) -- and I had a little time tonight to give it a quick once over.  I haven't read any of the previous comments.

Writing as I go, this will have SPOILERS:


Your opening sequence is a little wordy -- particularly in terms of what your characters are wearing -- but you also set the scene at this fair very, very well, with plenty of good details.  But too many details slow us down.  Ian would hug Christina's waist, btw, not her waste haha.  That bit with Phil is pretty clever.  Liked that.  And then the Decapitator is a great fake out!  I am kind of surprised to find that I am really liking this script so far.

But then -- once the deaths start -- you stop to describe what these guys have on their hot dogs!  No, Sean!  You are talking way too much.

The main thing you need to work on is streamlining your descriptive passages.  Concentrate on that with your next script, OK?

I don't like how you introduce our next set of characters -- all 7 of them -- all at once.  And later, I was quite surprised that they would decide to go on another ride after their near disaster -- and what they saw on the video.  I was surprised they even remained at the park, frankly.  And it was right around here that you lost me for a while.

But then they do try to leave, and encounter the wall.  Now they are trapped, and things are starting to make a little more sense.  At least, in horror movie terms, you know?  But Page should be lost in the funhouse, not sleeping.  Nobody would be sleeping under those circumstances.

After the flashback, Michael gets all "Da Vinci Code" on us, making these fantastic leaps of logic.  Maybe spread his realizations out a bit, and have him figure it out in parts.  And where did this "three days" thing come from?  How does he figure that out?  This part is a little confusing, but perhaps I missed something.

When we are getting close to the end, the clock reads 11:20.  This doesn't impart enough urgency.  Make the time something closer to 11:59, the time at which they actually reach the wall.  (Ohh..and Michael was sooo close haha.)

And at the very, very end, you have two "cut to black" in a row, but describe Carey's eyes snapping open.  You need to cut to Carey for that, wherever she is -- and I wasn't clear on that, either.

So, Sean -- this starts out really great, with a solid premise, and some of the deaths are quite excellent.  I really liked Page's demise.  But ultimately, this story cannot sustain our disbelief.  Once the kids are running around the park, there are just too many things they do that don't make sense.  I think I pointed out most of what bugged me here.  Try to hammer out some of those details.

What I will tell you, though, is that you can write a script.  Despite its problems, there is enough good stuff here to show you've got some talent.

Work on making your descriptions tighter.  That should be job one.  Just tell us what we really need to know.  Reading some scripts that don't have zombies in them might help    If you are serious about this, branch out a bit.  Look at some dramas.  See how they create unique characters with a distinct voice -- instead of cookie-cutter teens that are just there for the slice-and-dice.

This was a fun script, Sean.  I enjoyed it.  And I am confident your best work is still ahead of you.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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