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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Western Scripts  ›  The Giant Elk Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Giant Elk  (currently 2672 views)
Don
Posted: August 22nd, 2006, 8:05pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Giant Elk, The by Ayham Saati - Western - Two old enemies, Man and Animal, meet again for a final showdown. 80 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  April 29th, 2008, 6:00pm
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Takeshi
Posted: September 7th, 2006, 8:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hi, Ayham.

I read your script and thought it was pretty good. I enjoyed the opening and the way you got it off to a flyer by having some action straight off the bat.

Initially I found the name Hawkeye a little distracting, because it made me think of Alan Alda in M*A*S*H, but I got used to it after awhile. I thought the repour between Nathan and Jim was good and I enjoyed some of the humorous exchanges between them, like when they talked about climbing the White Cliffs on page 3 and Jim’s gag about having a great recipe for deer eyes on page 43.These a just two examples, but there were a few other things that made me laugh, too. So well done for injecting a bit of humour into proceedings.  

I found the way Nathan kept calling Jim father a bit too formal; it’s unnecessary for them to keep calling each other father and son, when they’re on their own in the woods; the audience is well aware that they’re addressing each other.  

Something that didn’t work for me was the ending; I just new the Giant Elk was going to be shot just in the nic of time, because I’ve seen that happen in a million stories before. What you need is an ending where the rescue parties of Hawkeye and the possie are on their way, but somehow get thwarted and it’s then left up to Nathan and Jim to dig deep and overcome the Elk. That would be a much more satisfying ending. How you would write this, I’m not sure, but just try to write at least another five or ten possible ways they could overcome the Elk and then go with the best one.

Page 4; I loved all that stuff about progress and the environment; there was some great dialogue in that scene.

Page 29; I enjoyed the budding romance between Nadine and Nathan, I thought that was well written

Page 45; The Elk head disappearing from Fort Peck added a good bit of suspense to the story.

Page 55; That was a great dream sequence; I loved the way the Elk tried to hook on to the belt and then later it was spooky when Nathan discovered that the belt was broken. Well done.

Page 75; “This is more like an explosion. Frank’s body flies through the window, glass shattering all over the room, shrapnel piercing through Nathan’s face and body.”
This scene was cool.


On a less positive note, I thought the women in the script where a bit, too emotional, granted they should have been upset at times, but you might want to tone down the water works. It would probably play better if Kathrine had faith in Jim and was able to express her confidence in his ability to bring both Nathan and himself home safely.

I also thought the scene where Nadine was talking about her dead mother (p25) was pretty well done, but I don’t think she should cry either; perhaps she could choke back the tears and change the subject.

The last scene was a bit over cooked, as well; I think it should end with Jim saying, ‘I was a good hunter, but not as good as your dad”.

Then they should just walk in, with the camera stoping on the Elk’s head, mounted over the doorway.

There are also a number of typos in this script and some of your descriptions could do with a bit of a polish, because they don’t read that well.

All in all, this is a good solid story with a lot of potential; it just needs a re-write or two and you really need to change the ending into something less predictable.

Good luck.

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Don  -  September 7th, 2006, 10:28pm
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Ayham
Posted: September 9th, 2006, 11:48am Report to Moderator
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Chris, Thank you so much for all your comments. All the points you made were great and all will be taken into consideration. I agree the ending needs a bit polishig.
Regarding the conversations with Jim and Nathan (Father, Son) and the highly emotional women, you know, I kind of thought that people in that time period were like that. Fathers and sons treated each other with alot more respect than we do now and the women were alot more emotional than today, that's why I over did some of the emotions I guess. But now that I'm thinking about it, I guess you're right, it does come off a bit over the top.
Thank you again Chris and I truly appreciate you taking the time to read the story.
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Takeshi
Posted: September 9th, 2006, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
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No worries, Ayham.

After my last post, regarding your script, I was thinking that perhaps when Nathan and Jim split up, prior to the final battle with the Elk, the Elk could go after Jim; Hawkeye could show up seemingly in the nic of time to save Jim, but the Elk puts him out of business, then Nathan could show up and grab Hawkeye’s rifle and save both Jim and Hawkeye. He could use all the bullets to fell the Elk and then bludgeon it to death with the butt of the rifle.

This would fit in perfectly with the last scene, where Jim tells little Jimmy, that he was a good hunter, but not as good as little Jimmy's dad.

This would give  your story an even stronger coming of age theme, in that Nathan went out into the woods, with his dad to get the Elk and in saving his dad from the Elk there has been a changing of the guard; Nathan would have grown into a man and a fully fledged hunter and Jim would move on to the next stage of his life; the golden years, of being a granddad.

It's just one of many possibilities.
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Ayham
Posted: September 9th, 2006, 9:49pm Report to Moderator
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Chris, you brought up an excellent point for the ending, and even though I'm going to give it a serious consideration, I'm afraid we might lose an important point I was trying to make, and this has to do with the elk going after Nathan first, then Jim, I was trying to show all along that the elk is more of an evil spirit than a mindless animal and that it was trying to separate the two all along, to get to Nathan first so it would break Jim's spirit first, before killing him. I elluded to that in page 55 when the elk was trying to unhook the buckle, and in page 56 when the elk was trying to lure Nathan off the tree by using Dan Davis body... and later when it chased Nathan and tried to push him down the river..and finally in the end prior to the final battle, when it pretended to go after Jim.

I actually like the idea you brough up in your first post to me:

" What you need is an ending where the rescue parties of Hawkeye and the possie are on their way, but somehow get thwarted and it’s then left up to Nathan and Jim to dig deep and overcome the Elk. That would be a much more satisfying ending "

The final battle scene when Nathan Stood up to the elk and didn't back down, was designed to show Nathan coming of age and becoming the next " great hunter ", but now I realize that I took it away from him by having the possie kill the elk.

That's what needs reworking...what do you think?
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Takeshi
Posted: September 9th, 2006, 10:24pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Ayham

I actually like the idea you brough up in your first post to me:

" What you need is an ending where the rescue parties of Hawkeye and the possie are on their way, but somehow get thwarted and it’s then left up to Nathan and Jim to dig deep and overcome the Elk. That would be a much more satisfying ending "

The final battle scene when Nathan Stood up to the elk and didn't back down, was designed to show Nathan coming of age and becoming the next " great hunter ", but now I realize that I took it away from him by having the possie kill the elk.

That's what needs reworking...what do you think?



Yeah, having Nathan become the next "Great Hunter" by killing the Elk himself is essential.
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tonkatough
Posted: February 6th, 2007, 5:13am Report to Moderator
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Hey Ayham. Just letting you know I have started reading your script. I am 30 pages into it. While i was reading I was thinking: what's an elk. I quick google search revealed it to be a Moose. Is that correct?

Your style of writing is just a little to feel good for my taste. So far, this feels like a "Disney"  movie of the week that are on the TV on Saturday afternoon. Some of the scenes such as pa jim and mom expressing their love and the flash back to when they first met was stale, chessy and difficult to read through and just felt like you where going though the motions of the requirments for a"family" film.

But I did notice that Nathan's romance mirrors his parents and the flash back. I am guessing that is why you put it in the story and it works.

Have you chosen to write family style to market your script to a specific audience?

At the begining I really enjoyed the relationship between Jim and nathan while they are hunting in the wilderness. It was great and appealed to me because it reminded me of Sylvesta and his pint size son when they hunt the "giant mouse" in the Loony tune cartoons.

The slow build up of the Moose on the loose is very well done and has got me hooked. I just want to keep reading to see the big hunter/ big moose showdown.

That's one disgruntled, kick arse moose you got there. Or is it an elk.

Hang on, I just did another google search and now it is saying an elk is one of those big reindeer type things from the rocky mountain area that Americans enjoy shooting.  Now I am confused.

All we got here in Australia are dumb arse kangaroos, kolas and Platypus.  


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Ayham
Posted: February 6th, 2007, 10:53am Report to Moderator
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http://www.crystalinks.com/elks.html

Tonka, check out this article and the picture in the middle.

You said this story sounds like it could be a "movie of the week" episode, and you're exactly right. I was aiming for it to be that way.
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tonkatough
Posted: February 8th, 2007, 3:35am Report to Moderator
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thanks for posting that link Ayham. It helped me visualize the animal you had in mind. So it wasn't just an Elk, it was a prehistoric elk. That is so cool. I have seen a documentary on those elk on Discovery channel one time, went into a lot of detail.

So yeah any movie with a rampaging bad tempered prehistoric elk in it gets a big thumbs up from me.

The scene where the elk was parading the dead body on his antlers was awesome.

The format, plot and pacing was fine. I had no problem with it at all. The story flowed very well. the dialouge was I found a little to formal and word perfect in some parts. It didn't feel natural.

Conversation between hawkeye and kathrine on page 50 is an example.

So you where aiming for the family, Hallmark channel, conservative crowd. Well, by cripes I tell you what you totally nailed it. good job. Your writing style and story is slick, plot structure and character motives are in the right place and do right job. eg: Elk is in revenge mode because young hunter killed off his species. Young hunter happen to be Jim. so there is that back story and history of characters that drive the story forward.

The draw back to all this is that your story comes off a little sterile and flat like all family movies that play it safe by apealling to everyone and offending no one.

But this is a personal dislike and not a critcism to your script. Scripts like this are sold by studios by the truck load.

I would love to look at your mirrors script and at a later date maybe we can do another script review swap.      


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Ayham
Posted: February 8th, 2007, 10:59am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for your comments, Tonka.
I'm going to finish my latest project soon, and when I do the "put it away for two weeks " step, I'll contact you for another swap.
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Takeshi
Posted: June 8th, 2007, 5:45am Report to Moderator
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How's the rewrite going, Ayham?
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Ayham
Posted: June 8th, 2007, 8:13pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Chris, Haven't been writing at all lately. Things been real crazy. But thanks for checking.
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