Satan Lies by C. Jarrell Echols (jarrell1203) - Thriller -  Detective Job Burgess, who has just lost his toddler son in a tragic accident, struggles to hold on to his sanity after he learns that he has been partnered with Satan himself. It's Devils Advocate meets Training Day. 112 pages - pdf, format

I liked this one. Don't compare your movies to other ones, cause it might turn people off. The dialogue could use some work, but the pacing was good, the characters were developed. I'd give it an 89 out of 100.

Alanah~

This story made me think of one of the Hannibal movies, the one with Edward Norton. I enjoyed the story, but I felt the flow of the story was a little rough. It lacked descriptions and appeared as going to quick. The descriptions you provided are to declartive; it informs the reader what they are seeing rather than allowing them to imagine what they are seeing. Infroming the reader what they are seeing diminishes the emotion and essence of the scene.  For example,

"A grandmother frantically rushes to round up her three grandchildren..."

Why not show the children doing some action such as staring at the twister, have the grandma coming out yelling at them to gather inside, and so on. Get the idea. (This is from the top of my head)  

Some of the dialgoue are to direct and long. Split them up by adding descriptions and try to not be so direct.

I also noticed:
JOB 1:1, 6, 7, 8 quotes: try to shorten this. I like six.

The first heading: I'm unsure that stormy can be used as part of a heading. Either day or night or evening, but stormy seems more of a description.

When introducing a character for the first time caps the name.

the backyard. think its unnecessary to repeat small country home.

delete extra space on pg. 5

more descriptions esepcially through the dialgoue pg. 23

split the big paragraph to the minimum of 4 lines. pg. 5

Before I used CUT TO's in my script Closed In but now I made a rule to avoid that at all costs until its a spec script or when there's a  proper time. I suggest you do the same. But to each his own.

NATAS? Hint. I was thinking of using this for one of my scripts.

don't know what happen to format but (laughs should be under the character's name) pg. 8

11pg. "Excuse, me children?" Need to fix that.

Pounds not pounps

Hannibal 2 with edward norton

uncap "A" within dialgoue pg. 29

I stopped reading till pg. 30.  A rewrite will help you fix these problems. I hope I assited you as best  as possible. I'm a novice in this field so I'm still learning. If I made a mistake, let me know.

Gabriel

thank you guys for your input. I appreciate and needed it. thanks again.
-jarrell