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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Newton's Cradle (was Unholy Cry) Moderators: bert
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  Author    Newton's Cradle (was Unholy Cry)  (currently 30747 views)
Don
Posted: August 22nd, 2006, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Newton's Cradle (was Unholy Cry) by JD Davis - Action -  When a supernatural killer breaks into a military facility and top secret files are stolen. The government goes after the only man documented to have this ability, Troy Kneddic. Troy, now on the run, goes through a whirl wind of lies and deception. He must even question his own sanity if he is to over come this obstacle to find the truth. But the truth is just the beginning.  Registered with WGA #1137626 96 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (5 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  May 5th, 2009, 7:23pm
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JD_OK
Posted: August 22nd, 2006, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
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Newton's Cradle will make you a believer.

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Thank you to anyone who reads and gives their opions on weaknesses and strengths of my script.
Ill return the favor


Quoted from Rice Grenades

Honestly, this is a great piece of work. You obviously have lot's of experience with writing screenplays. To anyone who has not read this screenplay, read it. It is an example of what a screenplay should look like.

Thank you for a good read, JD!



Quoted from bert
It is a good script, and your work on this really shows.


Quoted from sniper

This is a nice sci-fi/action flick you’ve written her, a sort of Carrie meets X-Men meets X-Files meets second season of Millennium.



Quoted from Kamran Nikhad

  This is probably the best script I have EVER read,  AWESOME bud, you have to be the best screen writer I've seen in a VERY long time.  Awesome, not once was I bored when reading this, I was actually not wanting to leave my computer, *work and friends say otherwise however, lol.*  Keep it up.  


Quoted from greg

So overall it was an interesting read.  The concept is good.  The promise is good.  The pacing and the characters are my major beef.  That being said, it looks like you've got alot going for this script, so I wish you the best of luck, mate!  Go get 'em!



Quoted from medstudent

Overall, good job, JD. I really enjoyed the story.
Joseph



Quoted from elis
Hi JD,
I thouroughly enjoyed your script. Anything to do with supernatural stuff is always a favorite of mine.

There are some great twists. Great script.  



Quoted from DDP

You have solid characters that make your story above average, and a very interesting plot. Not only that, but you were able to combine a myriad of themes and genres, which is pretty cool. This actually excited me enough to be able to finish the story without having to "force" myself to do so.



Quoted from Steve-Dave
a big improvement from the last draft. You had more fun with/explored these themes which was cool.



Quoted from BlueCat

The script has a lot going for it in terms of mystery
and action and atmosphere. There's a
lot of potential here!


Quoted from ericdickson

All n' all, great concept with a lot going for it.   I would have to grade this script as a pure action film, not so much a moving drama with a real heart at the center of it.  Find that steady balance of the two and you've got a real contender with this one.

4 out of 5 stars from me.    



Quoted from George Willson
My overall opinion of the script is that it is quite good. It's a well conceived notion that would play out very well on screen, and would likely do well for itself. In fact, your final pages are quite well written



Quoted from darthbrion
I enjoyed the script and I liked how your nice twist at the end.  Without giving anything anyway you could easily do another chapter in this story.
Good job man.



Quoted from TAnthony
First thing I have to say is Wow! This has come a long ways since the first draft. I don’t remember liking this as much as I did the first time.



Quoted from guyjackson
  this is probably one of the coolest concepts I have ever read on this site.   this could be a fantastic screenplay that would have an excellent chance at being sold.



So this was a neat action film with a little bit of Carrie as well.  Good job.



Quoted from mgj
you have something pretty good on your hands here



Quoted from dogglebe
And I'm sorry for going so Simon Cowell on your ass, but I feel as if I wasted my time reading it.



Quoted from mcornetto

I thought the concept was good – especially good if you are considering a series tie in.  



Quoted from kerrangster
With all said I loved the script.  



Quoted from GM
I enjoyed the idea very much.



Quoted from Shelton

Overall, a nice effort.  I'd say you're really close to having a REALLY solid script on your hands.  Just try to work on the dialgoue a little and you'll be there.

3/5



Quoted from Seth

JD,
You've got an interesting script. One that's structurally sound and, in terms of story, delivers! Thats said, I liked it.


Quoted from Mr.Z

Many aspects of this script are above the average level you can find in this site (in this genre). Fast paced. Good format and writing style (despite some strange wording here and there). Despite being an action script, it's clear that you didn't only focused on the fights and worked in giving your characters some depth.


Quoted from Alfred Hitchcock
i must say that I relly enjoyed the read! You got great structure and great character development going on and the story is also very good.



Quoted from James McClung

I was impressed with the backstory and belief system you developed for both characters. It really added a new dimension to the story. Not much else to say. I must say I'm impressed with what you were able to do with the comments you've received. You've really kicked your script up a notch. Good work.


Quoted from blackwrite
This is good. You've got the genre down gold. I can Imagine a young Sly Stallone writing something like this.



Quoted from tonkatough
Wow, you've been a real stubborn bastard with this script. And it has paid off for you cause this new draft was very good.



Quoted from silent0saint
The description got me interested right away, the actual story was excellent


Quoted from Scoob

Well, awesome really. Great finish, sets up a sequal rather nicely. I take it you are or plan on working on one.
Overall, definitly one of the best scripts I have read, I learned a lot myself and was entertained throughout. The pace never dropped and I cant say I was ever really
bored or wanted to put it down. The characters were well developed, and as much as they could have been to wrap this nicely at 95 pages. I think you did a great job on getting it at that number because it so easily could have been a lot more.

I really enjoyed it, certainly a great idea and one to really try and push ahead with.










Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



Revision History (36 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JD_OK  -  June 3rd, 2007, 7:10pm
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GM
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Hey, JD_OK. I only read ten pages so far but it was a quite good introduction. I found the dialgoue to be decent. It needs a bit of tweaking that's all.  

The only probelms I see are some formatting issues such as a double space after a secondary heading and capitalizing a character's name when they are presented for the first time.

You also have too many long paragraphs. The rule of thumb is to write a minimal of 4 sentences for each paragraph. This does not limit you to one liners either.

This is a action script so take the initiative in spicy things up a bit with what we are going to see. Vary betteen one liners and 4 sentences. I hope you understand. Here's a weak example,

Jack pulls a gun out and points it at Paul

BOOM!

Paul lies flat on the ground, motionless.

Take WE's out and fix some of your descriptions since I had problems visualzing them.

You also mention DEAD AIR? What is that? I never heard of it before.

Also, you need to shorten the page length to the maxium of 120. That's right off the back.

So, I'm going to continue to read the script and inform you on how's it progressing.

Gabriel  
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JD_OK
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Thank! I understand totally what you mean, after the first 10 pages I calm it done with the paragraphs.  The double spacing after a heading is done by final draft standards.

Dead air I guess is a term where Im from.... Static noise. Like when you use a radio you are switching channels to find a radio station,  and when it not a strong signal, you get dead air.

Which did you have scene did you have trouble to visualize, I would like to get after those asap.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



Revision History (1 edits)
JD_OK  -  August 26th, 2006, 3:07am
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GM
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pg. 4  I had diffcutly visualizing the scene where Moore I believe is hoisted up and then killed in the air.  

pg. 8 The other is when the Mime is entering the compound by breaking the glass.

Gabriel
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michel
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Hi JD,

I was enjoying your script. The action is good and I LOVED the scene between Troy and Jordan.
Unfortunately, I had to give up after the second half of the story. IMHO, the text is too "bushy". Paragraphs are far too long. No page numbers. You don't need to say "WE". Try to simplify, to tighten your action. There are too many characters. You have to clear things up a bit. It's a pity because the story is quite good and could be bankable.

Sorry, but try to do a shorter rewrite and let me know about it.

Hope this will help and you won't hold grudges about it

Michel   


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GM
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Hey, here's a review of about ten more pages:

"The obvious NERDS who have seen star wars to much." - I'm unsure about this. You should look into it.

"A Man back already napping away". Everything has to be present time so change it to naps.

"On the print out you see..." - no. the writer shows us what we see. dont be informative be descriptive.

Suddenly THE door shuts quickly -  forgot the

"the lights start to flicker; then off for a few moments then back on." fix this. I get your point just make it more effective

take off (beats) from the dialgoue. not necessary. better yet, write action to sepearte the dialgoue.

what happenED with the lights

"he points to another person, who is Chris; that eagerly has he hand raised with a PEN in it." fix this. too strange.

take off we's

he speaks in a soft tone as THEY pass people on their way

"They open the door and walk down a small narrow hall then turn the corner and we see other MILITARY PERSONNEL, high ranked OFFICERS sitting around the rectangle table TALKING." Run-on. fix it.

"rallins starts to pass out files around the table that has information about the facility." take off the part of information about the facility. not necessary info to add.

"of course not we are dealing with professionals here." fix it.

queue means forming a striaght line. I know what word you are trying to use but i think you mistaken the spelling of it.

Hill ACknowledges(i believe) the order.

"The VIDEO starts back when Hill standS over Moore's body then quickly turns around aiming at something then the Mime come into view behind him." another run-on.

pg. 20 Dr.Zahn's dialgoue: "he would demonstrate his abilites by lifting pencils,balls, things OF THAT NATURE and fly them around." I see him saying it this way. You could use it if you choose to.

One sentence down, you need to correct. add a comma in between ability and was.  

I'll see how I can go into the reading script. It's getting interesting now.

Gabriel
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JD_OK
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Quoted from michel
Hi JD,

I was enjoying your script. The action is good and I LOVED the scene between Troy and Jordan.
Unfortunately, I had to give up after the second half of the story. IMHO, the text is too "bushy". Paragraphs are far too long. No page numbers. You don't need to say "WE". Try to simplify, to tighten your action. There are too many characters. You have to clear things up a bit. It's a pity because the story is quite good and could be bankable.

Sorry, but try to do a shorter rewrite and let me know about it.

Hope this will help and you won't hold grudges about it

Michel   


Thanks guys!, Michael, i do understand about the paragraphs, They are heavy at the beginning , bar scene and then like 2 more scenes after the troy and jordan, so i hope that changes your mind about finishing it. But YES! i am goin try and get it tighter. I just didnt know what I can cut off,  every scene i fell is necessary.
Perhaps you can tell me what you felt could be left out?

The pages arent numbered? Well I just copied and pasted from final draft which number them for me, to a pdf file. So that everyone could view who didnt have final draft.



Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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JD_OK
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Quoted from GM
Hey, here's a review of about ten more pages:

"The obvious NERDS who have seen star wars to much." - I'm unsure about this. You should look into it.

"A Man back already napping away". Everything has to be present time so change it to naps.

"On the print out you see..." - no. the writer shows us what we see. dont be informative be descriptive.

Suddenly THE door shuts quickly -  forgot the

"the lights start to flicker; then off for a few moments then back on." fix this. I get your point just make it more effective

take off (beats) from the dialgoue. not necessary. better yet, write action to sepearte the dialgoue.

what happenED with the lights

"he points to another person, who is Chris; that eagerly has he hand raised with a PEN in it." fix this. too strange.

take off we's

he speaks in a soft tone as THEY pass people on their way

"They open the door and walk down a small narrow hall then turn the corner and we see other MILITARY PERSONNEL, high ranked OFFICERS sitting around the rectangle table TALKING." Run-on. fix it.

"rallins starts to pass out files around the table that has information about the facility." take off the part of information about the facility. not necessary info to add.

"of course not we are dealing with professionals here." fix it.

queue means forming a striaght line. I know what word you are trying to use but i think you mistaken the spelling of it.

Hill ACknowledges(i believe) the order.

"The VIDEO starts back when Hill standS over Moore's body then quickly turns around aiming at something then the Mime come into view behind him." another run-on.

pg. 20 Dr.Zahn's dialgoue: "he would demonstrate his abilites by lifting pencils,balls, things OF THAT NATURE and fly them around." I see him saying it this way. You could use it if you choose to.

One sentence down, you need to correct. add a comma in between ability and was.  

I'll see how I can go into the reading script. It's getting interesting now.

Gabriel


Thanks gabriel, I will get those thing fixed asap! Sorry for the paragraphs! I hope you get enjoy it! I find it to be one of those stories that can be read over and over, and still like it form teh first time, more or less understand it more.

Michael- Characters? I have to many? impossible lol, just the better it is for you to figure out who the good guys are and bad.

Also ill get to reeading one of you stories tonight, angels among us!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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dogglebe
Posted: August 31st, 2006, 8:34am Report to Moderator
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I read the first twenty-five pages of this script and I actually had to force myself to continue after page two.  This script is filled with problems, and I'm talking more than just spelling and formatting.

Let's start with the characters....

It's it painfully obvious that the Mime is based on V, from V for Vendetta.  I got the impression that you were watching this movie and said to yourself, "Boy, wouldn't it be cool if V had telekinetic powers?"  The answer to this question is 'no.'

Carl McCaine came off like J. Jonah Jameson.  As soon as someone would start talking, he'd interrupt with some impulsive question.  I was waiting for him to interrupt someone with "Curse that webslinger!"

I thought Zahn was a dull and unfocussed character, just based on his classroom discussion.  And those two teen students (whose names I can't remember) are completely forgettable.

FBI agents Stahl and Gartley are cliche and two-dimensional.

The story dragged on from page one.  That opening scene in the maintenence warehouse  could be taken out and no one would know about it.  With feature scripts, you have only ten pages (sometimes less) to pull the reader in.  The first ten pages of your script were just a bunch of random scenes.

The dialogue was dull and like something I read out of an old comic book.  Everyone sounded alike.  You learn as much about a character by what how they talk as by what they do.  I got nothing here.

I'm under the distinct impression that this script is a first draft and that you submitted it to these boards as soon you wrote 'final fade out' on the last page.  As I mentioned earlier, there were spelling and formatting problems.  Most of the spelling problems I've seen could've been resolved after simply using the spellcheck.

There were continuity problems and logistical problems.  On page one, in the Special Research Center (btw, can't you come up with a better name than that?), you state that the place is protected by security guards.  Later on, it's soldiers.  Later on, McCaine describes them as marines.  And why is the head of security of such an important place only a sargeant?

In the war room, they show the security video on television screens that drop from the ceiling.  A few minutes later, they show a another video on a screen that pops out of the wall.  Wouldn't the one in the wall be enough?  Did you forget about the other screen.

You have to seriously trim the fat down here.  The first twenty-five pages could be told in less than ten.  Read some other scripts here to see how the stories are told.  And before you submit anymore scripts, rewrite each one atleast twice.


Phil
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JD_OK
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Quoted from dogglebe
I read the first twenty-five pages of this script and I actually had to force myself to continue after page two.  This script is filled with problems, and I'm talking more than just spelling and formatting.


I understand. i have recently submitted the neccessary changes for spelling/grammar/formatting issues. It wil be a better read.


Quoted from dogglebe
Let's start with the characters....

It's it painfully obvious that the Mime is based on V, from V for Vendetta.  I got the impression that you were watching this movie and said to yourself, "Boy, wouldn't it be cool if V had telekinetic powers?"  The answer to this question is 'no.'


no. I started writing this script, b4 it had previews ( august 05). I knew nothing of V. V is mask thru out te entire movie. Mime is only speaks couple times b4 unmasked half way thru it.


Quoted from dogglebe
Carl McCaine came off like J. Jonah Jameson.  As soon as someone would start talking, he'd interrupt with some impulsive question.  I was waiting for him to interrupt someone with "Curse that webslinger!"


Nope, no big spider-man fan.


Quoted from dogglebe
I thought Zahn was a dull and unfocussed character, just based on his classroom discussion.  And those two teen students (whose names I can't remember) are completely forgettable.


You mean troy? Zahn never in a classroom


Quoted from dogglebe
FBI agents Stahl and Gartley are cliche and two-dimensional.


You are right, i fixed Hartley and im working on stahl's dimesions


Quoted from dogglebe
The story dragged on from page one.  That opening scene in the maintenence warehouse  could be taken out and no one would know about it.  With feature scripts, you have only ten pages (sometimes less) to pull the reader in.  The first ten pages of your script were just a bunch of random scenes.


Hmm I have to degree about that. It flows, maybe the revision will help clear things.



Quoted from dogglebe
There were continuity problems and logistical problems.  On page one, in the Special Research Center (btw, can't you come up with a better name than that?), you state that the place is protected by security guards.  Later on, it's soldiers.  Later on, McCaine describes them as marines.  And why is the head of security of such an important place only a sargeant?


I see what you mean about the refferences to the guard/marines. i just refer to those as marines. Reason i called them guard. cuz of their duty at the special research center is to guard it.

Special research center- does government really come up with good names for their facilities?


Quoted from dogglebe
In the war room, they show the security video on television screens that drop from the ceiling.  A few minutes later, they show a another video on a screen that pops out of the wall.  Wouldn't the one in the wall be enough?  Did you forget about the other screen.

You have to seriously trim the fat down here.  The first twenty-five pages could be told in less than ten.  Read some other scripts here to see how the stories are told.  And before you submit anymore scripts, rewrite each one atleast twice.



Story telling? i think you went just alil bit harsh with that comment. I do tell a story, maybe not in proper cut texting,but still if you finish the entire story you will see where it really shines.

Yea i am under going trimming the fat off, and I will try and take what you have stated and look in these problems. I very much appeciate it! Thank you for your comments!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JD_OK  -  September 5th, 2006, 10:08pm
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I don't tend to dwell on grammar and formatting since others make that their mission, so I'm not going to point out every single misspelled word and every time you said "we" in a description. I think you got enough of that already. The description "rule", incidentally, is four lines, not four sentences. I've had a six line sentence that I had to break up before.

Anyway, let's start with the basic concept you have going here. Overall, there's a lot of potential here, and you have the basics of what's going on pretty well laid out. I understood the story, and I very easily followed what was going on. There are a few times where it seems that something happens for the sake of the plot.

The most obvious place where this occurs is Hartley's bizarre need to head home "for a moment." As soon as she arrives, her mother is under the impression that she's there to stay and then she takes a shower. I understand the need is to setup Hartley's home life, but the scene comes out of no where and most of the actions make no sense.

With every scene, you need to ensure that the characters' arrival there makes sense and that it serves a specific need. Why did Troy visit Matt and Chris after escaping his house? It delivered a lot of exposition that we already knew or could have easily picked up if the story kept moving. You could cut this scene and no one would know it was gone. Speaking of Matt and Chris, these two seem to be kind of "everyman" characters that serve no plot purpose. They give us some exposition, and that's about it. You could at least make them a bit more comical or something to give them some purpose beyond a mouthpiece.

I had some issues with the dialogue in several areas. There are some parts where the characters are WAY too talky. They overtalk a lot of situations and it's primarily to provide exposition. You need to find a way to cut back on this. Writing good dialogue is all about economy; trying to say as much as possible using the fewest possible words. Troy's class is incredibly long-winded and while I understand the need to convey this info, you need to spread it out. You can get away with some of the classroom scene, but other parts of that information should be spread out throughout the script. Put some in the bar, some with Jordan, some in the flashback with Sarah, just wherever you can squeeze it in so it doesn't feel like a ton of exposition. There are several instances of this with other characters as well, the other notable being Zahn and his droning.

You need to work on delievering exposition within the flow of the plot. One of the best examples of doing this is in The Terminator. When was the entire backstory delivered? During a car chase between Reese and the Terminator as Sarah Conner is huddled on the floor.

This pops up a few times:

Where was it?
S.R.
S.R.?
Special Research.

Not the lines, but that pattern. Question, jargon, question about jargon, answer. Again, we're all about economy of words and the preceeding should be cut down to two lines. "Where was it?" "Special Research" or if the acronym is that important (since it's rarely used again) "S.R. Special Research." Be careful about bulking up the dialogue with chatter. Dialogue is kind of like natural speech refined to take out all the extra uh's and stuff. Unless character calls for it, no one falters on their words or has a slip of the tongue. No time for it. The story must keep moving.

You have a ton of vernacularisms, most notably "yawl" which is actually spelled "y'all" since it's a contraction of "you all." Unless they are regional (think Fargo), scripts should be written in common English. This one occurs on the East Coast as far as I understood it, and y'all is not quite as common there as in Oklahoma. Most of the people in the story are pretty well travelled and the more travelled you are, the less you use regional vernacular. I spent a two and a half years in the military and still flip-flop between using "pop" and "soda", where before I left, it was exclusively "pop".

When it comes to characters, there isn't a lot of dimension here. Troy is pretty good. Sarah is decent because of her setup. Hartley is ok, although she does play good cop to Stahl's very cliche bad cop. Stahl is downright annoying is how cliche he is. Your government officals are cliche as well. It wouldn't hurt to have one sympathetic ear in the higher ups. Right now, EVERYONE is against your protagonist in the upper ranks, and in reality, at least one person would play devil's advocate, if for no other reason than just to do it. Yes, people do act that way.

A good way to build any character is to give them life outside the story. This is where you're allowed to do something completely unrelated to the plot. Why is Stahl angry? Answer that, and you depart just a little from the cliche. If you give a character a little past, a little present, and a little future, you're good for secondary characters. Matt and Chris, for example, are currently guys in a class. That's it. How do they know each other? Are they studying for a major? Are the from around that city? Just little things that make them more human. Same with everyone else that has any kind of major part. Give them a little bit of past, present, and future, and you'd be surprised how much better it makes them.

Don't go overboard, of course, because you have a long script as it is, but if you have a complete story and can't really cut it down to 120 pages, don't fret. It just means your first sale won't be this one. Once you get credits behind you, it becomes easier (or so I understand).

In regards to the plot and pacing, it seems a little slow for the moment, but if you spread out the exposition and tighten the dialogue and scenes, it will bring the action scenes a bit closer together and up the pace a bit. Just make sure Troy remains an active participant in his fate. It's ok for him to be out of control at the beginning; just ensure he gets more and more control as you near the end. In this way, the story isn't that bad.

When all is said and done, it definitely needs a read-through to correct the grammar, spelling, and format. It also needs a good rewrite to tighten the dialogue and characters. I like the story. It has a lot of potential.

To address earlier comments: V for Vendetta is a completely different story, in my opinion. I wouldn't have caught the correlation at all. Superheroes wear mask, and this fits more in that vein than anything as specific as V.

I think Dead Air works as a description of what occurs on the radio. I don't see a need to change it.

While the opening warehouse scene might be questionable in need, I don't find the opening 10 pages to be a random collection of scenes. We get the sense of something happening. Kent's chatter could definitely be cut down a bit, though. Again, it's about the economy. I think you just need to clean house is all. Then we'll see how it looks.

So good job on this. You clearly did put some thought into the story and characters or it wouldn't read as clean as it does. If this is a first draft, it's a very good start.


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JD_OK
Posted: September 2nd, 2006, 11:44pm Report to Moderator
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George thank you for a great constructive review. I will begin working on tiese things.

Question: Did you find the twists to be surprising?

Did opening scene warehouse do well?


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
JD_OK  -  September 5th, 2006, 9:46pm
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JD_OK
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Quoted from George Willson
The description "rule", incidentally, is four lines, not four sentences. I've had a six line sentence that I had to break up before.


Thank you. Sumbitted revision with that in place.


Quoted from George Willson
Anyway, let's start with the basic concept you have going here. Overall, there's a lot of potential here, and you have the basics of what's going on pretty well laid out. I understood the story, and I very easily followed what was going on.


Thanks! Im glad it flowed for you, without questions concerning what is happening!


Quoted from George Willson
The most obvious place where this occurs is Hartley's bizarre need to head home "for a moment." As soon as she arrives, her mother is under the impression that she's there to stay and then she takes a shower. I understand the need is to setup Hartley's home life, but the scene comes out of no where and most of the actions make no sense.


Understood, i will rewrite this.


Quoted from George Willson
With every scene, you need to ensure that the characters' arrival there makes sense and that it serves a specific need. Why did Troy visit Matt and Chris after escaping his house? It delivered a lot of exposition that we already knew or could have easily picked up if the story kept moving. You could cut this scene and no one would know it was gone. Speaking of Matt and Chris, these two seem to be kind of "everyman" characters that serve no plot purpose. They give us some exposition, and that's about it. You could at least make them a bit more comical or something to give them some purpose beyond a mouthpiece.


understood, i removed this. and addedsome more humor them one.


Quoted from George Willson
I had some issues with the dialogue in several areas. There are some parts where the characters are WAY too talky. They overtalk a lot of situations and it's primarily to provide exposition. You need to find a way to cut back on this.


Which scenes were these?


Quoted from George Willson
Writing good dialogue is all about economy; trying to say as much as possible using the fewest possible words. Troy's class is incredibly long-winded and while I understand the need to convey this info, you need to spread it out. You can get away with some of the classroom scene, but other parts of that information should be spread out throughout the script. Put some in the bar, some with Jordan, some in the flashback with Sarah, just wherever you can squeeze it in so it doesn't feel like a ton of exposition. There are several instances of this with other characters as well, the other notable being Zahn and his droning.


Understood.



Quoted from George Willson
Stahl is downright annoying is how cliche he is. Your government officals are cliche as well. It wouldn't hurt to have one sympathetic ear in the higher ups. Right now, EVERYONE is against your protagonist in the upper ranks, and in reality, at least one person would play devil's advocate, if for no other reason than just to do it. Yes, people do act that way.


I will correct these things. Thanks for pointing it out. you are not the only one who thinks this.


Quoted from George Willson
Don't go overboard, of course, because you have a long script as it is, but if you have a complete story and can't really cut it down to 120 pages, don't fret. It just means your first sale won't be this one. Once you get credits behind you, it becomes easier (or so I understand).[/quote

Revision cut to 124, i espect to cut it more when I get my review back from my consultant.


[quote=Tubkas]When all is said and done, it definitely needs a read-through to correct the grammar, spelling, and format. It also needs a good rewrite to tighten the dialogue and characters. I like the story. It has a lot of potential.


I went back throug with the revision and hopefully i corrected these except teh dialog.


Quoted from George Willson
To address earlier comments: V for Vendetta is a completely different story, in my opinion. I wouldn't have caught the correlation at all. Superheroes wear mask, and this fits more in that vein than anything as specific as V.


I am glad to hear this!


Quoted from George Willson
While the opening warehouse scene might be questionable in need, I don't find the opening 10 pages to be a random collection of scenes. We get the sense of something happening.


Good deal!


Quoted from George Willson
So good job on this. You clearly did put some thought into the story and characters or it wouldn't read as clean as it does. If this is a first draft, it's a very good start.


Thanks about george for a excelent review and time to look over the script!



Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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JD_OK
Posted: September 10th, 2006, 3:33pm Report to Moderator
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Revision is now available with formatting, grammar and spelling corrections and shorten script.

Im in about to do the rewrite, but Helpful reviews are whats established will help! I'll will begin reading others scripts.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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