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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    Short Horror - October 06 One Week Challenge  ›  Spilled Milk
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  Author    Spilled Milk  (currently 4538 views)
Don
Posted: October 21st, 2006, 8:36am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Spilled Milk by Robert Spence & Grant Keating - Short, Horror - Teddy, a lonely farmer, lives on Castrone Farm isolated from the world, but strange things start to happen, and it turns into a fight for survival. Will he escape the sinister happenings surrounding his farm? 16 pages     A October '06 One Week Challenge entry - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  November 12th, 2006, 2:24pm
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The boy who could fly
Posted: October 21st, 2006, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
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This one was pretty cool, it goes at a slow pace, but I think it worked well for this one.

My lord Teddy has a mouth on him, probably how I'll sound when I'm 60

This one fit the theme and genre well and the story was interesting, I was wondering where it was going to lead next.

this was another good one


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Helio
Posted: October 21st, 2006, 4:21pm Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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I know who wrote this mutherf****r script! Well, but I'll not say who it is anyway. After the page 5 I started to see Morgan Freeman playing Taddy role. Who wrote this pearl is one of the best dialogues writer! The rhythm makes you to whish more ahead the pages.

Nice work here, dude!
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Parker
Posted: October 21st, 2006, 4:49pm Report to Moderator
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Jesus H Christ that was good! Definitely the best I've read at the moment and I'm pretty sure I know who wrote this so well done to you man, that was brilliant.

The whole story was weird from the start. As Helio's already pointed out (sort of) the mother fucking dialogue is absolutely outstanding. Where's ma shotgun? That made me laugh every time I saw it. That Teddy character was also 5 star material. He's surely a character I wont forget in a hurry and this is certainly a story I wont forget soon.

Again, well done dude, that was cool. If it's not by the person I think it is then... wow, there's two of 'em out there! Good going.

Jamie


I may be an idiot, but I'm no idiot.
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tomson
Posted: October 21st, 2006, 8:27pm Report to Moderator
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This one didn't really work for me. I hope you forgive me for saying this because I think we might know each other a little.

The writing was as sharp as can be, but to be honest with you, Teddy's dialogue turned me off. I'm sure  the young male writers around here will like it, but it did not work for me. Sorry.

There was milk involved for sure, but I felt it failed when it came to the horror part. It had some towards the end, but until then it was mostly absent.

This was however sharpely written, descriptions, action and everything else, I just couldn't get into it. Mostly because of the language.  
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CindyLKeller
Posted: October 21st, 2006, 9:28pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

First off, nice pacing.   I liked how it started, slow and mysterious, then kept getting crazier.

A very well-writen script, too.   I'm impressed that all of this was completed within one week. Wow!

I liked Teddy (potty mouth that he was). He was just an old, and hurt farmer. A well-rounded character, tough, yet soft toward the boy who he thought needed help.

The ending was pretty sweet, too.

Other than a couple type o's nothing but good thoughts about this one.

Great job!

Cindy

  


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
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Alex J. Cooper
Posted: October 21st, 2006, 10:18pm Report to Moderator
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Best dialogue, but i didnt like the story to much.

You did an outstanding job with the repetetive nature of Teddy's dialogue.

I just didnt find the story very entertaining.


Shorts:
I Named Him Thor
Footloose, Cut Loose
Tainted Milk
Marshmallows
Confucius & The Quest For Nessie
Wondrous Presentation
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bert
Posted: October 22nd, 2006, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
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The strength of this one was the character of Teddy.  He was excellent, and probably would have gotten along well with that Old Man Crim character from another one of these stories.  I felt Teddy's dialogue was top notch throughout.

The story surrounding Teddy was good -- but not as good.  I liked the slow build, but had no idea what role his wife played in all of this.  You could trim her out and lose nothing.

And the flashback that starts of page 13 begins so abruptly -- and really doesn't explain anything as far as I could tell -- was another weak spot for what was overall a pretty good story.  Was there anything here that could not have been incorporated into the earlier dream sequence, after he falls in the bathroom?  That transition was much, much smoother.

All complaints aside, however -- this one was quite good, with perhaps the best character I have encountered in any of these stories.


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Higgonaitor
Posted: October 22nd, 2006, 3:32pm Report to Moderator
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Hey.

NOt too fond of teddy, thought he was kind of obnoxious, but a strong character nevertheless, just one that I didn't like.

I also thought it was a bit to slow to get to the story and never quite picked up on the dissapearing milk.  I think that you could cut a lot from this script and it would make it much more entertaining.

Also, it bugged me when Teddy said "The Names Teddy" to the tape recorder, that seemed artificial.  If you want to get his name known, why not instead have Teddy quote his dad saying something like "Teddy, women'll suck ya dry" or whatever, adressing him by his name.

--Tyler


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Steve-Dave
Posted: October 22nd, 2006, 10:42pm Report to Moderator
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This one was very good I thought. Loved the dialogue and Teddy's character. Don't have much to complain about this one.


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wonkavite
Posted: October 23rd, 2006, 11:33am Report to Moderator
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It starts off a little slow, and does drag a little bit - but I think the script has definite potential.  A few questions, and thoughts on the story:

WITH SPOILERS

Teddy's understandably one dimensional, stereotypically redneck.  That's okay, up to a point, but I actually see room to give him some depth and sympathetic characteristics.  Like: he does seem to be actually concerned about the boy, despite the shotgun comments, etc, etc.  Maybe work on making him a little more human, even if he's still "rural and simple".  (Cut down a little on the shotgun comments...it gets a bit repetitive!)

Also...WHY was the boy killed, by whom (his parents?).  Who knows...its a little unclear as to his ethnicity, but maybe he's Chinese, and was killed by locals who wanted the foreigners out of town?  But also, why is the ghost manifesting now?  What's the trigger?  Something Teddy does, perhaps?

Also, while I like the wife. psychiatrist, tape recorder subplot, it doesn't seem to go anywhere, or tie into the story (other than to show that Teddy's alone, and rather maladjusted.)  Maybe it can be integrated more thoroughly with the plot...?

The massacred cows are a nice, creepy touch - especially if it builds up from smaller things that are "just not right"...  I would like to see this developed further, with a more human feel. It could be really interesting.
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rjw8625
Posted: October 23rd, 2006, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
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The progression of the story was good and the payoffs with the silent boy were on point, but I too had some problems with Teddy and with the weak tie-in to milk.  Teddy did a little too much talking to himself and used the 'Jesus H Christ' a little too much.

Just a note about shotguns.  The most common gauges are 10, 12, and 20.  There are no nine gauge shotguns.
Also, they don't use bullets.  They use what's referred to as a 'shell,' a plastic tube full of 'shot,' hence the name.

On Page 3, you use desecrates.  I don't believe coldness can desecrate a farm.

Page 10, he just jumps out of the shower and puts on a coat?  No towel, no other clothes?

On page 13, I think the loop hole you are talking about is a noose.

Sorry to hammer on the details.  These just jumped out at me.


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Seth
Posted: October 24th, 2006, 1:17am Report to Moderator
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This, so far, is my favorite. It was an entertaining story. One that slowly unfolded, keeping my attention throughout.  The characters were interesting, especially Teddy who jumped off the page.

My only nit is the overuse of the word suddenly. It's unimaginative. It took me out of the story, reminding me that what is an otherwise excellent script, was authored by an amateur.  

pg. 4  "Suddenly there is a knock at his front door."
pg. 6  "Teddy suddenly wakes up."
pg. 7  "suddenly, there is a knock at the front door."  
pg. 8  "He suddenly notices a light flickers on and off in the barn."
pg.9   "Suddenly the phone rings."
pg. 12 "Teddy Suddenly wakes up."
pg. 13 "Suddenly another bottle of whiskey..."
pg. 13 "Suddenly a hand grabs his shoulder..."
pg. 15 "Suddenly the doors slam shut.

Seth


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daffty1
Posted: October 24th, 2006, 10:31am Report to Moderator
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This script started off slowly but it was that which made it the success it is, the build up to the boy's tale had to be doen this way because without it it would be a 5 page screenplay which would show no effort put into this project. i have read osme 5 page ones which are good but colud have had the detail which this one has. it jumps from one scene to another very quickly  which im not sure i like. maybe scenes cud have been longer dont know
ment to put 4 stars in as the ratin but mucked up
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MonetteBooks
Posted: October 24th, 2006, 2:13pm Report to Moderator
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I have to agree with Pia about the language detracting from the story. it would have shown much more skill to have that character say things in a blustering way without resorting to mo-fo and all that. Way big overload there. Also, I got weary of his saying "Where's ma shotgun?" Again, too much.
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