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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Movie Days Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 21st, 2006, 6:50am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Movie Days: Pilot by Shawn D. Kelley (shawnkjr) - Series, Comedy - After one of them is electricuted, three friends experience strange happenings and learn that there is more to the televison than they suspected. 34 pages - pdf, format

Movie Days - Episode 2: "Like Glue" by Shawn D. Kelley (shawnkjr) - Series, Comedy - Brian, Leah, and Gary are invited to a party. When Brian pursues a girl at the party, things make a turn for the worst leading to the falling out of Brian and Gary. They later find themselves in awkward situation as they are fused at the sides. 51 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  August 11th, 2006, 9:28pm
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Zombie Sean
Posted: July 22nd, 2006, 11:12am Report to Moderator
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Hey Shawn I just read this and I thought it was an interesting concept that you have here.

--SPOILERS BELOW--


When I first read the summary, I thought that Brian was actually going to die when he was electrocuted, but I found out he only fell unconcious.

But I like the way you took this story to where, after this bizarre accident he was in, he is able to go into different TV programs or movies. This one was suspenseful because of the whole "killer" death chase and I for sure thought he was going to die when the killer had the fire poker above his face.

Though why is Brian the only one who can go through and is he able to go in and out whenever he feels like it?

The dialogue, I think, is good and is usually how you'd hear teenagers talk, and your descriptions are better. But there is only one line that comes out of nowhere that made me laugh, yet confused:

TINA
Your clothes are funny looking and
you smell like pennies.

She says that when they're about to get killed by a maniac? And at the end, Brian almost got killed, but is sent back to reality and after a few lines of "Oh my God I'm glad you're alive!", they go back to sending jokes to one another. That kind of bothered me because if I were in one of their places, I would be scare s***less. Hehe.

This seems like an interesting series and I would like to read more episodes.

Sean "the sadist"


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Shawnkjr
Posted: July 22nd, 2006, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, thedeadwalk2nite (Your real name's Shawn too, right?)


Quoted Text
Though why is Brian the only one who can go through and is he able to go in and out whenever he feels like it?


You'll find all that out in the next episodes.
I'm glad you liked the dialogue because at first people were saying that though it was funny...it was unrealistic and random, so I worked on trying to make it sound real.


Quoted Text
But there is only one line that comes out of nowhere that made me laugh, yet confused:

TINA
Your clothes are funny looking and
you smell like pennies.


Oh yeah. She says this because the movie takes place in the early eighties and he's from now so he'd looks a little weird to her.


Quoted Text
And at the end, Brian almost got killed, but is sent back to reality and after a few lines of "Oh my God I'm glad you're alive!", they go back to sending jokes to one another. That kind of bothered me because if I were in one of their places, I would be scare s***less. Hehe


The revised draft should be up soon. I sent this version accidentally. I added dialogue (like Gary suggesting that they were high on drugs and forgot about it) and actions (Leah screaming at the top of her lungs) to make them freak out a little more. I still think I need to work on that.

I'm glad you liked most of it.

Also...Higgonator, Greg, and TCM_Leatherface, Thanks a lot for your reviews of this last year...they really helped.

-SHAWN


Scarefest 2 presents: Home Malone - Short/Horror http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1220187087/
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Obstacle_One
Posted: July 23rd, 2006, 3:25pm Report to Moderator
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Shawn Shawn, I feel special because I read this before anyone else on here   I like the Fat Bastard's toilet thingy, nice.... Gary is still a snail to me.

Lilke thedeadwalk2nite said, I like your dialogue, it's good, and believeable, cause some people do talk like that. What's the TV rating in your opinion? I would say TV-14 or TV-PG.

Is episode two still the same? Post your next script soon, I wanna read it


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Silent Night
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- Status: In Progess
- Genre: Horror (Teen Slasher)

First Dates
- Date: TBD
- Status: Hiatus
- Genre: Horror (Teen Slasher)

Backspace
- Date: TBD
- Status: Pre-Production
- Genre: Drama

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Shawnkjr
Posted: July 23rd, 2006, 9:26pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jesse,

Why'd you change your name again? This makes like the 3rd time you've done that(I think) Stick to one please!

You read it again? I changed some things from the draft that you read.

Yeah, I went through each line and added something or took something out. I also added some jokes (like the fat bastard thing). I think the rating would be from TV-PG to TV-14 like you said.

Will you get over that whole Gary is a snail thing! It's really old! Just as Fetch will never happen...Gary the snail will never happen. It's not funny anymore!

Thanks for posting but i think you should review other people's stuff too. I recommend Kill Ride. It's like that script you said you were going to write but never did. Why don't you ever come on the boards anymore? And what happened to the script you were working on? The last script I remember you finishing was Isle of the Dead (Is it still posted) which was like a year ago.

Movie Days ep.2 is different now too. I added some scenes and took some out and again tweaked the dialogue. Are you talking about 8 x 10 or Movie Days Episode 2? I'm gonna submit Episode 2 tomorrow and 8 x 10 should be done real soon.

Thanks

-SHAWN


Scarefest 2 presents: Home Malone - Short/Horror http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1220187087/
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Shawnkjr
Posted: August 12th, 2006, 6:47pm Report to Moderator
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Oh great...the second episode is up. Tell me what you guys Think. I changed some things from when it was up before. It's longer but I think it's better. I'm gonna try to cut some more things out to get it shorter. Takes a while to get to the main point but it correlates to what happens later, so.....

-SHAwn


Scarefest 2 presents: Home Malone - Short/Horror http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1220187087/
Spoiled - OWC Horror/Milk Exercise
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DOM
Posted: August 19th, 2006, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
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I was confused byh one of the lines in Episode 1.

LEAH: Horror movies are racist. You'd be killed first.

Is Gary black?
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Obstacle_One
Posted: August 19th, 2006, 5:13pm Report to Moderator
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I'm gonna break the down the pages that confuse me, made me laugh, or were just plaine great

Pg 1
- Gary, "I was thinking, what if you rented an X-rate movie..." That's classic!

Pg 5
- I like the dialogue between Leah and Brian, great.
- Leah, "Do you think Gary hides Basketballs in his Afro?" Lol

Pg 6
- That's like the house from Mr. Deeds

Pg 9
- Monica, "Who keeps mustard in the fridge?" That was unexpected and funny

Pg 11
- Leah + Beer = Comedy. This was funnier than Bianca's drunked scene in Stalker. I LOVE BURRITOS, DAMMIT! lmao!
- "Go, B*tch! Gooooo! Hoo-rah!" LMAO

Pg 12
- Ashton(I think Ja"y"son is a better name, lol), "When did you become a slut?" That's like a triple Low Blow, although it would't really hurt Ashley since she's a girl

Pg 16
- Isn't Ashley supposed to say "What! You're going to beat him up?" You put Ashton's name instead

Pg 20
- Loren, "I though sucking was your specialty." Stop giving Ashley too many low blows, poor girl.

Pg 23
- Too many fights/arguments, but what was up Gary's ass?

Pg 25/26
- Poor Brian, stop the torture!! Leave him alone!

Pg 29
- WOOOH! That's some scurry sh*t!

Pg 35/36
- I was laughing with Leah. It was classic.

Pg 38
- Woah, Twin-fest, weird :s

Pg 40
- Gary, "This is so gay." LMAO!

Pg 42
- Brian, "Blow up the house in a PMS rage?" LMAO

Pg 44
- You took my name, Riley , although mine is a girl.

Pg 46
- That snake-bit was messed up, poor girl

Final Thoughs: Well, I liked this episode although the ending sequence was kinda freaky and weird, besides that, it was great and funny, hurry up and post episode 3 :p

&; J e s s e


Scripts Releases
Silent Night
- Date: TBD
- Status: In Progess
- Genre: Horror (Teen Slasher)

First Dates
- Date: TBD
- Status: Hiatus
- Genre: Horror (Teen Slasher)

Backspace
- Date: TBD
- Status: Pre-Production
- Genre: Drama

OOOOH! This some scurry sh*t!
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Zombie Sean
Posted: August 19th, 2006, 5:29pm Report to Moderator
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Just read it, and I can't tell which one I liked more, the first or second episode. I enjoyed both, though.


This one, though, the dialogue was a little iffy at some points. But I liked the movie that they were sucked in better than the first. You tend to say everyone's names a lot though. Gary goes in here. Brian walks up the stairs. Brian walks into the room after walking up the stairs. It got kind of annoying after a while, and you can just use "he" "she" and "it", we'll figure it out.

All in all, I enjoyed this and I can't wait until Episode 3.

Sean


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Shawnkjr
Posted: August 19th, 2006, 8:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DOM
I was confused byh one of the lines in Episode 1.

LEAH: Horror movies are racist. You'd be killed first.

Is Gary black?


Yeah...he is. lol
BTW i'm still reading your series...Ishould have the review up soon

Thanks for all the reads.
I didn't notice I put their name's in the descriptions so much. I've been done with Ep. 3 for awhile and I'm getting ready to submit it. Thanks again


-Shawn


Scarefest 2 presents: Home Malone - Short/Horror http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1220187087/
Spoiled - OWC Horror/Milk Exercise
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DOM
Posted: October 3rd, 2006, 12:42pm Report to Moderator
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I read the pilot and now I'm gonna review it.

Sorry to say, but I didn't really like it. It was too unrealistic for a comedy series. It has more adventure than comedy, which I don't mind, but not when the script is supposed to be comedy. I really like the idea and the characters, but maybe this one could go back to the drawing board.
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Shawnkjr
Posted: October 9th, 2006, 11:55pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DOM
I read the pilot and now I'm gonna review it.

Sorry to say, but I didn't really like it. It was too unrealistic for a comedy series. It has more adventure than comedy, which I don't mind, but not when the script is supposed to be comedy. I really like the idea and the characters, but maybe this one could go back to the drawing board.


Thanks for the read. I really appreciate it. I'm glad you liked the chracters though you didn't like it overall.
Question: If it weren't categorized as a "Comedy" would you had liked it. I don't really think it's comedy either...it's that the FIRST episode had a lot of comedy in it and people kept telling me it was funny so I put comedy. I also typed things in the "other" genre bar but they didn't show up.
Thanks again

-Shawn


Scarefest 2 presents: Home Malone - Short/Horror http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1220187087/
Spoiled - OWC Horror/Milk Exercise
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