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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Babes in Toyland Moderators: bert
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  Author    Babes in Toyland  (currently 1615 views)
Don
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 6:48am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Babes in Toyland by Michel J. Duthin - Short - Like every Saturday, a man visits his favorite sex shop. But today is the one-day special sales. 8 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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tomson
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 11:11am Report to Moderator
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Michel,

I decided to read this one because, well frankly I thought it was going to be something raunchy. It wasn't, but that's okay, the story was pretty good anyway.

This story was much better written than "Oh what a night". That was not a bad story either, but this one was so much easier to comprehend. Yeah sure, there were a few typos and such, but not enough to confuse the story.

SPOILERS:

Right from the start I hated Tony,  what a jerk.

TONY
Precisely. You perfectly know
that Saturday means tennis to me.
Fix my breakfast.

Seems a little weird to me that Tony would be so deceptive about going to a store and look at dirty pictures, unless the whole tennis outfit is for a game later on.

At the auction I had a feeling it'd be the least attractive person there that would win the bid.

To be honest with you, when I read this I thought of Helio. If it had said Helio was the author I would have believed it. Same type of story he could've written, with the same kind of quirk to it.  

All in all it was a nice little short.
Don't know if you wrote this one after "Oh what a night", but as far as the writing goes this one showed vast improvements, I think.

Revision History (1 edits)
tomson  -  July 21st, 2006, 11:22am
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darthbrion
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 6:18pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


I'm seriously troubled.....

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lol cool story

* SPOILERS *

* I think you missed a golden opportunity with the Fat Woman not winning.  Just the thought of him rolling over in bed and finding that beside him would be priceless.
* I kinda wished Tony had been a little more likeable he seems like a dick to be honest.
* Another idea that could have been explored would be Tony getting upset that the "bids" were so low to begin with.  
* A few typos but then again who am I to talk?

Overall a fun read!  ;)
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michel
Posted: July 24th, 2006, 7:07am Report to Moderator
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Hi Pia and darthbrion

Thanks for your review.


Quoted from tomson

To be honest with you, when I read this I thought of Helio. If it had said Helio was the author I would have believed it. Same type of story he could've written, with the same kind of quirk to it.  


Whoaw, be mistaken with Helio is a great honor, knowing the reputation he has on the site.


Quoted from tomson
Don't know if you wrote this one after "Oh what a night", but as far as the writing goes this one showed vast improvements, I think.)


I did write it AFTER "Oh what a night" and I tried to apply everything everyone told me. Guess it worked.



Quoted from darthbrion
lol
* Another idea that could have been explored would be Tony getting upset that the "bids" were so low to begin with.  


That's one thing I didn't think about. Brilliant idea. Thanks to all. It's motivating


Michel


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david_bussell
Posted: July 25th, 2006, 10:43am Report to Moderator
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Hi Michel,

I'll be honest and say I wasn't won over by your script. A few problems I had were:

What purpose, narratively speaking, did his wife serve? If she's not doing anything, get rid of her, or at least leave out the uneccesary dialogue between her and your protaganist.

Like Pia said, having him wake up next to the fat lady would have made for a more interesting ending, if a little predictable. Which makes me wonder, what is it you're trying to say here? Is he being punished for his obsession with porn? Is this a feminist tract? That would make a certain amount of sense, seing as he's auctioned off like a piece of meat in the end. If that's the case though, you don't deliver on your promise, as aside from a brand he's in exactly the same position as he was at the beginning of the story. He's still a dick and he's still being a dick to his wife. What if we saw his attitude toward her change as a result of the dream? You wouldn't even need the sci-fi element of having his dream leak into real life that way.

Keep plugging at it - your script revolved around a novel element, which is more than many. The moment he walked through the curtain and landed on a stage I was with you. That's your hook and it's a good one. Just build on the idea some more for the next draft.

David

PS. A lot of your spelling and grammar is out of whack too, but that's easily fixed.  
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michel
Posted: July 26th, 2006, 1:50am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from david_bussell
Hi Michel,
A lot of your spelling and grammar is out of whack too, but that's easily fixed.  


Believe me when I say that before posting my scripts I read and re-read about six or seven times. Plus I correct them with Final Draft AND Word. I don't understand how they could subsist afterall.

Michel


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david_bussell
Posted: July 26th, 2006, 5:03am Report to Moderator
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The mistakes you've made are the kind Word won't filter out. Often you've just chosen the wrong word or constructed an awkward sentence.

For instance your kitchen scene:

"Visibly badly awake, Carrie pours coffee..."

First of all, the word visibly is redundant. Second of all, "badly awake" doesn't make sense. What you mean is that she's "barely awake".

Sometimes it's a word that, while correct by definition, isn't described visually and therefore doesn't belong in a script:

Such as when Tony "Exults" in the sex shop. We know that means to rejoice, but how is he rejoicing? Is he clapping his hands in glee? Does he do a little jig? Is he rubbing his palms together?

The most common errors are in the dialogue though, for instance, Carrie's first line:

"It's only seven and we're Saturday".

"We're Saturday" isn't right. Tony and Cassie aren't Saturday. "It's Saturday" as in, "the day is Saturday".

There are plenty more like this, but I'm not going to nit pick your whole script. Like I say, anyone with a little more fluency in the written language will be able to clean this up no problem. Do get that done by all means (and be more brutal over your word choices, you have plenty of  widows) but concentrate on the narrative first and foremost.

David
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michel
Posted: July 26th, 2006, 5:09am Report to Moderator
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Thank you for the advices David. I'll keep them on mind next time

I appreciate

Michel


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