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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The End of the Day Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 28th, 2006, 9:44pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The End of the Day by Marcus Dennis - Short, Drama - A short script about the tattered relationship of a mother and a rebellious teen. 4 pages - doc, format


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GM
Posted: June 29th, 2006, 9:26am Report to Moderator
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This is my first time posting anything on these boards so here goes...

In the heading, you should always leave a space between location and time of day. For example, in the beginning, you have:  

INT. HOUSE-MORNING

It should be:

INT. HOUSE - MORNING

Probably a typo, but you repeat it alot. So, you should definitely fix that.

Another problem I see involves grammer. Maybe you rushed the script in a hurry, but I suggest that you take your time in reviewing the script again and correcting the errors.

Also, try to see if you can add more action and less dialogue. Almost everything on the script is made up of very precise dialogue. The characters present their dilemma more through discussion rather than action. Try to reduce that factor and balance things out.  

And always keep this in mind as you rewrite, if you choose to do so, is how can I, the writer, make this script unique for others to be slightly interested in reading. I hope i helped.

Gabriel
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michel
Posted: June 29th, 2006, 9:35am Report to Moderator
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I had trouble to get the end.

******************SPOILERS*********************

Is Sharron was sleeping and dreamt all this?


Michel


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alffy
Posted: July 2nd, 2006, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
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I'm sorry but I didn't see the point of this.  There's no real story, twist or anything.  If the points to show how a rebellious kid really does care for his mother then surely you should expand on this a little.  At the moment it just seemed like a scene taken out of a bigger story, there's nothing to tell us why the kid suddenly goes from one extreme to another.


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Daniel_Robinson
Posted: July 11th, 2006, 12:37am Report to Moderator
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The story comes from your mind. So have fun!

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Nice piece,

Short but to the point, Boy has fight with mother and at the end the boy helps mother. I think you could add more to this. Maybe work on the idea a little.  Over all not bad.

Dan


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jerdol
Posted: July 11th, 2006, 6:29am Report to Moderator
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It's not horrible, but the idea is a bit simplistic.  I feel like the whole short could be summed up in one sentence.  Also, the mother's grammatical mistakes were overdone.


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James Fields
Posted: July 12th, 2006, 9:08pm Report to Moderator
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This made no sense to me, I'm really lost here. How did it end? Did he do really well, and his mom told him he loved her. I have no idea. Can you fill me in on what happened in the end?


Coming Soon:

I finally found the title for my short.

Acronym- You've been warned...

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Zombie Sean
Posted: July 14th, 2006, 9:12pm Report to Moderator
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Along with the other people, I'm kinda confused also. There really isn't any story except for some every day mother-son argument. Some mistakes, but nothing horrible.

Sean


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