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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Night of Hell Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 6:48am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Night of Hell by Daniel Robinson - Short, Horror - When demons come to town one man must try and stop them if he can… 6 pages - pdf, format


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Parker
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 11:15am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Yes

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Okee dokie.

Maybe SPOILERS!!

Hey Daniel,

I say it almost everytime I review your shorts but some of the descriptions need to... well, describe more. Some of the dialogue just doesn't fit in more than others. I wasn't sure if you were going for a bit of a comedy or horror. Saying that, the story was good and could've, again, been a lot better if it had been written differently. The synopsis you've got attached to this is misleading for me. You don't know there are demons until later on. I don't get why Randy needed to ask: "Is it human...?" When Paul had just said it was a body. I mean, Randy's emotions should've stopped him from asking questions like that. I man holding a shotgun with a body in his trunk coming inside your house... I'd be pretty crapping myself and so would most people, especially a family man.

I think if you wrote this with a slightly different approach, like with no one knowing that the BODY is actually a demon until morning when the kids come and tell them that "There's something in the garden..." that'd freak me out,  just that line would.

I think this short could be cool. Just re-think some things. I like the ending, very good, keep the ending for definite.

Hope I helped in any way. Good luck, well done, and keep writing.

GBM


I may be an idiot, but I'm no idiot.
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Daniel_Robinson
Posted: July 22nd, 2006, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
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The story comes from your mind. So have fun!

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Thanks,

I will do a re-write soon,

Dan


Gotta keep writing!

Writer of:  

"The Video Game" Post Production

"House of Curse",

"The Secrect Door",  Production

"Twisted",  Post Production

"The Shadows",

"Octagon"  Post Production

"Die Cut",

"Judgement Area 51",

"Colon and His Clone"  !Produced!

and more, run my name in search.

e-mail me:
stupifided2002@yahoo.com

Cool site I make games for:
http://www.rottenzombie.com/boards/index.php
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