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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Tattoo Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 28th, 2006, 9:53pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Tattoo by Cindy L. Keller - Short - When a demon learns of Dracula's death, he vows to get even with the world. He plots, experiments, and comes up with the perfect plan, but in doing so he takes his eyes off of his bumbling sidekick. 19 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  July 14th, 2008, 7:55pm
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Alan_Holman
Posted: June 28th, 2006, 10:31pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this.  One of my favourite parts was "paper, scissors, rock" because it reminded me of tests in a vampire Live Action Role Play I used to play.  
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CindyLKeller
Posted: June 29th, 2006, 4:55am Report to Moderator
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Alan,
Wow! I think this is the first script of mine that you've commented on... I think... I might be wrong, though. I've lost my mind before.

In this rewrite I wanted to make it more pre-teen friendly, a little on the lighter side.

Glad you liked it. That made my day.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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The boy who could fly
Posted: June 29th, 2006, 6:31am Report to Moderator
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hey Cindy,

This was a great read, there was a lot of humor along with the horror element ,I liked it a lot.

I loved the name Lucian, I think if I have a son that would be a good name...LOL

The rock paper scissors bit was very original, good job there.

I had a feeling Teodor was gonna do something with that stake, he reminded me of renfield, or however you spell it, from Dracula.

The ending was a gem, good job there

all in all this was a fun read.  keep up the good work


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michel
Posted: June 29th, 2006, 8:51am Report to Moderator
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Cindy, how amazing this script coming from you, very far from A Song In My Heart.

anyway, I did like it and I really enjoy your style (as usual)

I could perfectly figure Lucian and Teodor as Abbot and Costello.

Great ending

Michel


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CindyLKeller
Posted: June 30th, 2006, 7:13am Report to Moderator
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theboywhocouldfly,
Thank you for taking the time to read my little script. Glad you liked it. I toyed around with a couple different things within the last year for this one, let them sit, then decided to change it around so it could be enjoyable to a wider audience should it ever get produced.
I just found out I have another grandchild on the way.  
I suggested the name Lucian to my daughter. She just looked at me wide-eyed like I was crazy. LOL It's a different name, and I think it's a very strong male name. I know she will come up with a good one.


Michel,
Yes, Abbot and Costello crossed my mind, too. My dream actors for this one would be Christopher Walken and Danny DeVito. That would be too cool!
I'm glad you like my style. I'm not much on blood and guts. I like the older horror like Frankenstein, Dracula... but then again, I like Rocky Horror Picture Show, and Mel Brooks movies, too. I guess this short was my way of mixing them all together with something original.

Thanks for reading.  

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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michel
Posted: June 30th, 2006, 7:35am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from CindyLKeller
I guess this short was my way of mixing them all together with something original.


You did it with talent

Michel


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CindyLKeller
Posted: June 30th, 2006, 7:43am Report to Moderator
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Thank you, Michel.  


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Mr.Z
Posted: June 30th, 2006, 8:13am Report to Moderator
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*SPOILERS*

This was kind of funny. Somehow, Lucian and Teodor reminded me of Pinky and the Brain. The genius-dumb couple is kind of used, but you wrote them well here and it worked. This couple gave this script the pre-teen friendly tone you intended.

Lucian’s plan, while a bit crazy, was somehow original and I liked it. A nice bend between ancient (vampirism) and modern (tattoo).

Nothing important to bust you on, just a couple of details.

Give us the ages of Teodor and Lucian

“Lucian, a man with no patience”. This can’t be recorded by the camera and there’s no way we can conclude this at first sight of him. His patience or lack of it should be made clear by his actions and dialogue. And you did a good job in showing his impatience, so I’d say you should loose the quoted line.

P4 Lucian: “That’s it! Idiot! You’re a genus!” Hahah! Funny line. Watch for the typo at the end.

Lots of “Thunder crashes somewhere in the distance.” One or two should be enough to set the mood.

“INSERT HEADLINE: VAMPIRES”
Avoid camera directions like the plague; they’re very frowned upon in spec scripts.

Try something like: “The headline reads: VAMPIRES”.

Lucian keeps insulting Teodor even as a Bat, hahah, very funny.

Nothing more to add, good job Cindy.



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Mr.Z  -  June 30th, 2006, 8:58am
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CindyLKeller
Posted: June 30th, 2006, 11:14am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mr. Z,
Thanks for taking the time to read this silly, little short.
Thanks for pointing out a couple things to me. As always the fresh eyes are better at catching mistakes.
As for the thunder, I wanted it to be in a lot of scenes just to add a little "umph". LOL

Thanks again for taking the time to read it. I have to get busy reading scripts, too.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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surferchicky92
Posted: July 2nd, 2006, 9:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Cindy,

i really enjoyed your script. It had some really wonderful imagery in it (the cumulus clouds) nad I loved the characters. I sent you an e-mail regarding copyrighting questions,  if that's all right.

Alanah~
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bert
Posted: July 2nd, 2006, 10:34pm Report to Moderator
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Boy, is this different from the original version.  But your two Transylvanian characters really shine here in a way the previous version did not allow.

You still aren't using CAPS as effectively as you might, or short sentences.

For the second line of this piece, try:

A man SCREAMS in terror.

Lose the "from below".  I mean, obviously, right?

"Idiot!  You're a genius!"  That's a great line.

OK, by page 8 I am starting to think we might be overdoing it a bit with the thunder and lightning.  But the one after the newspaper headline on page 10 should stay.

This one ends with a great punchline.  The bats are really funny, and it suits both characters perfectly.

You really took this in a different direction this time.  But given the new conclusion to this story, a comment occurs to me now that did not occur to me before.

Why is it that Lucian is doing this?  I don't think "revenge" is quite enough for this version.  If Dracula is his "ancestor", why is he not a vampire?  And why would he seek to incite the spread of vampirism?  Does he want to be a vampire himself?  If not, why is he doing this?  And if he does, why not use a little of the ink on himself?

Anyways, I am maybe (probably) thinking too hard on this, but am just tossing it out there as another aspect of Lucian's character you might want to explore if you ever return for subsequent revisions.  "Cute" horror stories may be a pretty limited subgenre, but I gotta say that you are my favorite girl doing them.  Nice work, Cindy.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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CindyLKeller
Posted: July 2nd, 2006, 10:56pm Report to Moderator
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Alanah,
Glad you liked the script, but I didn't receive an e-mail from you. ???

Bert,
Thanks for your comments. I guess if I decide to do another rewrite on this one, I'll have to check the thunder, since you're not the only one who mentioned it.

I did do quite a change to this one. I did it with one thought in my mind, my grandkids, and thought this would be something they would like to see.

The question about Lucian crossed my mind, too. If I do another rewrite, maybe devil horns will grow on his head when he gets angry. ???

Thanks for taking the time to read it.  

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: July 3rd, 2006, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Cindy. I read this.

This is cute in a very bizarre way. It seems to me that it would work best as an animated short.

Someone already mentioned the genus - genius on P4. Here are a couple more:

P6 - power - powder

P11 - Lucian glares (at) the mailbag.

I thought Lucian was a vampire until he said he was cold. Then I wasn’t sure whether he was a vampire and you made a mistake or if he was an ordinary person.

Someone else already mentioned the formula of the taller dominating man and his dimwitted sidekick. But this does have its own original take on it.

The lightning thing was overused. I know this was already mentioned but I wanted to reinforce it. It was overused and the exact same wording was used too much.

The line: Thunder crashes somewhere in the distance - appears in that exact wording 8 times in the script. That causes a sort of “copy and paste” feel. And you also have other variations of the phrase as well. Bert had an idea with placing them more strategically. And maybe change the wording up on some of those 8 identical ones.

Overall though, it was cute, funny and enjoyable.

Brea



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Helio
Posted: July 3rd, 2006, 10:30pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Cindy! Great characthers Teodor and Lucian !

It reminded me something with Marty Feldman, Abbot&Costello and many others great comedy stars.

You did it very well for me, of course that it had many others little things to coment, but I'll let it to my friends Breanne, Bert and others that alread commented your script with property.

Using Brea last words...

It was funny and enjoyable!
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