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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Everytime It Rains Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 6:47am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Everytime It Rains by Daniel Robinson - Short, Horror - Dan and his brother blake and sister Cassy live a rough life. They are to weak and small to fight back. But Dan gets older and sets things straight once and for all.  8 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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FilmMaker06
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 9:08am Report to Moderator
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This was a nice little read.

***SPOILERS***

The dialogue was, to be honest, kind of bad. That defiantly needs some work.

Also, the descriptions need work. Like...On page 1 what was the point of telling us he's hungry when, right after that, you show him going to get food? That's where "show not tell" comes into play.

Quite a few spelling mistakes. Sometimes you would repeat things in dialogue that you had just said. Small things like that.

And why did you introduce Blake and the other children like this: (BLAKE) and you introduced Dan like DAN. You don't need to box in the names like that. How you did Dan was just fine.

There were parts that were fairly unrealistic. Like, when Joe shoots the shotgun at Ted...shotguns don't use bullets. They have thousands of little metal balls inside of them that spread out as soon as they leave the gun, meaning it would have hit him.

Other than that, it was a fairly good read. I might check some more of your work out later today.

-Chris
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michel
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 9:52am Report to Moderator
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Hi Dan,

like chris I like your story and I won't repeat his comments.

Is it some kind of autobiographic story?

****************SPOILERS********************

Anyway, there are too much typos and problems

when you say that Rose is on the phone with his brother, how do we know?

the same problem occurs when ADULT DAN is speaking VO. How do we know on the screen that it is Dan's speaking? You should have start with that VO. This way we knew that Dan was telling his story.

Idem for the scene "MANY YEARS AGO". What show us that man is Dan as an adult?

Keep faith anyway

Michel


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FilmMaker06
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 9:55am Report to Moderator
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Also, another thing you might want to do is get rid of the adult Dan talking all together. It sort of takes away any surprise. Because if we hear him as an adult, we really have nothing to worry about...because we know he made it through.

Just a thought.

-Chris
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Daniel_Robinson
Posted: July 22nd, 2006, 9:00pm Report to Moderator
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The story comes from your mind. So have fun!

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Chris,

Unrealistic? This was my life man. And as far as Joe shooting of the shotgun... There are such bullets that are called Pumkin shot which is one odd shaped piece of lead not BB's.  I did my reseach.  But thanks for the comments.

Thanks Mike, yeah this is a story of my life and they say it's unrealistic.lol

Talk to you all soon,
Dan


Gotta keep writing!

Writer of:  

"The Video Game" Post Production

"House of Curse",

"The Secrect Door",  Production

"Twisted",  Post Production

"The Shadows",

"Octagon"  Post Production

"Die Cut",

"Judgement Area 51",

"Colon and His Clone"  !Produced!

and more, run my name in search.

e-mail me:
stupifided2002@yahoo.com

Cool site I make games for:
http://www.rottenzombie.com/boards/index.php
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FilmMaker06
Posted: July 22nd, 2006, 11:30pm Report to Moderator
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Ummm, no...I didn't say the story didn't seem real. I was meaning that some scenes didn't seem realistic as far as facts go. I didn't know there was a thing called pumpkin shot...? Anyway, I just made a freaking comment. Take it or leave it.

-Chris
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Daniel_Robinson
Posted: July 22nd, 2006, 11:41pm Report to Moderator
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The story comes from your mind. So have fun!

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Hello Chris,

Sorry if I seemed snotty I didn't mean to.

Thanks for the comments.  Do you have any good shorts for reading?

Dan


Gotta keep writing!

Writer of:  

"The Video Game" Post Production

"House of Curse",

"The Secrect Door",  Production

"Twisted",  Post Production

"The Shadows",

"Octagon"  Post Production

"Die Cut",

"Judgement Area 51",

"Colon and His Clone"  !Produced!

and more, run my name in search.

e-mail me:
stupifided2002@yahoo.com

Cool site I make games for:
http://www.rottenzombie.com/boards/index.php
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