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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Clown Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Clown  (currently 2131 views)
Don
Posted: July 8th, 2006, 8:01am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Clown by Daniel Robinson - Short, Horror - When a Clown loses his job he goes on a killing spree just to make himself happy. Later on after he gets arrested a kid finds a green wig and a knife and takes over where the Clown left off.  I am still working on the feature to this. 7 pages - pdf, format


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Balt
Posted: July 8th, 2006, 9:18am Report to Moderator
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I believe you're the one I wrote reviews for and they all got taken down... "Go figure" Anyways... This script seems more polished than your others, but it still has its problems in it.

FADE IN:

FADE OUT:

It just looks sloppy the way you have it throughout your script. Do away with them all together. It's distracting when you're taking us into your movie and then back out of your movie and then back into your movie again.

SLOW DISSOLVE:  is one way you can make this all work. People bitch about it sometimes... but PORK' EM.

I just think the way you have it all is sloppy looking.  Maybe, if you want it like that so bad, toss the FADE OUT: on the opposite side of the page, like you do when you end the script. That might not look so bad.


Your dialogue in this one wasn't as bad as past attempts, it's getting better actually. I laughed  a few times in this one and not because of the absurdity of the dialogue, but because it was actually funny at a few turns.

The characters all kinda lacked depth, but that is to be expected when it's only 6 pages. I think the 1st clown thing/guy had the most going for him. Keep with his arc.

All in all, it's not great but you're getting better and better with each new script. I believe so anyways.
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surferchicky92
Posted: July 8th, 2006, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty good. It's kind of an odd plot, but hey, anything with clowns in it scares the hell out of me. It was a little short, and it could probably be 10 or even 15 pages longer if you wanted. Good job.

Alanah~
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Daniel_Robinson
Posted: July 8th, 2006, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
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The story comes from your mind. So have fun!

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Hey thanks guys.

I was working on a feature of this and deided to see how the short would be.

Yeah Baltis you have posted on my other ones.  

Clowns freak me out and I see them all as being evil. lol

Thanks again,
Dan


Gotta keep writing!

Writer of:  

"The Video Game" Post Production

"House of Curse",

"The Secrect Door",  Production

"Twisted",  Post Production

"The Shadows",

"Octagon"  Post Production

"Die Cut",

"Judgement Area 51",

"Colon and His Clone"  !Produced!

and more, run my name in search.

e-mail me:
stupifided2002@yahoo.com

Cool site I make games for:
http://www.rottenzombie.com/boards/index.php
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spencerforhire
Posted: July 8th, 2006, 11:48pm Report to Moderator
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Write NOW! Perfect LATER!

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Dan

Good job. The only thing that I would like to say is take out the excessive fade in and fade out. And make your clown even more evil.

Spencer


I got nothing.  
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James Fields
Posted: July 9th, 2006, 7:53pm Report to Moderator
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One word, bizarre....

I hated the dialogue so much that i wanted to leap into the script and strangle that darn clown. "Howdy do. Would you like to have some fun?" A line which I want to put a bullet in.

You had a few spelling errors in small places.

The deaths were gruesome, and I like that. The two thugs dying was the best part for me. Muahahhaha.... His eyes pop out of his head. Awesome...

Your story is odd, the clown started killing people cause he couldn't please children? Is that what it was? I find that funny, yet kind of weird. You've got something good, if there was a backround of this clown, I'd have enjoyed this.

The ending wasn't satisfying. A little kid picks up a knife, and decides to kill the drunk guy. I find that hard to believe, but scripts are sometimes fictional.

Please work on this, and I'll read it again.



James Fields


Coming Soon:

I finally found the title for my short.

Acronym- You've been warned...

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Daniel_Robinson
Posted: July 9th, 2006, 7:53pm Report to Moderator
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The story comes from your mind. So have fun!

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I'll do that. I was think about calling the re-write Evil Smiles so Be on the look out for it after the fifhteenth.
Dan


Gotta keep writing!

Writer of:  

"The Video Game" Post Production

"House of Curse",

"The Secrect Door",  Production

"Twisted",  Post Production

"The Shadows",

"Octagon"  Post Production

"Die Cut",

"Judgement Area 51",

"Colon and His Clone"  !Produced!

and more, run my name in search.

e-mail me:
stupifided2002@yahoo.com

Cool site I make games for:
http://www.rottenzombie.com/boards/index.php
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Daniel_Robinson
Posted: July 9th, 2006, 7:57pm Report to Moderator
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The story comes from your mind. So have fun!

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Some where upstate New York
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Thanks James I'll put more effort into the background of the clown and the story might make more sense.

Dan


Gotta keep writing!

Writer of:  

"The Video Game" Post Production

"House of Curse",

"The Secrect Door",  Production

"Twisted",  Post Production

"The Shadows",

"Octagon"  Post Production

"Die Cut",

"Judgement Area 51",

"Colon and His Clone"  !Produced!

and more, run my name in search.

e-mail me:
stupifided2002@yahoo.com

Cool site I make games for:
http://www.rottenzombie.com/boards/index.php
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James Fields
Posted: July 9th, 2006, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
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Your welcome. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed your script. There are just some holes that need to be filled in. Like the kid finding the wig and the knife, and deciding to kill the drunk.

Details, details, details.


Coming Soon:

I finally found the title for my short.

Acronym- You've been warned...

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Daniel_Robinson
Posted: July 10th, 2006, 8:38pm Report to Moderator
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The story comes from your mind. So have fun!

Location
Some where upstate New York
Posts
71
Posts Per Day
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I'll get it done... I got into this flow and decided to go with it. I re-read it and noticed that I didn't have the clown leave the wig behind so I have some more writing to do on this on.  I have a few more scripts coming out. One is called The Unforgiven, the other is The music.

Talk to you all soon,
Dan


Gotta keep writing!

Writer of:  

"The Video Game" Post Production

"House of Curse",

"The Secrect Door",  Production

"Twisted",  Post Production

"The Shadows",

"Octagon"  Post Production

"Die Cut",

"Judgement Area 51",

"Colon and His Clone"  !Produced!

and more, run my name in search.

e-mail me:
stupifided2002@yahoo.com

Cool site I make games for:
http://www.rottenzombie.com/boards/index.php
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rpedro
Posted: July 12th, 2006, 2:16am Report to Moderator
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Read this one,

I would have said : turn it into a feature, but you are already doing it!

I like the concept of the clown getting sick and going on a killing.
And the ending was good, with the little kid picking up the line.
Actually, when you start the short have the little kid be the same one that doesn't like the jokes in the beginning, and let it be him in the hand that grabs the knife.
That will surprise the folks, 'they would all go, oh my god, it's that kid from the beginning'!

Good stuff Dan!

here is your tag line : 'Evil Dead' meets 'It'




Scripts :
- Hot Road (short)
- The Mirror (short)
- Listen Up (short)
- Dawn (short)
- One Day (short)
- Steal (short)

Pedro Chaves
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Daniel_Robinson
Posted: July 12th, 2006, 9:24pm Report to Moderator
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The story comes from your mind. So have fun!

Location
Some where upstate New York
Posts
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Posts Per Day
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Thanks rpedro,

I like the tagline, I figured I'd go for something different. If you like this one wait until after the 15th when I upload the new ones.

Dan


Gotta keep writing!

Writer of:  

"The Video Game" Post Production

"House of Curse",

"The Secrect Door",  Production

"Twisted",  Post Production

"The Shadows",

"Octagon"  Post Production

"Die Cut",

"Judgement Area 51",

"Colon and His Clone"  !Produced!

and more, run my name in search.

e-mail me:
stupifided2002@yahoo.com

Cool site I make games for:
http://www.rottenzombie.com/boards/index.php
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tomson
Posted: July 13th, 2006, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
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Dan,

This was not that bad for 6 pages.

SPOILERS:

I agree with the others about the FADE INs and FADE OUTs. I don’t believe they are necessary, but deleting them would also sorten the script from 6.5 pages to just 6.

I thought the beginning was the strongest part of this script. I hate clowns with a passion, but you made me feel sad for him. I lost that feeling for him somewhat as the story went on, but still, never thought I’d feel sorry for a clown, haha.

On page three, when Dave kills the bum, I thought it came a little bit too unexpected and sudden. Not much description there either, so it left me a little unsatisfied, too quick and clean. I did however like the balloon neck tie.

Pg 5,  found and evidence? – any evidence

The court room thing happens already the next day. I think that is way too quick after an arrest. You also have him convicted and sentenced to 25 years in prison, I think it would be better to just say later, than “the next day” it’s just way too quick, unless we are in N. Korea or some place like that.

Not too bad for a short Dan!
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Daniel_Robinson
Posted: July 13th, 2006, 9:39pm Report to Moderator
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The story comes from your mind. So have fun!

Location
Some where upstate New York
Posts
71
Posts Per Day
0.01
Thanks for the feedback,

Dan


Gotta keep writing!

Writer of:  

"The Video Game" Post Production

"House of Curse",

"The Secrect Door",  Production

"Twisted",  Post Production

"The Shadows",

"Octagon"  Post Production

"Die Cut",

"Judgement Area 51",

"Colon and His Clone"  !Produced!

and more, run my name in search.

e-mail me:
stupifided2002@yahoo.com

Cool site I make games for:
http://www.rottenzombie.com/boards/index.php
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darthbrion
Posted: July 13th, 2006, 11:35pm Report to Moderator
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I'm seriously troubled.....

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who isn't afraid of clowns?  

cool little short and a fun read despite the problems that everyone before me has mentioned.  (Fade In, Out Etc.)

I would have liked to have seen this a little longer and maybe give Dave a little more background.  Maybe he came from a long line of successful clowns and feels as if he's letting down the "family tradition"

anyway fun read!
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