Casino (sorry Mr. Scorsese) by Michel J. Duthin - Short - How to play roulette... and win… 4 pages - pdf, format

Hi Michel,

THis was different, but it did make me laugh and I think that's what you were aiming for.  There really wasn't much of a plot or any character development  but it was kinda cute in a weird way.  Really don't know what else to add.  Keep up the writing.

Michel

Very imaginative script. Should be titled "An Eye Candy Fucking". I liked it. My mind kept looking for her tit and hoping the other one would be needed as she lost the first chance at roulette and would need a complete rack to win and take away even more cash as other gamblers jumped up to the table to play with a topless chick. This could be a dazzling opener to a feature length.

Spencer "For Hire" McDonald

This was a tad bizarre script but clever at the same time. The phrase "lucky tit" is somewhat laughable but, as your logline suggested, it did win Toni the game. Don't really know what else to say seeing as the script is only four pages long. This is one of those scripts that makes you go WTF? but, unlike most scripts of that nature, this one had a payoff and that's definitely a good thing. The only thing I didn't like about the script was the lack of references to Scorsese's masterpiece, which happens to be one of my favorite films of all time.

I think it's fair to say good job, Michel.

Michel,
  
  I kind of wish it were a prelude to a longer story.  It was clever and easily visualized (due in no small part to the fact that there were boobs in it). So very cool, but I wished it were the start of an actual story. Look forward to more stories and more boobs.  
Also, comment on my first short called William's Well.  I need help... I'm very new at this. Thanks.

Wehay Michel this was a bloody good short short script, probably because of the boob or the classic ending. But probably more of a joke than a script.

Hey Michel, I have a few words for you.

Pretty Damn Funny.

I don't have any bad criticism about your script, so I guess it is perfect. Unless there is something I'm missing. A script can never be perfect, so you are bloody close. : )

Excellent job.

Quoted from James McClung The only thing I didn't like about the script was the lack of references to Scorsese's masterpiece, which happens to be one of my favorite films of all time.

The only MS reference is the title joke.

Thanks to everyone. In fact, I had that idea in head and couldn't resist to lay it down on paper. I wasn't sure the "tit factor" would be bought considering what happened last year with Janet Jackson syndrome. For once, I didn't try to leave a message, I just wanted to have fun and share it with you all.

Michel

PS: this should the first episod of a series of shorts about Toni, kind of Toni's Chronicles.

Hey this script was pretty funny. I would give it a try next time, but I'm afraid I don't have a fantastic set of breasts under my shirt. Not the last time I looked at any rate. Anyway, I had a good laugh at this one.

Don't understand the Scorsese reference though. It has nothing to do with the movie Casino. Is it because you stole his title? If so, you could have just named it Roulette. Or Tit. That would have been an attractive tit-le. Huh? Nice little play on words there, aye. Okay, fine it was lame. But anyway, the Tit of the. . . name of the script could have attracted a large audience of readers. Particularly straight men, and some not so straight women as well.

Overall, a funny script. Had the one laugh, but it was a big laugh. This could be excellent if it were filmed. Got a camera, a casino and an attractive woman willing to expose her breast on film handy, Michel? If so, I'd get on that right away.


Cheers, Chism.

Hm, not bad. Short but complete. I will comment, however, that while Toni does make the request to take out her "lucky tit," the description never actually states she does. Being that was the point of the short, I looked back and forth for when it happened, and you forgot that bit of description. Granted, we know it came out at some point since you reference it, but need to know how she does it...as goofy as that sounds.

However, it was an amusing short, and I think you're getting the hang of what you can do with a short. Hope you have something lined up for the one week thing.

Quoted from George Willson I will comment, however, that while Toni does make the request to take out her "lucky tit," the description never actually states she does. Being that was the point of the short, I looked back and forth for when it happened, and you forgot that bit of description. Granted, we know it came out at some point since you reference it, but need to know how she does it...as goofy as that sounds.

I did it on purpose. The fact Toni takes her tit out, IMO, should be more suggerated on screen than shown. Of course, I could show off but the story is more for fun than anything else. Of course, if everybody wants some tit, I can rewrite it. But I like it this way.

Michel

So, I read the discussion and knew exactly what I was getting into.  But it was the discussion that compelled me to have a look.  I like…well, you know.

From your opening paragraph:  “Everybody is staring at her.”

Change that to “Everybody stares at her.”  Remember to avoid those “ing” words when you can.  It reads tighter without them.

George is right.  You need to describe her pulling out the lucky item.  Is she wearing a bra?  Is there something “special” or unique about the lucky item?  There should be.  And while the ball is rolling, Toni should be jumping up and down haha.

I do have something I am pretty sure you need to fix, though.  I am assuming you’ve played roulette.  You can’t just have Toni grab armloads of chips and run from the table.  They have to GIVE her the chips.  No amount of distraction is going to let these guys let her just grab armloads of chips and run off.  It shouldn’t be a difficult fix, but I don’t think it would work on camera without that fix.

Also, you have her grabbing the chips, THEN replacing her tit.  That should be the other way around, as her hands will be occupied once she grabs all the chips.

But yeah, this is funny.  I’d love to see it, and I’m sure it would get a laugh from an audience.  It’s a good idea.

Quoted from bert You need to describe her pulling out the lucky item.  Is she wearing a bra?  Is there something “special” or unique about the lucky item?  There should be.  And while the ball is rolling, Toni should be jumping up and down haha.

Quoted from bert Also, you have her grabbing the chips, THEN replacing her tit.  That should be the other way around, as her hands will be occupied once she grabs all the chips.

Holy Cow! (it's Season time), Bert, you see everything.

For the first point, that's the kind of dress she could wear.




About the second point, you're perfectly right! How could I been so blind?! Maybe the tit blinded me...

Anyway, I'll stay firmly on my position: I won't show the tit. It's my tit (well, my character's) and I do what I want with it!!  

Michel

I was thinking about the chip thing too, and Bert has a point. When she pulls her chips from the table, only her chips are there, but if she bet on a specific number, they actually have to pay out 36 to 1, which means they need to count her chips and figure out how much to give her back. This could get complicated, and I guess only those who haven't read too much or gambled would notice.

Quoted from michel For the first point, that's the kind of dress she could wear.

What roulette table?


Phil