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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  On Line
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Don
Posted: May 4th, 2007, 5:20am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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On Line by Steve Burton (SBurton) - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A small diverse group waits in an urban bus depot line to experience role reversals when the bus arrives.  8 pages

production: This story could easily be adapted to most locations. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  May 23rd, 2019, 1:50pm
revised draft
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alffy
Posted: May 5th, 2007, 3:13pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Steve gave this a read and erm not sure really, this was well weird.

I thought it was a bit confusing as your had no character names and referred to everyone as either Man or Woman.

Overall your format was ok, but some of your descriptions were too long.  Most people say you should keep them to a maximum of 4 lines.

Your dialogue seemed strange at times, with characters speaking seemingly nonsical sentences.  Maybe this was the feel you were looking for but it all seemed kind of spaced to me.

The ending was kinda cool though but I feel I maybe missed the point...are they dead and waiting to take their last ride???

Anywho not to bad but needs work for me.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Daniel_Robinson
Posted: May 5th, 2007, 6:10pm Report to Moderator
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The story comes from your mind. So have fun!

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Interesting script.

Is the staues and the old man stuck in time? Or is the moral to the story time waits for no one? I got lost a few times but then it started to unfold. it's interesting because this makes you think alot. lol  

I didn't get all of it but what I did get was that the old man was just going places to go.

Good idea,

Keep up the good work.

Dan


Gotta keep writing!

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and more, run my name in search.

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Gerald
Posted: May 7th, 2007, 9:06pm Report to Moderator
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Weird but kind of cool. Well written. In some ways it reminded me of Fellini's circus movies. Like European art house or something – the many characters in the train station and the living statues. The anonymity of the characters made it a little hard to read at times.
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Loulou
Posted: January 6th, 2012, 10:08pm Report to Moderator
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I honestly did not know what to expect with this one ... I actually felt it might take an existentialist point of view.

Overall I was not sure of the meaning. Is this bus terminal lobby a supernatural place?

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Dreamscale
Posted: January 6th, 2012, 10:58pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Hmmm, the author never once chimed in, and the last post was 4 1/2 years ago.

What's the point of reviewing this, Lou?


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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TheRichcraft
Posted: January 12th, 2012, 10:25pm Report to Moderator
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Unique script. I would change the characters' names to Girl, Woman, Lady for the females, and Boy, Man, and Elder for the men. Less confusing to make out who the characters are.
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brandonstephensfilms
Posted: January 12th, 2012, 11:50pm Report to Moderator
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So, why'd the old man have a boner?
That's what I got from it, but the rest I didn't get.
Your dialogue was OK, characters not a big deal for me.
I could see everything in my head, so well done on that.
As a filmmaker, I don't see someone shooting this except for scene practice, because it's just a scene in a much bigger story...


A short film from a Script I found on SimplyScripts.com
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courhaw
Posted: January 15th, 2012, 5:01pm Report to Moderator
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hey steve, your writing is going to take off once you thin out your descriptions and tweak your dialogue. the descriptions you wrote are very wordy, you don't have to explain every small detail in a spec. if you've ever read some of the produced scripts you'll notice how lean their descritpions are and that when they are long, the information is absolutely necessary. try to eliminate some of the and's as well. that'll make for a smoother read for reviewers who do not like to read anyway. none of do. the story itself muddled along shifting back and forth btwn the ticket counter the line and anicillary characters who didn't seem necessary for such a short script. two or three characters would have been enough. but you definitely know how to write. overall, decent to good effort. some stylistic issues, a few structural matters and lenghtier scripts will do you a world of good, steve. keep writing and stay positive.
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 15th, 2012, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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Hmmm, I wonder if Steve's writing took off, as this was written and posted almost 5 years ago, now.

It's great to see peeps wasting their time on shit like this that has never once been responded to by the writer.

Are you guys fucking high, or what?  C'mon, now...


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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irish eyes
Posted: January 18th, 2012, 8:18pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Well you saved me a read Jeff

Mark


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Dreamscale
Posted: January 18th, 2012, 8:39pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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I'm always here to help.

It just amazes me how ^&%$#$%^ some peeps really are.

But, anyone can read and comment on anything they feel like.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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