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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  The Search for the Great American Jackalope Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Search for the Great American Jackalope  (currently 4415 views)
Don
Posted: May 1st, 2006, 10:20pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Search for the Great American Jackalope by Tyler Higgins (Higgonaitor) - Comedy - Tex and Jenny, two older teens on the search for the great American Jackelope, learn the value of true friendship while they create an enticing documentay on Cryptozoology in the states. 81 pages - doc, format


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Higgonaitor
Posted: May 2nd, 2006, 9:36am Report to Moderator
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Sweet, thanks Greg, I'll look forward to hearing from you.  Hope you enjoy it!


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rooney
Posted: May 2nd, 2006, 10:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hello.

I read the first 30 or so pages of your script; right up to when they stay in the Marriot after the Amish restaurant.  

I didn't read on because it's not my kind of thing, but this will definetly strike a chord with other readers.  

I noticed you use "were" where you should use "we're" but other than that, the errors are few and far between.  

Anyway, I just thought I would say good job on what I did read.  Your dialogue is funny and smart.


Bringing nothing to the table since 1977.




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Higgonaitor
Posted: May 2nd, 2006, 10:34pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Rooney.  3o pages is better than nothing, and it is appreciated.

I better go through and get those weres, I've given other people trouble for stuff really similar.


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Shelton
Posted: May 2nd, 2006, 10:39pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Higgonaitor
I better go through and get those weres, I've given other people trouble for stuff really similar.



Oh yeah, YOU'RE gonna get owned!

Look for my review tomorrow.



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Higgonaitor
Posted: May 2nd, 2006, 10:42pm Report to Moderator
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AAAHHH!
I wonder if Don could put a re-write up tonight.....


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Shelton
Posted: May 3rd, 2006, 2:30pm Report to Moderator
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And........I've read it.

You've already been informed of the your/you'res, the were/we'res, the its/it's and so forth so I won't go too deep into that, but you have some words with apostrophes that aren't needed as well through out the script.

Some observations before my final thoughts.

You introduce Madame Cleo as MADAM CLEO, and her first line of dialogue has her listed as such too, but I would recommend changing this anyway since there actually is a Madame Cleo.  Although your character didn't really remind me of her, I'd switch it just to be safe.

Madame Cleo's reading:  Needs a lot more BS.  She comes across like she has no clue of what she's doing, and I think if her words are going to cause enough of a spark to get Tex to go across country, she should.

Pg. 9 - So we leave tomorrow.  Sounds too much like a question even though it's a statement.  Should simply be "Then we leave tomorrow"

Pgs. 18-19 - The menu board talks?  There has to be a better way to describe this.

Lots and Lots and Lots of product placement throughout the script.  Don't worry about brand names or what magazine they are reading.

pg. 45 - A nasty Mexican candy?  Can't be filmed.

pg. 51 - Imperturbable.  I think you meant inpenetrable.

M'lady?  Trying to get your own shirt I see.

pg. 58 - inner mingle should be intermingle

Pg. 61 - Went from Madden 07 to 06, but it's product placement anyway.

Pg. 70 - Patch hops on his nearby motorcycle and hops on.

Pg. 71 - No need for CAPS in Patch and Jenny's dialogue.  The exclamation points suffice.

Pg. 72 - Patch takes out a gun and shoots at the tires.  WTF?!?!  This has no place in this script.


Ok, on the whole I enjoyed this story and it was an overall fast read, but my main beef would be that I don't really know how to classify it.  The best thing I could come up with is to lose the few "shits" you have in your dialogue and market it as an ABC Family type film.  To me it has that type of comedy.

Just curious, why did you name a kid from Michigan Tex?  I didn't find out that Patch actually had a real name until the end and was questioning that one too, but Tex?  I noticed you tried to use it a bit, and just wanted to know if that was your reason.

Overall, a pretty good story.  I found the length to be a little bit odd, but I seriously can't think of any way to fill it out except to have them spend a little more time in each town, and that isn't all the necessary.

Just go back and proof, and possibly take a few of my suggestions, most notably about the product placement, and you should have a pretty good family script.


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Higgonaitor
Posted: May 3rd, 2006, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Shelton

Madame Cleo's reading:  Needs a lot more BS.  She comes across like she has no clue of what she's doing, and I think if her words are going to cause enough of a spark to get Tex to go across country, she should.


I think that was a bit of what I was goign for.  The Psychic was crap and not even near close enough to setting Tex off, the idea was pe-concieved and just waiting for an excuse to make it necessary.

About his name...I've never taken much stock in the importance of names.  Did you find it distracting?  It wasn't their for the joke though, that came after as I was typing and I realized, woah, thats actually his name...

About the tires...I'm not quite sure I understand...

About the product placement, I actually did not know that was a bad thing.  Thats dissapointing.

Thanks for the read Mike.


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Shelton
Posted: May 3rd, 2006, 4:51pm Report to Moderator
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I just didn't find it reasonable to think that this guy is going to pull out a gun and start shooting at his brother for the sole purpose of getting him to come home.  I mean, this guy is eating dried blueberries and talking about playing Madden when he gets home.  It's just not logical.


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Higgonaitor
Posted: May 3rd, 2006, 4:54pm Report to Moderator
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Just the tires...?

I definetely see what your saying, and it doesnt make perfect sense to me either, but it really moves things along.  He has gotten maced, pulled over and all that junk, which helps a little...


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Shelton
Posted: May 3rd, 2006, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
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I don't know, it just seemed out of place to me.  It would make more sense for him to shoot a bb gun or throw dried blueberries at the car given the type of story this is.

Maybe the fact there is no reference to it at all and it just kind of springs up has something to do with it.


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Higgonaitor
Posted: May 3rd, 2006, 6:36pm Report to Moderator
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BGut I need a way for the trunk to open and for Jenny to freak out.  I don't think dried blueberries or a bB gun would work.

I know exactly what you mean when you say out of place because it did feel out of place as I typed it and I even asked myself: "is anyone gonna buy this?" and then I just thought that they're gonna have to because I cant think of anything else.

I suppose I could go back and make him a bit more unpredictable and perhaps show that he has a gun...would that make it better?


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Shelton
Posted: May 3rd, 2006, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
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It wouldn't be so much of a surprise if you did it that way.

If you're just looking to get the trunk open, why not have the car hit a bump or one of the mythical animals?


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Higgonaitor
Posted: May 3rd, 2006, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, i think in the re-write I'll make it more easy to accept.

By the way, what did you think of the Mythical animals?  Had you heard of any before?


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Shelton
Posted: May 3rd, 2006, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
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Just the jackelope, but I thought they were all interesting and you explained them well.


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