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Predator (currently 1772 views) |
Don |
Posted: September 24th, 2006, 9:47pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Predator by Brion (darthbrion) - Short - A pedophile uses the Internet to hunt for new victims. In cyberspace, no one is who they say they are. (strong language, strong sexual content, violence) 15 pages - pdf, format |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Zombie Sean |
Posted: September 24th, 2006, 10:16pm |
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Old Timer
LocationColorado Posts1547 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
Got a nice little review here for you, Brion.
>When I saw the title, I thought this was a rewrite of the movie 'Predator' with Arnold Govenator of California. But I read the logline and I was wrong.
>The dialogue is good and your descriptions are nice and easy to read.
>This kind of gave me the chills as I was reading and I'm glad I wasn't Alex...Ouch!
>I was surprised that I didn't see much or any spelling or grammar errors.
There wasn't really anything that bothered me or I didn't see anything wrong. Good job!
Sean |
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Reply: 1 - 18 |
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Shelton |
Posted: September 24th, 2006, 10:49pm |
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Of The Ancients
LocationChicago Posts3292 Posts Per Day 0.49 |
Hey Brion,
Doing the type as I read thing, so take what you can use and disregard the rest.
CONTAINS SPOILERS
First off, I think you've done a good job on the opening here, particularly in portraying Alex as a creep.
Ok, moving onward to the IM discussion. You have "princess" being hesitant about anal because she's never done it before, but a few lines down it becomes apparent that she hasn't done anything before. Maybe switch it around and have her just "thinking about it".
And at the end of the scene he's ultra creepy. The family thing is a nice touch.
Getting into the torture sequence, I think you substitute the ear thing with something else. You may end up drawing a lot of Reservoir Dogs comparisons. Maybe just a nice cut across the face or something. Have the girl bring the box over first, and he cuts him with a utility knife. I like the hammer thing though.
I was wondering about the police thing at first, but I'm glad you added them saying somethign about twenty four hours.
And lastly, why did you end it so abruptly? I honestly thought there was going to be somethign on there about the kid finding some emails or something, but when I went to scroll down it was over.
Anyway, this is a pretty decent idea. I remember hearing about a movie called Hard Candy that came out earlier this year and covered this subject matter, but I havent seen it so I don't know exactly what happens there.
I think if you were so inclined you could turn this into a feature actually. You could have the kid find some emails, and it starts a trail that puts the cops on a search, leading them to the girl, Jake and Aaron who are taking out more pedophiles, and as the cops close in, they're not really sure if they want to catch them. the are taking out pedophiles after all. Just something to mull over.
Anyway, this was a solid effort. Nice job. |
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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin |
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Reply: 2 - 18 |
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darthbrion |
Posted: September 25th, 2006, 1:09am |
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New I'm seriously troubled.....
LocationTulsa, Oklahoma Posts132 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
First off thanks to both Zombie Sean & Mike Shelton for taking the time to read and review my opus. Mike you're totally right about the Reservoir Dogs thing. It never even crossed my mind until you mentioned it ~ D'oh! As far as endings go...I got stumped. It's only now after that I've posted it that I have an idea or two I'd like to toss in there to give it a more proper ending. Again thanks for the read and review guys! |
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Reply: 3 - 18 |
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dogglebe |
Posted: September 25th, 2006, 9:30pm |
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Guest User
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SPOILER SPACE
I think this story would work better if it was a little longer. You rushed the whole torture scene. Make it more suspenseful and less painful.
It would also improve the story if you held off on why the three were torturing Alex. Leave us guessing for a while.
Phil |
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Reply: 4 - 18 |
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darthbrion |
Posted: September 25th, 2006, 11:52pm |
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New I'm seriously troubled.....
LocationTulsa, Oklahoma Posts132 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Hey thanks for the feedback Phil I appreciate it. I like the idea of maybe leaving more to the imagination (for example the torture scene) I could probably make it a little longer but I struggle with full length scripts |
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Reply: 5 - 18 |
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dogglebe |
Posted: September 26th, 2006, 7:53am |
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Guest User
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You can trim the first scene down. We don't need to see the guy getting on AOL. Show him already online. Short his e-conversation a little bit. That's just the prologue to the story.
Phil |
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Reply: 6 - 18 |
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rpedro |
Posted: September 26th, 2006, 8:14am |
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LocationBelgium Posts84 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
great job darthbrion,
I agree to what phil says! follow his holy advice! ^^ |
| Scripts : - Hot Road (short) - The Mirror (short) - Listen Up (short) - Dawn (short) - One Day (short) - Steal (short)
Pedro Chaves
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Reply: 7 - 18 |
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-Ben- |
Posted: September 26th, 2006, 9:26pm |
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New Stop reading this and look above!
LocationNunya Posts397 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
This is very similar to Hard Candy. Just some advice. |
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Reply: 8 - 18 |
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-Ben- |
Posted: September 26th, 2006, 9:46pm |
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New Stop reading this and look above!
LocationNunya Posts397 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
Hey Darth, I thought I might read this instead of Refuge.
SPOILERS The opening scene with Alex masturbating is a bit much. A minute later, you portray him as having a family. I dunno, something about the way you write it made me thnik he was an "alright guy" but just have a fetsih for young people. But still, he is very creepy.
You have no defined bad guy. Is Alex the bad guy, or is Aaron and the other the bd guys? But I guess it still works.
When Alex's son logs on, what are you suggesting? That he is a pedophile (ha) or he is gonig to find his dad's account?
Overall, very good and creepy, despite connections to film Hard Candy. |
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Reply: 9 - 18 |
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darthbrion |
Posted: September 27th, 2006, 1:26pm |
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New I'm seriously troubled.....
LocationTulsa, Oklahoma Posts132 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
lol I still haven't seen Hard Candy. It must be good because it's always checked out when I go to rent it. Thanks to Bigwhoop & rpedro for reading my short as always I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read something I've posted. For Bigwhoop - I think I did this short to show that in todays world there isn't a lot of nice people out there. Look at the dozen or so MNSBC specials that have aired about child predators. I think what I was trying to get across at the end with his son on the computer is that even though it was used for evil means by the father, no one knew it. Well...That and I found myself stumpd at the end lol again thanks to everyone who has read this and offered their great advice! |
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Reply: 10 - 18 |
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darthbrion |
Posted: September 28th, 2006, 12:56am |
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New I'm seriously troubled.....
LocationTulsa, Oklahoma Posts132 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Okay I've finally seen "Hard Candy" and I can see where you're coming from Bigwhoop. There are some definite similarities between the two that I would have to work on should I do a rewrite. I will say that the trauma the guy went through in "Hard Candy" was a lot worse than Alex did in mine lol Thanks for the heads up on the movie. (why are all the good ideas already taken? ) |
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Reply: 11 - 18 |
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Alan_Summers |
Posted: September 29th, 2006, 4:54am |
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Hi there.
New member here. I've been reading alot of your scripts, Im reading some nice stuff.
This one in particular was very enjoyable. Your main character was very creepy and the son interupting him was a very nice touch. I just really wish the ending was a bit more eventful or something actually happened.
A very nice effort though.
Alan. |
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Reply: 12 - 18 |
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Bojangles |
Posted: September 29th, 2006, 9:03am |
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New
LocationPoland Posts54 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
Hello there, darthbrion...
So basically, I didn't like this script. That doesn't mean it wasn't well written, it just means that I personally didn't like it. From a writer's standpoint, you have a pretty good script on your hands.
There are a few spots where your grammar and spelling is off, but other than that it is solid as ice.
Your story is pretty good, but I don't like how it ended.
What happened to Alex? Did they find the body? Did they arrest the girl, her brother, and Aaron?
The formatting is good too. Keep up the good work, and maybe we will see a rewrite of this in the future. |
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Reply: 13 - 18 |
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darthbrion |
Posted: September 29th, 2006, 1:25pm |
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New I'm seriously troubled.....
LocationTulsa, Oklahoma Posts132 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
hey thanks to both Bojangles & Alan for reading and reviewing my short. Sorry you didn't like it Bojangles, maybe my next one will be more to your liking As far as my ending goes, I see how it's really hurt my short. Everyone has mentioned it. I think that should I ever get stumped with an ending to a story again I'll ask someone for advice before posting lol |
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Reply: 14 - 18 |
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