Remembrance by James Fields - Short - Lenny, the bartender at the Irish Fish is about to get a customer who is from his past. His very dangerous, past… 10 pages - doc, format

I opened up this script and it was entitled “The Hit.” I’m not sure if this is an alternate title for the same script or if you loaded up the wrong script. In any event, the following review is for The Hit.

****SPOILERS****

FORMAT:

Good. A few minor things:

You need to number pages.

Usually, if you have the location in the slugline, there’s no need for it in the description. For example, the opening location is a bar:

INT.  BAR - NIGHT

A MYSTERIOUS MAN enters the bar…

You could just say a mysterious man enters. This is a minor example and not a big deal but just something to watch out for. A way to economize.

Grey - gray - this is sort of a toss up. The color gray is most often spelled with an ‘a.’ I believe the spelling with the ‘e’ is primarily a British spelling and I’m not sure if they still spell it that way. You may check with a British writer but the most common spelling is definitely with an ‘a.’

STORY:

It moved along pretty good and had an interesting set up. The repeated drinking of shots was okay but some of the conversation between was a little extraneous. It moved along pretty good though so I didn’t mind.

It was able to pique my interest for what was going to happen, even with such an obvious title, so that’s pretty good.

A few minor things:

He slams the shot glass softly? I’m not sure how that’s done.

A bartender who asks patrons if their wives are sexy isn’t going to last too long, I wouldn’t think. Maybe you should try to work around that. I wouldn’t think a man who works around a lot of drunk men would ask them if their wives are sexy very often, especially a man who’s never been there before.

Characters talk about the mysterious man’s joke but I’m not certain exactly what joke he told. He asked, “What’s your job?” I know he was being a smart aleck but was that the joke?

In the background - not back round, I think.

The biggest problem with the script is the resolution. It’s ultimately not satisfying. Mostly because the inciting incident takes place before the story begins and the reader is never given enough information about what happened to fully appreciate the ending.

There needs to be more explanation of the incident that drives the main character. Otherwise, the reader is left to view the final resolution as arbitrary. It’s almost as if you just killed everyone off to get out of the story. You need to tie what happens at the end with the events leading up to it.

Also, in the bar, it seemed that everyone was done for. Then, after the police arrive, people just keep coming out of the bar, miraculously alive and able to walk after having bile and blood falling out of their guts or having been shot in the genitalia. It just seems like the ending got away from you. That can be fixed easily though.

As far as the main character’s motivation, though, you’ve got to offer more there. Tell us something to make us believe this guy is real and had a family in Seattle that was devastated by this guy. Why is a bartender on a business trip? Tell us something intimate about the main character’s family, his brother, or something to make us feel that a family was really destroyed.


Brea

I got confused. Is it called rememberance or the hit? Anyway, I thought this script was fantastic. There was only one thing i didn't like.

SPOLIERS ##

When Mikhail finally reveals himself and how he thinks Lenny killed his mother, that line seemed a little cliche.

I absolutley love the line when he says "Say bye bye, bitch"

Alanah~

Hey James, this is the first thing I read from you I think. Got some comments.

*SPOILERS*

The set up kept me interested, maybe the previous chat was a little bit long for my taste, but it works. I liked when the revenge plot kicked in and some of the previous random questions of the protagonist suddenly made sense (Did you bang some business man’s wife?).

The resolution lacked a bit; I agree with Breanne here, and her suggestions about working on the character's background.

An additional suggestion on my own: let the audience know that the mysterious man has a gun *before* he pulls it out and points it to Lenny. By just showing he’s concealing a weapon, our interest in his conversation with Lenny will grow… big time.

Some notes I made along the way.

-Maybe it could be better if you name Mikhail right away. The reader could get tired of reading “The Mysterious Man” over and over again.

-The way you describe the age of your characters isn’t wrong, but there’s a much economical way of doing this.

“He takes a seat at the counter before he looks at the bartender LENNY.

Lenny is in his late forties to early fifties”

This could be: “He takes a seat at the counter before he looks at the bartender LENNY (50’s).”

- Watch out for location changes.
“The sound of sirens bellows somewhere deep in the city getting louder and louder until two police cars screech to a halt in front of the Irish Fish.”

The bit about the police cars should be under a new slugline “EXT. IRISH FISH – NIGHT” unless we’re only supposed to hear them; make that clear if it’s the case.

-“POLICE OFFICER
Time of death is 12:01.”

If we can’t see him talking, there should be a V.O right after the character.
Is the time of the death important? I will leave this out unless I missed something, in which case I apologize.

I hope some of this comments may be of help. Good luck.

awe that's fucked up.  the cops had no remorse at all for the men they shot.  everyone from the beginning dies. it's like some shakesperean trajedy.  i like your intro. and the shot after shot thing went well.

Breanne is right, you do need to number your pages.  i found it hard to believe Edgar would be reaching for i.d when the police told him put his hands in the air.  any other person would have fell to their knees with his or her hands in the air. u might want to edit that.  i like pace.  nice job with that.

A few things...

- This isn't really a big deal but don't write out late forties to early fifties. 40s-50s works much better but mainly, the idea is to save space and leave more white on the page. Just for future reference.

- "Crazy but calm." Huh? So it's crazy but then not so much? These two words are direct opposites. The line doesn't make sense. I suggest you change it.

- "Is she sexy?" Well... There goes Lenny's tip.

- Why would there be bile spilling from Lenny's arm, leg, or genetalia? Bile is a digestive fluid. The digestive system's the only place it could come from.

- Why would Lenny shoot Mikhail when the police are already on their way. Not smart at all.

- "I have ID to prove it was me who called." LOL. I don't this changes the fact that Lenny just blasted Mikhail. Get rid of this for sure.

- "Moans and 'shits'." This doesn't make any sense. Just say moans and leave it at that.

This was a decent read. Earlier on, it just seemed like pointless chatter but then things started to pick up. The ending is a little bizzare though. I mean, Lenny really messed up here. I also think you could strengthen your dialogue somewhat and develop your characters some more. Other than that, not too bad but I think you can do better.

Hello, and thank you for all your comments on my script. I'm sorry I haven't been here to read your work. We've recently had a family crisis, and I was gone from Simply Scripts.

Something is wrong with my script, this isn't what I thought was posted. For some reason I posted the wrong version. Crap.

This is the first draft....

I'll repost the final draft soon.

Nice dialogs but confusing ending. Why everybody has to die? The title is not punchy enough.

Waiting for the final draft

Michel

Before killing Zidane, wait for the whole explanation about his gesture (lol)

I heard various things about that. I heard on the news that Materazzi called him a terrorist, and from my friends I heard he called his sister a "whore, go home and f*** with her."