Salvation (was Trapped) by Steven D Troxell - Short, Horror - Shane awakens inside an isolated farmhouse. 4 pages - pdf, format

Steven, you have a great feel for describing the atmosphere around your main character. It was described well, but there were errors scattered throughout. Not a huge deal, but something to look into.

The only real problem with this was the ending, because there isn't one in this script. It just leaves us hanging there. Is this going to be a series? Why is the ending so abrupt?

Overall, there is a good story here. A good mystery, as well as zombie script.

-Yoda

same opinion as Yoda, good stuff, good atmosphere, just the abrupt ending,
where is the rest?

Good atmosphere. I think I've guessed the meaning of the story, but why does Sean want to get out of the room then?

Michel

You know, I didn’t want to like this one -- a "super short" with zombies tossed in at the end -- but as I went back looking for things to bust on I found that a story did emerge -- and I began to understand what had happened (I think).  So I began to like it a little more.

And you did this without any dialogue, which is kind of cool.

It’s not perfect.  I found the ax to be way too convenient, and I also didn’t like that it was found amongst the "useless shit".

Cursing in descriptions is alright if done for good effect, but here it feels extraneous and juvenile.  I would lose that part if this were mine.

I also might describe the zombies a bit more -- you neglect to do that -- but then, I guess we all know what zombies look like -- so whatever.

I’m still not crazy about this one, but I guess it’s not all that bad, either.

Your story has a start.  It’s not that much of a grabber, but at least it isn’t just a "been there, done that" slaughter fest either.
Since everything takes place in the isolated house, you can get away with

HALLWAY
BEDROOM
BATHROOM

to designate the various areas of the house.

Tighten your writing.  You write:

Laying among the debris is SHANE 25,he's dirty and blood stained. A blood  soaked bandage is wrapped around his neck.

Shane's eyes shoot open and he slowly sits up. Reaching up,he feels a bandage around his neck. He looks at his hand it's bloody.

What you’ve written is too wordy. (Also, it should be lying in debris. A person lies, an inanimate object lays).
The overwriting is killing the momentum of your story.  You write:

               Getting a feel for the axe, Shane tests the weight of it in
               his hands.

               INT. ISOLATED HOUSE-HALLWAY

               BAM! The head of the axe plunges through the door.

This series of action works nicely. From Shane testing the weight of the axe (by the way, drop the “getting the feel” part) to smashing the door.  Very snappy transition.

Check your spelling, especially on key words.  The zombie lunges, opposed to lounges. Haha.

And end your scene/story with a Hook. After Shane barricades himself from the horde of zombies outside, he might feel a sense of relief.  Until he hears footsteps in an upstairs room.  He’s not alone…  Then fade out.

We don’t know what or why this man is in this predicament, but it would be worth exploring.  Expand the story and good luck with your rewrites.

This wasn't a story, but just a scene.  I wouldn't even call it a short.  It was well told... for a scene.

I agree with Bert about the axe.  Why not just put a box of grenades in there, too?


Phil

Hey... This seemed in the vein of SAW. Although not identical. Good scene writing. I agree with the others. Leave us with a hook -- even if you are planning more scenes or expanding this into a feature length. Every scene ending should leave us wanting to read more. Curiousity catches the reader.

Spencer

Well if anyone still looks here I just did a rewrite on "Trapped" it's now called Salvation.Should be up in a few days.Thanks for all your feedback!

Steve, let me get this straight....  You post a script eight months ago and you finally post  a message?  And it's to tell everyone that you rewrote your script?  How about reviewing some other scripts here?


Phil

I read many scripts from here.I am in no place to "review" any script.I've only written one myself.Next time don't waste my time(or yours for that matter)with senseless jibberish.Thank you and take care :]

[Grumpy post deleted following PMs with the author]

Quoted from stroxell82 I read many scripts from here.I am in no place to "review" any script.I've only written one myself.Next time don't waste my time(or yours for that matter)with senseless jibberish.Thank you and take care :]

Waste your time?  Jibberish?

This site works by people reading each others scripts.  Quid pro quo, and all that.

I don't think that anyone here should waste their time by reading your script.  How about that?  Let's see how fast your script sinks to oblivion as everyone reads and reviews each other's scripts and ignores yours, you pompous stain.


Phil

Dude mellow out.Theres no reason to act like a tough guy over the cpu.I wasn't bein a d*ck.What I said made perfect sense.I've already had a private talk with Mr.Bert.I meant no offense. Mellow out your fine.Its just a forum I tink you'll live.I"ll read one of your scripts and return the favor since you did mine.Take care.

About my script "Trapped" I am going to shoot it myself with black and white super 8 film.When I write I try to keep in mind what I can and can't do. I kept out dialouge for this reason(easier to cast in my opinion).I wrote a new version called "Salvation"I don't think I like it.It has a little dialouge this time around.I'll post a link when it's up.

Dogglebe I couldn't read your scripts.I don't have office :[