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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  What Seems To Be The Problem Officer? Moderators: bert
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  Author    What Seems To Be The Problem Officer?  (currently 1312 views)
Don
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 6:45am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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What Seems To Be The Problem Officer? by Matt Layden (theusualsuspect) - Short - A bright and sunny day, a police officer chases down a suspect. 4 pages - html, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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The boy who could fly
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 9:50am Report to Moderator
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okay, since 99% of the new shorts seem to be from the same person, I decided to read this one instead.

This is an ok story for a short, but it really doesn't build up to anything, I kinda figured out wgat was gonna happen at the end, and as I thought about it I wondered why Michael would run in the first place.  Did he do something that we don't know about?  I'm not sure, you don't really tell us.

The chase was fun and I laughed a few times, it was not boring, I just felt it was empty, maybe if Micheal commited a crime before it would make more sense, or maybe if he thought he commited a crime, like something stupid like littering.

anyways I hope this helps, this wasn't bad and has some good moments, and thank you for not posting 10 scripts at once


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Zombie Sean
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 11:13am Report to Moderator
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This was an odd short...I agree with Jordan, I want to find out why the cop was chasing him, until I read the end and I think I understood. But I laughed at one part where Michael sounds calm when he goes "What seems to be the problem, officer?" But why couldn't he get on his knees?

Sean


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TheUsualSuspect
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 4:10pm Report to Moderator
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The reader is not suppose to know what Michael did, if he did anything at all.


A Picture Is Worth

If you want me to read your script, send me a link.
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darthbrion
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
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I'm seriously troubled.....

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kinda odd short.

* SPOILERS *

* A lot of your action is in paragraph form, maybe try and break it up a little.
* You contradicted yourself on the first page with the officer yelling "Stop That Man!" which by the way only happens in Hollywood, and then a moment later the officer is yelling at people to "stay down!"
* The most obvious question is....How retarded is this officer & how much money can Michael sue the city for? lol

Weird story but not horrible
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michel
Posted: July 24th, 2006, 1:21am Report to Moderator
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Hi Matt,

is that cop Robocop's nephew?

the script is a bit confusing for the lack of sequences except for the first one (i.e.: grocery, roof, etc...)
how come the cop couldn't see Michael's face before he arrests him?
why does Michael runs?
Let make him some bad action before to give him a good reason to run.
why can't Michael kneel?

Otherwise, it's a weird and amusing concept but you need, IMHO, to dig it.


Michel


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jackx
Posted: May 26th, 2009, 8:49am Report to Moderator
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Hey
i decided to read this because i work in law enforcement and literally a couple of hours ago chased down a vehicle that had decided to run for no reason.  not quite the same thing but it got my interest.

anyways i'll assume this isn't anything serious enough to point out how messed up the cops actions are, (its kinda frowned upon to pull a weapon without percieving a threat first, and he never radios whats going on)

In terms of a story it was pretty funny, I did like the ending, though i think tightening it up would make it funnier.  I think to make the chase funnier we would need a better sense of the characters thoughts, instead of leaving them kind of personalityless.

anyways I enjoyed it, was a good end to a long day.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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jayrex
Posted: May 26th, 2009, 8:55am Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Hello Jackx,

The Mods will encourage you to read scripts from writers that currently participate on the boards.

JT.


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