Sierra and the Pharoah by Tori Jaymes - Short, Horror - A 31 page short, dark-humored horror/thriller about an offbeat, overly melo-dramatic, flamboyant, yuppie couple who are occupying an upscale house in the  suburbs. They insist on being called by the rather peculiar pet names of SIERRA and PHAROAH. The pair inadvertantly crosses paths with the uptight, by-the-book lady president of the local Neighborhood Homeowners Association (CLAIRE). She's a prudish,  rule monger who lays down the local laws involved with maintaining one's property values. - pdf, format

This is one of the worst scripts I've ever read.  It's only redeeming quality is it focuses more on the gore part of the standard awful scripts, and has significantly less nudity.  The dialogue betwen the title characters is of an idiotic nature at best, and the plot of torture and serial murder is revolting.  
As for format, it's mostly okay but you make numerous mistakes in sluglines and action/descriptions.  In both cases it's the same, you put in interpretation or flippant phrases, when you should simply show it in a matter-of-factly way and let the reader infer the adjectives.  Sluglines must be consistent - always use the same slugline for the same thing, though for more specifics you should add a comma after the first part of the slugline ("EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE, FRONT DOOR - SAME TIME).

0/10

Well now, the characters are suppose to be flippant and strange and flamboyant etc., to the point of being almost ridiculous. That is their role. That is what makes them different. The plot is suppose to be revolting--plain and simple. Sierra and the Pharoah and psychotics. As for sluglines, we have, let's see, inside and out--two settings--pretty simple to keep track of mentally.  

Goods comments. Thanx for the insight.  

This was by no means a bad script.

Sierra and Pharao are over-the-top characters and I understood their delivering of the lines was meant to reflect their theatrical personalities. They were interesting, but as for the plot as a whole I don't think it was that engaging.

There wasn't enough story in the plot for me. There's a lot of pointless jibberish, where you establish how Sierra & Pharao and Claire are different. It sorta dragged on and quickly got boring.

Your descriptions were pretty vivid and I didn't have a hard time picturing what was going on in my head, so that's a plus. I feel you could probably cut 5-8 pages off this beast, because the premise of the script doesn't warrant 31 pages.

I'm not sure that jerdol's comment "This is one of the worst scripts I've ever read" is entirely fair.  Having just read this piece I personally found it rather entertaining, and completely understood what you were trying to convey with the two lead characters.  Eccentricity is a difficult nut to crack.

As for the format, well I know there's a big debate on whether you should or should not use a little narrative in your descriptions.  I think the easiest way forward, is to only describe what the camera can see whilst your still learning your craft.  Once you've become a professionally paid writer with credits, then you can do what the hell you want, allegedly.

Plot-wise.   It's solid enough to show off the two main characters, but I think 30 minutes is too long a time to show a slightly odd couple kill a woman.  Maybe you could have three Jehovah's Witnesses show up and ask Sierra if she's ever found god, and then let the fun begin.  Use more of the house as the killing grounds perhaps.

Thanx Tester2005:

I appreciate your comments. I agree in that I understand about the basics of more compact and less descriptive narratives. At the same time, a script has to be a "good read".  This particular script has been looked at by numerous people. What continues to amaze me, is how, even with all that narrative, so many folks just don't pick up on the fact that the characters are "suppose" to be quirky and eccentric and offbeat.

More than one person has said something along the lines of, "Why do you have them using so many words to say something simple?"  OK...maybe we should go back to just making another standard Chainsaw Massacre theme where bumbling teens happen across ruthless killers and spend 3/4 of the movie running and hiding in more rooms that you can count?

It's the old adage of, "give me something new and different, out of the ordinary---that I've seen before and has a proven track record.

I have had 8 shorts produced under a couple of different names. No masterpieces of course but 8 is better than none, and still better than only 4 or 5. I think this will eventually get made. At that point, there will be some cutting of lines and maybe shortening a few depending on how things go. Till then, there is enough to ponder and choose from when this time comes.

Tori

quirky, eccentric and offbeat. I have been called all those things and I don’t speak at all like your characters.  Who does?  Research is a key factor in any GOOD script. Spend a day on Melrose ave in LA or Venice Beach, then you might have a better understanding how these type of people speak.  You could creatively show that your characters are qurkey,eccentric and offbeat in VISUAL ways not with unrealistic dialog.  If this is made into a film, I would be curious who your audience would be. Film making is entertainment plain and simple.  This story is not entertaining.