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Don
Posted: September 16th, 2006, 9:02am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Black Market by James McClung - Thriller - When Cindy Hutchins shows up for a job interview at McCain Funeral Home, she is unexpectedly cast into the cutthroat underworld of the black market, where the goods come from humans. 88 pages - pdf, format


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Don  -  April 13th, 2007, 9:27am
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James McClung
Posted: September 16th, 2006, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
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Just thought I'd say a few words about this one, as I usually do...

Once I started writing the third act, I figured this was two disjointed to work as an entirely horror project so I opted to call it a thriller instead. I feel this is much more at home with scripts about terrorists, hallucinating prison-escapees, and surgery-addicted drug addicts than zombies, cannibals, and masked killers. Also, I figured if I ever changed my mind and went back to calling it horror, it'd still be at home with scripts that straddle the two genres (ala The Basement, Whispers).

Anyway, this is rather different from what I usually write. This is the first feature-length I've written that focuses on the main character's homelife and how they deal with everyday problems. It also lacks the conventional group of friends that have plagued my previous scripts. This is Cindy's story and, for the most part, she faces it alone.

I also feel this is the most original script I've written. There is some homage to a particular cinematic subgenre I've grown to love over the past year or so but when it comes to the horror stuff, I can't name any particular movie that served as an influence. Most of its influences came from outside sources. I did a fair share of research for this one as well. Mostly on names and certain... procedures (you'll see).

Finally, I feel this is the strongest script I've written in terms of character development and also one of the sickest, grimmest, and most brutal.

Anyway, as usual, comments and criticisms of any kind are appreciated. Hope you enjoy it.


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Shelton
Posted: September 17th, 2006, 5:12pm Report to Moderator
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Hey James,

This one sounded pretty interesting, and I've read two of your other features, so I thought I'd give this one a look.

This was a remarkably fast read.  I think other readers will find that these 94 pages just fly by.

Another thing that I really enjoyed, is that this script is a perfect example of how a writer is supposed to show and not tell.  Once we get into the thick of things, you have these long passages of time where nothing at all is being said, yet it can be pictured rather vividly.  I myslef could never write anything like this.  I'd just have to have a second mortician come in and start talking about some ridiculous nonsense or drop a couple of pop culture references. =)

The one thing that I'll call you out on is the air vent.  It's always a convenient means of escape, yet the actual logistics of it never make any sense to me.  Air vents are meant to hold air, not the weight of people.  John August has a pretty funny article about this on his website, which also includes a vow for screenwriters to take, ensuring they will never place a character in an air duct.

I also liked how you covered two aspects of the Black Market, and how they transitioned into one another.  Nice work there.

On pg. 92 you have "a dray washcloth".

Normally, I'm not a huge fan of the abrupt ending, but I think it works pretty well in this case, as there really isn't much more that can be said.  I suppose you could have had a scene where she's talking to the cops, or maybe finishing a book, where the subject has changed from her post-apocalyptic story to own experience, but it's not entirely necessary.  Although now that I think of it, the book thing would bring it full circle.  

Anyway, I really enjoyed this.  I think you'll end up drawing a few Hostel references, but in my opinion the subject matter is more than sufficiently different, if not more realistic, to establish this as it's own script.  If I were to watch this, I'd probably prefer it over Hostel.

Keep up the good work.


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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin

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Shelton  -  September 17th, 2006, 10:46pm
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mgj
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I had some free time so I got to this right away.

I suppose I should mention right off the bat that excessive violence or gore has never really been my thing.  That being said, you have a well-crafted story here.  

I like the fact that it's straight forward and with few peripheral characters.  In your previous post you mentioned that you decided to focus on one main character this time around.  Without having read any of your previous work I will say that this was a wise decision.

The opening segment was quite different from the rest of the story, especially in its tone.  Nice job of establishing a protagonist.  She's likeable, a little quirky and easy to root for.  

In fact this almost felt like three separate stories.  Not necessarily a bad thing but the transition was quite abrupt even if they were connected in some way.  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  I think it holds together fine but maybe others will comment on this (Edit: Mike Shelton already has).

In the opening scenes I almost felt a certain comedic undertone.  Intentional or not I grinned when her prospective boss at the funeral parlour tells her on the phone that a job's available if she wants it and she responds, in what I imagine to be a chipper voice, with 'I'll be right over'.  It's hard not to root for someone with that much enthusiasm for the dead.

The action sequences, which take up the bulk of this story, were well crafted.  Not much to say here really.  Perhaps a little too much emphasis on the gory details but again, that's me.

I wish the ending tied in more with what you established at the beginning.  This goes back to what I said before about it feeling disjointed, almost like two seperate stories.  I think an extra scene at the end would be beneficial, linking the two.  Maybe show her back home, perhaps in new digs, writing her masterpiece.  As it is, it ends quite abrupt.  Just a thought anyway.  It stood out for me.

Cindy's friend disappears from the script and is never heard from again.  I wonder if somehow you could bring her into the story, even if only briefly.  Maybe Cindy calls her for help on her cell phone or maybe she drops by the funeral parlour for a surprise visit.  Anyway, you took the time to establish her as a character, why not utilize her in some way, even if only as a victim.

I think if this were made into a movie people would go into it expecting a certain thing and probably walk out feeling they got exactly that, nothing more and nothing less.  It was bloody and it had a hero we could all root for.  The main ingredients are there.

Hope this helps

-Mike


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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The boy who could fly
Posted: September 20th, 2006, 8:27am Report to Moderator
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Hey James, I thought I'd check this one out.

This was actually a pretty good read, it's a lot different than the last one I read of yours, and I think this one works quite well.



***************************SPOILERS**************************


The opening of this script kind of reminded me of Hostel in a way so I got kinda worried, but in my opinion, this was a lot better than that(even though that really doesn't say much)

I liked Cindy, she was a very different kind of lead, she is strange and weird, but I like weird, weirdo's are cool.

The first act has a completely different feel to what happens in the last two acts.  It's more light hearted.

I don't think you need the scene with Miranda and her boss, the conversation later between Cindy and Miranda explains her not really being a people person who usually works weird jobs, I don't think you need to go through that twice.

When I saw the name Ichiban I started to laugh, then I got the Sapporo Ichiban commercial stuck in my head, it's such an annoying commercial.

The second act of this script is really interesting, for most of it there isn't much dialogue, after the introduction of Buddy and McCain, it is mostly written action and I thought that was kind of cool.

I did like Buddy and I was hoping he would make it outta there, but I knew in my gut he wouldn't and I was right, but I did like how his death comes outta nowhere.

There are some really good gore moments in this funeral home, you really know how to do descriptions.  The part with Buddy's eye made me feel a little uneasy, anything to do with eyes always does.

then comes the last act which is completely different from the first and second.

There is a lot of pistol whipping in this script, I started to notice that, you may wanna take a few of them out because it becomes a little bit repetitive.

I don't know if Cindy would be able to do all the things she is able to do in the last act considering what she has gone through, I figured she'd be wiped out, but maybe under those circumstances she is able to find all that energy, I dunno.

I kinda liked how this turned into a Japanese Gangster film in a way, I didn't know from the way it started that it was going to end up that way.

I was a bit disappointed in the ending, it just ends, but maybe it works for some, I would have just liked a bit of closure.

Anyways I liked this one, it had an interesting lead, some great gore and the story had surprises in it's tone.  Good work


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Mr.Z
Posted: September 21st, 2006, 9:53am Report to Moderator
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As usual, your work shows you put some serious effort into it, James. In my opinion, your writing level is above much of the stuff that is submitted to this site. I believe there is room for improvement as well; I’ll dwell more on the “negative” aspects in order to try to offer some feedback for future rewrites, if you’re planning any.

*SPOILERS*

One reader above me said it first. This script seems to contain three different stories:

1) When Cindy looses her job, she struggles to put food back on the fridge by selling a novel. She fails and gets the job at the funeral home. This would be your first act.

2) Cindy struggles to escape the funeral home where morticians steal organs from people in order to sell them at the black market. She succeeds but gets caught right after that. This would be your second act.

3) Cindy struggles to escape the Japanese Villa after being sold to a Japanese gangster; she succeeds and kills all the japs in the process. This would be your third act.

Right now, these three acts feel a bit disjointed from each other (on some levels). Whether you did this intentionally or not, I think you should strengthen the dramatic connection between these acts in order to improve the overall quality of your script. Some suggestions:

Connecting 1 to 2

The first act establishes who is your main character, we get to know Cindy. Since her life is going to be in danger in the next act, it’s ok to introduce her to the audience. If we don’t know who she is, we won’t care about her. So “1” establishes character and “2” is where the story kicks in; now the character is in danger and has a dramatic goal (escape the funeral home).

The problem is that much of the information we learn about Cindy doesn’t connect to the plot that follows (escape the funeral home). It’s ok to tell us about her problems and background, but such problems must have a dramatic connection with the next act. Cindy’s novel and writing career takes quite a lot of space from your first pages, yet it doesn’t connect with what happens to her afterwards. And it should have. Some examples:

During Vertigo’s first act we get to learn about the protagonist background and problems: he has a pathological fear of heights. This problem plays a major role during the second act, since this is the weakness that’s exploited by the villain to set up and use the protagonist for his needs. The protagonist’s background is organic to the rest of the story.

Bruce Willis’ character in The Sixth Sense has problems as well (despite being dead), he feels guilty because he couldn’t help a patient who committed suicide right in front of him. This problem, like in Vertigo, was not chosen randomly. On the contrary, this is the back story that fuels the protagonist’s motivation to help another kid with the same problem and find closure.

When building your protagonist’s background, characteristics and problems, have your plot in mind, in order to combine both for maximum dramatic effect. It’s not a coincidence that Indiana Jones, who fears/hates snakes, ends up trapped in a room full of them. Since writing the novel and wanting to be a writer is an aspect later abandoned in the script, I’d suggest it to loose it completely.

I’m not saying that every single aspect about your characters must be 100% essential to the plot; The Oracle would still be The Oracle even if she didn’t bake cookies and the Ninja Turtles would still be Ninja Turtles even if they didn’t like pizza. But when you give your protagonist a characteristic that needs a considerable amount of pages to be established (like Cindy’s writing background) make sure it has a relevant part to play later.

The only relevant information given in this draft’s first act, is that Cindy needs money and doesn’t have a job. This info has a connection with the rest of the story, we know why she takes a job that some people wouldn’t find pleasant to do. It’s ok to tell us more about her if you want, but make sure that her background has a relevant part to play. Her writer’s background seems like a big set-up without a payoff.


Connecting 1&2 to 3

When Cindy’s job interview ends and she is attacked, that’s the end of your first act. The first act usually establishes the big dramatic question: Will Jaw’s protagonist kill the shark? Will Indiana Jones find the lost arc? Will Saw’s protagonist escape Jigsaw’s traps? And in this script: Will Cindy escape the Funeral Home? The second act deals with this question, and the third act resolves it.

Your second act deals directly with the dramatic question established by the end of the first act. Cindy has a goal (escape), and everything she does is related to achieving said goal; the script works fine here.

But your third act spins the story into a whole new direction and, to me, felt a little bit unfocused. The third act usually gives a definite answer to the dramatic question established by the end of the first act: The shark gets killed or its hunter gets eaten. Indy finds the arc or the nazis do. Jigsaw’s victims escape the trap or they die.

The problem here is that the dramatic question (Cindy escapes or has her organs removed) is not solved. It’s left aside in order to turn the story into another direction: we leave the Funeral Home are we’re taken to a Japanese Villa. We meet a new villain (Shigeo). The organ’s black market angle is left aside and human trafficking comes into play. Even the genre and tone changes; the final scenes at the Villa seem more like action scenes with characters openly firing guns at each other (The Funeral Home had more of an horror/suspense feel, with Cindy moving around stealthily).

The third act must resolve the main conflict by using the dramatic elements already established earlier in the script. Use the dramatic elements already known by the audience; those are the only tools you have in order to build that big dramatic electrifying ending. The third act is too late to introduce new dramatic elements (i.e. Shigeo). Set-up time ended long ago, it’s time for pay-off.

(MORE)



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Mr.Z  -  September 21st, 2006, 10:09am
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Mr.Z
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(CONT'D)

In my opinion, this story should be resolved with Cindy escaping the Funeral Home, that’s the big dramatic moment. After that, there shouldn’t be much to tell. Maybe the japs could chase her for a bit, like Hostel’s protagonist was chased after escaping Torture-Land, but don’t take Cindy to a new location to face a new danger in hands of a new antagonist.

And yeah, I know that in From Dusk till Dawn, Tarantino turned an crime movie into a vampire flick. But he had an extensive writing credits list before that. And more important: for every successful “rule-breaker” script there is, you can also find a thousand unproduced failures at triggerstreet, zoetrope, etc.

Some small stuff based on notes I made as I read:

P.4 Cindy’s trip from her job to her home was too long and detailed. After “Cindy exits” you can cut right away to the hallway; let the audience fill in the non-dramatic blanks. Maybe we could get a brief glimpse of her entering the train if you want to establish her job was far from home, but not much more seems to be needed.

P.15 I didn’t like Cindy’s “I need to get a job”. It sounded too naïve. An adult doesn’t need to see an empty fridge in order to make that conclusion; I felt like she should have noticed that earlier.

P.24 Cindy meeting Buddy in the same train while heading for the same place for the same job was too coincidental. You can make them meet at the Funeral Home’s Lobby while waiting; that would be more believable.

P.40 And since Cindy risks her life in order to go back to save Buddy, I wonder if you need them to be strangers. Risking one’s life for a stranger is a hard sell to the audience. Couldn’t they be “long time no see” friends instead of total strangers?

P.58 If Mc. Cain tells the japs where is Cindy hiding and they listen, they have to act accordingly instead of ignoring him. If not, it’ll be difficult for me to keep taking these guys seriously.

Some even smaller stuff:

As Mike already mentioned, this one read pretty fast. You’ve got the basics of format and spec writing nailed down. But I think you could do even better.

“INT. OFFICE
The office is cramped and cluttered with assorted papers…”

The primary function of a slugline is to make clear to the reader that all the actions below it take place/refer to this location. So you don’t need to clarify this again in the action lines below.

“INT. OFFICE
Cramped and cluttered with assorted papers…”

We know you’re talking about the office.

“He proceeds to undress"
"Proceeds to reload”

It’s much more direct and visual to describe people doing things than describing people proceeding to do things. Less is always more.

"He undresses."
"Reloads."

As I said, I liked your writing style but it could be a little tighter. Some descriptions contain details that, IMO, are not relevant to the story. Like knowing that the colour of the shirt that the Funeral Home Receptionist’s is wearing is white.

P.33 The phrase “The mortician” is repeated about 15 times in a scene. When describing continuous actions from the same character, you can use “he” or “she” for a quicker read. Some authors don’t even use the “he” after a while. It's better to write:

“Cindy runs along the hallway.

She stops.

Looks back”.

Than:

"Cindy runs along the hallway.

Cindy stops.

Cindy looks back".

Overall, and despite all the previous bitching, I think you did a good job here. Hope this helps.


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James McClung
Posted: September 21st, 2006, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the reads, guys...

Mike...

The air vent is on the floor therefore it can hold Cindy inside. Perhaps I failed to mention that. I'll go back and check. The "dray washcloth" is gone though.

As for the abrupt ending, I'd say it's officially a trademark of my writing. In any case, Cindy's certainly not going to be finishing her book. She's a completely different person at the end of the story and would probably have no interest whatsoever in completing the work from her past life.

mgj...

As I told Mike, the abrupt ending's kind of my thing. I like to end a story when it's over. Sure, I could have Cindy return home (I'm actually not sure at the moment if she would actually do that) but it would probably end up subterfuge. At the end of the script, the "bad guys" are dead, Cindy has escaped, and is a completely different person. That's it. In my book anyway.

I will, however, think about reintroducing Miranda's character. Perhaps I could offer some closure to Cindy's story from that end. Perhaps the police could go investigate the funeral home and find no traces of her or the Yakuza, leaving the whole thing a cold case. I'll think about it.

Jordan...

I'm glad you liked Cindy's character. I thought I'd throw the level-headed character that everyone can relate to to the wind and write a more eccentric one (a weirdo as you said). I had a lot more fun writing her character that way. Plus everyone can relate to finding a job.

Anyway, yeah, the story did end up feeling like three separate ones. The first, a dramedy with some sitcom overtones, the second, balls to the wall horror, and third, crazy Yakuza flick. It's somewhat disorienting I think but I thought it'd be more fun that way, both to write and read (and hopefully view). The transitions are logical in any case so I don't really think there's a problem.

I explained the abrupt ending to the other guys as well if you'd care to know what the deal is with that.

Mr. Z...

I agree with a lot of what you've said. A few things however...

I disagree about getting rid of the book subplot. I actually thought it was very relevant as it's all part of Cindy's character arc. She starts out scraping by on the bare minimum, feeling perfectly happy doing what she loves. Then later, she's introduced to a world based entirely upon money and, more importantly, greed. Cindy is then corrupted by the black market and everything she used to love deteriorates. At the end of the second act, she even says I have no passion. By the third act, she believes the way to make it in the world is to take what you can, even if you have to do bad things to get it, which is why she takes Shigeo's briefcase after killing the Yakuza. She's basically one of them. Even the premise of the book reflects what Cindy goes through in throughout the script.

I also enjoyed the disjointed quality of the script. "Rule breaker" was a good word, I think. Normally, I'd probably try and change the ending but I think all the transitions of genre and whatnot were logical in the context of the story.

Other than that, I'll take your suggests into consideration during the rewrite.


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dogglebe
Posted: September 23rd, 2006, 9:56pm Report to Moderator
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While I thought the story was very good (to a point), James.  With some work, I see this as a very salable script.

The biggest problem I have with this script is that you drag things out.  It wasn't until page thirty, or so, that the story begins.  Thirty pages is obscene!  Most agents and professional script readers will stop reading at page ten.  If you're lucky, you may find someone who'll read the first fifteen.  You won't find an agent who'll read thirty.


SPOILER SPACE!!!


You can trim a lot off this script (through out the script) by eliminating all these little scenes that have nothing to do with the story.  You don't need to show her working in the chemical plant and getting fired and writing a book.  You can start with her looking for work.

The entire part of the story at Yukio's home was ridiculously long.  It was as if you showed Cindy running through every single room of the house.  Why?  It was needless and tiresome padding.

All of page 34 can be removed.  It's kind of funny how you can just pull this page out and most people would even notice.  It would actually be better.

Personally, I think you cut out the entire Japan storyline.  The funeral home story stands on its own.  By making this the entire story, you have a low budget horror script.  By including the whole Japan scenario, you turn it into something else entirely (an expensive something else entirely).

Keep the story simple.

Here's a couple of story problems I have (in the form of questions):

How is it that Cindy, who never held a weapon in her entire life can suddenly take down the yakuza?

Why does Miranda's boss think Cindy is not Smoothie Shack material?  She's extremely friendly, happy and outgoing.  She was perky when she lost her job.  She made friends with Buddy on the subway.  IMHO, she would be perfect for the Smoothie Shack.

Why would the Yakuza set up an illegal organ bank in the United States and then bring the organs to Japan?  I don't think organs would last the trip home.  Why not wouldn't they do it in Japan (or, atleast, Asia).

If I were to write a gorey script, it would be something like the funeral home segment of your story.  Minimal number of victims would mean you get to develop the characters.


My two cents.


Phil

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Mr.Z  -  September 24th, 2006, 7:38am
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James McClung
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Thanks for the read, Phil.

I agree the first act is very slow. I tried to throw in the Yakuza stalking Cindy to make things a little more interesting but perhaps it was downplayed. I'll see what I can do regarding that. I'm already omitting some parts of the first act so I'll definitely take your comments into consideration. I'm not sure about omitting Cindy getting fired though. The way she takes it says something about her character that I don't think you get later. Maybe not. I'll think about it.

I'm rather attached to the Japan storyline. I think if I omitted it, I'd have to omit the Yakuza all together. I thought the idea of the Yakuza going out of their way to get what they considered to be higher quality organs justified their existence (so long as they're correctly preserved BTW) and I never considered that segment to be particularly expensive. Perhaps some of the set pieces would be but I didn't think it was that serious. I In any case, I'd rather tinker with that part of the story rather than omit it entirely. I don't think I'm ready to do that, as I don't have a backup plan, and, personally, I'd rather not. As for Cindy taking down the Yakuza, I tried to show her being as inexperienced as possible in regards to weapons. She constantly misfiring and her swordsmanship is nonexistent. I saw her resillience being a combination of luck and surprise rather than actual skill, of which she has none.

In any case, I'll certainly be taking your comments into consideration for the rewrite. I'm starting to think there's a fair share of needless subterfuge scattered throughout the current draft which I hope to cut down.

Thanks again for the read.


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michel
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Quoted from dogglebe
Why would the Yakuza set up an illegal organ bank in the United States and then bring the organs to Japan?  I don't think organs would last the trip home.  Why not wouldn't they do it in Japan (or, atleast, Asia).


Hi James,

I totally agree with Phil on that point. I would be simple to have a twist kinda we all think Cindy's in Japan and when she finally escapes she realizes she's in the USA.

Another thing. I fear there are too many Japanese lines and the basic spectator could be tired reading all this. Why doesn't Cindy could understand them all (and pretends she doesn't)? Maybe she had Japanese lessons or could be interested in all the Japan stuff. Maybe you can rely all that to the book she tries to write at the beginning.

You have here a good basis for a bankable story. Try to condense the first part and link tighter the secund and the third.

Hope I've been helpful

Michel


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James, have you actually researched organ harvesting at all?  How long would the parts stay 'fresh?'  Between travel time and tissue testing, I imagine they would get pretty old.

As much as you may like using the yakuza, I think it ruins a good story.


Phil
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James McClung
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Quoted from dogglebe
James, have you actually researched organ harvesting at all?  How long would the parts stay 'fresh?'  Between travel time and tissue testing, I imagine they would get pretty old.

As much as you may like using the yakuza, I think it ruins a good story.


Phil


I did research organ harvesting. Perhaps not so much the transport of organs but they are transported nationwide, which leads me to assume that they're conditioned to last lengthy trips. Perhaps Japan is a little longer (understatement, I know) but even so, they're most certainly ways of preserving organs so that they last long term.

I'll give it some more research in any case. I'm not giving with out a fight. If I do indeed have to end up cutting out the Yakuza, that's about half a script gone, not to mention anything else I'd be cutting out in the rewrite. Needless to say, omitting them would leave me with the biggest scriptwriting mess I think I'll ever have had to face.



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Quoted from James McClung
I did research organ harvesting. Perhaps not so much the transport of organs but they are transported nationwide, which leads me to assume that they're conditioned to last lengthy trips. Perhaps Japan is a little longer (understatement, I know) but even so, they're most certainly ways of preserving organs so that they last long term.


You probably researched hospitals transporting organs through optimal conditions.  Maybe even hooking them up to machines to keep them fresh.  I don't think the Yakuza is that sophisticated an operation.  Also, since it is illegal for them, they would have to take the long way to dodge the authorites.



Quoted from James McClung
I'll give it some more research in any case. I'm not giving with out a fight. If I do indeed have to end up cutting out the Yakuza, that's about half a script gone, not to mention anything else I'd be cutting out in the rewrite. Needless to say, omitting them would leave me with the biggest scriptwriting mess I think I'll ever have had to face.


Make the funeral home scene more suspenseful and less Benny Hill chase scene.  Catch the mood of Cindy's predicament.  That's your story.


Phil
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tomson
Posted: September 25th, 2006, 7:47pm Report to Moderator
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James,

Awesome job!

You are one of my favorite young writers here. This also happens to be the kind of story I like. The gore was especially nice, but your action writing was excellent too.

Today is one of those b**** days though that us women have periodically, so don’t take it personally because this review isn’t all lovey dovey, praise praise. I’m trying to be honest and helpful though.

SPOILERS:

I LOVED the very first scene! Nice way to start a movie!

Why are a bunch of new people being hired, yet Cindy’s being fired?

I honestly think that the whole Miranda and Cyndi part doesn’t lead anywhere. Okay, I understand that Cyndi is different and she needs to find a new job, but Miranda, the feverish book-writing and so on doesn’t lead to anywhere.

I was also wondering how the three Japanese guys was checking out Cyndi already. How did they find her, how do they already know she needs a job, why was she singled out? Is it from just overhearing the conversation? If so, it seems very convenient. Do they just hang around café’s looking for potential “donors”?

The first “act” is too slow. Nicely written as it is, it doesn’t really have much to do with what’s coming next. The second “act” was my favorite. You did a really, really nice job with it!

I really don’t have too much to say about the middle part. I really dug it! I liked how she takes care of Buddy and the gore was just right. I read this Saturday and in my notes I wrote “Nasty!! I LOVE IT!”. Yeah, I’m weird, so what.

A few thoughts:
They don’t want to use Cyndi’s lungs because she smokes, but what about the other involuntary donors? Do they do health check-ups on them first? I think organ donations are quite specific where a donor and receiver are matched up before hand. In other words they need to be checked for matchability and therefore extensive check-ups are needed.

When Buddy and Cindy are in the drawers we can apparently see what they are doing. How is this possible when the drawers are shut? Is there light inside?

McCain can also hear Buddy’s sigh of relief while he is in the drawer. I understand that it echoes, but still…a sigh isn’t the same as a scream, they’re usually pretty quiet and I find it hard to believe that McCain can hear it.

Cindy kills Kentaro with a pen. I know she’s a writer, but still……

Your third “act” was my second favorite part. You wrote the whole thing very well. However, as nice as the action and the writing was, it went on for too long. I’ve read somewhere that the audience can only stay on the edge of their seat for so long until they get bored. I can’t remember the exact amount of time right now, but it’s the same reason why roller coasters don’t last more than a certain amount of time. Apparently our bodies can only be “excited” for so long until we run out of adrenaline. Seems like 6 minutes comes to mind, but I could be wrong. What happens is that we can’t sustain that high level of intenseness longer than that and we start to feel immune or insensitive to it.

Your third act is very well done, but IMHO you must break it up with moments where we can relax and regain our (f*** hate when I can’t think of the word)….

I also thought you missed a great opportunity to use that nice little torture room.

Lastly I did wonder why those Japanese wanted American organs when Asia is full of billions of people and in a lot of the countries there, life is not as precious as it is here. Seems to me they would’ve been better off finding “donors” there, if only for logistics (but once you slice up a person you can't tell where they come from. We all look the same underneath. Attend an autopsy and you'll know what I mean). China for example does this already with some of their prisoners and they are in desperate need of hard currency.  

Anyway,

I really LIKED it. Fix a few problems and I can see this as a sellable script.

Pia  
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