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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Forever... and Again Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: May 31st, 2006, 8:59pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Forever... and Again by Michel J. Duthin - Comedy, Romance - Thomas' wife Sandy died in a car crash. Feeling guilty, Thomas succeeds to go back in time to conquer her again and to save her. But things don't turn out as good as he wished for. 121 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  May 20th, 2009, 5:09pm
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michel
Posted: June 2nd, 2006, 9:10am Report to Moderator
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Please, be indulgent with me, guys. English is not my first language and I do my best writing English. Everyone's advices and critisms are welcome.


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Mr.Z
Posted: June 2nd, 2006, 9:57am Report to Moderator
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Hey Michel, I didn't read the script but I felt like offering some friendly advice by which you could get your script read.

It's quite simple actually. Read scripts from regular members of this site and leave them a review. You'll see that many of them will return the favor.

Also: there is a script review exchange board when you can start a new thread or repply to an existing one, to settle this kind of agreements.

English isn't my first language either, but nobody gave me a hard time because of it so far. So I'd say don't worry.


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michel
Posted: June 6th, 2006, 2:04am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for your advice Mr.Z


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Parker
Posted: June 12th, 2006, 5:49pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Michel, just wanted to let you know that I will be reading this tomorrow, don't worry I haven't forgotten. You will have a review tomorrow .


I may be an idiot, but I'm no idiot.
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SkanJet
Posted: June 12th, 2006, 11:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hey MIchel! About english being not being your first language, don't worry! You did it pretty good! I've read your script. To be honest, I like'd it very much, found it enterteining. I didn't quite fancy the ending though.. I believe it was kinda vague... maybe you could tell me a little more about it, or probably explain it to me a little bit better, because I believe that for you it has quite a meaning, I'm I right! Well, wish you all the vest and hope you continue writting!
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michel
Posted: June 13th, 2006, 1:18am Report to Moderator
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Scanjet, thank you for your comments. Guess now that I'm not that bad in English as I thought I was. I'll post you later comments about the ending. In the while, you can read another of my favorite script there:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-drama/m-1150163876/

Think I mistook when I submitted it because it's not a drame but really a comedy with a country music background

once again, thank you for your comments

Michel


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Parker
Posted: June 13th, 2006, 6:54am Report to Moderator
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Hey Michel,

I liked this script. It was very, very rich. You wrote it with such detail, which is good but sometimes it did feel like there was too much at some points like at the beginning. You explain actions very well and if you thought you were worried about the language, you shouldn't be. There were only a few language mistakes, some which were in peoples dialogue like at the start of page 7 where Thomas says "Don't you forget something?". I think this should be "Aren't you forgetting something?". Just little things like that but I don't think it's something to be worried about as I and others will know what you mean.

I really like the flashbacks that you inserted every now and then. They played a huge part in your script, which is great. It gives your story more style to than the average story you read.

Your formatting was brilliant. As I said your detail within the script is great and you've presented it well. You certainly know how to write a script and how to present the story very well. It was easy on the eyes and was never too boring or a struggle to read. Only at some points where there was a lot of detail and not too much dialogue. However, I don't think it's something you should cut down.

I'm sorry I can't be more detailed in this review. I'm quite busy right now but I really did like your script. It's very emotional, which is something I never really go for but you changed that for me. It was deep and I think you're going to do well if you keep writing the way you do. Good work Michel .


I may be an idiot, but I'm no idiot.
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michel
Posted: June 13th, 2006, 9:03am Report to Moderator
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thank you for your review GravyBoatMan, I've been very touched. It's true I put a lot of myself in that story. If you like my style, you'd find some of my scripts around. I've tried to write in every style. Don't want to be stuck in only one sort of story. There are one thriller (Blood Rush and an upcoming Mister Sandman), a romantic comedy (Angels among Us), a WWI story (Wings of Glory) and a peplum (79 A.D.).

If you need anything or any more reviews, I'll be around

see you

Michel


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bert
Posted: June 13th, 2006, 10:12am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from michel
Guess now that I'm not that bad in English as I thought I was...


Hey, were you thinking that way because of what I said on "Nice Day"?  I think I might have given you the wrong impression -- which happens on message boards all the time.

My point was (supposed) to be that your English was fine -- with so few flaws that I didn't even bother pointing them out.  Sorry if it came across wrong.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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TAnthony
Posted: June 13th, 2006, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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Your script was a perfect example of a comedy romance. This is one of the only scripts I’ve read on here where there isn’t one bland character. Every character was completely different from the others. Great Job. The dialogue was so real and the conversations between Sandy and Thomas were excellent and well-written. The Characters and the Dialogue were the strongest part of the script. The one low point was the flashbacks. In the very beginning we are just hammered with flashbacks, one after the other and the beginning of the story is kind of congested.



SPOILERS--------------------------


Script
By page six we’ve already had three flashbacks. The flashbacks kind of mess up the rhythm of your script and just as the readers are getting interested in what’s going on in the present time you throw us another flashback. In the beginning there are more pages of flashback then there is present time. That’s a bit too much. Cut out as much of the flashbacks as you can.

Your act structure is a little bit off. I’d say around page 54 your script has finally made it’s way into Act 2, but this transition happens to late in the script. This should happen in the early forties of your page numbers. This way the beginning of the script doesn’t feel like we’re experiencing the same thing over and over again, because the flashbacks made it feel repetitive.

-(Pg. 45) The story is beginning to feel like a series of scenes, once the accident occurs for the second time I feel that it should take place earlier in the story. Because right now the script feels like it’s not culminating to anything.

Questionable Parts
-Would Thomas really smoke a cigarette while he stopped running?
-I’m confused with the monologue on page 67.
-Friday I don’t think was mentioned earlier in the script so I was a tad bit confused when I first read his confrontation with Thomas.

Parts I really enjoyed.
-That was a great bit with Friday, and also earlier in the script when Sandy jokingly said she was cheating with a married man.
-The déjà vu the second time around.
-The part with Thomas really being the trainer was good.
-Wow what an opener.
-Great Ending

Format
-There’s no need to count scenes.
-On page 2, you wrote “According to Police.” should be written as “According to the Police.
-Pg. 7 you wrote “Don’t you forget something?” should be “Didn’t you forget something.”
-Pg. 7 Never have action paragraphs longer than five lines.
-(pg. 40) You wrote “Next time she’ll come here,” should be “Next time she comes here,”
-(pg 71) You wrote “Tell me one think bud.” should be “Tell me one thing bud.”
-Take out the music cues. The part with Chet Baker is fine, but don’t name a song.


This was a great script and the only problems I see is the number of flashbacks in the beginning. Take those out and I think you’ll have something great. You’re a very talented writer.

Good Luck.


"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
Down and Dirty (Sequel to L&N) - Action/Thriller
Fool's Gold - Western
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michel
Posted: June 15th, 2006, 2:56am Report to Moderator
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Thought you liked the ending Anthony, I'm not quite satisfy with it. I should on something stronger. In fact, the original ending was when Thomas joined Sandy in Heaven and they stayed together and thought Sandy was saying that little Winnie was not born yet and that she was existing in another way (because that death occured before her birth), I thought that it might be quite obscure and very sad to erase Winnie's existence.

Can't you precise me what monologue you're confused with because I can't see any in page 67.

Concerning Chet Baker's music, "Together Alone" is the MOST appropriate music I found and it was important to name it.

I'll have another reading for the script with your comments in mind

Thank a lot  

I hope you'll enjoy as much reading some others of my scripts

Michel


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TAnthony
Posted: June 15th, 2006, 10:45am Report to Moderator
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Sorry Michel I meant page 66 not page 67. Page 66 has the lenghty monologue.


"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
Down and Dirty (Sequel to L&N) - Action/Thriller
Fool's Gold - Western
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michel
Posted: June 16th, 2006, 1:01am Report to Moderator
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Anthony,

the monologue page 66 is Thomas' eulogy. I thought it was clear enough. Maybe it needs to be re-written.
About the fact that Thomas is smoking after stopping running, I think it's just his way to destroy himself, to live his "daily crucifixion".
I wanted to keep Friday mysterious and that way to introduce him is, in my opinion, more threatful for Thomas.

Hope I answered all your wonderings

Michel


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michel
Posted: September 24th, 2007, 1:05am Report to Moderator
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As announced, this is the third draft. Hope you'll like it.

Michel


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