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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  A Certain Sunday Morning Moderators: bert
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  Author    A Certain Sunday Morning  (currently 2183 views)
Don
Posted: July 8th, 2006, 8:02am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Certain Sunday Morning by Helio J Cordeiro - Short - When everything goes well, something unexpected could happen to change this state of thing very drastically. 9 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Parker
Posted: July 8th, 2006, 11:14am Report to Moderator
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Hey Helio, just had a nice read of your script. There are some slight language problems I think but they are somewhat minor.

           BOY (V.O)
I didnít know too much about how
they met each other either how
they felled in love, but I bet
they gotten passionate and
extremely jealous...

The three words in bold should be changed, I think, to neither fell and got.

There are similar cases in different parts of the script. I think all of which are inside the dialogue. Your descriptions are top notch.

SPOILERS!!!!

The story itself is good. It's very emotional I feel and the ending is quite sad. The only part I was unsure about was how George came just in the nick of time to shoot the man in the uniform. It's not that clear to me why the mental patient who escaped killed Cindy but I think I know. Was the baby actually the mental guys or...? I'm not too sure to be honest. However, I did like the story Helio.

Overall, good story, emotional, descriptions are clear and very well done... the odd few language mistakes and the George appearing at the nick of time thing were the only low points. Nice script, enjoyed reading it.

GBM


I may be an idiot, but I'm no idiot.
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Helio
Posted: July 8th, 2006, 11:29am Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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GBM, thanks a lot, pal!

About the problems with the dialogues will fix it. Thanks for your reading, anyway.
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spencerforhire
Posted: July 8th, 2006, 11:43pm Report to Moderator
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Write NOW! Perfect LATER!

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Helio

My favorite Brazilian writer. Hey, buddy how is it going?

I read you script today... and... well... to be honest it seemed very choppy. Didn't seem to flow. And I agree with GBM there are some unexplained points. The story premise is solid, the story just needs a little ironing out.

Lets chat soon.

Spencer


I got nothing.  
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CindyLKeller
Posted: July 9th, 2006, 6:25am Report to Moderator
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Hey Helio,
Just got done reading your short.


SPOILERS




I must say the reading of the letter threw me for a loop. I thought the letter she was reading was from her boyfriend, and maybe she had cheated on him since she was pregnant.

I liked the way you portrayed the older women at the store, how they shunned Cindy.

A couple sugestions for you to consider...

Earlier in the story you might want to show Cindy leaving the mental hospital, maybe getting into a taxi and just looking back at the building as a sort of misslead.   ??? Make people think she was just released, but she's really only been visiting her husband. ???  

As for the ending where her boyfriend is there right on time... Well, why not make him already there? Show the two of them being happy with his return. Maybe he's in another room either emptying his suitcase or eating at the kitchen table when Cindy's husband shows up???

I liked the twisted ending, Helio.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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michel
Posted: July 10th, 2006, 3:35am Report to Moderator
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Nice one Helio.

Good story with a quite cruel ending. Cindy's remarks look rather pertinent to me, as GravyBoatMan's about George's appearence. I liked it. Well done (again)


Quoted from Parker
It's not that clear to me why the mental patient who escaped killed Cindy but I think I know. Was the baby actually the mental guys or...?


Do not worry about it Helio. We do understand that the baby is George's.

Michel  


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Helio
Posted: July 10th, 2006, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Hey, Spencer, Cindy and Michel I appreciated you comments. Thanks a lot.

Cindy I tried to mislead about Cindy's husband in order to confound George with him. Anyway your points were usefull.

You're right Michel the the baby's George. Not the Willson, but the Cooper. hehe!
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Mr.Z
Posted: July 10th, 2006, 3:08pm Report to Moderator
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Hi there my Ronaldhinian friend  

You always manage to throw some crazy endings to your stories Helio; it's very hard to predict where this one is going.

*SPOILERS*

I think you did well in starting the story in 1952 when the bad thing that happened, had already happened. Seeing George crying is the right hook to start this.

My only problem with this short, is that you've got many related events told in few pages. Things happen too quick. For example: The Mental Hospital thingy is a very relevant aspect of the plot, yet we learn about it in the last page, and by looking at a newspaper headline.

With some fleshing out (specially the Mental Hospital aspect), I think this story could work a little bit better.

Good luck  


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tomson
Posted: July 10th, 2006, 7:57pm Report to Moderator
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Helio,

This was a nice little emotional story and you managed to accomplish that in less than 10 pages too.

George and Cyndi... where did you come up with those names?
Started out really nice with those two and George finding out about the baby.

Maybe I'm stupid, but where did George go?

          GEORGE
Don't worry I will be back soon!
          CINDY
Don't take long, George!

It sounds almost like he's just going off to the store or something, but he ends up being gone for a year or so.

I like how those old women at the store were whispering. It's so typical. Good job.

When the guy in the army uniform shows up at the door, you wrote that Cyndi was smiling. Would she really be smiling when she just read in the paper that patients from that mental hospital had escaped and he should be there, but now he shows up at her door. Just seems to me she would be horrified to see him out and at her doorstep. I could be wrong.

I didn't have a problem with George showing up when he did, but I found it a little convenient that he too just happened to carry a loaded gun. Not a lot of people carry loaded guns.

Anyways Helio, nice little story. I enjoyed it. You should write more of these love story type scripts.
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Daniel_Robinson
Posted: July 11th, 2006, 12:08am Report to Moderator
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This was a sad story with a happy ending you don't see much of these around anymore.

I like how George saved the child.

In the ending was he Raising the child or just visiting him?

Need to know,
Dan


Gotta keep writing!

Writer of:††

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"House of Curse",

"The Secrect Door",††Production

"Twisted",††Post Production

"The Shadows",

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and more, run my name in search.

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tomson
Posted: July 11th, 2006, 12:22am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Daniel_Robinson
This was a sad story with a happy ending you don't see much of these around anymore.

Hi Dan,
I just have a question. What's happy about the ending?


Quoted from Daniel_Robinson
In the ending was he Raising the child or just visiting him?
Need to know,
Dan

I think the boy is his son.

Are you sure you read it slow enough to think about the story?

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Daniel_Robinson
Posted: July 11th, 2006, 12:29am Report to Moderator
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The story comes from your mind. So have fun!

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the ending was happy because the child's alive.

dan


Gotta keep writing!

Writer of:††

"The Video Game" Post Production

"House of Curse",

"The Secrect Door",††Production

"Twisted",††Post Production

"The Shadows",

"Octagon"††Post Production

"Die Cut",

"Judgement Area 51",

"Colon and His Clone"  !Produced!

and more, run my name in search.

e-mail me:
stupifided2002@yahoo.com

Cool site I make games for:
http://www.rottenzombie.com/boards/index.php
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Shelton
Posted: July 11th, 2006, 12:34am Report to Moderator
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Helio,

I enjoyed this.  I think you did a nice job of setting everything up and then pullign the rug out from under us.  I'll admit I was fooled and thought the man in uniform was delivering a letter about George being dead.  Definitely nice work.

A couple beefs.

The 7 year old boy's dialogue read a bit too old for me, like that of a young man instead of a child.

Also, the 1 and a half year preganancy.  Spencer commented on it in Phil's script thread, but I think he was mixed up since it belongs here.

Other than that, another nice piece by you.  Good work!


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CindyLKeller
Posted: July 11th, 2006, 7:22am Report to Moderator
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Mike,
I thought it was a year and a half pregnancy, too, until I got  to the end. The letter she was reading was from her husband in the institution who thought he was still at war, and still sending her mail.


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Shelton
Posted: July 11th, 2006, 9:32am Report to Moderator
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A-ha!  Now it makes sense.

Pay no mind to the man behind the curtain.


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