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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  General Incredulity Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 28th, 2006, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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General Incredulity by Helio J Cordeiro - Short - Accidents happen, but not necessary with one damage to claim on the insurance company. 4 pages - pdf, format


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tomson
Posted: September 28th, 2006, 9:02pm Report to Moderator
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Helio,

That was sad!

SPOILERS:

If that was your aim, maybe you should describe the characters a little more for maximum effect, especially the little boy fishing.

Pia

PS. I do read quite often in the news about little kids getting into cars, messing around and before you know it someone gets hurt.
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RobertSpence
Posted: September 30th, 2006, 11:33am Report to Moderator
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Sorry, I didn't like that at all. I take it you're foreign or something coz there was a lot i couldn't make out.


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Mate-ing

Short Comedy 11 pages

https://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/Mate-ingPilotdraft.pdf/


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Short Comedy/Drama 20 pages

[url]https://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/TheBreak-UpChroniclesbyRo
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The boy who could fly
Posted: September 30th, 2006, 11:43am Report to Moderator
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well this was an interesting script, but then again all your scripts are

I liked how the guy's name was Vader and wears a black coat, was that a star wars reference?

Anyways this was a sad one, I think it should be drawn out a little more, everything seemed to happen too fast, and I think the characters seemed a bit flat.

I liked the idea and the ending is powerful, just needs to be fleshed out more.

anyways it was pretty good.  Keep it up


Quoted from RobertSpence
I take it you're foreign or something


On the Internet we are all foreign



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spencerforhire
Posted: September 30th, 2006, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
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Write NOW! Perfect LATER!

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Helio

This was a somewhat sad story. I say somewhat because I just wasn't attached to the character fishing. I had no connection and didn't really care what happened to him.

Tell us why he is fishing. Is he there because his father just came home drunk again and started beating his mom and he  uses fishing as an escape. Is he there because he hates fish in general and wants to catch as many as possible just to pull them out of the water and away from their air source to watch them suffer and die. Is he there because he and his dad are avid fishermen and wants to impress his dad with how many fish he has been able to catch in such a short time. Do you get the idea?

I do love reading all of your scripts. You are a talented and creative writer. Keep writing and growing. I will keep trying to battle my lack of writing.

Helio -- I see a lot of your short short scripts as simple scenes that may lead to many other lengthy works. You have done that with your upcoming CAB'S TALES. Those are going to be most excellent. Tale this simple 4 pager and take time to rewrite it so that we get to know the boy fishing better. Give him a flaw. Get us to know him, like him, and care about what is about to happen to him. In the next scene ask yourself after he gets flattened what will happen next and write it. Soon you will have first draft feature length, then the rewriting can begin.

Spencer "For Hire" McDonald


I got nothing.  
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RobertSpence
Posted: September 30th, 2006, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
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lol well sorry i understand we are all foreign. What i meant to say was english may not be a first language.


Produced Films
https://vimeo.com/user144725476

Scripts

Mate-ing

Short Comedy 11 pages

https://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/Mate-ingPilotdraft.pdf/


The Break-Up Chronicles


Short Comedy/Drama 20 pages

[url]https://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/TheBreak-UpChroniclesbyRo
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CindyLKeller
Posted: October 1st, 2006, 8:09am Report to Moderator
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Hi helio,

I read this one twice before commenting on it.

This script has a couple good twists for being so short, but I agree with spencerforhire about showing more about the fishing boy.
I think it wouldn't hurt to show the crane operator working earlier on, too.

Interesting for three pages though.  

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Lee
Posted: October 2nd, 2006, 4:01am Report to Moderator
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Hello Helio,
I read your script, let me say good job.
First I was thrown in by the title, which I not sure what that mean until I readed the sript. I think there should be more at the end, after the boy got killed, but that just me.
good job.






Lee,
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Alex J. Cooper
Posted: October 2nd, 2006, 5:00am Report to Moderator
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I'm not sure if I liked this, I would of liked to see a mention of the kid fishing before the car fell on him.


Shorts:
I Named Him Thor
Footloose, Cut Loose
Tainted Milk
Marshmallows
Confucius & The Quest For Nessie
Wondrous Presentation
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dogglebe
Posted: October 2nd, 2006, 7:59am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RobertSpence
lol well sorry i understand we are all foreign. What i meant to say was english may not be a first language.



There are a handful of members, here, who know English as a second language, Helio, Michel and Bert are a few of them.  We learn to overlook the 'mistranslations' for these people.  For those of us who know English, we are not as forgiving.


Phil

Revision History (1 edits)
dogglebe  -  October 2nd, 2006, 8:09am
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Helio
Posted: October 3rd, 2006, 8:07am Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Hey guys thanks for the reading.

May be you are right about to say something about the boy past in order we can be next to him...Anyway, I appreciated you comments they are useful anytime.
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George Willson
Posted: October 3rd, 2006, 11:16am Report to Moderator
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This is one of those that took me a few of reads to fully understand, and it's not all the language barrier either.  Here's what I understood on the first read: a guy goes inside and leaves the keys in the car. The kid drives the car off a cliff. A crane is picking the car up and the kid survived, but as the car nears the top, the crane loses it and it falls on another kid who is fishing. This not making a lot of sense to me, I read it a few more times, and caught the real story. This just means the basic story is unclear on an initial read. This is due to a lack of adequate description and poorly developed characters. The skeleton of the short is there. You just have to build around it.


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Helio
Posted: October 3rd, 2006, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Thanks GW.

Well I'd rewritten it twice thinking that I'd make it understandble. Why? Because in my understand, the readers would think that when they saw Mr Vader leaving the kyes in the car and they listened to the sound of crash could understand that the car fell the clif with the boy inside, but in reality the boy had get out before the crane had hit it down the clif (the crane driver says I'm sorry!). So I didn't enough to make that scene clear.

Anyway, I'm sorry it doesn't make any sense for you, and you know your comments are welcome ever!
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michel
Posted: October 5th, 2006, 1:13am Report to Moderator
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Mon ami Helio,

sorry, but this time I don't buy it. Where has gone craziness and your peculiar universe? This story is cruel in spite of the joke name. Carl (Darth?) Vader.

People generally don't agree when you kill a child in amovie. Hitchcock did it once and regretted it.

The title should rather be "Fatalitas".

Anyway, all this is just my (very) humble opinion.

Next time, you'll hit it.

Michel


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Helio
Posted: October 5th, 2006, 8:12am Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Thanks Michel. I know that is very hard to see a child death, but accidents happen. What we all need are not to be in the wrong place in the wrong time.

By the way, I was blemed once when I killed a little pig on the western script STORMVILLE. There you can see how I was so cruel with that little inocent Suidae.
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