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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  A Night To Remember Moderators: bert
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  Author    A Night To Remember  (currently 2702 views)
Don
Posted: August 23rd, 2006, 8:54pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Night to Remember, A by Gabriel Moronta - Short, Horror - A huge crowd of wealthy individuals attend a late night birthday party of Mr. Hirsch. It's a party that no one will ever forget.  24 pages. - pdf, format



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  April 3rd, 2008, 9:16pm
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GM
Posted: August 23rd, 2006, 8:57pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you Don for posting this up. I hope people enjoy it as well.

Gabriel
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mgj
Posted: August 24th, 2006, 12:04am Report to Moderator
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This was an amusing tale.  However, like your other short 'Closed In' I think it just needs to be fleshed out a little more to be fully realized.

SPOILERS:

Since you established  Mr. Anderson and Mr. Pierce as characters early on in the script I think it would be beneficial to make at least some reference of their deaths specifically.  This ommission felt conspicuous and resulted in an opportunity lost.

The ending was a little too criptic.  I think you need to establish some sort of clearer motivation or purpose behind this 'game' so to speak.  Was this done for sport or for something else?  I got the sense that it was something else but this was never fully explained, at least not firmly enough to be understood completely.

You did a nice job of establishing a mood and atmospere.  It wasn't difficult to visualize the events as you described them.

The dialog was a strong point I felt.  Through a few simple exchanges of dialog you managed to quickly establish character and set a nice tone and framework for the rest of the story.

You kept me guessing throughout, which is also good.  I think you just need to establish a better or clearer motivation.  This will make the payoff that much more satisfying.

I hope this helps.  If I missed anything or have anything specific you want feedback on, just ask.


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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GM
Posted: August 24th, 2006, 6:21am Report to Moderator
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Thanks mgj. I found it quite amusing as myself during the process of writing it.

"Since you established  Mr. Anderson and Mr. Pierce as characters early on in the script I think it would be beneficial to make at least some reference of their deaths specifically.  This ommission felt conspicuous and resulted in an opportunity lost."

Point taken. I was thinking of lengthening that death sequence a tiny bit longer. Now I should do so, just to the extent of Mr. Anderson and the two other character's death and probably some more.

"The ending was a little too criptic.  I think you need to establish some sort of clearer motivation or purpose behind this 'game' so to speak.  Was this done for sport or for something else?  I got the sense that it was something else but this was never fully explained, at least not firmly enough to be understood completely."

Alright, thank you for pointing that out. The idea that was surrounding me was the whole Heaven and Hell everlasting battle. I'm a big fan of those type of stories. So, initially, I was trying to convey that Mr. Hirsch was recruiting for Satan's army in order to win the battle by any means necessary. This is Mr. Hirsch's punishment. But I just have to emphasize a bit more, no problem.

"You did a nice job of establishing a mood and atmospere.  It wasn't difficult to visualize the events as you described them.

The dialog was a strong point I felt.  Through a few simple exchanges of dialog you managed to quickly establish character and set a nice tone and framework for the rest of the story."

Thanks. I was worried about these points in the story since it was something new I was trying out. Glad I did good on those points.

"You kept me guessing throughout, which is also good.  I think you just need to establish a better or clearer motivation.  This will make the payoff that much more satisfying."

Wow. I was afraid that people would have suspected something of this sort near the beginning especailly that dialogue between the butler and caterer. I surprise myself sometimes. I have my priroties set for the second draft, thanks.

Gabriel



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JD_OK
Posted: August 26th, 2006, 1:05am Report to Moderator
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Newton's Cradle will make you a believer.

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I must say, I want to know more and where this is leading to. I did find just  couple error.

pg- 2 Well,..." Well... without comma.
pg -5  Your all beautiful" should be you're.

Oh and you are missing the fade in and fade out, but maybe u did that on purpose.
You tell what music is playing. I would just say classical music is being played in the background.Cuz i personall dont know what the minuet is, so I cant imagine a the music. IF you were to say i can hear a piece of classical music that might be already in my head.

I feel like this is just the opening scene, which is great btw, heading toward to a bigger story yet unfolded. Good dialog from the butler and the uptight people.

Is it really the end? I hope not. I was able tp picture everything you laid out. I agree with mgj on alot. I wanted to know more of the motivation behind this plot.  Named characters should yell out something since they talked to their killers, plead or what not.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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GM
Posted: August 26th, 2006, 1:07am Report to Moderator
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This response is to answer JD_OK's review which is pasted underneath:

"I must say, I want to know more and where this is leading to. I did find just  couple error.

pg- 2 Well,..." Well... without comma.
pg -5  Your all beautiful" should be you're.

Oh and you are missing the fade in and fade out, but maybe u did that on purpose.
You tell what music is playing. I would just say classical music is being played in the background.Cuz i personall dont know what the minuet is, so I cant imagine a the music. IF you were to say i can hear a piece of classical music that might be already in my head.

I feel like this is just the opening scene, which is great btw, heading toward to a bigger story yet unfolded. Good dialog from the butler and the uptight people.

Is it really the end? I hope not."

Well, thanks for reading it. I'm still not done reading yours. I left a review for you on your thread. I initially intended this story to be a short. But I've had ideas lately about making it a feature. So, i'm still unsure about it. And if i do lenghthen, it will probably help me get depth. But I'm going to take some time from this story and work on two others: one which is Closed In and another one which is going to be a feature.

Thanks for liking it and that it intrigued your curiosity.

Gabriel
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JD_OK
Posted: August 26th, 2006, 1:11am Report to Moderator
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Newton's Cradle will make you a believer.

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Welcom, Ill read over Closed in, my girl friend is waiting to watch a movie, but she is on phone right now, so maybe I can get a review up b4 she is done!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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wildgrace
Posted: August 26th, 2006, 5:46pm Report to Moderator
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tuxedos?

on top is a small lap (laptop?)

Something is up, locked doors, people guarding the exits.

It would be odd for a butler to do the intro I think, I would think it more like a close friend or family member.

Would people come to another Hirsch party now? The world is bound to notice if a bunch of rich people don't make it home. And, if there are survivors they'd talk. So this moment when they talk about the family is confusing to me.

You have a knack for creating visuals. But, what is going on?  So Hirsch kills a bunch of people. And, if I understand correctly its because he made a deal with the devil.But what have these people done to deserve death, that doesn't come across clearly for me.

So the question I am asking myself have many rich people made a deal with the devil? And, then maybe the who died are people did not fulfill their part of the bargain they made?

You've got some interesting pieces of the puzzle, but I don't quite have a complete picture.  A bit of a rewrite would fix this.


Scripts
PumpkinCrow Revised Sept 29/06, horror/comedy, 92 pgs

Red Lipstick Revised October 12/06, drama, 7 pgs
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GM
Posted: August 26th, 2006, 8:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, wildgrace. Thanks for your interest in this work. I am going to do another rewrite on this one of course, extending it longer. But currently I'm working on Closed In first. But once I'm done with that one then comes the rewrite of A Night To Remember.


"tuxedos?"

When I was writing the stories, I was thinking of a time period most likely the 1920's to set the story in. But then I decided not to put that in and just make an atmosphere and mood. I'm fascinated in those older time periods.  


"on top is a small lap (laptop?)"

I completely not noticed the "lap" error. This is actually a lamp not a laptop. Sorry about that.

"Something is up, locked doors, people guarding the exits."

I intentially put that to hint the readers of something bad coming up. Your not sure of what it is yet.

"It would be odd for a butler to do the intro I think, I would think it more like a close friend or family member."

Well,...I really don't want to explore this area quite yet. This is something to think about in my next draft. Thanks for mentioning it though.

"Would people come to another Hirsch party now? The world is bound to notice if a bunch of rich people don't make it home. And, if there are survivors they'd talk. So this moment when they talk about the family is confusing to me."

The chit chat taking place is simply them talking among themselves. Something I clearly must clarify in my next draft. They fool people to attend their mansion. There are no survivors since all die. I just didn't want to lengthen that massacre scene.  

"You have a knack for creating visuals. But, what is going on?  So Hirsch kills a bunch of people. And, if I understand correctly its because he made a deal with the devil.But what have these people done to deserve death, that doesn't come across clearly for me."

Well, your close to it. In actuallity, Mr. H is serving the devil for a crime he did before. The people have done nothing wrong. Their innocent victims of this trajedy. The devil needs men for the eternal everlasting battle against heaven. He will do anything to get more soldiers. Something I need to clarify more. And thanks for the compliment.

"So the question I am asking myself have many rich people made a deal with the devil? And, then maybe the who died are people did not fulfill their part of the bargain they made?"

A simple no. Their innocent and died without doing anything bad. I was thinking of another angle of thisin putting to this story, but I'm not going to delve into it now. Can't ruin the surprise.

"You've got some interesting pieces of the puzzle, but I don't quite have a complete picture.  A bit of a rewrite would fix this.'
  
I intended this script to be a short but I must change it to a feature. Thanks for looking at it though.

Gabriel  
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Joe Allen Barniak
Posted: September 2nd, 2006, 9:40am Report to Moderator
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Hey, I'm a movie director and I'm looking for a writer for my horror short.   I like your style.  So if your interested in working on this horror idea with me let me know. joecaholic@yahoo.com
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GM
Posted: September 2nd, 2006, 9:21pm Report to Moderator
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I'll be most interested in helping you out.

Gabriel
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Doc
Posted: September 2nd, 2006, 11:38pm Report to Moderator
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Gabriel

Looks like you have the beginnings of a sweet short story. Aside from the already mentioned glitches, there is much promise in a miniseries of shorts. If you were to have several others that you might possible link together at the end. Hmmmm the possibilties.


Good Luck


Doc

The prescription is wriiten...Hope it helps.


********************************************************
Projects in Motion

Nightlife: The Eternal Order
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GM
Posted: September 3rd, 2006, 12:00am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for those kinds words Doc. I'm planning on making this into a feature when I have the time for it though. School alone is killing me already; I'm an english major.   Nevertheless, thanks for the idea though but I still haven't decided on how I will approach this quite yet.

Gabriel
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tomson
Posted: September 3rd, 2006, 12:09am Report to Moderator
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I read this one a few days ago.

Didn't comment because I was not in the mood. Sorry!

You write well and I appreciate what you were trying to do, but the ending left me confused.

Having read through the comments, I understand it now, but I think you need to tighten this up in order to make it better.

You need to tell me what time period this is. I wasn't sure until people started talking (that's a compliment, being able to set the time through dialogue), but then there was this lap thing on the table so I got confused.

You don't need to tell us what type of wine or drink everyone's having. I know nothing about wines, so I have no idea what a Chardo....something is colored or any of the other ones. They're just liquids to me

You did a pretty good job though and I love that a young writer is interested in capturing the past.

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GM
Posted: September 3rd, 2006, 12:21am Report to Moderator
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Thank you Pia. No need to appologize for not commenting before. I am the same way when I write. When I don't feel the mood, I stop immediately and do something else.

I appreciate your compliments especially about the dialgoue. I was worried about that aspect most of all. The lap is actually lamp (it still bothers me that it slipped by me).

Neverthless, I am definitely planning to lengthen this script. I'm still uncertain but most likely a feature.    

The wines reference I felt helped the scene and in some way characterize the three characters; I only do it to them. I don't know much wines myself so I had to look them up.

Thank you again for your interest and lovely compliments, Pia.

Gabriel
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