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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Daisy Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: October 6th, 2006, 6:55am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Daisy by Sean Elwood (thedeadwalk2nite) - Short, Drama -  Parker meets up with his old high school date, Daisy. But a day after, they realize that something has gone wrong, and they ask themselves, do they really exist at all? 20 pages - pdf, format


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Alex J. Cooper
Posted: October 6th, 2006, 8:47am Report to Moderator
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A bit of a Lovey Dovey story there. It was fairly good concept except the logic was a bit outta whack. Like i've always asked myself since the first time i saw Sixth Sense, "How can he not notice he's dead".

As for the story and formatting. The story was good but maybe there should be more proof than just the obituaries. Example; Daisy enters her appartment and finds all her belongings in boxes.

The formatting was solid. Good job.


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darthbrion
Posted: October 6th, 2006, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
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The Zombie Man writing a love story!  

* SPOILERS *

* As always your writing and formatting was top notch sir.
* As Ape mentioned, and I agree it seemed to me that they would have known that they were dead.  Plus a few things seemed outta wack, like if no one was returning their calls for "months" wouldn't that make someone go hmmmmmmm?
* The ending was kinda a Hallmark moment but it was good.  I liked the lady finding the diary (although why was her stuff still laying around?)
* Another fun read from you as always man!  
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Zombie Sean
Posted: October 6th, 2006, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the feedback, you guys.

I had an alternate ending for this strory, sort of, and it was going to be like Parker leaving a message for his mom, and the message only comes out to be like static with each word being cut out except for "I Love You," but that would have been a little like White Noise.

And for the phone call thingy, I tried to make it to where the audience kind of got a hint of the "hmmmmm?" thing, without the characters knowing.

As for the Sixth Sense deal, we know that when someone dies, they don't know they're dead until something happens to show that they are dead. That's the reason why they thought they were living lives alive, but saw themselves in the obituaries afterwards. And for the taxi part too...

I guess I should describe the last scene with the lady in the diary, like already have some boxes in the room, and the lady could be dressed in all black like she had just came from the funeral. And I've never seen "Hallmark" before.

Thanks again. This was my first try at a straight forward drama/love story. Even though there is plenty of drama in zombie movies...

Sean


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huckleberry
Posted: October 7th, 2006, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
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Zombie Sean,
  How'd Daisy die?  Did she kill herself? Did they die together?  Great story, I just need some clarification. Not because it wasn't explained well enough, I just drink a lot and am mildly retarded.  Thanks.
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Zombie Sean
Posted: October 7th, 2006, 11:11pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from huckleberry
How'd Daisy die?


That's for the audience to decide...

Sean


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rjw8625
Posted: October 10th, 2006, 8:11pm Report to Moderator
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Sean,

Not sure what kind of feedback you're looking for.  I nitpick sometimes.  Take my observations with a grain of salt.

Pg. 3 - DAISY says 'Same to you'  To me that's clunky dialogue.  Same to you is something you say when wished good luck.  Maybe 'Neither have you' would work better.

Pg. 4 - I'd move 'for sure' to the end of '...married after college...'

This is a case where I wish I hadn't read the logline.  It kind of gave away the fact that they were both dead when I got to the part about phone calls.  For some reason the taxis blasting by him earlier didn't do it, so that was well done!

Not sure how he's able to open doors or feed cats after death...

Very long setup, may be able to be tightened up, but I like how you raised the level of urgency with the distraught phone call.

The Daisy line on Page 10 about Grandma and the wishes doesn't flow.  Maybe 'the only way to get into heaven is having your biggest wish come true?'

The Parker line about why he hadn't gone out with anyone, besides Jessica is just too contradictory for me.  What might be more emotional would be him revealing that he purposefully avoided her because he was ashamed of the real reason they broke up, something she never knew, and that he never stopped thinking about her.

On the whole, it ALMOST works.  Seems very producable as well.  Has any low budget group offered to pick it up?

Anyway, 'Hallmark' isn't one film, but a Greeting Card company who produces projects with similar themes.  Many are christmas specials.  The one with Gary Sinise and Joely Richardson I liked, though they have a tendency to be very sappy.

-Bob


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Can Grab - (Short)

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Zombie Sean
Posted: October 10th, 2006, 9:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hey RJ, thanks for the review.


Quoted Text
Not sure how he's able to open doors or feed cats after death...


He's like one of the Sixth Sense ghost...Except he can see other dead people (well, Daisy so far) and he is able to open doors and other stuffs...Nobody just notices...


Quoted Text
The Daisy line on Page 10 about Grandma and the wishes doesn't flow.  Maybe 'the only way to get into heaven is having your biggest wish come true?'


Hmm...If she says it without the "My grandma told me that..." would seem kind of odd...Maybe I could add in a, "I used to think that..."?


Quoted Text
The Parker line about why he hadn't gone out with anyone, besides Jessica is just too contradictory for me.  What might be more emotional would be him revealing that he purposefully avoided her because he was ashamed of the real reason they broke up, something she never knew, and that he never stopped thinking about her.


So are you sort of saying that he could of faked the relationship between him and Jessica to trick Daisy, though he was really thinking of her the entire time?


Quoted Text
On the whole, it ALMOST works.  Seems very producable as well.  Has any low budget group offered to pick it up?


Nope. This one would be good to film, and I did have an offer on another one of my scripts, but, unfortunately, I responded too late...The person was a student filmer with no budget and wanted to do it for a film festival...But he said that he might come back and check it out, and if someone hadn't produced it yet or whatever, he might do it!


Quoted Text
Anyway, 'Hallmark' isn't one film, but a Greeting Card company who produces projects with similar themes.  Many are christmas specials.  The one with Gary Sinise and Joely Richardson I liked, though they have a tendency to be very sappy.


Yeah I saw the channel Hallmark on my TV Guide channel (yes, that's probably the most watched channel I...watch) and I was like, "Hmmm...Could that be what Brion was talking about?" But I didn't really give it much thought.

But thanks for the comments. I appreciate it.

Sean


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rjw8625
Posted: October 11th, 2006, 7:28am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zombie Sean


Hmm...If she says it without the "My grandma told me that..." would seem kind of odd...Maybe I could add in a, "I used to think that..."?



Oh no, I'm not saying that, I should have included ellipses.  That would be the end of the line.  That fact that her grandmother told her is good.


Quoted from Zombie Sean


So are you sort of saying that he could of faked the relationship between him and Jessica to trick Daisy, though he was really thinking of her the entire time?



No.  It was just that its that line was odd.  I never dated anyone else, besides Jessica.  Already he has contradicted himself.  I'm not saying he faked it, maybe he just wasn't into it all the way like he was with Daisy?

Maybe in a couple months when I get my camera, I will revisit this.  




My scripts

Can Grab - (Short)

In Development

Logan St. - Feature length Drama examining the collegiate life.

Fortnight - Short drama chronicling two weeks in the personal and professional life of a young woman.

Film Projects

Carving Dragon Productions
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