Blue Eyes by Daniel Toemta - Short - Jim is a nobody who lives in a lousy town, with a lousy life in a lousy world. But true love from the past changes everything in an instant. 10 pages - pdf, format

Wrong Turn by Daniel Toemta - Short - Phil is driving down the dark muddy road when he bumps into a beautiful creature.  8 pages - pdf, format

Wrong Track by Daniel Toemta - Short - Eddie thinks he's the luckiest man in the world. 2 pages - pdf, format

For some reason, I can't access any of these.


[Bert's Note:  Links Repaired]

Hi Daniel,

Just a quick question before I start reading, are these stories connected in any way, should I read them in any particular order?

Or are they stand alone stories?


Regards
Robert

                                                      Helio (VO)
What could I say about them all? Maybe I have liked them, maybe not. I'm not sure about it. I did stay thinking for a while after to read the three shorts scripts...Goddammed, Helio, they was based on Frank's! So what? I said... However, my thoughts goes deep and for a second I saw Tarantino saying CUT! But why did I  like Blues Eyes? Just because she was about a black & white pretty killer with red lips and blues eyes? Or it was because I loved her wet lips, her sharp tits? Yeah, maybe were all these things together. Nevermind, I thought they were nice written, very visual like the guy that they were based on, but I just didn't like the hell of that voices over, for god sake!

Quoted from sniper Hi Daniel, Just a quick question before I start reading, are these stories connected in any way, should I read them in any particular order? Or are they stand alone stories? Regards Robert

They're connected. You can read the first one as a stand-alone but not the other ones.

Quoted from Helio                                                       Helio (VO) What could I say about them all? Maybe I have liked them, maybe not. I'm not sure about it. I did stay thinking for a while after to read the three shorts scripts...Goddammed, Helio, they was based on Frank's! So what? I said... However, my thoughts goes deep and for a second I saw Tarantino saying CUT! But why did I  like Blues Eyes? Just because she was about a black & white pretty killer with red lips and blues eyes? Or it was because I loved her wet lips, her sharp tits? Yeah, maybe were all these things together. Nevermind, I thought they were nice written, very visual like the guy that they were based on, but I just didn't like the hell of that voices over, for god sake!

Lol, to be honest, I'm really proud of my descriptions in Wrong Turn. Thought they worked very well.

The voice overs is just the style, Helio

Hi Daniel,

Just finished Blue Eyes and I thought it was really good, very visual. Typical Frank Miller stuff. I haven't read this specific comic but Frank Miller is one of the best at what he does.

I actually liked the V.O.'s but some of it could easily be left out, since you pretty much explain the same thing in your Action lines. Example, try reading page 2 and 3 without reading the V.O. dialog, it actually works better that way and you still know what's going on. Miho seems a bit out of place in that scene where Jim is running down the alley. You should lose her, she doesn't add anything to the scene except a dead body.

Like I said, I liked this one and I will definitely have a look at the other chapters.

One question though, did you 'just' transfer the comic to a script or did you expand on what was already written?


Regards
Rob

I didn't expand much. A  line and some action here and there. This Sin City stuff was just to train my adaption and writing skills.

No doubt about these being based off of Frank Miller that's for sure.  I'd certainly say you did an excellent job adapting these from the graphic novels and I can't help visualizing everything as if it were directed by Robert Rodriguez.

I read all of these at once and I'd have to say the only one I didn't like was the last one, "Wrong Track".  I haven't read the Frank Miller version, but it just seemed a little too short.

Anyway, excellent work.

Pat

This is a cool short. I've never read any of Frank Miller's stuff, but I saw the movie (watched it again last night actually), and I have to say, this is good work. The dialogue sounds like it's pretty authentic, which leads me to the question: How much of this is straight from the comic? I get the sense that Sin City is like 98% directly out of the comics.

There was one paragraph of action that you need to rework. It is:

Around the corner to where he's standing there are a few scattered
HOOKERS, wearing tick high heels and fish net skirts, walking back and
forth and a MAN walking towards the corner where Jim is.

Split the hookers and the man into 2 different sentences--at least--but maybe even paragraphs. Tick I think should be thick, and I'm not too sure about fish net skirts. Stockings I'll give you, but skirts? In the rain? I dunno. Just seemed like to much.

I thought  the voice over worked well. It reminded me of the V.O.s from dwight, merv, and Bruce Willis, in the movie in voice, style, and teh pacing, all of which is good. Yeah. That's all. Good work.

Quoted from Ike This is a cool short. I've never read any of Frank Miller's stuff, but I saw the movie (watched it again last night actually), and I have to say, this is good work. The dialogue sounds like it's pretty authentic, which leads me to the question: How much of this is straight from the comic? I get the sense that Sin City is like 98% directly out of the comics. There was one paragraph of action that you need to rework. It is: Around the corner to where he's standing there are a few scattered HOOKERS, wearing tick high heels and fish net skirts, walking back and forth and a MAN walking towards the corner where Jim is. Split the hookers and the man into 2 different sentences--at least--but maybe even paragraphs. Tick I think should be thick, and I'm not too sure about fish net skirts. Stockings I'll give you, but skirts? In the rain? I dunno. Just seemed like to much. I thought  the voice over worked well. It reminded me of the V.O.s from dwight, merv, and Bruce Willis, in the movie in voice, style, and teh pacing, all of which is good. Yeah. That's all. Good work.

Thanks for reading, Isaak.

Read the other two too!

It's all from the comic, give or take a line and scene element here and there.

Thanks for letting me know about that paragraph.

Fish net skirts in sin city rain. didn't Marv getting shot in the head three hundred times without dying seem like too much? It's an artistic comic book, my man.

Good Point, Dan. Is Blue Eyes that whore that sold the prostitutes to the mafia in Sin City?

Nope. That would be Becky.

Blue Eyes will have a role in the third movie.