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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  A Ninja's Curse Moderators: bert
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  Author    A Ninja's Curse  (currently 1719 views)
Don
Posted: May 31st, 2006, 9:01pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Ninja's Curse: Reborn, A by Steven Cameron (Wesley) - Short, Adventure, Anime - With unrest in New Japan, a new President is to be sworn in. With an assassin lurking, a small task turns into a deadly game for all involved. 17 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  December 26th, 2006, 6:01pm
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George Willson
Posted: May 31st, 2006, 9:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, reborn is right. I remember the last version of this and that wasn't bad. This part feels like a prologue with a lot of stuff unexplained. The feel of the whole thing was very legendary-ish, which is kind of cool.

POSSIBLE SPOILERS

First, I liked the Asuki-Takashi backstory. That worked well for me. I am hoping some of that comes into play later since you killed this Takashi...otherwise, what's the point?

You misspelled "there's" in "theirs no turning back now." on page 2.

You also have multiple run-on sentences where you've divided two sentences with a comma instead of ending with a period and starting a new sentence. One example: "It is true we hold the cards in our hands, what we do with them is our choice." Between hands and what, you should have a period and capitalize what. There are several examples of this throughout.

Some of the dialogue is really cheesy: "I will squash that bug" "It's too quiet for my liking." Other bits of it are kind of wooden, especially in the longer blocks.

Who Takashi and Tomai are talking about in their scene is very unclear. They talk about a rogue clone, but since we're dealing with Takashi number 2 here, I'm not sure who this rogue is and what the operation they're referring to is.

I take the end as a setup so I'm not going to complain about it being exceptionally vague, though some clue of what is happening would be useful. I think I know just because I read the old version, but gauging from this alone, it's unclear. But like I said, perhaps that is your intent.

So for a first part of something, I think it isn't bad. Just a little tweaking here and there, but nothing major.


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Nixon
Posted: May 31st, 2006, 11:34pm Report to Moderator
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This has been on my "to read" list for a while, I even bookmarked the A Ninja's Curse Site. It seems the episode links aren't working anymore, so I am glade you posted it on Simply Scripts.  

Anyway, good stuff. This obviously carries a darker tone than your other stuff and for me that is always a plus.


Quoted Text
Halloween ended months ago, you
fucking whore.


My favorite line. The dialogue, for the most part, was good. George made some comments about some of the dialogue is really cheesy, this is true, but it kind of came off like that was your intention, maybe I'm wrong. And about other parts being wooden, well it seems to fit, since the characters all seems like their very serious and “down to business”.


Quoted Text
Takashi kicks out the guard's leg snapping it in two


The action was great. Nothing was really confusing when it came down to action. Everything was short and to the point.

So overall, it was a great setup for something more and I would definitely read more.

-Zavier


Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever.
I WAS WRONG.

Revision History (1 edits)
Nixon  -  May 31st, 2006, 11:35pm
I hate these things ’
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W
Posted: June 1st, 2006, 12:09am Report to Moderator
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You must admit though George I have been working on the Grammar, I even searched that phrase and it came up how I wrote it, which is why I left it as it is.

I guess you can hold an exclusive club card along with Bert because you're the only two who actually know what becomes of the baby (Takashi) and who Sudo Tain becomes later on.

Takashi and Tomai had a whole chat about clones and what New Japan has been doing but it seemed too corny for my liking. I cut it off with just a mention of the rogue assassin. (In the scene, Akina comes back and even I found that confusing.)

I wanted this to stand alone, so the unclear parts are good things because I can fix them.



Quoted Text
George made some comments about some of the dialogue is really cheesy, this is true, but it kind of came off like that was your intention, maybe I'm wrong.


For this I do write it that way so that it's not the same as my other stuff; George did make a good point in that maybe I do it more than is needed to get that intention across.


Quoted Text
First, I liked the Asuki-Takashi backstory. That worked well for me. I am hoping some of that comes into play later since you killed this Takashi...otherwise, what's the point?


I should have been more clear but...                                                                                                      

SPOILER

(The Takashi who dies is actually the real Takashi, the boys father. When Asuki orders them to bring his body they clone a new one to find the boy, befriend him and eventually do what Asuki did to him) I screwed that up when I called him a clone ha-ha I just realized that after all those read-overs I never thought twice about that comment.                                    


Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
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Takeshi
Posted: June 9th, 2006, 9:07pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Wes,

I thought the script moved along at a nice pace and there were no flat spots. Obviously this is just a small section of a larger story, so I felt a little bit out of the loop while I was reading it and I was a bit unsure about what was going on in the end.

However, like Nixon, I thought the Halloween line was a beauty.

You have a good concept going here with clones running around all over the place, which makes it a complex story, but you just need to make sure it doesn't become confusing for the reader.

Typos: Page 1, Voice over reads; theirs no turning back now. Should be; there's no turning back now.  

Page 2; Eichiro says; 'Almost as if the American are afraid of us'. Should be American's.

Page 8; Takashi says; 'I seen you walking etc'. Should be; 'I saw you walking etc'.

Obviously this is a work in progress, but it seems to have a fair bit going for it. It'll be interesting to read it when you put the whole saga together. Good luck.


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Nixon  -  June 9th, 2006, 10:52pm
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W
Posted: June 9th, 2006, 11:39pm Report to Moderator
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Well once I put the rewrite up I have modified a bit of that clone stuff because Takashi (The one we follow) is not a clone but I made it seem that way.

I had a feeling that it might not stand alone which is what I wanted but after sitting around with this series for so long I just get in my mind that you (The reader) can read my thoughts... guess you can't.

My bad.

The series as it was a year ago still exists but when I release it again this is the general concept of where it is going. The whole point of a short is to have a point and not to just turn you onto something bigger; I guess I failed in that regard.

Thanks for pointing out those errors and hopefully my mini rewrite can clear up the extra confusion in the future.


Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
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bert
Posted: June 10th, 2006, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Wes.  I was curious to see what you did with this one, but it took me a while to get to it.  I do like it, though.

I'll make notes as I go, with SPOILERS:


*  The opening V.O. sets the scene well without overdoing it.  And I like that he drops the word "she" so casually, as if it isn't odd.
*  You say the streets show no signs of life, then describe the throngs of people lining the streets.  It's contradictory -- describe that differently.
*  If you are going to do the man's P.O.V. set it apart by itself, with its own slug, then follow it with the INT. APARTMENT slug.  Unless the entire scene is in the man's P.O.V., but that isn't clear either the way you've got it.
*  Hey, the Eichiro twist is great.
*  Asuki rips off Takashi's mask?  He was wearing a mask?  If you said that somewhere before I missed it.
*  Wesley, you wrote a good sex scene.  Sexy without being vulgar.  Andrew, if you are reading this, do yourself a favor and check out page 9.
*  Kia starts talking without being properly introduced.  Is this the old man, or the shadow figure?  Confusing here.
*  I commented that I liked the opening V.O., but Takashi's V.O. to close the piece is unwieldy, and awkwardly worded.  I particularly don't like the "...not much is known why they chose to call it that..."  Not only is it too wordy, but if the title of the story is "Ninja's Curse", I think you owe us a better explanation of the curse haha.

As far as the wooden dialogue comments, I think they might be forgetting this story of yours is conceived as an anime.  I hear the words in overly-dramatic cartoon voices, so lines like "I will squash that bug" actually sound appropriate to me.

This is one of the most mature pieces I've seen from you, Wes.  The action is good, there is a twist every couple of pages, and even some sex tossed in.  And yeah, the grammer is getting better.  (You ain't quite there yet, though.)

You can be proud of this one, and I would look forward to more.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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W
Posted: June 10th, 2006, 10:05pm Report to Moderator
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As it regards to the mask.


Quoted Text
A MAN with his face covered by a mask and heavy dark clothing enters the room carrying a briefcase...


First descriptive line of the script (Adds to the theory nobody remembers the first page when they finish the script) so if the first 10 pages are that important why do people forget them so easily most of the time? Actually makes writing easier if you know this. (I forget what happens at the beginning of half the scripts I've read but somehow I can remember the rest in shocking detail even after a lot of time)

The line which states they left Eichiro in his hole was a reference to the Iraqi dictator. A political statement.


Quoted Text
*  I commented that I liked the opening V.O., but Takashi's V.O. to close the piece is unwieldy, and awkwardly worded.  I particularly don't like the "...not much is known why they chose to call it that..."  Not only is it too wordy, but if the title of the story is "Ninja's Curse", I think you owe us a better explanation of the curse haha.


Bert, I must admit that at first I was frustrated with my idea. The NINJA'S CURSE is a flawed logic believed by those who follow The Brotherhood; it is not as it was in my original series because even if he was cursed how can you put that into a script without being slapstick? Even the hero has to die, that's the Ninja's Curse.

In the new series, I will break up the story into 3 - 4 different sections. Knoxville, The War of New Japan and finally they arrive in the main city (To a familiar place, the one where Asuki kills Takashi) and I think/hope that the ending of the series will be a good payoff for people.

Thanks for the comments. If nothing else I can fix some things up and know that my little ninja story wasn't a waste of time.


Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
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W
Posted: December 26th, 2006, 10:15pm Report to Moderator
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7 Months Later, the revision is now up for this little project.

It is a few pages longer, I fixed most of the problems the original reviews brought up and changed a few other things making it a bit less confusing with multiple Takashi's running around.


Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
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Takeshi
Posted: December 28th, 2006, 9:49pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Wes,

It's been awhile since I read the last draft, but you're right, this one is a lot less confusing.

However, I was confused about the nature of General Tomai's relationship with the cloned Asuki. On page 13 he makes out with her and then says;

GENERAL TOMAI: Inside, my wife will give you the name of a good doctor who will set you up.

Okay, so General Tomai is banging Asuki and he's telling her to talk to his wife about a good doctor. Does this mean Mrs. Tomai knows about his affair with Asuki?

It was an interesting story, well told. I thought you did a good job of describing the action and sex scenes.

Of course, the way the story finished still left me feeling like it was the beginning of something bigger.  Do you have any plans to continue writing this story or is that it?

I only spotted a couple of typos.

Page 2: AKINA: I know can trust you Einchiro, this country will need great men like you to help rebuild after we conquer the West.

It should read: I know I can trust you etc

Page 6: TAKASHI: Well you know it wasn't going anywhere so I decided to keep it.
It brings out my maculine side and makes me look kind of cool, don't you think?

Should read; masculine.

Page 7: ASUKI: Master Takashi, I'm so sorry to have bothered you but I seen the light on and ...

Should read: I saw the light on etc

Page 9: TAKASHI: When I woke up the next morning, you were gone, soon after our camp was raided and everyone killed. I feared the worst but five years later I seen you walking with the enemy and I knew you betrayed me and our people.

Should read: When I woke up the next morning, you were gone, soon after our camp was raided and everyone killed. I feared the worst but five years later I saw you walking with the enemy and I knew you betrayed us.

    
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W
Posted: December 28th, 2006, 10:44pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the re-read. Typos and grammar are my enemy... So, the more I can fix, the better.

The continued "series" is titled The Ninja's Curse and it follows the boy "Takashi" on his journey but I kind of felt he was a little whiny and that wasn't as dark as this one. Almost a PG-13 version of this.

This titled "Reborn" was my way of fishing to see if people like the darker side of reality better than the bright and peachy one from that series originally.

Originally I made it to episode 5. Episode 5 was a very dark episode which changed my entire thinking on this series and put it in jeopardy. It was basically Takashi was buying a gift for Prodigy and came to this Mysterious shop owner who sells him something. What he doesn't know is that this guy hypnotizes him and programs him to become paralyzed when a certain things happens. Once Takashi is paralyzed, Prodigy sets out to find this shop owner who has disappeared. This leaves Takashi alone and who else shows up but The Black Ninja ready to kill his begotten son.


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ReaperCreeper
Posted: February 19th, 2007, 9:22pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, Wesley, here I go....

The action in this screenplay was good, but the writing and story itself I thought were a little off.

*You might wanna describe the man's mask at the beginning. I had no idea how to picture it in my head.
*I had trouble with most of the dialogue. Specially the V.O in the beginning. I'm not sure, but I felt like it was only there to give us a clue as to what would be going on in your script yet it was way too in-your-face to sound realistic. But then again, this is an Anime and they tend to be that way.
*I noticed a lot of missing or misplaced commas and periods. It made some descriptions nonsensical (like General Tomai's introduction)

Overall, in all honesty, I didn't really enjoy this script. But it did have its good points, this would make a hell of a gritty, dark anime if tweaked a bit here and there. The thing that threw me off was the faulty grammar. You picture things well enough, but the grammar really distracts us from the story. It makes one stop reading and lose focus.

I dunno, it just wasn't my cup of tea. However, I am not trying to insult your abilities as a writer, all I'm saying is that it could be better than it is.

--Julio
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W
Posted: February 19th, 2007, 9:41pm Report to Moderator
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It's kind of funny that we posted our reviews three minutes apart.

I definitely write the dialogue to be "over the top" as I was going for a different feel.

To distance myself from the other stuff I do since I expect more out of this series and its characters.

Most of the flashbacks were part of a "live action" version called End of Honor but ultimately I liked the over the top cartoony feel the series had originally. of course originally the hero ninja was a whiny 17 year old who wasn't really exciting me to the idea any more.

I tried really hard with the action. In fact this is more of a transition to see if I can write an action script.

The Juicer (My feature gay superhero comedy adventure) is finished and has lots of action and comedy. I am trying to transition into more of an action adventure writer and lose the comedy/drama stuff that I have become known and expected for but it is not easy to do so.


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ReaperCreeper
Posted: February 20th, 2007, 1:57am Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I know what you mean. It's hard to pull away from a genre once you have your name attached to it.

The dialogue *was* over-the-top, but like I said that's common in Anime, so it is no problem at all. I'm glad you didn't go with the "live" version.

Still, be proud of you raction scenes. They really were good.

--Julio
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tomson
Posted: August 9th, 2007, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
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I always thought this one was a series whenever I've sen the name. I felt like it was the start of something after I  finished. If it is, then I think it was a good start because you set me up to want to know what's going to happen next.

The dialogue is way different than what I'm used to reading from you, but it did not bother me at all. Like Bert, I read it in my head as overly-dramatic anime voices.

You mentioned once that one of my shorts reminded you of this one and when I read the sniper/assassination part I knew what you ment. I liked it. In fact I think you could have built up a little more suspense there with some back and forth shots.

Maybe I'm stupid, but I didn't quite get why they were heading to the American embassy. So she can charm them so the American's can't see the attack coming? I don't know. Seems a little strange reason to go the the embassy. Maybe that's just me.

It's barren, not baron. The contradiction there has already been mentioned about the barren street full of trucks and soldiers.

Don't know if you are planing on writing more of these, if you are, I think you set it up well.

This was really different from what I'm used too from you. You did well, but your comedic side is probably my favorite.  
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