The Fictitious Reality by Jordan Baker - Drama - Cameron Hammel deals in a life ruled by drugs and sloth. An eventual murder leads to insanity and he loses control of what he's doing getting deeper and deeper into a world of crime. His life involves gang wars, drugs, abduction and rape. It's about the worst things in society, the things that are on the eleven o'clock news. The story is inspired by actual events. 125 pages - rtf, format

Started reading this. Here's what I've got so far.

The "ing" rant at the beginning is not necessary.

Start off with - SUPER: THE FOLLOWING WAS INSPIRED BY ACTUAL EVENTS.

As it is, you have five lines of description that could be written in one. Also, don't reiterate in the description it's in Queens, when you already have it in the Slugline - EXT. QUEENS - NEW YORK - DAY. Also, don't say who is the protagonist in the description. And I used to put things like "A man, so and so" too, however it just takes up space and is redundant, we know Doug is a man. The whole opening sequence should be written more like so...

********

EXT. STREET - DAY

SUPER: QUEENS, NEW YORK - 1982

DOUG HAMMEL, late 20's, well to do, walks hand in hand with his son, CAMERON, 5, into a...

PHARMACY

**********

Again, you don't need to repeat yourself so much, you say that Cameron talks to the hot dog vender twice.

You overwrite a lot of description as well. "Cameron wanders again, down the street, entering an alley where a MAN, (age/description) sits on a trash can. He looks at Cameron." Is all you have to say.

You missed a bunch of question marks from when the man speaks.

Don't need to put "New York" in every slugline.

leave music out of script unless absolutely necessary. (Rage Against the Machine) and try to leave out acting/directing instructions and camera angles (throughout the scene we stay on Doug's back...) and try to eliminate the words "we see" from your vocab when you write.

I thought it was an interesting idea of chick selling Coke to Cameron, and I liked the conversation about his mom dying with Doug. Can Coke really take away a stutter though?

Capitolize BABY SITTER when introduced and tell his/her age/description. And include in the slug line WHERE it is in the house. (living room? kitchen?)

Introduce  "OTHER KID" as JASON when we first meet him, and is it absolutely necessary that he's black? If not, don't put it in.

When they give him the wallet and the purse, he "took what they owe him" Wouldn't he just clean it out and take advantage of the kids' gullability? And I think it'd be cool if it was the neglectful babysitter's purse that Cameron handed in.

try to refrain from swearing in description. You don't need to say things like "it's a fucking warzone" and "there's gangsters and shit" All we need to know in those 7 lines of description is that so many gangsters are in a shootout with approaching cops, hiding behind cars and crates. Just simplify things. Cameron too. Just say "Cameron, now thirty, hides behind an old, busted car, firing at cops."

again, try to refrain from using things like "screaming like a fucking pig that's being castrated".

There are some cool elements in the story so far, but you definitely have to work on your writing though. It actually wants to make me stop reading, but I'll try to help you improve and see were this goes.

Hey thanks for reading.

And yeah there's a lot of description. And I never really noticed the repetition so I'll look more carefully for that and make some changes and faster description. So most of what you talk about is structural problems and I will definitely take a closer look at those and make some drastic changes.

But also wondering what you thought about character, dialogue or plot. Anything you liked or disliked or thought should be changed would be good.

Thanks for the read and anything else you'd like to say would be appreciated.

got more.

I think Cameron gets away from dad too much. is the pharmacy scene needed?

There should be more time with the babysitter. you should make her more neglegent to let him go out, cuz why babysit him if he gets to go out anyways? Maybe she should be watching tv or making out with her boyfriend or something like that.

Excessive violence at the shootout is a liitle cheesy I think.

Don't say "this event happens earlier, we'll get to that later" in description.

It's pretty hard to swallow that a five year old is consistabtly going to find money for dope for 25 years. And why would chikc care how much Cameron does when he's been selling it to him for that long? Maybe lower thetime frame. Make the "Young" Cameron a little older like ten, and make the older Cameron like 17. Maybe Cameron could even start selling Chick's stuff when he's a kid to his friends.

What's it mean that Chick "fixes the syringe like a 'dance'" describe what he's doing.

Describe how Cameron's father is dying in his mind. You can't just have Cameron say "I saw him die" and then "show this image in red tint" What IS the image. Dd he get shot? stabbed? is he lying lifeless on the street? etc.

Chick just wanted Cameron to take it easy on the drugs and then says he could get away with murder? The character seems inconsistent.

You describe a little too much in your dialogue sometimes. Mostly the chunks that have more than four or five lines in them, it sounds like rambling.

I liked Chick's speach on how he killed his landlord (though some of it could be trimmed) but why would he keep a body in his basement for over 25 years? At some point, he get rid of it?

He hasn't seen his father in 20 years? why would he leave his son on his own at 10? Shit, I'd wanna kill him too if that was the case, and I wouldn't wait 20 years to do it.

I'll read more later.

Hey thanks,

about the five year old, i've certainly heard of kids this young consistently getting drugs once they get involved. It's hard to believe but it happens.

with Chick lecturing him on drugs (which might be something that's a regular conversation between them) and then telling him he could get away with murder is simply Chick taking his business seriously. He does kind of have his priorities mixed up but does have something in order at least.

And as far as his dad abandoning him, he did it right after Cameron's mother's death and like he says didn't feel he could handle raising him properly by himself.

Why he hasn't gone to confront him yet is because he's distanced himself and nearly forgot about his father his whole life living out of foster families.

And ya some of the things with description and dialogue I'll look into,

Thanks.

Hey, I read up to page 33 and I just have to stop. I'm sorry, but this is VERY unprofessional, which I think is disrespectful to the reader, there seem to be just a bunch of random things going on, and a lot of things seem implausable to me. a five year old kid buying coke all the time, I really can't see, and if you've heard about it, I'd really like to know where you heard it from. His girlfriend saying all what she said, and the prostitue standing there counting her money? Him shooting his father, seems like it should be the climax. I'd much rather hear about Cameron's life as a child, and the life he's had. Everything just seems to happen too fast. He's five, then his mom dies, then he buys drugs, then he kills his dad all within the first 25 pages, and there's still over a hundred to go. I want to know more about his relationship with his mother. You need to spend more time building on some of these things, just pick a thing and run with it. I feel like the whole time spent setting up his mom's death and shitty father was just a waste. I want to know more about that. you could probably write a whole script just on what you skipped out on in the first 25 pages. Elaborate on the important things. Or maybe we just don't speak the same language, because a lot of the elements of your script, I just couldn't relate to, or have ever seen in any human behavior that I have encountered. I think he's too young for a lot of this, and too much time goes by, and much rather see his relationship with his father instead. Maybe his father has a hard time with it, and takes it out on Cameron and Cameron runs away and etc. etc. Just add some more dynamics to it.

Also, why did you stop using slug lines. You put he's doing a prostitute, then just put what his girlfriend is doing in the next line of description? And same with when the cops came. If you're gonna do that, then ou may as well just write the whole movie like that.

I'm not yelling at you, or trying to be an asshole, but there's A LOT of work you need to do on this before the thing is even readable. I strongly, STRONGLY urge you to read some other scripts by some of the top scripters around here. I feel that your inexperience comes from a lack of reading other scripts (which you could learn a shit load from doing) and a lack of caring about improving your craft. Your mistakes are huge, and they're plentiful throughout, and just kept snowballing and getting worse in fact. and no one will take this seriously as it is now. So, that's my advice. Read up, study, do anything you can to improve, because there's a lot of problems, in the last ten pages that I read alone. Good luck.