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The Tenor by Ben (bigwhoop) - Short, Horror - On thier way back from a wedding, Georgia and her husband Peter are getting tired. They stop at a hotel simply called The Inn, with no one there except the friendly manager/recpetionest Kyle. But KYle isn't as innocent as he seems.... 21 pages - doc, format
I think you've taken a step forward in your stories but a step backward in formatting. Usually it's the other way around. In your other works you pretty much have the format down but in here there's excessive white space and the dialogue is off center. Don't know what went wrong there.
Anyway I liked your story. I'd classify this as a slasher, but that's the direction that horror has taken in the past 10 years so whatever. Your descriptions are very well written, but try to transition more smoothly. Too often you have "She does this and then she does that" blah blah blah. That kind of thing rocks the otherwise smooth flow of the story.
The blood was pretty cool--Georgia reaching for the knob with only her thumb would be a cool image. One thing that bugged me was this Kyle fellow. An explanation I guess wasn't necessary since you have a repeat at the end, but at the least you should change his name. "Kyle" is just blah for some sadistic killer living in an empty inn.
So overall your writing has become a pleasure to read. Fun story! Good job!
It was interesting comparing this script to the other short you wrote titled Zest.
I recall Zest being difficult to read because the scenes did not flow smoothly and where very jarring.
With this script the flow of the plot and scenes is very smooth. I liked the cutting between peter being tortured and georgie sitting about relaxing in her hotel room. Stuff like this is very effective.
The way you wrote the action for the violence was graphical and confronting. but I did not find the violence very interesting. It was kind of dull.
This script would fall into the torture porn catagory. (Saw, Hostel) I am not a fan of this stuff as it feel it is gimicky and a cheap, lazy way to shock and create horror instead of crafting a plot the requires well paced scenes with carefully built up tension and quick bursts of violence and horror at the right moment.
Becareful with your action. The description of the hotel room was overly wirtten. A hotel room is a hotel room, it is a waste of words and slows down the read of the script describing every single object in the room. I just skipped the whole paragraph and continued reading.
You have proven that you are a very competent script writer, so maybe you should just take the plunge and have a go at writing a feature length. It is the only way you will hone your craft.
I read this, like you asked, and here's the review:
I mean, overall, I liked it. I'm just surprised how much these people can bleed before they die.
Also, I found it weird that the inn is supposed to like never get any guests. Then how come more people come in the next day?
I know you must hate people who focus on spelling mistakes, but there were a few. Now that you know, I won't bore you by pointing them out.
This script was descried as a "Short Horror". I don't think it's really a short. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not exactly feature-length, but you should see some of the scripts in the shorts section. They're about 5 pages. Now, I'm not saying you should edit it, it's great the way it is, but it's about the length of an episode of most shows.
When you described what Peter & Georgia did to try and escape Kyle, you only used their names once. Then, it was about two pages of "He did this. He went there" and the same with Georgia. In fact, by the time Georgia was about to jump from the balcony, I'd actually forgotten her name.
There's one thing that really annoys me in pretty much all stories. It's like, there's these people in a car, looking for somewhere to say. Then HOW CONVINIENT is it that a sign pops up for an inn.
I was surprised at how much gore there was, even though 2 people died. In some films it take that amount of gore to kill 4 or 5.
Sorry, that's all I found wrong with this script. Well done overall.
Ok. I noticed some things. But all of them are posted already, but I have one more thing to say: What IS a spanner? That really threw me off. I know it's already posted, but I had to say it. I just was wondering what you meant.