One Day by Pedro Chaves (rpedro) - Short, Action - The story of a bountyhunter, a man and a criminal, and one of the three is extremelly dangerous! But which one? 20 pages - pdf, format

I liked this short, except i found the ending out of place. Ras actions seemed out of place.

SPOILER

The team up at the end seemed out of character for Ras, because he was described as such a ruthless underground killer. It seemed very indulgent Ras teaming up with Sven.

But apart from that i liked it.

Yeah I agree with what Ape is saying.

There were some things I liked about the script, but the ending was one of the things that seemed out of place. Also, I thought the script was too long. Even as I was reading it, I got the impression that you could have said what you wanted to say in a lot less time, there were some redundant scenes that I would like to see cleared up. Also, I would take out the references to other movies such as The Postman. Sometimes they work, but here they just seemed out of place. I don't know, it kind of took me out of the story a little bit, so I would just omit them if you're planning on doing a second draft.

Otherwise, I liked the script. I didn't love it, but I liked it. There are a few formatting errors and some dialogue tweeking is needed here and there, but overall I enjoyed it.


Cheers, Chism.

thanks guys!

and yeah, there is a second draft already!

and busy with the third one now!

thanks a lot for your comments guys! Really appreciate them!

No problem. Glad we could help.

Can't wait to read future drafts. I'm looking forward to it.

Cheers, Chism.

I don't know...I like it, indeed, but I thought the ending could be less sligthly sweet. For a underground killer Ras seemed to be a tough Mormon. I hope you rewrite it and fix everything like that.

thanks helio for reading this too,

I actually wanted to show that Ras changed, he is not the same man that he was before, like he says he was a trapped dog, he didn't had a choice.

In the feature I'm writing, his past gets totally explained. And his change of mind.

But you are right, I should darken it up.