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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Evil Within Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 6:48am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Evil Within by Daniel Robinson - Short, Horror - When Ben tries to kill Tod, He get's something  never bargained for. 4 pages - pdf, format


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CindyLKeller
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 9:24am Report to Moderator
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Daniel,
I'm completely confused.



SPOILERS

First off with scene headings... You're headings read like: INT - CEMETERY - NIGHT, and INT - HOUSE - NIGHT
Should be EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT, and INT. HOUSE - NIGHT

You don't need to use CUT TO: before your next heading. When you put up a new heading, we know it is a different place.

This description confused me: Fog covers the yard as the winds sends it self (one word by the way... itself) up against the trees with a light blow.

One looks "light" ... I think you mean "like"

You shouldn't go as far with description as to say he has a big nose and deep eyes unless it is essential to the story.

"out side" one word "outside"

On the wall we see a shadow just sitting there, in less than a few seconds it darts off.
Here you are telling, not showing.
Maybe something like: A shadow appears on the wall. It sits there a few seconds, then darts off.  

I thought one of the guys was being hung with the rope, then he shows up in another scene. ???

The gargoyle was pretty cool when it came out of the box, but...
The sound of slime is heard???
Do you really hear slime?
I guess you do if it drips from the gargoyle, to the ground. You might want to change that.

As for the story itself, well, I'm really confused with it. Sorry... It needs more.

Cindy




Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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darthbrion
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


I'm seriously troubled.....

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Okay that was pretty rough.  It's odd, it seems like you write a bunch of stuff all at once and just put it out there at the same time.  Less is more as the saying goes.  Anyway, I was lost all through this thing.   :'(

It says to be continued at the bottom so maybe you should have written it all out and THEN posted it.

I dunno man, it was just bad.  Sorry.  ??)  
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George Willson
Posted: July 22nd, 2006, 6:32pm Report to Moderator
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Well, I was looking through the recently posted scripts and found a whopping six by Daniel Robinson, so I thought I'd see if there's been some improvement in the writing since the last couple I'd read.

It is generally accepted that the more you do something, the better you get at it, but I think you really need to proofread and revise your scripts before you post them. I was rather dismayed right from the beginning when I saw you actually misspelled your title. I can't help but agree with the earlier reviewer who asks what an "In" is, since that's the way you wrote out your title. Part of the learning process here is completing the writing process to learn. You find your weaknesses and work on improving them in subsequent drafts so the next script you write will automatically be better because you're not making the same mistakes over and over again. I glanced at another of the 6 you just posted and it shares the same confusing and non-sensical plot problems and lack of characterization this one suffers from. You need to work out these details in your planning process or first few drafts if you write from the hip.

You have some clever ideas. I can see this behind the mess of the script as I had in other scripts you've written. Some of the basic plots aren't bad, but you're doing yourself an injustice by not taking the time to write them out coherently.

It looks like there is an effort to weed out the "we sees" in your writing, but some still creep through. I think a proofread could have easily weeded these out. I mean, we're talking about 4 pages here. You describe a noise and then go into how it isn't an ordinary noise, etc. Just talk about the noise when it happens. No dramatic book-writing.

You also have a camera direction sneak in where you Zoom to the box. How about a description of that box? Is it a crate? Corrugated cardboard? The size of a dryer? The size of a computer package? A coffin? I digress...sort of.

Why would he have a can sitting on his window sill? Especially an empty can. This is a bedroom, right? Most bedrooms do not have empty cans sitting on window sills ready to throw. And exactly how long is "less than a few seconds" anyway?

And the questions continue. Why does Ben visit Tod? How do they know each other? Why is Tod so nervous? Why does Ben want to kill Tod? How does Tod survive this? What is the significance of the tombstone? Why did they take Ben there? What is the significance of how he was strung up? Who is Damion? What's the point of the shadow at the beginning? Why does Ben react how he does to the cats?

This is a very incomplete story. Even as a teaser for something bigger it doesn't work since we don't know the characters and we don't know why they're doing what they're doing or acting how they're acting. You may think some of my questions are silly, but for this to be a good scripts, every once of those should be answered.

And that doesn't even address the dialogue which is just too direct and wooden. Seriously, people don't talk this way.

You should limit yourself to one script at a time and revise and rewrite until they at least make sense. Otherwise, you might have a lot of scripts posted here, but none of them will be worth reading. This one really isn't and I have doubts on some of your others. Granted you can do what you wish with any feedback received, and whether you take it or not will be reflected in your future scripts.

If they continue to be as this one is, you may wish to consider why you are posting your scripts. Most post for feedback, but if you don't accept it, that wouldn't be it. Some want to be noticed, and sure, bad press and all that, but is that how you want to be known? Something to consider. Good luck.


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Daniel_Robinson
Posted: July 22nd, 2006, 8:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hello All,

First Pepi, For someone to call a story stupid is okay with me, I'm the one who has five to six films produced how about you?  As for the grammar and spelling mistakes I agree but to call a story stupid get a life. I know what my stories are about, and my producers and directors think their good. That's all that matters.

I thank you all for your comments and hey that's how this forum works. Someone comes in and reads your work and then they talk about how you could improve. I have gotten a lot better at writing scripts since I've been on here.

But some people need to understand "Pepi" for instance that I can go and read his stuff and do the same thing.  So be honest and comment on improvement not turn around and say the story is stupid.

Thanks again,
Dan


Gotta keep writing!

Writer of:  

"The Video Game" Post Production

"House of Curse",

"The Secrect Door",  Production

"Twisted",  Post Production

"The Shadows",

"Octagon"  Post Production

"Die Cut",

"Judgement Area 51",

"Colon and His Clone"  !Produced!

and more, run my name in search.

e-mail me:
stupifided2002@yahoo.com

Cool site I make games for:
http://www.rottenzombie.com/boards/index.php
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Shelton
Posted: July 22nd, 2006, 9:17pm Report to Moderator
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There looks to be enough references to the script in the post to hint that he read it, even if he doesn't exactly speak English and doesn't appear to be the most tactful of reviewers, which is why I decided to not delete it.

You've got ideas, I'll give you that, but I'm not sure what it is that you're trying to accomplish exactly.  Are you trying to impress us with how many scripts you can write in a week?  Seriously, I don't see the point in turning out script after script of work that looks like the only time you spent looking at it was when you were actually writing it.

I commented on this in your other script thread, and now I'm doing it here to try to get this point across.  Hell, i may hit one of your other threads later on.

If you're looking to evr advance into the professional realm of screenwriting, this stuff is NOT going to fly.  Whatever small prodcos are developing your stuff now may be able to overlook it, but once you start to run with the big dogs you gotta kick it up a notch.  A professional reader sees your titled mispelled?  TRASHCAN.  Doesn't matter how good the story is.

Sorry to be so blunt, but that's just the way it is.


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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin

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Shelton  -  July 22nd, 2006, 9:30pm
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Shelton
Posted: July 22nd, 2006, 10:12pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Daniel_Robinson
Mike,

What is your problem?  You already said that above. Why try and bump up my script when there are other writers out there.  Have I went into your scripts and said they were stupid or harshly commented on it?  


Where did I say that this script is stupid?  Where did I say that any of your scripts are stupid?  Tell me that.  And it isn't exactly bumping it up when it's at the top of the portal.


Quoted from Daniel_Robinson

No I haven't either people like the story/format or they don't either way I don't care. If a post is left on mine then I'll leave post on theirs. If they are honest I'll be honest. if they are rude and just want to vent the same will apply.


Ok, not sure what you're talking about there.  I didn't come into your thread to vent.  I posted valid points on problems with your formatting in an attempt to get you to better yourself as a writer if that is what you want to do.  Since you really don't care what people's feedback consists of, which seems to be the case based on what you've said, then I am just wasting my time.  If you're pissed about someone else's post, address at them.


Quoted from Daniel_Robinson

You don't have to go and post on my other threads just to "Get a point acrossed"  I think that's against the rules insn't it?


How is it against the rules?  I posted the problems I found in this script and the other scripts I've posted on.  Leaving feedback is not against the rules.


Quoted from Daniel_Robinson

And why hide the fact that you wrote in my thread and then delete it? Are you trying to hide something?  It's bad enough that my post went from a hundred and something down to seventy something. How is that shit fair?


Huh?  What are you talking about?  I haven't deleted anything.

Listen, if you're going to get all bent out of shape over me pointing things out to you that can help you become a better writer and in turn write better scripts, then I won't bother posting them anymore.  It's that simple.  I can invest my time into other writers who will appreciate my feedback, or better yet, concentrate on my own work.

Later



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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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George Willson
Posted: July 22nd, 2006, 10:17pm Report to Moderator
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Daniel, I believe these are the only rules that you could bring into question:

2. Be Civil

3. Do not be disrespectful of other members, do not put down other members of the board, do not attack or encourage other to attack a member of the board.

11. When reviewing a script, you should back up negative comments by citing evidence from that script about which the comment is being made.  And never make a negative comment about a person.


Mike is posting a comment regarding your scripts, of which this thread is about one. His comments are general, but do fit the topic. He is not attacking you personally, but what you have written.

The other post, while blunt as well, indicates the point the poster had a problem with and having read the script as well (as evidenced by my own comments), I actually agree with his points. His comment about the story being stupid is his opinion and still does not personally attack you.


Quoted from Daniel_Robinson
If a post is left on mine then I'll leave post on theirs. If they are honest I'll be honest. if they are rude and just want to vent the same will apply.


Normally, I don't request a read in return when I review a script. I have a lot of stuff posted and I figure if someone wants to, they'll find something using either my sig or just search for me on the site. I've actually commented on your work before, so I guess you're behind.

You can post what you want anywhere you want, but note the 13th rule: backup negative criticism with examples. If you have constructive criticism, post it. If you want to vent, do it elsewhere.


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Daniel_Robinson
Posted: July 22nd, 2006, 10:25pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike,

I thank you for your honesty. I really do. I just thought that you meant you were going into my other scripts to "Get your Point acrossed".  See above.

Sorry if there were any misunderstandings.

Dan


Gotta keep writing!

Writer of:  

"The Video Game" Post Production

"House of Curse",

"The Secrect Door",  Production

"Twisted",  Post Production

"The Shadows",

"Octagon"  Post Production

"Die Cut",

"Judgement Area 51",

"Colon and His Clone"  !Produced!

and more, run my name in search.

e-mail me:
stupifided2002@yahoo.com

Cool site I make games for:
http://www.rottenzombie.com/boards/index.php
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Helio
Posted: July 23rd, 2006, 7:32am Report to Moderator
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"Well, I was looking through the recently posted scripts and found a whopping six by Daniel Robinson, so I thought I'd see if there's been some improvement in the writing since the last couple I'd read."

Hi Daniel, I'm with George said above.

Im sorry but I became very confuse here. Okay, I know it was to be continue, but it is to dificult seeing the the story ahead. Maybe when you finish all this, huh?
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Daniel_Robinson
Posted: July 23rd, 2006, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
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The story comes from your mind. So have fun!

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Hey all,

I am in the process of re-reading and I think I need to add some more to these scripts. lol

No biggie, I have a new Zombie script called "Zombie" coming soon, (Don't worry all errors are fixed.

dan


Gotta keep writing!

Writer of:  

"The Video Game" Post Production

"House of Curse",

"The Secrect Door",  Production

"Twisted",  Post Production

"The Shadows",

"Octagon"  Post Production

"Die Cut",

"Judgement Area 51",

"Colon and His Clone"  !Produced!

and more, run my name in search.

e-mail me:
stupifided2002@yahoo.com

Cool site I make games for:
http://www.rottenzombie.com/boards/index.php
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dogglebe
Posted: July 23rd, 2006, 9:33pm Report to Moderator
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I had a problem with this script, Dan.  There was no characterization and no suspense.  I got the impression that you just cranked it out.  Someone else pointed out that you had six scripts posted this week alone.  No one gets credit here for quantity.  Take your time and do it right.


Phil
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michel
Posted: July 24th, 2006, 7:48am Report to Moderator
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Hi daniel

One thing annoys me about your script: DAMION BORN 1200 BC...

I don't think that 3000 years ago the gravestones had these kinds of inscriptions

Michel


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dogglebe
Posted: July 24th, 2006, 11:39am Report to Moderator
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That's actually a good point, Michel and I'm upset that I didn't catch it.

No tombstone will have BC on it.  At this time, they used some Roman calendar yaer, or something.

A great reason not to rush your scripts.


Phil
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George Willson
Posted: July 24th, 2006, 11:55am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from michel
One thing annoys me about your script: DAMION BORN 1200 BC...

I don't think that 3000 years ago the gravestones had these kinds of inscriptions


I can't believe I missed this when I read it. For a tombstone to read "Born 1200 BC" is actually impossible. The year numbering system that defines BC (Before Christ) and AD (Anno Domini) did not come about until around the 16th century and wasn't widely accepted until later. Prior to that, years were set from wherever the culture felt like setting them.

In NO culture, would it be possible to date ANYTHING 1200 BC. Archaeologists would take one look and say "fraud." If Damion is suppoesed to be what I think it is, then you would date it according to the jewish calendar year, which would be 2561 (give or take a few years). But even placing such a date on a tombstone may still throw the matter in dispute because the earliest instance of modern tombstones came about in the 1600s when they were made of sandstone and easily carvable. I wasn't until the 1800s that they were made of marble and had any kind of staying power.

Prior to this, any kind of "tombstone" was either a large stone slab or the coffin itself, neither of which would last for 3000 years.

You can find this info too. I just pulled it from wikipedia and a google search for jewish calendar year.


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