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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Tenor Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 6:45am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Tenor by Ben (bigwhoop) - Short, Horror - On thier way back from a wedding, Georgia and her husband Peter are getting tired. They stop at a hotel simply called The Inn, with no one there except the friendly manager/recpetionest Kyle.  But KYle isn't as innocent as he seems.... 21 pages - doc, format


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-Ben-
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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Stop reading this and look above!

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I write this in an attempt to stretch my writing capabilities into another genre...in other words, it's just a half seriosu attempt.

Hope you like it!


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Shelton
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 7:50pm Report to Moderator
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Your first slugline and action lines are at the bottom of the title page.

No page numbers.

Georgia's first two lines of dialogue identify her as Gorgia.  I'm sorry, but that's just hilarious.  I'm going to picture her as a fat chick for the rest of the script.

Dialogue margins are WAY too far to the right.  Actually, your other margins look off too.

What the hell is a spanner?

Page 7 - It's Duct, not duck tape.

I'm curious as to what kind of wire Kyle is using for it to cause that much damage.  is it piano wire?  You don't say, but that's all I can fathom doing that kind of damage.

You have like four spaces before you enter a new slugline.  That's way too many.

And that whol scene with James and Hanna in the room, followed by going to the reception desk is completely unnecessary.  Once he gives them the key to room 21, you know exactly what's going to happen.

Overall, alright.  Nothing new, but alright.  I'm pretty sure that you didn't go through this before submitting, but what the hell, that seems to be the flavor of the day.


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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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-Ben-
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 10:06pm Report to Moderator
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Stop reading this and look above!

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I did go through it, I need to fix up the format.


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greg
Posted: July 22nd, 2006, 12:06am Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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Hey Ben,

I think you've taken a step forward in your stories but a step backward in formatting.  Usually it's the other way around.  In your other works you pretty much have the format down but in here there's excessive white space and the dialogue is off center.  Don't know what went wrong there.

Anyway I liked your story.  I'd classify this as a slasher, but that's the direction that horror has taken in the past 10 years so whatever.  Your descriptions are very well written, but try to transition more smoothly.  Too often you have "She does this and then she does that" blah blah blah.  That kind of thing rocks the otherwise smooth flow of the story.

The blood was pretty cool--Georgia reaching for the knob with only her thumb would be a cool image.  One thing that bugged me was this Kyle fellow.  An explanation I guess wasn't necessary since you have a repeat at the end, but at the least you should change his name.  "Kyle" is just blah for some sadistic killer living in an empty inn.

So overall your writing has become a pleasure to read.  Fun story!  Good job!


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-Ben-
Posted: July 22nd, 2006, 3:38am Report to Moderator
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Stop reading this and look above!

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Thanks, Greg. Yeah, I'm gonan fix up the format.


EDIT: I'm working on a rewrite.



Revision History (1 edits)
-Ben-  -  July 23rd, 2006, 1:11am
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tonkatough
Posted: July 30th, 2006, 4:45am Report to Moderator
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It was interesting comparing this script to the other short you wrote titled Zest.

I recall Zest being difficult to read because the scenes did not flow smoothly and where very jarring.

With this script the flow of the plot and scenes is very smooth. I liked the cutting between peter being tortured and georgie sitting about relaxing in her hotel room. Stuff like this is very effective.

The way you wrote the action for the violence was graphical and confronting.  but
I did not find the violence very interesting. It was kind of dull.

This script would fall into the torture porn catagory. (Saw, Hostel) I am not a fan of this stuff as it feel it is gimicky and a cheap, lazy way to shock and create horror instead of crafting a plot the requires well paced scenes with carefully built up tension and quick bursts of violence and horror at the right moment.

Becareful with your action. The description of the hotel room was overly wirtten. A hotel room is a hotel room, it is a waste of words and slows down the read of the script describing every single object in the room. I just skipped the whole paragraph and continued reading.

You have proven that you are a very competent script writer, so maybe you should just take the plunge and have a go at writing a feature length. It is the only way you will hone your craft.  

  


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-Ben-
Posted: July 30th, 2006, 10:14pm Report to Moderator
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Stop reading this and look above!

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Thanks, tonkatough!


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DOM
Posted: July 31st, 2006, 11:31am Report to Moderator
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I read this, like you asked, and here's the review:

-SPOILERS-

I mean, overall, I liked it. I'm just surprised how much these people can bleed before they die.

Also, I found it weird that the inn is supposed to like never get any guests. Then how come more people come in the next day?

I know you must hate people who focus on spelling mistakes, but there were a few. Now that you know, I won't bore you by pointing them out.

This script was descried as a "Short Horror". I don't think it's really a short. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not exactly feature-length, but you should see some of the scripts in the shorts section. They're about 5 pages. Now, I'm not saying you should edit it, it's great the way it is, but it's about the length of an episode of most shows.

When you described what Peter & Georgia did  to try and escape Kyle, you only used their names once. Then, it was about two pages of "He did this. He went there" and the same with Georgia. In fact, by the time Georgia was about to jump from the balcony, I'd actually forgotten her name.

There's one thing that really annoys me in pretty much all stories. It's like, there's these people in a car, looking for somewhere to say. Then HOW CONVINIENT is it that a sign pops up for an inn.

I was surprised at how much gore there was, even though 2 people died. In some films it take that amount of gore to kill 4 or 5.

Sorry, that's all I found wrong with this script. Well done overall.


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WhenAStrangerCalls
Posted: July 31st, 2006, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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Ok. I noticed some things. But all of them are posted already, but I have one more thing to say: What IS a spanner? That really threw me off. I know it's already posted, but I had to say it. I just was wondering what you meant.  
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david_bussell
Posted: July 31st, 2006, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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Let me help his fellow out. I've no idea where NUNYA is, but I suspect it's drunkenese for Great Britain. A spanner (for all you American folk) is a wrench.
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-Ben-
Posted: August 1st, 2006, 1:38am Report to Moderator
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Stop reading this and look above!

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Thanks DOM< I'll read Student Body!


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