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The Clown by Daniel Robinson - Short, Horror - When a Clown loses his job he goes on a killing spree just to make himself happy. Later on after he gets arrested a kid finds a green wig and a knife and takes over where the Clown left off. I am still working on the feature to this. 7 pages - pdf, format
I believe you're the one I wrote reviews for and they all got taken down... "Go figure" Anyways... This script seems more polished than your others, but it still has its problems in it.
FADE IN:
FADE OUT:
It just looks sloppy the way you have it throughout your script. Do away with them all together. It's distracting when you're taking us into your movie and then back out of your movie and then back into your movie again.
SLOW DISSOLVE: is one way you can make this all work. People bitch about it sometimes... but PORK' EM.
I just think the way you have it all is sloppy looking. Maybe, if you want it like that so bad, toss the FADE OUT: on the opposite side of the page, like you do when you end the script. That might not look so bad.
Your dialogue in this one wasn't as bad as past attempts, it's getting better actually. I laughed a few times in this one and not because of the absurdity of the dialogue, but because it was actually funny at a few turns.
The characters all kinda lacked depth, but that is to be expected when it's only 6 pages. I think the 1st clown thing/guy had the most going for him. Keep with his arc.
All in all, it's not great but you're getting better and better with each new script. I believe so anyways.
Pretty good. It's kind of an odd plot, but hey, anything with clowns in it scares the hell out of me. It was a little short, and it could probably be 10 or even 15 pages longer if you wanted. Good job.
I hated the dialogue so much that i wanted to leap into the script and strangle that darn clown. "Howdy do. Would you like to have some fun?" A line which I want to put a bullet in.
You had a few spelling errors in small places.
The deaths were gruesome, and I like that. The two thugs dying was the best part for me. Muahahhaha.... His eyes pop out of his head. Awesome...
Your story is odd, the clown started killing people cause he couldn't please children? Is that what it was? I find that funny, yet kind of weird. You've got something good, if there was a backround of this clown, I'd have enjoyed this.
The ending wasn't satisfying. A little kid picks up a knife, and decides to kill the drunk guy. I find that hard to believe, but scripts are sometimes fictional.
Your welcome. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed your script. There are just some holes that need to be filled in. Like the kid finding the wig and the knife, and deciding to kill the drunk.
I'll get it done... I got into this flow and decided to go with it. I re-read it and noticed that I didn't have the clown leave the wig behind so I have some more writing to do on this on. I have a few more scripts coming out. One is called The Unforgiven, the other is The music.
I would have said : turn it into a feature, but you are already doing it!
I like the concept of the clown getting sick and going on a killing. And the ending was good, with the little kid picking up the line. Actually, when you start the short have the little kid be the same one that doesn't like the jokes in the beginning, and let it be him in the hand that grabs the knife. That will surprise the folks, 'they would all go, oh my god, it's that kid from the beginning'!
Good stuff Dan!
here is your tag line : 'Evil Dead' meets 'It'
Scripts : - Hot Road (short) - The Mirror (short) - Listen Up (short) - Dawn (short) - One Day (short) - Steal (short)
I agree with the others about the FADE INs and FADE OUTs. I don’t believe they are necessary, but deleting them would also sorten the script from 6.5 pages to just 6.
I thought the beginning was the strongest part of this script. I hate clowns with a passion, but you made me feel sad for him. I lost that feeling for him somewhat as the story went on, but still, never thought I’d feel sorry for a clown, haha.
On page three, when Dave kills the bum, I thought it came a little bit too unexpected and sudden. Not much description there either, so it left me a little unsatisfied, too quick and clean. I did however like the balloon neck tie.
Pg 5, found and evidence? – any evidence
The court room thing happens already the next day. I think that is way too quick after an arrest. You also have him convicted and sentenced to 25 years in prison, I think it would be better to just say later, than “the next day” it’s just way too quick, unless we are in N. Korea or some place like that.
cool little short and a fun read despite the problems that everyone before me has mentioned. (Fade In, Out Etc.)
I would have liked to have seen this a little longer and maybe give Dave a little more background. Maybe he came from a long line of successful clowns and feels as if he's letting down the "family tradition"