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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Seven Dwarfs Moderators: bert
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  Author    Seven Dwarfs  (currently 2100 views)
Don
Posted: June 20th, 2006, 9:52pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Seven Dwarfs by Michel J. Duthin - Thriller - Seven ex students are killed in a peculiar way one after another in Agatha Christie's "Ten Little Indians" mode. 97 pages - pdf, format


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michel
Posted: June 21st, 2006, 7:05am Report to Moderator
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I wrote the first draft 25 years ago. Basically, besides some re-writing, nothing has much changed. It's amazing how many slasher movies of this kind were made since then. Nowadays, this kind of story is a bit cliché, but never mind. It DOES exist.  

Michel



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michel  -  June 22nd, 2006, 3:40am
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mgj
Posted: June 28th, 2006, 9:21am Report to Moderator
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I know English isn't your native tongue so I'll point out as many typos as I can and list them below.  

Page 1:  

- Line should be written as: The shadow's hand dips into his inside jacket pocket and pulls out some envelopes.  
- 'Skillful' instead of 'skilful'.

Page 8:

- When Delphine speaks, she should say 'seated' not 'seat'.
- Kisses 'on' neck.  Not 'in'.

Page 10:

- Chuck finishes 'telling' a joke to Claire and Delphine.  Not 'to tell'.
- When Delphine speaks, she shoud say: crying 'like' the last time.  Not 'as'.

Page 17:

- Claire 'leans' over the window to take a look.  Not 'is leaned'.

Page 18:

- The killing shadow leaves the booth.  I think you mean 'Killer's'.

Page 19:

- When Chuck says - 'You're not a fucking YMCA'.  I think you mean 'We're not a...'

Page 20:

- ...stepped out of one of the grave.  Should be 'graves'.
- When the detective says 'You're all Claires friends.  And very close if I relate to your affliction'.  I'm not sure but I think you mean something along the lines of  'You were all Claire's friends.  And from what I can gather, very close'.


Okay.  I think I'll stop now.  This could end up being a very long list.   Despite this, I actually enjoy the way you write dialogue.  Very Colorful.  I Especially like the line where the waiter informs his customer: "If I could finally square away your bill it would read like a twelve page encyclopedia."

This is something that didn't quite ring true to me - when the janitor let Tom into Claires' appartment.  I'm not sure a person in his position would allow a total stranger into the building like that.  Maybe have Tom sneak his way in somehow.

The buildup in the story is fine.  You introduce characters, seven former grad students, and place them in a senario - having each of them die at the hands of an unknown, masked assailant.  This establishes a mystery - good on you for that.  Unfortuantely though, this idea is never fully realized.  

When we do finally discover the identity of the killer and the reason behind his motivation... Well, it was a bit of a letdown.   It seemed almost independant of the senario you established, as if you had thought him up as an afterthought.  

Somehow you need to find a new identity for the killer or, at the very least, introduce him earlier on in the script, make him one of the main characters.  To be honest I was almost certain that *spoiler* one of the seven students would wind up being the killer with some twisted motivation for wanting to due away with the others.

This is just my opinion of course but I feel a whodunnit works best when the killer turns out to be someone we already know, ideally someone that we least suspect.  In this case we don't get that opportunity since he's not established as a character until his need becomes a necessity.

All in all not bad.  I especially like the characters you created.  All were interesting and had a unique voice, however I really think you need to reconsider the motivation behind the killing.  If you do and are able to come up with an idea that works then you may really have something here.


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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michel
Posted: June 28th, 2006, 9:57am Report to Moderator
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Thanks mgj for your review. Suddenly, I'm not quite sure enough of that script. I realize it is badly written and I'm ashamed of it.

sorry about the typos. I'll do better next time.

Sorry again

Michel  


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mgj
Posted: June 28th, 2006, 11:19am Report to Moderator
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It's not badly written.  It just needs some work.  Don't feel bad.


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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tonkatough
Posted: June 30th, 2006, 7:28am Report to Moderator
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You say you wrote this 25 years ago. is this the first script you have ever written? it is great effort if it is.

The format is perfect. the action is crisp and clean, the dialouge flows with the natural speech pattern. It was easy to read and a fast read at that.

Slasher movies have come along way since you have written this and by today standards it would be very tame. The horror slasher genre is one genre that is fast receeding to the S bend of the toilet. Intense mutllation and torture porn is expected from today audience and the kids just can't seem to get enough of it. Movies like Saw, Wolf Creek or Hostel.

You're going to have to dream up some sick, twisted, sadistic visuals to have your script compete with what's being shown at cinemas.

The characters where very diverse and very natrual. The gruff hard arse detective is oldie but a classic. Got have one them in  a story like this.

I was glued to this script just trying to figure out who was the murderer. Which of the characters was the suspect. I was looking for clues left right and centre. So I was a little bummed to discover that the killer was not even one of the main characters but someone outside of the main loop and only introduced in flash backs.  

This seemed a little misleading and a very diffrent aproach. it is fine but I did feel cheated.

You have proven to be a competant writer and I would like to look at some of your other scripts. I'll add them to the list of stuff to read. The gladitor Vs the volcano one seems interesting and the WW1 pilots. I'll read them soon and post a review.    


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michel
Posted: June 30th, 2006, 7:45am Report to Moderator
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Seven Dwarfs was in fact my third script, and the starting point did happen to me. During a party, a guy came to us with a rifle and his pregnant wife begged him to leave us alone. I imagined then, what could happened if things went wrong. I guess today it is too softy for the big screen but I couldn't do differently.

********************SPOILERS**********************

I talked about the killer in page 12 but it was very quick.

                            TOM
                         (to Babe)
        By chance, we do it in our places each time. You  
        remember your fucking neighbor?

I don't know if you noticed but every murder is related with birth. Most of them are choking, strangulation, raping or stabbing. That's why I couldn't do "intense mutllation or torture porn".

But, on a second thought, maybe I can do it. It's true I never figured out this POV. It's too clean and too wise. Maybe I'm gonna kick some a**.

Anyway, thank you for your review. I will pay you back

Michel



Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
michel  -  July 10th, 2006, 5:15am
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michel
Posted: July 26th, 2006, 7:00am Report to Moderator
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I'm gonna try to adapt it with with more intense murders and mutilation to stay in tune with the actual time. Hope it'll work

Michel


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