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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Top Floor Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 24th, 2006, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Top Floor by Michel J. Duthin - Short - A young woman decides to pay a visit to one of her neighbors on... the top floor. 10 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Parker
Posted: July 30th, 2006, 10:37am Report to Moderator
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Hey Michel, I think you're on your Holidays at the moment so I'll leave this comment/review until you get back I guess.

THERE MAY BE SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Format: Again, there are quite a few translation mistakes within the descriptions and dialogue. Even though they're there, they really don't bother me and I'm sure they won't bother anyone else when reading. They're noticable but I wouldn't think anyone would get confused by them and quit reading. Just thought I'd say that in case you worry about translation...

The rest of the formatting is good to me. Nothing I can see to point out anyway.

The Story: I loved the feel of the entire thing. It felt very stylish to me by the way the entire story unfolded and was presented. Very nice. The story was good... I could always tell, nearly from the moment we were introduced to Thomas, that he was actually dead. I just got that feeling immediately so the ending was no surprise to me at all. Saying that, I still like the story and it was entertaining as well as a little emotional. The building seemed to be quite sad making everyone inside seem sad as well.

One thing I'm not so sure about is Cat. Who is she? Why has she got that scar? Was she a part of the family all those years ago? I'm not sure what the significance of her scar is to be fully honest.

Overall: Still, a nice story that was executed, in my eyes, very well. The style and feel to it was brilliant and maybe there is more to the story than I think. I think you can slightly expand or explain more on Cat, her scar and her history a little.

Well done Michel, a nice short here. Hope you had a nice holiday too.

GBM


I may be an idiot, but I'm no idiot.

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Parker  -  July 30th, 2006, 12:39pm
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Heretic
Posted: July 30th, 2006, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
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I quite enjoyed this, actually.  A rather classic story with a rather classic twist.  Like GBM, I think the character of Cat could be expanded on a little more...to be honest, you tell your story so well that I think you could afford to take more time with it.  I wouldn't have minded this at all if it sat at more like fifteen pages.

Anyway, this was a very nice little short, although a bit too quick and neat for me.


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michel
Posted: August 21st, 2006, 4:56am Report to Moderator
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GMB and Heretic, thank you for your reviews. I still appreciate someone taking care of my work.


Quoted from Parker
One thing I'm not so sure about is Cat. Who is she? Why has she got that scar? Was she a part of the family all those years ago? I'm not sure what the significance of her scar is to be fully honest.


In fact, Cat's scar is the link between the little boy and her. If he appears to Cat, it's because of this burnt scar. It's true I could dig the story, but I wrote it with a low budget in mind and I wanted to keep it inside the building.

Michel


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Vaughn
Posted: September 22nd, 2006, 12:51pm Report to Moderator
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Hi, just read this based on the "signed" thread.



*spoilers*




I'm not liking this. It was ok for a while, but the second it becomes obvious the kid is dead I just start thinking "Sixth Sense", "The Ring", "Dark Water" and countless others. Some people get a big kick out of those stories, and that's fine for them, but for me, I hate it. It's been done, and it's been done better.

Formatting is fine, but there's quite a few grammatical errors which really started to annoy me after a while.

It's nicely written in places though, and I did enjoy parts.

Congratulations and all, but I have no idea why anyone would want to make it.



MZPtv - fiction never tasted so good! Join other aspiring writers in our
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Vaughn  -  September 22nd, 2006, 5:12pm
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Death Monkey
Posted: September 22nd, 2006, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Vaughn
Hi, just read this based on the "signed" thread.



*spoilers*




I'm not liking this. It was ok for a while, but the second it becomes obvious the kid is dead I just start thinking "Sixth Sense", "The Ring", "Dark Water" and countless others. They cheat me. They cheat the audience. Some people get a big kick out of those stories, and that's fine for them, but for me, I hate it. It's been done, and it's been done better.

Formatting is fine, but there's quite a few grammatical errors which really started to annoy me after a while.

It's nicely written in places though, and I did enjoy parts.

Congratulations and all, but I have no idea why anyone would want to make it.


How does The Ring and Dark Water 'cheat' the audience?



"The Flux capacitor. It's what makes time travel possible."

The Mute (short)
The Pool (short)
Tall Tales (short)
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Vaughn
Posted: September 22nd, 2006, 5:11pm Report to Moderator
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Ah bollocks, I didn't mean that at all. This is what happens when you write posts in a hurry while playing poker. Ignore the cheat bit.



MZPtv - fiction never tasted so good! Join other aspiring writers in our
community dedicated to scripted original web fiction.
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dogglebe
Posted: September 26th, 2006, 8:29am Report to Moderator
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I liked this story, Michele.  It's good to see people write horror without relying on blood/gore/violence.

SPOILER SPACE

You could stretch this story out a little more.  At only nine pages, you have a lot of room to work with and still keep it as a short.  Develop the relationship between Cat and Thomas (and identify him as 'Thomas' at the beginning.  don't refer to him as 'little boy').  Looking back, it's obvious that the boy appears to her because she, too, was burned.  Elaborate on that common thread a little.  Have him ask her what happened.  Have him finish with, "I was burned, too...."

I did have a problem with the end.  Cat learns that Thomas died in the burned apartment fifteen years ago and the apartment still hasn't been fixed?  It hasn't even been cleaned up.  I can't imagine any landlord letting an apartment stay like this for so long.

Good story!


Phil
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Alex J. Cooper
Posted: September 26th, 2006, 9:07am Report to Moderator
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I liked the connection you had between Cat and Tom, makes her dillusions seem more logical.


Shorts:
I Named Him Thor
Footloose, Cut Loose
Tainted Milk
Marshmallows
Confucius & The Quest For Nessie
Wondrous Presentation
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michel
Posted: September 26th, 2006, 9:54am Report to Moderator
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Hi everyone

Thanks for your reviews. Even some of you doesn't like it (without any explanation), I'm glad at least that story holds your interest.


Quoted from dogglebe
Have him ask her what happened.  Have him finish with, "I was burned, too...."


Thanks Phil for that idea. I wish I would have it before but... never mind.

Thank you again.

Michel


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dogglebe
Posted: September 26th, 2006, 10:17am Report to Moderator
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You can always do revisions and repost later.  I've done it a couple of times.


Phil
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Helio
Posted: September 26th, 2006, 10:42am Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Good work on here, Michel.

I have just one thing to say about the dialogue between Cat and Old Man, when she asked him about Thomas and he did't know in the first instance who was him. This sounded weak to me. I think he should remember that event, because it was very tragic and because he was Thomas' family neighbour. He had to remember that!

"I liked this story, Michele.  It's good to see people write horror without relying on blood/gore/violence."
Phil

BTW, say to Phil that you are Michel (a Macho!) not Michele! Haha!
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michel
Posted: October 2nd, 2006, 9:36am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Helio
I think he (the old man) should remember that event, because it was very tragic and because he was Thomas' family neighbour. He had to remember that!


You know Helio, he's a very old man and his memories are not that good.  

Well, in fact, I tried to find a way to have some suspense about his answer. I think he remembers the little boy but may not remember what was his name.

Anyway, thank you for the review. I appreciate.

Michel (the Macho)


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wildgrace
Posted: October 7th, 2006, 1:26pm Report to Moderator
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Nice short, interesting story.

clothe really threw me off, did you mean cloth?  I'd if you did I'd say want type of cloth, say a silk scarf.

For Cat to get the Little Boy a present I'd need a bit more of a set-up, for them to have a conversation and we can see she cares for him.  Buying the gift lacks credibility for me.  Maybe the boy told her earlier his birthday would be in a few days?

Page 7, I would cut
***
INT. CATíS APARTMENT - EVENING
WRITTEN: MONDAY
KEY NOISES
Door opens and Cat enters. She puts a rucksack on the floor
by the closet and steps back.
***
And go from the boy running up the stairs to Cat following him a few moments later.

Dialog between Cat and Old Man is rough.  It reads stilted and more like I am being fed information.  I'd rework it a bit to smooth it out.

Good ending, nice way to connect the scar to what happened to Thomas to her back story.  Good job.

Last thought, I'd have Cat have nightmares when she sleeps, so we get a feel that something haunts her.



Scripts
PumpkinCrow Revised Sept 29/06, horror/comedy, 92 pgs

Red Lipstick Revised October 12/06, drama, 7 pgs
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michel
Posted: October 9th, 2006, 3:02am Report to Moderator
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Hi Wildgrace,

Thank you for your feedback and your criticsms. In fact, I've tried to keep as simple as they could be and let the flow of the story by itself.


Quoted from wildgrace
Buying the gift lacks credibility for me.  Maybe the boy told her earlier his birthday would be in a few days?


Cat doesn't need any reason to buy the little boy a present. Or maybe an introduction gift. As you've emphasized, they're connected and the firetruck toy is the subconscient way for Cat to show it.

Anyway, thanks again and I hope you'd like reading some others of my shorts.

Michel




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