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This was a pretty good script Michael, probably because I reminded me so much of a similar situation I had with a mosquito once. Anyway you seem to have alot of typos and grammer erros, the few I found are as follows.
!SPLOIERS!
Through the window, a magnificent black sky full of millions of stars. (missing word on page 1)
One of the bed foot is missing (missing word on page 2)
Quicker than lightning, James’ hand hits the wall, and crush the insect. (crush should be crushes on page 2)
James reenters cautiously the bedroom (rethink the order of words, page 4)
The door slowly opens and squeaks. James enters another bedroom, all on fours, (order of words, page 5)
The nearby humming looks like having the hiccups like it was splitting its sides with laughing. (rephrase, page 5)
James waves angrily the shoehorn in the air, (rethink the order of words, page 5)
Every naked bulb light. The room is now illuminated with a white blinded light. (rephrase, page 6)
He hampers himself in the curtains and looks like fighting looking for the way out. (rephrase, page 6)
As a pirate ready to board, ('As', should be 'Like')
I also think you have too many camera angles and transiitions. Maybe some of these could be taken out.
I gave this short a read after reading the short synopsis of it. The title just didn't do it for me. It's the first thing I see and if it stands out I'll give it a look but sadly "Oh, What a Night!" didn't stand out. Still, I gave it a look after seeing the author was you, Michel. You've read a few of my scripts as I have yours so...
Without needing to add anything to Yohn's typo's and grammar errors, I'll go straight to the story. I thought it was very, very well written. Your writing for me, Michel, couldn't be any better. The way you describe actions and your general descriptions of characters are brilliant and it shines brightly in this.
A nice little short here. Always a pleasure to read your work so keep it up!
I thought it was very funny and entertaining. It's something we can all relate to. Those damn mosquitoes. We're in for a bad season this summer. Sorry, off topic, I liked how the love scene was just a dream. But I don't really like the title. Oh What a Night! reminds me of the song, which makes me think of young people at a bar drinking and dancing and having a good time.
Thank you all for your reviews. That's really motivating.
about the title, the first one was "Mosquito fight" but I found it said it all about the story. I turned it to "Oh! what a night" refering to the song "Ladies Night". The hero wanted a fantasy night that turned out to be a nightmare. A second degree title.
I know English is not your first language, nor is it mine (Swedish). I wanted to help you out with the spelling and some wordings at least, (grammar I'm no good at), but there were too many errors so I'm sorry, but I decided to leave that alone.
The story itself was pretty good and yes, I have had those pesky mosquito nights. They always seem to want to buzz near my ears and drive me nuts.
I thought your writing was nice, but due to some of the language in the beginning it took me a little while to figure out exactly what was going on.
Typical about finally falling asleep and then the alarm goes off.
A big problem I had with this script is that it didn't build to anything. James chases a mosquito and that's it. I was waiting for a payoff that didn't come. The bookshelf falling on him was not enough and neither was the alarm clock going off. You have to reward the readers for finishing the script.
I like this 8 pages no dialogue piece. I think it is well developed action short script, that is very good for the editors to show their skills on edidting.
About to have any payback, maybe just if one of the books falls on the mosquitoe head and wich title was HOW TO KILL MOSQUITOES IN 100 LESSONS!
About the title I'm not sure about...maybe "Infernal hum"..I don't know.
A question: there were two mother f****rs mosquitoes in Jame's bedroom?