Steal by Pedro Chaves (rpedro) - Short, Comedy - One thief is doing his work on a normal evening, until he was disturbed by nobody else than... a thief.. 6 pages - pdf, format

I see what you're trying to do with this, Pedro, but I think you missed the mark.


SPOILERS!

You have burglars getting into an argument over who has 'rights' to a house, but the argument just turns into bickering.  And the urban dialogue got tured real fast.  You lost focus of the story.

Maybe you could go more into the working of the thieves' union a little more.  Argue about the dynamics of the unions.

Also, don't change the names of the characters in the middle of the script.  Rather than have Thief 1 become White and Thief 2 become Black, just give them regular names (ie:  Bert) and stick with it.


Phil

thanks for the advice Phil!

thing is I gotta keep it under 5 minutes!

You got any clue?

Should I just keep it about the rights to the house and the union? And take off the azian guy at the end?

stinkin' unions.......

* SPOILERS *

* This thing was full of typos my man.  I'd go back and fix 'em.
* I dig the idea of a union for thieves but you kinda glossed over it when the two burglars got into their spat.
* Lose the ninja...
* Maybe start the story off with the other burglar (the white one I guess) standing before a wall safe and trying to open it when a beam of light hits him.  But instead of it being the homes owner it could be the other thief (the black guy) But what do I know?
* I agree with Phil about giving these guys names.  To switch it up at the midway point could be confusing for some.

All in all it was what I assume to be a spoof of sorts.  The stereotypical black man and such.  Go back and fix a few things and it'll make a world of difference.  

I would have the two argue more about union rules.  Describe so much beaucracy and nonsense that that becomes the story.  Get rid of the racial sterotypes.  It didn't work for me.


Phil

alright phil,

I'll follow your adivce and thry a version like you said,

it's tough to keep it maximum 5 minutes.

thanks also darth! will take you guys advices!

This story made me think (and this is a compliment) of a scene from Monty Python's Life of Brian, when two groups of terrorrists meet in the swers to kidnap Pilate's wife.

The irruption of the owner was a bit predictable. I think you should find something more (aware?) original to make them leave the house at the end (kinda thieves controler...)

Anyway, I had fun.

Michel

like what michel?

like I say, I only have 5 minutes (credits included)

how would you end it?

It would be an endless number of thieves coming from everywhere from different unions. Our two or three heroes escape from the house, while cops from different unions too come to arrest everyone. A burlesque and nonsense ending in Marx Brothers style

Michel

nice idea michel,

thanks a lot

that could do the trick!

Always a pleasure to help

Good premise here Pedro! It was funny reading!

I'm with Michel's endding. I know it is tough when we have just 5 minutes to tell a story, but you will do it properly, I know that, amigo!

BTW, for me racial steroype is not a problem, we all have to discuss it everyday everytime until this f*****g problem gets out of the humanity mind forever!

Quoted from Helio GBTW, for me racial steroype is not a problem, we all have to discuss it everyday everytime until this f*****g problem gets out of the humanity mind forever!

If we stop discussing it, it will get out of everyone's mind.


Phil

waw I feel honored to have all this help by you guys!

really! Thanks a lot! It's GREATLY appreciated!

Hey rpedro, just read this one. Got some comments, with

*SPOILERS*

It's a good concept for a comedy short: one house, two thieves.

I think that the execution could be improved, though. I felt like you deviated a bit from your concept when writing this draft. This thief union idea could lead to very strange and funny situations, yet you headed to the racial sterotype road and even threw in a ninja.

The way I see it (just my opinion, of course) this script could be greately improved if you go back to the concept phase. Remember the central idea: What if two thieves decide to steal at the same house?

Then brainstorm as much ideas as you can from *that* concept. Racial sterotypes got nothing to do with it. A Union who gave both thieves official permission to steal there, yes. You need more plot points like this. Write to concept. Avoid filler material.

Hope this helps.