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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Everyone is a Winner Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 24th, 2006, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Every one is a winner! by Michel J. Duthin - Short - When a man stops at a shooting gallery, everything could happen. 5 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Zombie Sean
Posted: July 24th, 2006, 10:39pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Michel,

Just read your script here and I thought that it had a nice little concept to it. I liked the ending and I thought it was funny when Brian was being chased by the three men. And I also liked it how you described the fat lady as "Buddha".

A few minor spelling errors here and there, but it's no big deal. And your descriptions are very nice and I was able to picture everything in my head.

Sean "the sadist"


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rpedro
Posted: September 1st, 2006, 9:24am Report to Moderator
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hi michel just read this draft!

good stuff!

and excellent ending!

I little cruel the girl asking her dad for a gift!

gave a good meaning to the whole story!

good stuff!


Scripts :
- Hot Road (short)
- The Mirror (short)
- Listen Up (short)
- Dawn (short)
- One Day (short)
- Steal (short)

Pedro Chaves
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darthbrion
Posted: September 1st, 2006, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
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a cool little story you have here!  

A typo here and there but nothing to major.

great (if sad) ending.

A fun quick read!

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James McClung
Posted: September 1st, 2006, 10:05pm Report to Moderator
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This was a good read. Nothing really to complain about. Very simple. Man plays game. Man loses game. Man steals toy. Man loses toy. A nice twist at the end as well. The only thing I don't understand is why Brian would leave his daughter alone. While you don't have to establish that she is his daughter, at least make her presence known at the beginning of the script. It's a minute detail though. Not a big deal at all.

Other than that, good job and way to prove that a good story can be written in less than 5 pages. They don't always go over well with me.


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michel
Posted: September 6th, 2006, 4:14am Report to Moderator
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Hey thanks you all for your comments. It made me feel good.


Quoted from James McClung
The only thing I don't understand is why Brian would leave his daughter alone. While you don't have to establish that she is his daughter, at least make her presence known at the beginning of the script.


I wanted people wonder about Brian's true motivations for stealing the toy.


Quoted from James McClung
Other than that, good job and way to prove that a good story can be written in less than 5 pages. They don't always go over well with me.


Thanks again. That's the kind of things I like to hear (lol)

Michdel


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