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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Five Minutes Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 24th, 2006, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Five Minutes by David Bussell - Short, Drama - {no summary} 1 page - doc, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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greg
Posted: July 24th, 2006, 8:43pm Report to Moderator
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The only thing I can attribute to this is that it's either a commercial against smoking or promoting smoking.  I really don't know.  1 page...that's gotta be a record low.

That's really all I have to say...or can say for that matter.


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George Willson
Posted: July 24th, 2006, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
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I figured, one page...I'll bite. It feels like a piece of something. Like you could play this as a teaser and then flashback to the beginning and explain how we got to this point.

It does demonstrate that you are a good writer, but it leaves me wanting more.


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dogglebe
Posted: July 24th, 2006, 10:13pm Report to Moderator
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I get the idea that this script is about how smokers are responsible for the end of the world.  I found it silly.


Phil
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Jonathan Terry
Posted: July 24th, 2006, 10:27pm Report to Moderator
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I think people are looking this wrong.  I think the writer is not implying that smoking killed everyone.  Its almost like the Rapture has taken place (for those that know what I'm refering to).  Everyone's dissappeared and then the lighting of a cigerette caused the end of the world?

Okay, maybe I DON'T know what the author was trying to say here.  Of course, its hard to decipher a script's meaning when it is only 1 page long and contains 2 lines of dialogue.


Newest Scripts

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michel
Posted: July 25th, 2006, 7:07am Report to Moderator
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Or is it the condemned man's last cigarette?

Michel


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david_bussell
Posted: July 25th, 2006, 9:02am Report to Moderator
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Hello all, thanks for your comments.

I understand the script is very curt (it was written that way to abide by the rules of a competition) but I'm surprised at the ways in which people have misinterpreted it.  

For the record, it isn' t pro or anti anything, and religion doesn't come into it.

Michel came closest with his comment.

Although it's not made explicit, at the beginning of the story the man has just finished watching the Five Minute warning (hence the title) on the TV. In his last moments he decides he wants a cigarette. That's about the strength of it. It's really that simple, or at least I thought so.

Perhaps I could make it clearer by having some pedestrians running amok, but I liked the piece as a two hander.

Regards,

David

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bert
Posted: July 25th, 2006, 9:38am Report to Moderator
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Ha.  Yeah, the best one-page script I've ever read.

But I wouldn't have enjoyed this nearly as much without your explanation -- both about its meaning and the fact that you were actually confined to a single page while writing it.

My favorite part is peeling off the smoker's patch.  That small detail -- that ties to the ruined cigarettes we first see in the trash bin -- makes the whole piece for me.

Who would have thought you could foreshadow in a single-page script?


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Parker
Posted: July 25th, 2006, 10:50am Report to Moderator
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Very, very good. That's all I can say really. Like Bert, I wouldn't have enjoyed as much without the explanation. I would be lying if I said I 'got' it but it was written nicely and for one page it really is great.

Nice one. Keep writing.


I may be an idiot, but I'm no idiot.
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James Fields
Posted: July 25th, 2006, 12:35pm Report to Moderator
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This script is a very short one indeed, but if you got the message. It can be very powerful. Good job, just make it longer next time you post something.


Coming Soon:

I finally found the title for my short.

Acronym- You've been warned...

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drink coffee
Posted: July 25th, 2006, 9:03pm Report to Moderator
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That was interesting. I'd also be lying if I said I understood it. I had trouble understanding your writing style for some reason, also. It's not bad, though. Intriguing.
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Heretic
Posted: July 25th, 2006, 9:32pm Report to Moderator
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I think this is a very worthy entry for what I assume is a one-minute film competition.  Good atmosphere, nice pacing.  Good work.


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david_bussell
Posted: July 26th, 2006, 5:14am Report to Moderator
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Thank you for your kind words.

Perhaps the difficulty people are having with my writing style is that I'm English. I put this up on another forum (mainly American) and one reader managed to confuse the Vagrant with a Vicar. It makes for a very different story I think, and maybe adds to the sense that the story is a religious parable of some kind. Certainly no-one I've had read it in this country has mentioned theology at any point, but there again maybe that's because we're such a godless bunch over here.

Regards,

David
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philipkd
Posted: July 31st, 2006, 12:52am Report to Moderator
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The meander is deep. The choice of imagery--the pram on the zebra crossing, a dog for the blind with a leash in the gutter, etc.--is all unique, unifying, yet doesn't cross the line into the farcical. And yes, the smoker's patch is a winner. I can see this.
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david_bussell
Posted: July 31st, 2006, 5:52am Report to Moderator
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Thank you, Philip, glad you liked it.
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