Cart Boy by Nikki Anne Schmutz and Ron Ryan - Short, Comedy -  A trip to the grocery store for a newlywed couple turns into an adventure as Cart Boy plots his revenge. 6 pages - pdf, format

Hi , Thanks for posting Cart Boy. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

okay, finished your short so here I go with my two cents.

* SPOILERS *

* A lot of your action was in paragraph form.  Maybe try to break it up a little more.
* Unless you plan on shooting this I've always heard that you never want to put in camera angles & such.  But I dunno, I think that might be up for debate.
* You made mention of the couple being newlyweds in your logline yet I don't think it was mentioned in your actual story.  
* overall a decent if odd story.  I, myself was once a sad cart boy and it sucked.

Good luck with your short.

So you think Cart Boy could have some good potential to getting made. I know nothing about filming and dont have any connections. Looking for someone who might like it and want to refer it to someone who might be interested in bringing it to life. Cart Boy needs to LIVE ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

was a nice draft! I like it, funny! Go Cart Boy!!!!!!

only disturbing thing for me were all the camera directions, way to much camera directions! Which doesn't leave a lot of freedom to the reader to imagine the story.

It's a production draft, I would say just shoot the short Ryan, since you seem to have everything set!

Quoted from rpedro only disturbing thing for me were all the camera directions, way to much camera directions! Which doesn't leave a lot of freedom to the reader to imagine the story.

I agree with rpedro. I was a bit lost through all those camera directions

Good funny story anyway

Michel

Thanks everyone with your feedback. I will look into the camera angle issues and tone it down. At least youre all liking it aside from that. Thats a good thing.

why don't you shoot it Ryan?

I would, honestly, you got all the angle set, do it mate!

Make the movie and I'll bring the popcorn!

Hi RPedro,

I can barely snap pictures with a regular camera let alone make a little movie. I just like writing them. No idea how to make them. I'm looking for someone to bring it to life and win all the festivals/contests. : )

Know anyone?

email me at rryan610@aol.com