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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Redwater Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: May 31st, 2006, 8:59pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Redwater by Alanah Rafferty - Horror - When five friends celebrate one of the friend's new job, they all drive up to her new house in a town called Redwater. But once they're up there, strange and gruesom things start to happen to them, as a disturbing secret comes back from the dead. 85 pages - doc, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  July 8th, 2006, 7:54am
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surferchicky92
Posted: June 1st, 2006, 6:33am Report to Moderator
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Hey Guys,
The first draft of the script is really short, but I plan on making it long enough to be a feature film. Feel free to say what you liked or didn't like, or even scenes you would like to see in the script. Many thanks for reading my script

~Alanah
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michel
Posted: June 6th, 2006, 2:03am Report to Moderator
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First, I must say that your script is peculiar in the good way. At last a story where the main characters are dying. That's the good point. Let's see, now, the bad points – it's simply my humble point of view of course. The dialog between Mia and Nathan about Keiras' house cost is cliché. better get the "it could be built over some ancient burial ground" thing when they first see the house. They should find out what happened in the house at the local store. Try to bring it differently. Keira is not worried enough after hearing the first scream. Try to avoid the dialog lines as "I'm going to check upstairs" or "I'll just stall her so you guys can get away". That's very cliché too. The last thing that upset me was the question: what's the mother motivation for having killed her babies and the people? Again, it's simply my point of view. I would be glad hearing about what do you think about it.


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surferchicky92
Posted: June 6th, 2006, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
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I'm still trying to work out those things. I'm thinking the mom's motivation might be some satanic ritual thing, but that might be too chiche. I'll post the second draft really soon.

Alanah~
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michel
Posted: June 7th, 2006, 1:52am Report to Moderator
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Okay. Let me know when you'll have a second draft

Michel


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surferchicky92
Posted: June 11th, 2006, 8:28am Report to Moderator
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I just posted the second draft on Thursday, so it should be up pretty soon .

Alanah~
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surferchicky92
Posted: June 13th, 2006, 6:19pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry about the address guys. I meant to get rid of it. Does anyone know how?
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michel
Posted: July 13th, 2006, 6:02am Report to Moderator
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Alanah,

I've just finished reading your second draft and here's my review.

You have changed many things from the first draft, and especially the end. I think you should reformat the whole script and take out the capital letters at every dialog lines. The (too) many CUT TO: are useless and your scene heading are bad formatted. No page numbers too. Some typos.

Rename the title on the title page.

**************************SPOILERS************************************

About the first scene, you must cut it into sequences.

Try to find another movie cheaper than Dumbo.

When you say: She takes Meredith's body and throws THEM into the lake. It should be HER instead, no?

The sequence where Keira calls Mia and Nathan should intercut.


When Mia talks about Keira's house (ancient burial ground, etc…) she should say that as a joke.


The screaming heard by Keira in the bathroom is a child's screaming?

Keira takes over too quickly after that screaming.


In town, gives Mia a reason to visit the Toy Shop


When Emmy searches on the computer in the library, it's weird she doesn't see any picture of the Mother in the sites.


After the lake sequence, how could the Mother enter the house when the Toy Shop owner warned to lock the doors?


Keira cannot check upstairs alone when, just before, she suggested to not be separated. Nathan cannot let her go alone. He loves her. He has to come with her and then they were separated for any reason.


Why do they have to use Emmy's car to get help? They have a phone in the house. Or it has been cut off.


In town, cut in different sequences (i.e. the blacksmith shop)

How come the Mother killed everyone in town as she was in Keira's house just before?

In the blacksmith shop, Dylan could rather use the hammer to assault the Mother instead of throwing it away to get a diversion.

If the shelf falls over the Mother, why can't they run outside instead to get in the basement?


The dialogs between Emmy and Dylan are too long before he dies. She had time to take him away instead.

When the Mother kills Dylan with an ax, where's her knife?

Why Nathan is running over the pharmacy to phone? They had a phone in the house.

How did Nathan crash in the Toy store?


Weird place for the kitchen to find a hammer and a screwdriver.

Emmy proposes to Mia to phone her folks with her Cell phone. Why did she use it sooner? And why do they have to go to the nearest town to use a phone and call the police?


The ending is not clear to me. What is the link between Mia and the Mother?


That's it Alanah. Besides all this, I just loved your script and my remarks are here (I hope) to help to ameliorate it.

Waiting for the third draft.


Michel  


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surferchicky92
Posted: July 14th, 2006, 6:04pm Report to Moderator
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That's quite odd. I already typed my fourth draft of this, how come they posted the second draft?? Oh well, I'll try again.
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Bojan2345
Posted: September 27th, 2006, 4:06pm Report to Moderator
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It was a really enjoyable script. keep up the good work.
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