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Stereotypes (currently 2536 views) |
Don |
Posted: September 17th, 2006, 2:51pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16426 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Stereotypes by Helio J Corderio - Short - Stereotypes are serious matter and have to be discussed. 1 page - pdf, format |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Zombie Sean |
Posted: September 17th, 2006, 3:04pm |
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Old Timer
LocationColorado Posts1547 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
Hey, Helio, I really didn't understand what was happening in here (besides people talking about racial remarks comring from stereotypes or something) but knowing you, it probably has to do with something very weird or demented or whatever.
Anyways, since this is one page, maybe you could build up on it or something, see what you come out with.
Sean |
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Reply: 1 - 19 |
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darthbrion |
Posted: September 17th, 2006, 3:42pm |
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New I'm seriously troubled.....
LocationTulsa, Oklahoma Posts132 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Wow when they said short....It was short.
What can you say about one page?
I didn't like it man. I saw no point in it and it seemed like a deleted scene from another story maybe.
lol I dunno ... A sure fire "WTF" kinda story. |
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Reply: 2 - 19 |
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James McClung |
Posted: September 17th, 2006, 4:02pm |
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Of The Ancients
LocationWashington, D.C. Posts3293 Posts Per Day 0.48 |
???
Didn't get this one at all. Were this more than one page long, I might have said it was close to borderline social commentary but as is, it seems like people talking about stereotypes without making any clear points or solid arguments. I'd suggest you expand this into something bigger but this doesn't seem to be the basis for any story whatsoever. It hardly passes for a scene as is.
Sorry buddy. I didn't like this one at all. No worries though. I still like your stuff. Better luck next time... |
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Reply: 3 - 19 |
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dogglebe |
Posted: September 18th, 2006, 3:04pm |
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Guest User
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This was an interesting nugget of irony.
I don't understand how the others didn't get it. Not every story has to be an epic.
Phil |
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Reply: 4 - 19 |
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Mr.Z |
Posted: September 18th, 2006, 3:31pm |
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Been Around
LocationBuenos Aires - Argentina Posts743 Posts Per Day 0.11 |
I got it. It feels more than a quick joke told in script format than a story, though. That's why I didn't like it very much.
In my opinion, the concept has not enough legs to write a script around it, even a short; the page count might be taken as an indicator of this.
But I wouldn't bust you about the execution. I think this page conveys the point you wanted to make. In fact, it reminds me of a joke I heard long ago:
Guy on phone: Hi. Is this the Ministry of Education? Voice: Yeah. What the fuck do you want? |
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Reply: 5 - 19 |
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Martin |
Posted: September 18th, 2006, 5:08pm |
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Been Around
LocationFrankfurt, Germany Posts607 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
Hey Helio,
This is a little on the short side, and a little lacking in story. It almost feels like this might be the beginning of series of sketches dealing with stereotypes. It seems a bit underdeveloped in its current state. Maybe you should put together a few of these micro shorts in an anthology tied together with a common theme. |
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Alex J. Cooper |
Posted: September 19th, 2006, 8:05am |
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New
LocationAustralia Posts316 Posts Per Day 0.05 |
Irony. Short script, short comment. |
| Shorts: I Named Him Thor Footloose, Cut Loose Tainted Milk Marshmallows Confucius & The Quest For Nessie Wondrous Presentation |
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Reply: 7 - 19 |
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michel |
Posted: September 20th, 2006, 1:28am |
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Old Timer
LocationFrance Posts1156 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
Funny paradoxal story. It feels more than a joke than anything. However, I wish it could be longer. Anyway, mon ami, I liked it. Michel |
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rpedro |
Posted: September 20th, 2006, 3:40am |
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LocationBelgium Posts84 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
liked it!
was more of a short joke.
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| Scripts : - Hot Road (short) - The Mirror (short) - Listen Up (short) - Dawn (short) - One Day (short) - Steal (short)
Pedro Chaves
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chism |
Posted: September 20th, 2006, 5:36am |
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Posts1053 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
I have absolutely no idea why the hell you wrote this script.
I did not like it at all. There was just absolutely no point to it at all.
Cheers, Chism. |
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Parker |
Posted: September 20th, 2006, 12:16pm |
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New Yes
LocationEngland Posts278 Posts Per Day 0.04 |
This was like a tiny little scetch or like someone already said, a deleted scene from a film... a good one though. One page, you can't not read a one page. Sadly, it's not the best one pager I've read... I've only read 2 but the other was just a long piece of great description writing. This was still good, however. Nice one Helio. |
| I may be an idiot, but I'm no idiot. |
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Vaughn |
Posted: September 20th, 2006, 12:30pm |
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LocationEngland Posts38 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
I can eat bite size pizza and still love the taste, no matter how big it is. Problem with this 1 page pizza is that it tastes rancid. This analogy has fallen at the first hurdle.
If a story is one page, it better be a damn good one page. Insightful, moving, funny....something. This is nothing. Maybe it would make sense if it was written better, but it's not.
I liked Mr.Z's joke better, and that was a short 2 lines and wasted about 79% less of my time. |
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Reply: 12 - 19 |
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tomson |
Posted: September 20th, 2006, 7:42pm |
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Helio, Social commentary’s always good and you managed to speak from both sides in just one page. You call them African-Americans, but in the following dialogue you use the word Mum. That’s British, not American. What you have here is Blacks (yes, it’s still okay to call them that) complaining about the racist white man, therefore contradicting themselves as racists too. This of course goes on all the time, but it can not be put in reverse roles, because then you are seen as a racist……….. JOE Yeah. What those mother fuckers know about the fucking black people, huh? I'll read your other one tomorrow |
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spencerforhire |
Posted: September 22nd, 2006, 1:28pm |
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New Write NOW! Perfect LATER!
LocationSnohomish, WA Posts206 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
Yea Helio -- I got it. It was a statement of ethic proportion. Ha Ha!
Hey, buddy, you could really tighten up your writing. Here is an example. In the very first opening description you tell us we are in a poor neighborhood. Notice just above that in the setting... EXT. POOR NEIGHBORHOOD. To much. Go back and try to slim your descriptions. As a matter of fact... this ultra short could have had one solid scene description then all dialogue.
Make it zing. I'm back and I'll take a look at the material you sent me a few weeks ago.
Spencer "For Hire" McDonald |
| I got nothing. |
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