Terminal 2 by Joe Allen Barniak - Short - Sarah and Jennifer just arrived at the airport.  Something fishy is going on here.  Jennifer needs to watch her sister better.  The twist at the end is completely unexpected.  10 pages - pdf, format

This wasn't bad.

It's well-written for the most part, thought it seems like you let yourself go towards the end and the descriptions were minimalistic to say the least.

It had a nice pace and pretty good dialogue. Jennifer and Sarah had nice banter and were both likeable.

I did have problems with it though. First of all the 'twist' ending. I didn't get it. I couldn't figure out if Jennifer was dead on the screen or if she was dead in the terminal. And I didn't get if those guys by the TV were terrorists? Why was she naked at the end?

Secondly I would strongly advise against stating in your log line that there is a twist and whether or not it will be unexpected. When you make the reader aware there's a twist and even advertise it, they're gonna be looking for it, every angle there is. I know I did.

Some smaller issues were the fact that you directed the camera. You do not write camera movements like "TILT UP" in a spec script. It's implied that what you write is what the camera sees.

Also I didn't understand why Sarah wouldn't just tell the flight attendant she's with Sarah? She may be 10-years-old by she's not a deaf-mute, and we already established she's smart og audacious enough to talk to adults.

Also your title page needs fixing.


And I know this is me being extremely nitpicky but there's a line of dialogue I thought was kinda odd as well:

JENNIFER BELL
Now you gotta suffer from your own
ignorance.

The use of the word "ignorance" really bothered me. I know it's nitpicky, but Sarah isn't really ignorant. Ignorance implies lack of knowledge on a subject that other people know something about, like being ignorant of "culture" or "sanitation". I don't think that's the right word for what Jennifer means.

But like I said, it wasn't bad. But I think it needs a bit of work.

Thanks man, great advice.  I'll use it.  Hope you didn't lose too much sleep over 'ignorance'.  

You have a few format errors but nothing major here, just watch your Sluglines for errors i.e. your first one has an error.  Also you start with, 'On a fake Santa..' I didn't get this.  Finally you don't need to capitalise character names once you've introduced them.

Anyway on with the review...

You describe Jennifer as been in her upper teens and then mature?  Do you mature for a teenager?  If so you need to show us that not just tell us.

I liked the riddle and the dialogue around it.  It felt really natural.

I'm always dubious about describing things like this...'as if they never lost a step'.  I'm not sure this is the best way.

'Here's comes the rude remark'.  I'd take this out, it's not needed.

As for the ending twist...I didn't get it, am I missing something.

I'm baffled by your last scene, '4 bags are divided evenly on both sides.  It's easy to tell which bags belong to who'.  I don't know what to make of these two sentences?

SPOILERS!!

I'm I right to think Jennifer and Sarah's dad is dead?

But the last description about Jennifer being dead and naked???  I'm sorry but my minds empty here lol.  You'll have to give me a clue cos I'm lost.

Overall your dialogue was good but some of your descriptions were confusing, as were some of your character names e.g. Teller #1, Attendant #1 and so on.  Especially as I didn't notice any #2's (no pun intended).

I can't really comment on the overall story as it passed me by but I'd love to know what I missed.

Oh yeah, Alffy brings up the riddle. Maybe I'm just a knucklehead about logic (wouldn't be the first time) but the question was how many minutes do the three pills LAST if you have to take one every 30 minutes.

Now this is how my brain works.

00:00: Pill number one swallowed with a glass of moutain dew.

Lasts till 00:30 where you pop pill number two.

which then lasts until 01:00 where you pop the last pill

which LASTS until 01:30.

So the answer should be 90 minutes, shouldn't it?

Hey your right on the button there Death Monkey, it does say how many minutes do the pills last but it could be either.  Does he mean how long till they are consumed or how long does it stay in your system?  Puzzler.

Thanks guys for taking the time.  Good point about the riddle.  I guess we'll never know if Sarahs right--Stupid Jennifer.

Joe,

First off it's Santa Claus.  No E at the end.  Also, I'm glad you let me know that this Santa is a fake.  I'd be ultra disappointed to think that Santa Claus is busy peddling papers when he should be back at the North Pole making my toys for next Christmas.  Yeah, I'm a smartass.

The story itself was alright, but like all of the other readers commented.....

What's up with the ending, and why are we all missing this?  Please take a minute to answer this, because you're 3 for 3 here so far with people missing it.  I have a theory on it, but there's something about the way it's written that causes my theory to not jive.  Basically that the beginning is the end.

Anyway, please shed some light on this.

And the answer to the riddle is 60 minutes.  It's not how long the effects of the pills last, it's the pills themselves.  This is a common riddle.

Mike and others,
The ending was unexpected.  If I built it up, you'd figure it out.  
Theres little clues within the story:  
The people she sees,
the santa clause,
maybe it has something to do with whats on television.

Somebody did it, and the clues are in there.  

Joe,

It's not a game, it's a script.  Once the story is complete, if you've done your job, the reader should know what's going on or what happened.  Unless you're David Lynch, but then everything else you do from then on out can't make sense either.

A twist is only a twist if the reader can identify it.  Otherwise, it's just a mystery, and not many people are going to read the script numerous times looking for the answer.  Although you may luck out and find that someone who took the time to find the secret message in that Crispin Glover album is a member here.

Quoted Text The ending was unexpected.  If I built it up, you'd figure it out.

But Joe, we're supposed to figure it out. It's alright not being explicit, and leaving clues around for your readers, but so far none of them has 'gotten it'. And I've read it twice. Your clues obviously aren't doing a good enough job. You've purposely obscurified your meaning to the point where the only one who sees it is you.


P.S. Mike,

hopefully you'd agree that in the the riddle presented in the script the answer is 90 minutes, not 60?

I think I've heard a similar riddle once with the 60-minute answer, but in the script the poser is "how many minutes do the pills last?".

Sorry, I just couldn't figure out if you were picking on the the way the riddle is presented or my cognitive brain-power.

Well, the way I read it is how long do the pills last and not the effects of the pills, in which case the answer that Sarah gave would be the correct one since the last pill would be taken at the 60 minute mark.

And I figured out the mystery of the script.....


The Butler did it.

Oh I see.

About the pills. Not the Butler.

The butler did it!!  Oh I thought it was Professor Plum with the rope in the library.

LOL thanks guys