"Hit me with whatever you want. Good or bad just as long as its not immaturish. I have been reading some people's responses and it seems to become quite personal instead of an actual script critique."
Ha ha, that doesn't happen here dude, everyone on this site is very mature.
All right Christopher, let's get on with this (I'm reading as I write).
First of all, I admire how straight-forward you were when describing the plot synopsis. It's your basic popcorn slasher. I don't like it when other writers feel the need to make their story sound better than it really is. That's a plus in my book. Now, on to the actual screenplay:
You start off with this:
FADE IN: LAKE SIDE- NIGHT
But it should be like this:
EXT. LAKE SIDE - NIGHT
A minor mistake. No biggie.
All right, you described your setting (the Lake side) pretty well, but it needs to be split into smaller paragraphs. 2-4 lines each paragraph is the standard I believe.
Your dialogue is completely cliché, but that's expected from an 80s-oriented slasher.
I can see the characters are Horror acolytes. But you still need to describe each and every single one of them when they are introduced. ALL of your seven teens must be described individually. We know they're in their late teens, but what do they look like? Do they seem geeky? Smart? Hot? Ugly? What are they wearing Y'know, all that stuff (try to avoid mass introductions though, like maybe describe your character when he/she first speaks or when he is first involved in an action).
"Sarah is taking long sips from a wine cooler. She is
sitting on Mike's lap and he has his hands around her
When first introducing, not only do you need to give a brief description of the character, but also CAPITALZE his/her name when he/she first appears. Like this (example):
"SARAH, a beautiful brunette in flared pants and a white tanktop, sits on MIKE's leg. He is a clean-shaven, built guy wearing a football Jersey."
Not exactly like that of course but you see what I mean. I think that's about it with the mistakes.
Your characters were all one-dimensional. Non-interesting, you know? But a bunch of non-interesting characters equal a bunch of fresh corpses in flicks like this! So we'll see how it turns out...
Now that I've read further your characters are not only one-dimensional, they also don't speak like they're in their late teens, they all sound more like fifteen year-olds than anything else.
Hmm....I like the fact that the first kill happened right in front of the kids' eyes. Nice.
Incineration, axings...all happening with all the teens there. Sweet deaths 'bro. I'm glad you avioded the whole let's-split-up-so-the-psycho-can-kill-us-faster thing.
Fuck you too then!"
LOL! She blew her off! WTF? HAHAHA that was great.
Robbie tries to fight the killer but is slashed across the chest. Don't write "aaaargh!" in your dialogue. Just descibe that he screams in a description paragraph.
This is a mistake:
"CUT TO: VAN INT"
It should be:
And you may as well get rid of the "CUT TO"s. They're not neccessary.
......So....they all get killed then? Man, the killer didn't even get any sport.
Not much to say.....
You could try extending this a bit, and improving it. I think the fact that we never find out who the killer is is cool, but the screenplay definitely needs a re-write.