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Snave by Kyle Paquet (Eomir) and Justin Roberts - Short, Horror - Outside the small town of Terran Cove, there lies a deep forest. Inside the forest is Terran Clearing, subject of horrific stories told by firelight. Stories of death. Of monsters. Of Snaves. Five friends decide to stay the night in the legendary Clearing. Little do they know that not all campfire stories are fiction... 18 pages - pdf, format
Firstly I'd change your title page or change the title font.
You write well but maybe a little too much, short and simple is all thats required in a script. Something I've had to learn myself.
Your actions should be written in the present tense, meaning you shouldn't write things like 'after', write what they do. Also don't use 'we' or 'he speaks' just write your dialogue. We know who speaks.
You need to work on your format because your dialogue is incorrect.
Drop the Fade To from your slugline.
I think you should introduce your characters better. You use strange names and saying 'they will be known as...' is not the best.
I know it's a short but things happen very quickly, there's little build up of tension.
Unfortunately I think many, like myself, will stop reading this. Not due to your story but down to your format. Read some scripts on here and you'll get the jist of format.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
1. Why do you think I should change the title/font? I thougjht it would be cool if I based the titles on the Alien series (i.e. Snave, Snaves, Snave3, Snave: Revolution).
2. I mean to produce this at some point. When on vacation in California, my cousin and I wrote this for fun. (btw, I'm 15 years old)
3. When do I speak in past tense? Also, I like speaking for the audience, like I'm telling them what they should be seeing in the movie. I also like injecting a bit of prose-style in my work (hence "he speaks")
4. In what way is my dialogue incorrect?
5. Why should I drop "fade to"? Several scripts use this.
6. I always use strange names. I never use the characters real names - see my short script "Pictures". I will also have you get to know them better (better backstory) in Snaves/Snave 2.
7. Like I said, I'm gonna produce this. And on a very low budget. Since I don't have access to teriffic actors, the story does not really revolve around them - it revolves around the creature. Hence=no buildup.
8. What exactly is wrong with my format? I thought I pretty much got the jist of it already.
I'll comment on your questions first then I'll read your script through and leave you feedback on the story.
Here goes...
A script doesn't need a fancy title page, just use the same font throughout (it's the industry way) Don't distract from the script, if it's good you don't need a catchy font for the title.
Your first slugline reads... FADE IN: EXT. FOREST, NIGHT Heavily wooded, easy to get lost in. Only one path is to be found, and this is even concealed by a heavy, low-hanging fog. Undergrowth juts up from the eerie mist, thorny, entwining with the trees around it'. This is way to much like a novel. Try something like this (less is more)
EXT. FOREST - NIGHT A covering of fog hides the single path which runs through the thick foliage.
As for writing in the past tense...page 1. 'After taking a quick swig from his canteen around his neck, he speaks'. This should be...He takes a quick swig from the canteen, which hangs around his neck. Then write his dialogue.
You don't really need Fade To's, especially not before every slugline. Just write the new slugline and that will be fine.
Characters...Page 1. A RIDER steps out. That's not enough, we only know it's a man because you say 'his' in your next action. Just a brief description is needed. Like...RIDER steps out of the jeep, he is in his mid twenties and sports short spikey hair.
Your format is fine. Just remove all the Fade To's and watch the width of your dialogue. Hope this clears things up. Oh and the build up is your call, it's your story.
Right well I'll give it a read and leave you feedback on the story.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
Bottom of Page 2. Moss and Quarry need to be introduced, are they male or female?
Top of Page 3. Scar's dialogue has (gets into story telling mode). You don't wont this here, if you want this in, it should be used as a parenthetical and not mid speech. Even so I'm not sure this is the correct way to inform us of his action, if it's needed at all?
Typo top of Page 3. Scar's dialogue, rumors should be rumours. (well it is in England)
Middle of page 3. Several raised complaints? If some of your characters complain you should show us them complaining.
Some of your dialogue is good, love...'cept forfriggin', fuzzy monsters with no eyes'
You started witha slugline that said it was night, then one with later. Top of Page 4 Rider says 'no use burnin' daylight we don't got' surely it's dark? Or I don't get this?
Middle of Page 4, 'for several moments, we're left in the dark, and all we hear..' We aren't there, so try not to use we. Also don't use camera actions like P.O.V's.
Top of Page 5...wordlessly? Is that a word?
Rather than writing 'maybe a rabbit, but there's no way to really know', in your action, have a character comment that it's unrecogonisable.
Love the way Rider picks up a stick and rumages around in the dead animal.
A couple of camera directions are sneaking in here...I'd lose them if I were you.
Top of Page 7. 'On the sleeping form of Lotus. She's peaceful, her breathing slow. Oblivious to the skittering outside'. I don't like this sentence, mainly because I don't understand it.
Page 7. QUARRY. FREAKS. OUT. No this needs changing. Just put Quarry freaks out or Quarry panics.
'Game over' and 'stay frosty' mmm been watching Aliens too much?
Top of Page 8. Lotus comments that the Jeep is parked 3 miles away. At the start they exit the Jeep and say they are here?
Don't know what a SMASH CUT is?
Is your monster a Predator, it has the same vision and hearing?
Calling the group Riders and having a character called Rider is confusing.
I'm gonna take a tea break here and continue shortly. One thing I will say is your dialogue is good....
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
Middle of Page 9. Quarry trips over something, then he says 'I tripped over something'. Either change the description or her dialogue as it's repetative.
I can tell you were influenced by the Alien films. No bad thing mind, they are very good.
When Quarry is dragged away by the creature the rest of them do nothing until he stops screaming.
Top of Page 12. Rider seems surprisingly calm when he discovers the remains of Moss.
You describe the Snave really well, which only makes me wonder why you failed to describe your protagonists which such detail.
One thing you should work on is, if you remove the the character name, you should know who is speaking but some of your dialogue could be said by any of them.
The Riders seem concern what they will do with the Snave when it wakes, surely it will be terrified of the sunlight?
Bottom of Page 15. You don't need to include things like 'the music reaches a cresendo'. And again we weren't expecting anything.
The End isn't required unless you want to show it on screen and then it should use a super.
After all is said and done...Your story is, for me, too influenced by Aliens and your characters don't seem awfully bothered by the death of their friends. You have a basis to build on, work on it and resubmit it, I'd be happy to read over ir again.
I hope I haven't scared you off with what seems a negative review, but most of everything I've said is superficial and easily fixable.
Anywho keep writing.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
1. Sorry about the dense description of Terran Clearing. I AM detail, and it's how I express myself. I'll remove the "Fade In", but I REALLY don't wanna take away the description.
2. That's not exactly past tense. That's, uh, more description. No, really. It is. Also, I guess I shopuld've told the audience that all of the friends are around fifteen.
3. I had no idea my dialogue width made it sloppy. I'll have to watch for that.
As for the review (*tear rolls down cheek* my first real review! *sob*):
1. Sorry I didn't introduce Quarry and Moss. They're the... expendible guys (looks away, embarrassed).
2. I like to describe in depth how my characters talk. "goes into story telling mode" sort of means he hunkers down, his voice get's dark. Hmm... Maybe I should write that instead... I wonder...
3. Huh? I don't write British styled. I'm 100% American! Ahem. Sorry.
4. Sorry. I like brief actions like that. The Fix-O-Meter goes up another notch.
5. Hehe... my cousin liked that one, too.
6. He says "no use burnin' daylight we don't got" because they don't have daylight left; it's dark already... see?
7. With my scripts, you ARE there. And POVs are also something I like to exploit.
8. according to my spellcheck, wordlessly is a word.
9. This is a good suggestion.
10. Ick. That's why Lotus gags.
11. No camera directions? *sobs*
12. This means that we're looking at Lotus, and she's sleeping peacefully. She doesn't notice the skittering noises outide her tent.
13. I thought this would've been more effective of getting the point across than a simple "Quarry freaks out".
14. When they exit the Jeep they are in their parking spot. The slugline in the beginning says "EXT. FOREST". Later, it reads "EXT. TERRAN CLEARING".
15. Interestingly enough, I've never seen Aliens. I had just finished reading the novelization of the movie by Alan Dean Foster, though. It was excellent. But still, I do borrow heavily from thus.
16. SMASH CUT is a sudden, violent cut to another scene. Joss Whedon used this direction in his script for Alien Resurrection, I think.
17. Now here's something I'd been watching alot of: Alien Versus Predator. I based the Snaves mainly off both Aliens and Predators; heat vision, acidic blood, etc.
18. Yes, I should change this.
19. Yeah, this scene was kinda rush-written
20. See comment 17.
21. The three remaining friends are still in shock after Quarry is dragged away.
22. Hehe... sorry about that. Yeah, the part where he finds the bodies is kinda allusive to the climax of a b-horror film.
23. As I said in an earlier post, the story is not really about the characters. It's more about the creatures.
24. I guess I'll have to work on individuality for my characters.
25. This is an oversight. I'll change it.
26. The music reaching a crescendo is pretty much a que for the movie to end. But it doesn't, does it...?
27. I always use The End in my scripts.
Well, that's all I've got to say. I'll be happy to follow these guidelines to making the script better. I'm still not sure if the Alien influence is a bad thing, but I'll have to change the characters' indifference to death.
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