What Starts With "P" and Ends With "-orn"? by Catherine Tramell - Short, Sci Fi  - Henry has trouble trying to write a 15 page sci-fi script about popcorn in a week's time.  8 pages - pdf, format

This was an amusing little tale, though it was more of a light drama than sci-fi.  I thought the dialogue was very on the nose.  After all, you have one character and he's explaining everything to himself in full detail.  I think I would have liked it better if it ended just prior to the twist.


Phil

Damnit, I came into this expecting some porn, and you didn't make with the porn. No, but this one was okay I thought.

SPOILERGASM...............................................................................................


The first piece of description is worded oddly.

I liked the predator and alien stopping in the middle of fighting to eat popcorn.

The ending I thought was interesting too, it was well developed and flowed nicely. You should make the point that the boy is unseen though. Cuz it fades out before he says his name, but if we were watching on film, we'd know who the boy was.

It's funny that we've had like 8 of these challenges and this is the first of its kind(that I know of).  

It's well written and all that jazz, but I felt it lacked something.  It didn't have that kind of wit and charm that jumps out at you and sucks you into the story.  It was kind of comical at times, my favorite scene being when Guy shoots Ace and Jessica, but in the end I felt this was more like a script written from the 96 posts in the original OWE announcement thread.

But eh, it flowed well and had the general stuff.  Good job.

The best I read so far, although I’ve got a lot to read yet. It’s got a story and it sticks to the genre and theme, in some kind of twisted and indirect way, but it does. It even has an unexpected twist at the end.

There’s room for improvement as well, although that’s a given in every script written in a week or less. A character talking alone is a cheap way of feeding exposition to the audience; the overall quality of the script makes me believe that the author could find a better way of achieving this.

On a technical note, be aware that descriptions like: “Days and nights go by like seconds.” do not fit in script format; you can’t condense action like that. Find visual ways to establish that time passes by (i.e. Henry typing behind his computer, then you dissolve to Henry -with a five day beard- still typing)

Overall, this was a creative take on the genre and theme, good job.

I thought it was cute.  An amusing take on the challenge, light, easy enough to identify with, approachable. But it could have done with out the twist - which I thought dragged it down.

You did a good job.  I would be interested in seeing what you can do once you have spent more than a week with this idea.

Nice little twist. Nicle flow to the story too. I liked it.

Was a little shocked when Guy just shot Ace and Jessica in the face. I felt like I wanted to kill Guy after that, but still, the twist at the end made me smile.

So good job... to someone who had zombies in their script?

Cool short!  I'm tempted to say who I think did this (the zombies and all) but you never really know.  

I liked the little ideas the main character had for his story.  Lord knows we've all sat in front of a blank monitor and cursed it's existence.

Cool twist at the end and a gold star for the goof on Paul Anderson

Good read!

Hmm... Don't know what to make of this one. There's sci-fi and there's popcorn. I guess you followed the rules. On the other hand, I feel like this was sort of a cop-out. Not much plot in sight, more of a hodge-podge of half-baked ideas, and some of the dialogue may as well be V.O. (the kind of V.O. Brian Cox slams in Adaptation).

On the other hand, there were some gags here I loved. The Aliens and Predators taking a breather to munch on some popcorn, for one thing. The delivery man idea wasn't exactly bad either. Not good, exactly, but not bad. The twist at the end was amusing as well.

Kinda on the fence with this one. Meh. I guess I enjoyed it for what it is. What the hell... good job.

Finally... I'm done.

I kind of liked this one.

I liked the writing and things like "Days and nights go by like seconds" doesn't bother me. I enjoy when a writer breaks the rules a little. I know we are not supposed to and I'm not a studio reader, but I enjoy them.

I could identify with the staring at a blank page part, I know what that feels like.

You must have done well with your story telling, especially with the aliens and predators piece. I actually forgot it wasn't happening other than in his imagination, so good job on that.

I liked the ending too and I'm pretty darn sure who wrote this and it's not who people seem to assume because of the zombies.

Pia  

Okay... I have a guess about the writer of this one. Won't say cause I don't wanna look stupid if I'm wrong. I'll just say, "Yep" when it is revealed and no one will know any different.

In the very first line of action I got a quick chuckle. "bored written all over his face." Now was that to paint us a picture of the writer or was the picture actually painted on his face. Ha Ha Ha.

You had some great character names for teens. Love the name Ace  and Jessica in sci-fi and horror flicks. Good job naming them.

On page 7 I think you missed a V.O. next to Henry's name.

For teenagers, I think the dialogue was to stilted. Teenagers would use some jargon that only they know. That was the only aspect that I thought needed work. And for a one week exercise, and being time crucnched like I knew you were, causes me to lilke you story even more. Great job overall.

Spencer

ha ha, this was a pretty cute story, and also a very funny one as well. it had both the theme and genre in it and used them well.

I liked the carnival art the best, and I think the V.O worked well.

I liked the AVP rip in it, that gave me a chuckle.

I think the dialogue was good for the most part, it flowed well and used the theme and genre in an original way.

good work

I did not like how Henry talked to himself.  That bugged me.  Instead, maybe have it be a voice over, or you could even have like a cat or something there that he talks to, which would still be weird, but not quite as weird and awkward.

And it wasnt really sci-fi, it just included it. I feel obliged to say that.

-Tyler

So how many people here guessed that this was mine? Probably everyone, I'm guessing.

Thanks for reading this, everyone. First things first, I was going to write "CUT TO BLACK" at the very end, but I don't know why I didn't and instead wrote "FADE TO BLACK."

Now when it comes to Henry talking to himself, well, I don't know if it's a serious problem if you do talk to yourself when you write a script, but I do. If it is a problem, someone help me seek some medical help, please.

I've read you don't need DAY and NIGHT in your slugs if the locations are on the same day or night.

Descriptions = problems I have and I don't want to here anymore about it! Hehe. Though I guess to stop having people talk to me about my descriptions, I have to stop writing them so detailed.

I think this is the first OWC script (out of the three I've been in) that everyone who's read it enjoyed it. Well, almost everyone. And weird thing is that this has sci-fi and popcorn in it, but only bits and pieces of it do, and not the entire plot. While in the last two, I tried spending as much time as possible keeping the theme and genre inside the script, that it's probably why they weren't my greatest? I'm not sure, but I'm glad yous guys liked it.

Sean

Hey Sean,

I enjoyed this script very much It made me chuckle a couple times especially with Ace and Jessica at the carnival. You put alot of themes involving popcorn within this script. But only one part consisted with sci-fi while the rest ranged from horror to drama. Format was pretty consistant except for a few areas. I'm not expert but I think you can put sluglines as: Ext. Antarctica - night - Henry's Imagination; this reduces spaces.I found it to be a bit wordy but IMO it was not a problem for me. All I care about is the telling of a story which I think you did somewhat except for the sci-fi area.

Gabe