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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Hello Mr. Cool Moderators: bert
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  Author    Hello Mr. Cool  (currently 4110 views)
Don
Posted: May 23rd, 2007, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Hello, Mr. Cool by Danny Naylor (kenada_woo) - Thriller - In the style of 70’s hard-nosed crime films such as Mean Streets, The Squeeze and The Outfit, CHRISTIAN QUAID manages a hip and exclusive club in the centre of the city.  During the day the place is dead as disco, but at night the place is alive.  The characteristics of his job are far from the norm.  The bar is owned by a respected and feared crime boss, MAX, and is the epicentre of illegal business deals set-up by the syndicate he works for.  It's up to Chris to keep the business efficient and make sure things run smoothly for the gorgeous MEL, the deal breaker and girlfriend, and all the people involved.  114 pages - pdf, format


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Don  -  May 23rd, 2007, 8:01pm
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kenada_woo
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Just putting up a message wondering if anyone is interested in giving my screenplay a little read and feedback.  

Cheers
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elis
Posted: June 7th, 2007, 10:44pm Report to Moderator
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I'm back :)

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will exchange reviews if interested


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kenada_woo
Posted: June 8th, 2007, 1:33pm Report to Moderator
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Cool.  I'll give Edwards Revenge a read.  Cheers
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NW3
Posted: June 12th, 2007, 3:14pm Report to Moderator
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What kind of feedback do you want? Can you accept criticism? I've read your script a few times (I found some parts confusing) and I'd say there are many things you can do to improve. Format is mostly fine but it needs a proof read. I'd want to go through the story a bit more, so let me know if you are open to suggestions on that.
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kenada_woo
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Yeah, go right ahead.  Just generally what you thought of it to be honest.  
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NW3
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Danny,

It's taken me a little while to work through this, no other replies in two months means this should be it till the next draft.

Format is fine. I'd suggest not using MAN #1 and MAN #2 (who becomes CHRISTIAN QUAID in VO a few lines after) in your flashback opening. I read it more than once without realising GAUNT MAN was YOUNG DOUG in the later scene. Use regular names the first time a character speaks, especially if they aren't known by name yet but they will be, i.e. SNAPPY MAN shouldn't be SKINNY (SNAPPY MAN) before becoming SKINNY. I found the transitions using (VO) confusing sometimes.

Get your work proofed. Most errors are left by a spellchecker. Knobhead is one word with a K, cheap-arse would be hyphenated, 'bad arse' reads better as bad ass. It's easy to miss things like 'desk draw' but you use 'manor' so often it's worth getting right. It matters because bad grammar and punctuation sometimes makes things hard to understand, (should 'contempt thought' be contemplation? Should Doug and the others be contemplating instead of 'complementing'? Is Barry contempt or content while driving Chris home?) If you don't care at this stage, leave it for later. The bigger problem for me is the lack of a story.

You are obviously into modern gangster movies (GOODFELLAS is referenced). From the titles in your summary I thought this could be interesting but it's nothing like those films. It does have lots of violence, and swearing, but this should come out of the story not be the focus of the script. Apart from people threatening each other and scenes of brutal violence, almost nothing happens for any good reason. For example, there is an extended sequence where one gang bust in on another gang and kick everything to pieces, with slow motion and sound effects and everything. How would it be if this was left out entirely and Doug simply showed up at the bar and said, "We got the stuff"? The entire sequence could be seen in a few sentences: "Trouble?" "Not really." "How much?" "Six kilos. They said there was only two, but then they remembered the rest." In terms of your plot there would be no difference, and it would be up to the director whether he wanted to punctuate the exchange with cuts to show the actual violence. In that case there would be nothing for you to describe and I expect your enthusiasm for the story would quickly disappear. That's what it's like to read it.

Here is what you've got as I understood it:

[*SPOILERS*]

- Two men fight. One holds a gun to the head of the other, who threatens to kill him. Two other men argue nearby

- Years later, one of the two fighting men (CHRIS) reminisces with DOUG, one of the men arguing, while dressing in a bedroom. Chris leaves for work

- Chris is manager of a nightclub and greets door staff and BARRY the barman. He exchanges pleasantries with a bodyguard for two men arranging a drugs deal in a private meeting room. He is called to the toilets where he intimidates three clubbers taking drugs on the premises. He joins two doormen in a vicious assault

- Two days later Doug meets gang leader SKINNY to fence stolen jewellery. Skinny has a bigger deal in hand and rejects the goods

- In his office Chris fires MERCER

- In his office Doug schemes with TERRY, PAUL, DAVEY, and JIMMY to take over Skinny's new deal, with local crime boss club owner MAX as the potential buyer. Doug knows Chris will not tell him anything about deals in the club he runs for Max, so Terry offers to find out what he can

- In the club bar Barry greets MEL an old friend who works for Max. She expresses concern for his dying mother

- Mel goes to Chris's office and immediately embraces him passionately. He asks her about the work that has kept them apart but she reveals little. The two dealers from the club went missing the night he saw them. She has been sent to make new connections

- Meanwhile in the empty bar THE COLLECTOR comes looking for Chris. Barry sends him away. Mel and Chris come down. Mel embraces Barry and reminds Chris she will see him that night. Barry tells Chris about the man looking for him. Chris offers Barry paid leave if he needs it

- Mel and Chris share a romantic evening. He promises to support her in her stressful job

- In another FLASHBACK we see Doug persuade the two men not to kill Chris. They seek revenge for Chris's attack on a man who assaulted his sister. One punches Doug

- In a FLASHBACK return to the bedroom shortly before we last saw them, Doug reminds Chris of the beating he took for him

- In the same bedroom in the present Chris is with Mel. She says she would go away with him if asked

- Doug meets Terry. He has found a SMACKHEAD who knows about Skinny's deal. Skinny has cocaine that belonged to the missing dealers, and the gang realise Max needs a new supplier. They immediately plan a raid on Skinny

- Mel brings new associates to the club bar

- Davey, Doug, Terry, and the Smackhead go with Jimmy and Paul to rob Skinny

- Chris makes Mel's associates welcome at the club and leaves them in a private meeting room

- In his run-down apartment Skinny's gang are rushed by Doug's. Skinny accidentally shoots one of his own men. Doug shoots him in the leg to give up the cocaine. Terry discovers Davey having sex with an unconscious addict in a bedroom. He drags him off, as Doug assaults Skinny. The gang leave with the drugs

- Barry sees Mel leave the club in a hurry. Chris says Max has called her away. Barry sees Chris is troubled and offers support

- Terry attacks Davey and is restrained by the rest of the gang. Doug sends everyone home. Terry takes out his frustration on the Smackhead, who is beaten then abandoned

- Skinny and his gang regroup. The addict is unaware she has been raped. The Collector appears. He has come for the drugs stolen from his employer. A gang member attacks him but is killed. Skinny agrees to tell who has the drugs

- Chris is concerned when he cannot contact Mel. He phones to ask if Max  knows her whereabouts. Barry phones through to say Doug has arrived to see Chris

- Doug presses Chris to arrange a meeting with Max. After Doug leaves, Barry is concerned for Chris. He tells him Mel is at home, and Chris leaves

- As he drives, Chris thinks back once again to the confrontation between Doug and the two men that wanted to kill him years ago

- At Mel's home Chris demands to know about her job

- In Doug's office Davey samples the cocaine. The door buzzes

- Chris speaks to Mel of his dead sister. Mel tells Chris about Skinny and the stolen cocaine, and how Max intends to get it back. Chris is angry that Mel is in a dangerous situation

- Paul and Jimmy arrive at Doug's office to find Davey murdered as a gruesome warning for Doug

- Chris returns to the club and starts drinking. He forces an appointment with Max. Barry phones through to tell Chris the clubbers he threw out have returned. Chris goes to the meeting room where they are again beaten. One tries to shoot Chris, who orders them crippled. The beatings continue

- Paul and Jimmy struggle to remove Davey's body from the office under Doug's supervision. They all know they are targets but do not know the killer

- Mel brings a new group of associates to the bar, but Chris snubs them, embarrassing her. She confronts him angrily. He leaves suddenly

- Terry calls Jimmy to say he knows about Davey, and assures him he wasn't the killer. The Collector appears as Terry arranges to meet Jimmy and Paul at his isolated hideout. Terry is shot dead

- Chris drives to meet Max at another club. He is frisked and granted a short audience. Max informs him The Collector works for the dealers. He cannot take Mel from her work. She has gone to meet Doug. Max crudely suggests Mel used sex to get her job, and hints Doug is next

- Paul, Jimmy, and Doug find Terry's body at the hideout, and the dead Smackhead nearby. Doug insists the deal through Chris will go ahead

- Chris drinks in his office

- Mel attends a night meeting at a warehouse with guards and shady businessmen

- Chris mopes in his office. Doug is concerned but presses to meet Max, hoping for protection. Chris tells him their friendship is over

- Mel completes her business deal, suffering nervous exhaustion

- Chris has passed out and Barry takes him home

- Mel resolves to leave with Chris the next day

- Laying low, Jimmy and Paul are killed by The Collector. Doug returns to find their bodies, and flees with the drugs

- Chris wakes in the morning late for work. He hurries to the bar and finds Barry left for dead. He barely revives him and is told the attacker is now after Mel

- Chris rushes to warn her

- Mel is attacked in her home by The Collector

- Chris nearly kills two pedestrians. He abandons his car and runs to Mel's apartment

- Mel is tortured but will not betray Chris

- Chris bursts in and kills The Collector

- Next morning Barry finds the bar empty and realises Chris has gone

- Chris and Mel drive away together



That is your story. If I've missed something important or misunderstood then you get an idea of what isn't clear. At the moment such events as there are have no bearing on each other, and one situation does not arise logically from what has gone before. It needs some work to tie the different elements together and make it worth the read.
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NW3
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Whose story is it? From the summary it's not easy to tell:

---
In the style of 70's hard-nosed crime films such as Mean Streets, The Squeeze and The Outfit, CHRISTIAN QUAID manages a hip and exclusive club in the centre of the city.  During the day the place is dead as disco, but at night the place is alive.  The characteristics of his job are far from the norm.  The bar is owned by a respected and feared crime boss, MAX, and is the epicentre of illegal business deals set-up by the syndicate he works for.  It's up to Chris to keep the business efficient and make sure things run smoothly for the gorgeous MEL, the deal breaker and girlfriend, and all the people involved.
---

Let the reader decide what style it's in. Names don't matter, just give us characters that want something, and say why. The club doesn't seem hip or exclusive, and it doesn't make any difference whether or not it's in the centre of the city, whichever city it may be. His job in fact seems very normal, except that he gets to slam patrons around in the toilets. Max is mentioned, and occurs in the script fairly often as a looming presence, but doesn't appear until page 84 and then only briefly. I didn't get the feeling of a syndicate behind him, or why he is feared. The script isn't about the running of a club, that's just the backdrop. HELLO, MR COOL makes it plain it's the meeting of Mel and Chris that is the driver of the story but I couldn't see anything special in that. At least we expect it to be more about Chris; more interesting than his girlfriend (deal broker not 'breaker') is the Chris-Doug relationship.

You open on a flashback scene that is the source of Chris and Doug's bonding, but even though it's referred to and revisited at points through the script there is no pay-off or explanation, unless I missed the significance. We learn nothing more each time the scene is visited, Doug makes no great pledge or revelation. This must be the incident that influences events after, which only becomes apparent when all is done, or else why include it? See THE USUAL SUSPECTS for how a flashback opening might work. Partly because of your habit of changing character names I actually missed what was going on here. Make MAN #1 the younger TALL MAN aka DEEP VOICE (give him a properv name), under the orders of Max. This way the scene might explain why Chris is compelled to work for the feared and respected Max.

If Chris is in some way indebted to Doug, then the story should be resolved by his somehow repaying him. Doug should have made some personal sacrifice in saving Chris that binds them together. If I have it right he just sort of told the two men it wasn't worth it? Whatever happened, it was no skin off Doug's nose. After this crucial event the two men don't rely on one another or work together or share the same goal, or anything like that. By his own account Chris has done many things that show he is grateful but all Doug needs here is an introduction to Chris's boss. You have a tearful parting scene as their friendship is over, so perhaps you can reveal that Doug saved Chris for a less than altruistic reason (perhaps Doug was in fact to blame for Lucy's death and Chris only just realised it). The slate is wiped clean as Chris calls the heat off Doug, but now they must go their separate ways. This opening scene will bind the theme of the screenplay and explain events as its significance unfolds. The two men are bound by events of the past that effect them now. In fact Doug has little interaction with Chris, he's in his own world of petty crime.

Mercer has no place in this script. Maybe his role changed from an earlier draft, but he appears here with nothing to do, and then departs entirely. It might be good to have him knock over the two dealers for example, but probably I'd change his scene to Chris calling Doug into the office. Have Doug working for Max under Chris's management, to bring these elements under the same roof, perhaps even with Doug taking the place of Barry's character, since Barry only distracts from the Doug-Chris axis. Lead the story to the reason why Chris has to let him go, and then there is revenge as motivation.

I found the entire opening very confusing, not understanding a word of what Chris and Doug had to say. What are they doing all these years later - two men in a bedroom, one dishevelled and remorseful, the other getting dressed... This happens every year? "I'm gonna work," growls Chris. Why is he not working? What is the '"subject" at hand'? If they are supposed to be lovers, say so.

Make every element of your screenplay work for you, there is no room for an empty scene such as where Chris steps out of a parked car and enters the nightclub on page 2. It's just to show him arriving for work. You could better use it to establish who he is: have the space marked RESERVED and his name on a plate under Manager and we get the situation in a second. If we soon learned he was not in fact the manager, but he parked in his space, we'd have a whole different character. Or maybe he is the manager, yet they haven't changed the sign, telling us he is new to the job, this perhaps hinting at the sudden removal of the last manager, which would suggest his own job is precarious. Or a hundred things, not just a guy getting out of a car because it makes a cool shot. Otherwise, we could simply join Chris in the club.

CHRISTIAN QUAID would be better as CHRIS or QUAID throughout (you've even misspelt it near the beginning). DOUG COHAAGEN just DOUG.

Again, I couldn't see what was the point of following Chris all through the club having half conversations then joining an unnecessary and vicious assault on three befuddled clubbers. There isn't anything cool about that. The idea might be to show Chris can handle himself, or enjoys a ruck, but it only establishes him as a thug.

The script includes a reference to GOODFELLAS. It's obvious you are influenced by other movies and that's not a bad thing but it doesn't have to be literal. The Copacobana shot is famous as a piece of bravura filmmaking but I can't be the only one wondering why the camera went all the way around following Henry through the kitchen only to end up back in the corner where he started, and wonder what this long scene has to do with the story. The better lesson to take from that film is where Jimmy sends Karen out along the deserted street from his store. We've seen unpredictable violence at moments like this and it's nearly unbearable as she hesitates and looks round uncertainly; the threat of something terrible is more effective than simply showing a violent incident. You can't easily translate this kind of filmed action into a script anyway, just concentrate on the characters and what they do.

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NW3  -  August 27th, 2007, 5:18pm
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I guess the choppy scene with Doug holding five conversations on the phone was fun to write, but it is very confusing to read and understand, and has nothing to do with the story. I don't know that he meets or speaks to any of the five people again, which is just as well since he ends each conversation with a foul-mouthed tirade. The effect of this will be of a hyperactive character with many deals on the go, yet this is the only time something like this goes off.

The severed finger with the wedding ring attached is an arresting image. That scene could open the script. It isn't explained or followed through, so is it just there for effect?

I don't know why everybody packs a Beretta. Do they all use the same dealer? A gun is a gun, and you don't need to write BANG!!! when one goes off.

With the shift between Chris's world and Doug's, flashbacks, unrelated scenes, and characters coming and going - names like Georgie, Matty, and Jayo are mentioned only in passing, although Jayo might be another name for Johno, who is probably a different Johno to Skinny Gang Member #3? - it took me two reads to figure out what was supposed to be going on. Mercer is introduced it seems only to give opinions on MORTAL KOMBAT 2. Focus on Chris and Doug and relations between them, with Mel as the floating element, driving a wedge between them.

The story does seem to be moving as Doug's gang plan the attack on Skinny, since there is to be some connection with Chris through the bar that Max owns. "He doesn't get involved. Never has, never will," sets up the conflict between two former friends. This isn't explored.

What is Mel supposed to be doing? She puts her work before her private life, then appears ready to give it up. Chris seems already to have her, cares too much about her, drives her away with misdirected attention, rushes to save her and literally heads off to the sun. It shouldn't be so easy. She first appears to flirt with Barry, but he has little to do in this script, and this familiarity detracts attention from her relationship with Chris. Her first introduction should be leaning in Chris's doorway, cooing the title. The usual, more interesting thing would be to have sexual tension between the two, with romance out of the question (she is Max's girl). If you want them to have had a history, then her reappearing in his life at this critical time should have a direct impact on the story. Perhaps he has set up a deal that will now fall through, or be distracted from his struggle to keep drugs out of his club. She can be working on her own interests in unwitting or purposeful opposition to his. Doug is the catalyst. I think it needs a lot more than you have in the script to involve the reader in these people's concerns.

When Mel first mentioned them, I thought the 'suppliers' were the clubbers Chris beat up at the beginning, but those three have nothing to do with the story, simply providing heads to break, not once but twice. In fact, it's the Young Men with the Suited Man (who we learned nothing about) that were the dealers, yet it isn't clear what was going on during their appearance, more time being spent swapping cool slang in the corridor ("Got your coke and a smile?" "...in, out, up and down the spout.") The depiction of violence seems important to you, so I'd make it matter to the story. Chris could still have the clubbers beaten up as you describe but find himself in trouble if Max thought he'd messed up a deal due to a misunderstanding, when it turns out they were there to meet the Young Men from the big dealer. It would make sense this way because you would give Chris a moral centre. He doesn't mind dodgy dealing like cheap liquor for the club, but he will have no truck with drugs. As the story evolves we learn why - the unresolved Lucy strand. (She OD'd.)

It's bad enough that there's no story with the main characters, there are too many minor players and it's not easy to know what any of them are up to. Almost everybody winds up dead. Doug needs to be Chris's lifelong friend who turns out to betray him, for whatever reason. You don't need Max at all. Deep Voice knows Chris by name, but isn't mentioned as being Tall Man when they meet, although he does speak with a deep voice. The inference is that he is a mysterious character whose identity has to be concealed from the reader, but this isn't so and it only creates confusion. I took the Collector as a Vinny Jones cipher, although he is less than menacing with his handlebar moustache, fingerless mittens, and brown roll-ups. I don't know what he was doing at the bar looking for Chris when we first meet him, but seconds after he goes away Chris strolls down from the office and could easily have bumped into him. Later he terrorises people to be told the man he's looking for has an office here like it never occurred to him? You should work harder on a villain than having him do that tired shushing and smoothing of hair as he prepares to torture a bound woman.

Doug and the gang steal the coke off Skinny easily enough (so who did kill the two dealers?) but I couldn't see why Max would want to buy it. He could send someone like the Collector to steal it back, but he wouldn't want it anyway because he needs a regular supply not a one-off.

I couldn't see what was driving Chris, and his headaches and drinking made him seem passive and weak. Yet he is the hero who acts once and gets the girl in the end. Despite the history alluded to I don't know what he and Mel had in common. The way these things are usually done there is a man who has lived all his life through violence to get what he thinks he wants. With the love of a good woman he comes to realise it's not the way to live, and renounces his past. He reaches a crisis as everything he holds dear is threatened and he must use violence one last time to resolve it. If that's the intention here I didn't see it.

I can see what you are going for in the tender scenes between Mel and Chris, but they haven't earned this in the story. You could better show her as something he cannot have (if she is his boss's moll or the girlfriend of loyal Barry), and Barry seems to get the intimacy Chris longs for but is denied. Reveal the true reason for her affection for Barry towards the end, where Barry takes care of Chris and opens up to him. Chris sees he has misread their relationship and realises the door is open. Then his rushing to save her would mean something.

Barry is underused. Is he meant to be gay? He shares huggies with Mel, and he and Doug display mutual loathing with no explanation. I didn't quite understand what happened when the Collector tried to kill him even as Chris (the man he is after) arrives for work. Why kill Barry? What is Chris "so sorry" for, being late for work? Barry gets the bar in the end but his casual attitude from the rest of the script doesn't seem to show he wants it. The place is a liability anyway. This ending only works if Chris is the owner, not Max, or if Max has been killed and Chris walks away to his new life.

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About dialogue. You've got plenty of swearing, which I found tiresome to read as it obscures the meaning of what people need to say. It would be far more effective with just a few short sentences wherever characters interact, with the threat of violence implied instead of long pointless rants e.g. "Well f--- you, Paul, you f----n h--o! Do what you f----n want! This c--- is after me, alright! I'm gonna be knocking on St Peter's gate before the week's up, you f----n m----!" Well, it can't come soon enough, that's playground name-calling and does nothing for the story or characters. You need to drop such tough guy posturing and bring out the reality of the situation by using fewer but more important words. In that particular instance the gang are clucking like hens with a fox loose, but there is little sense of menace because they clench their teeth and tough it out. It would be much more chilling if they find the mutilated body and give each other silent looks, knowing they are next. (See THINGS TO DO IN DENVER WHEN YOU'RE DEAD for an idea of their predicament.)

I didn't get why the Collector visited the bar before going after Doug and his gang, or why he ends up seeking Chris, who isn't involved in any of it. There is anyway no sense that Chris is in imminent danger, he doesn't have to do anything and has nothing at stake; if he just stays quiet he'll be fine. He makes token efforts to get Mel out of it but she doesn't have anything to do with the drug raid either. The Collector bumps off everyone, when he could just have started with Doug and recovered the drugs like he was supposed to. For some reason Doug skips away scot free towards the end - is a sequel in mind? To keep it the way you have it, Chris should put his own head on the block trying to help Doug (the repaying element) and when things go wrong deflect the heat from Mel to earn her love and respect. Max should be pulling the strings, with the possibility that Tall Man is trying to take over his operation. Everything should be leading to the final, inevitable confrontation.

Chris tells Doug he can't help him because Max didn't send the Collector. He says Doug has "killed us both". That sounds dramatic but how is it so? The scene ends with tears and embraces, but now should come the germ of a last all-or-nothing plan to fight back.

Just at this moment Mel has successfully concluded her latest business deal. This could be revealed at the end as a double-cross that messes Max good and sets her and Chris up for their new life. As it was, I didn't know what was the significance.

Not only is the violence nearly all gratuitous (adding nothing to the plot) but the story sometimes stops to accommodate it, such as Chris breaking off a desperate drive to jump out and assault two blameless pedestrians. He implausibly runs out of petrol moments later, so you might as well have him crash because of the chavs and abandon the car there.

The climax is Mel's torture and Chris's running to save her. If the film was shown the way you write, cutting back and forth, it might look exciting but there would be no tension. We just know Chris is going to bust in at the critical moment and Boom! it's all over. (It would be wholly unexpected if Mel had just been killed and the Collector offed Chris too, for that downbeat '70s ending.) Really, you should have her completely at the mercy of the sadistic killer, with just the threat of violence and no cutting off fingers. She has just had the row with Chris, and has no expectation that he is on the way. He needs to come to some realisation between then and now that triggers the rescue. Mel has brushed with danger in her job when she thought she could handle it, but she never bargained for this - no-one messes with the Collector. Even better if Mel had taken on Max, made him pay for something he'd done, perhaps years before, and she patiently inveigled her way into his trust before turning and twisting the knife. Here is his revenge. Similarly, Chris will have done something that puts him in danger and Mel realises her action led to it. Something in Chris's past too has Max at its heart (the Lucy incident?) and then they are bound together by their need to make Max pay. She is now prepared to sacrifice herself to protect Chris. In this case when he rescues her Chris is saving himself and their relationship as well. Mel needs to lay her own demons; Max can have had some hold on her, broken by Chris's intervention. I never got what happened to his sister, but Chris can have his own reason for killing the Collector that is only understood at the end. These are just ideas that might not be your intention, but your script needs some depth to be anything more than a litany of violence.

That's more than a few impressions, of things that might be better, because not much is right as it is. I don't want to be discouraging, a few words shouldn't damage your confidence, since enthusiasm for writing is plain to see (I'd trim out all the exclamations). Others might like it just as it is, where in my view HELLO, MR COOL is misdirected as a rehash of modern gangster movies, concerned with surface gloss and camera setups. Would it work as a short story without any swearing or violence? If not, then it's just titillation and that wouldn't make much of a movie. Find a story worth telling and completely overhaul this, beginning by getting a lock on the story and the relationships of the characters. That will mean changing just about all dialogue; I couldn't remember one single line that anybody spoke. At least cut down on the swearing, so the reader can concentrate on what is said, not how. Limit the script to three scenes of violence (each integral to the story) and only two spoken "f--ks". That's hard, but when you do you'll have a better script. Good luck.
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kenada_woo
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Thanks for reply.  I'm shocked with the length but its good of you to do so.



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Danny,

It's taken me a little while to work through this, no other replies in two months means this should be it till the next draft.

Format is fine. I'd suggest not using MAN #1 and MAN #2 (who becomes CHRISTIAN QUAID in VO a few lines after) in your flashback opening. I read it more than once without realising GAUNT MAN was YOUNG DOUG in the later scene. Use regular names the first time a character speaks, especially if they aren't known by name yet but they will be, i.e. SNAPPY MAN shouldn't be SKINNY (SNAPPY MAN) before becoming SKINNY. I found the transitions using (VO) confusing sometimes.

Get your work proofed. Most errors are left by a spellchecker. Knobhead is one word with a K, cheap-arse would be hyphenated, 'bad arse' reads better as bad A**. It's easy to miss things like 'desk draw' but you use 'manor' so often it's worth getting right. It matters because bad grammar and punctuation sometimes makes things hard to understand, (should 'contempt thought' be contemplation? Should Doug and the others be contemplating instead of 'complementing'? Is Barry contempt or content while driving Chris home?)


Duely noted


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If you don't care at this stage, leave it for later. The bigger problem for me is the lack of a story.

You are obviously into modern gangster movies (GOODFELLAS is referenced). From the titles in your summary I thought this could be interesting but it's nothing like those films. It does have lots of violence, and swearing, but this should come out of the story not be the focus of the script. Apart from people threatening each other and scenes of brutal violence, almost nothing happens for any good reason. For example, there is an extended sequence where one gang bust in on another gang and kick everything to pieces, with slow motion and sound effects and everything. How would it be if this was left out entirely and Doug simply showed up at the bar and said, "We got the stuff"? The entire sequence could be seen in a few sentences: "Trouble?" "Not really." "How much?" "Six kilos. They said there was only two, but then they remembered the rest." In terms of your plot there would be no difference, and it would be up to the director whether he wanted to punctuate the exchange with cuts to show the actual violence. In that case there would be nothing for you to describe and I expect your enthusiasm for the story would quickly disappear. That's what it's like to read it.


The whole point of the script is to focus on the characters rather than the plot.  The sequence is the turning point for everybody and is a key scene.  It’s the explosion of the heist that turn all the characters around – From Doug taking the step forward to becoming a gangster, Chris becomes more and more worried and falls more deeper, Mel is also sucked in, The Collector turns on his violent streak being that they use violence and so will he  to get what he wants.  It’s the confrontation.   The scene shows how they get the drugs but also how ruthless they can be in getting what they want and the dynamic of the group who at are introduced as low-end criminals ending up being tough gangsters.  

I left out the dealers being killed by Skinny at the start of the script because it didn’t involve the core characters.   I wanted to show how Doug gets the drugs and how violent the people can be.  It heightens Doug as a character you intentionally don’t like because he’s cocky, egotistical and also violent when he needs to be, something that is very scary and real in the world these people are from.  In terms of not showing it I think that is down to ways of presenting it.  You can do it either way in my opinion but I felt I should show it – examples of this are “Lock Stock And Two Smoking Barrels” when they steal from the drug sellers.  You don’t need to see the heist because you could just have someone mention it and it doesn’t involve your main characters.  Also, you can never trust what people say until its shown.  The leaving out of the original heist involving the suppliers adds a little of intrigue that we didn’t see it meaning it maybe couldn’t have happened.        

The sequence is also the only splash of real violence and it comes in around 40+ pages, up until then there isn’t if any violence apart from the bathroom scene in the club and the flashback which involves a scuffle and one punch.  
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kenada_woo
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Whose story is it? From the summary it's not easy to tell:

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In the style of 70's hard-nosed crime films such as Mean Streets, The Squeeze and The Outfit, CHRISTIAN QUAID manages a hip and exclusive club in the centre of the city.  During the day the place is dead as disco, but at night the place is alive.  The characteristics of his job are far from the norm.  The bar is owned by a respected and feared crime boss, MAX, and is the epicentre of illegal business deals set-up by the syndicate he works for.  It's up to Chris to keep the business efficient and make sure things run smoothly for the gorgeous MEL, the deal breaker and girlfriend, and all the people involved.
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Let the reader decide what style it's in. Names don't matter, just give us characters that want something, and say why. The club doesn't seem hip or exclusive, and it doesn't make any difference whether or not it's in the centre of the city, whichever city it may be.

His job in fact seems very normal, except that he gets to slam patrons around in the toilets. Max is mentioned, and occurs in the script fairly often as a looming presence, but doesn't appear until page 84 and then only briefly. I didn't get the feeling of a syndicate behind him, or why he is feared. The script isn't about the running of a club, that's just the backdrop. HELLO, MR COOL makes it plain it's the meeting of Mel and Chris that is the driver of the story but I couldn't see anything special in that. At least we expect it to be more about Chris; more interesting than his girlfriend (deal broker not 'breaker') is the Chris-Doug relationship.


Poor summary from me I agree.


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You open on a flashback scene that is the source of Chris and Doug's bonding, but even though it's referred to and revisited at points through the script there is no pay-off or explanation, unless I missed the significance. We learn nothing more each time the scene is visited, Doug makes no great pledge or revelation. This must be the incident that influences events after, which only becomes apparent when all is done, or else why include it? See THE USUAL SUSPECTS for how a flashback opening might work. Partly because of your habit of changing character names I actually missed what was going on here. Make MAN #1 the younger TALL MAN aka DEEP VOICE (give him a properv name), under the orders of Max. This way the scene might explain why Chris is compelled to work for the feared and respected Max.

If Chris is in some way indebted to Doug, then the story should be resolved by his somehow repaying him. Doug should have made some personal sacrifice in saving Chris that binds them together. If I have it right he just sort of told the two men it wasn't worth it? Whatever happened, it was no skin off Doug's nose. After this crucial event the two men don't rely on one another or work together or share the same goal, or anything like that. By his own account Chris has done many things that show he is grateful but all Doug needs here is an introduction to Chris's boss. You have a tearful parting scene as their friendship is over, so perhaps you can reveal that Doug saved Chris for a less than altruistic reason (perhaps Doug was in fact to blame for Lucy's death and Chris only just realised it). The slate is wiped clean as Chris calls the heat off Doug, but now they must go their separate ways. This opening scene will bind the theme of the screenplay and explain events as its significance unfolds. The two men are bound by events of the past that effect them now. In fact Doug has little interaction with Chris, he's in his own world of petty crime.


I agree with points about the relationship and the pay off you mentioned around the Lucy character I will take on board.  But the whole point of the scene is, like you said, give reasoning to why they are friends.  Doug is not a likeable character and you wonder why Chris and Doug are friends. But Doug has done likeable things such as saving Chris from being killed.  Being that Chris is a moralistic character he feels indebted to him for it.  Doug is someone you don’t want to have as a friend because he’s a cocky bastard that nobody likes (Barry tells Chris this to which Chris already knows) but its Doug’s characteristics that actually save Chris (the quick wit, the fearlessness etc).  Chris blames himself for everything that happened to his sister and it plagues him, its why he lives by his rules (something I’m beefing up on the next draft), and the only time he ever needed help he got it from the unlikeliest of places.  

It also gives Doug and certain anti-hero stance.  His characteristics are loathsome but there is something there we can identify and respond to.  Its why I think the ending of their relationship, which has been a long time coming, is emotional because we attach to certain good characteristics Doug has.  Doug knows he fucked up and hates the fact he fucked up everything and everybody around him the minute he steals the drugs, he falls too deep and cant get out.  The flashback scene is about both characters being helpless.  Chris used brute force and got nowhere.  Doug just talked and got them out of it.  The roles get reversed when Doug steals the drugs.  He used force and ends up helpless and its up to Chris to sort things out – something he fails to do in some respect but succeeds in saving the only thing he cares about, Mel.


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Mercer has no place in this script. Maybe his role changed from an earlier draft, but he appears here with nothing to do, and then departs entirely. It might be good to have him knock over the two dealers for example, but probably I'd change his scene to Chris calling Doug into the office. Have Doug working for Max under Chris's management, to bring these elements under the same roof, perhaps even with Doug taking the place of Barry's character, since Barry only distracts from the Doug-Chris axis. Lead the story to the reason why Chris has to let him go, and then there is revenge as motivation.


Mercer and Barry represent the legit side of Chris’ job.  He has to run a bar at the end of the day and it showed that side of his life by firing Mercer (a comedic scene so sorry if none of the humour came across).  Its just two sides of Chris’ job – One at night when he has to take care of the business deals as well as customers (like with any nightclub).  The other in the Day when he has to deal with running the bar and his employees.  
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kenada_woo
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I found the entire opening very confusing, not understanding a word of what Chris and Doug had to say. What are they doing all these years later - two men in a bedroom, one dishevelled and remorseful, the other getting dressed... This happens every year? "I'm gonna work," growls Chris. Why is he not working? What is the '"subject" at hand'? If they are supposed to be lovers, say so.


Sorry if it came across like that (lol).  It will need sorting but the whole point is that they both celebrate Lucy’s birthday (Mel and Chris talk about it later) and what happened to them years ago (the flashbacks of the fight etc) keeps coming back to both of them but none of them want to talk about it and clear the air. They’ve become distant as the years go by but it’s that flashback scene that draws them together.  It’s why it plagues Chris’ mind, it’s the turning point for him to take on these rules he sets for himself to stop him loosing control and keep his eye on the game.

Maybe Doug could be the guy Lucy was going out with and he got her into trouble, something Chris doesn’t know about it, that’s why Doug saved Chris.


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Make every element of your screenplay work for you, there is no room for an empty scene such as where Chris steps out of a parked car and enters the nightclub on page 2. It's just to show him arriving for work. You could better use it to establish who he is: have the space marked RESERVED and his name on a plate under Manager and we get the situation in a second. If we soon learned he was not in fact the manager, but he parked in his space, we'd have a whole different character. Or maybe he is the manager, yet they haven't changed the sign, telling us he is new to the job, this perhaps hinting at the sudden removal of the last manager, which would suggest his own job is precarious. Or a hundred things, not just a guy getting out of a car because it makes a cool shot. Otherwise, we could simply join Chris in the club.


Taken on board.  Heighten his role at the club.


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CHRISTIAN QUAID would be better as CHRIS or QUAID throughout (you've even misspelt it near the beginning). DOUG COHAAGEN just DOUG.

Again, I couldn't see what was the point of following Chris all through the club having half conversations then joining an unnecessary and vicious assault on three befuddled clubbers. There isn't anything cool about that. The idea might be to show Chris can handle himself, or enjoys a ruck, but it only establishes him as a thug


As mentioned before its shows what happens in the club and what he’s a part of.  He oversees the drug deal but doesn’t get involved but he also has to run a club.  The 3 clubbers he beats up add to his character.  He’s a gangster at the end of the day and they have to be tough, can handle themselves, Max even tells Chris later that he’s always had a bad temper, that he is violent, but its something Chris is trying to get away from. Chris does talk to them professionally but the only thing that will get them out is violence (which happens in every club).  It supposed to add to him and what he does night after night, and he’s very good at it – see “A Bittersweet Life” “Sonatine”  It’s about respect and its earned that way.


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The script includes a reference to GOODFELLAS. It's obvious you are influenced by other movies and that's not a bad thing but it doesn't have to be literal. The Copacobana shot is famous as a piece of bravura filmmaking but I can't be the only one wondering why the camera went all the way around following Henry through the kitchen only to end up back in the corner where he started, and wonder what this long scene has to do with the story.


The whole point of the shot in Goodfellas is showing the world Henry is now a part of and introducing it to Karen.  With the one shot we see Henry getting VIP service, knowing everyone in the club, knowing lots of people who know him, getting the best table, people buying him drinks, him slipping the waiters 20 dollars each.  It shows Henry’s lifestyle of being a gangster and how great the life can be, almost a celebrity lifestyle if you will. And being that he’s trying to impress Karen, he does a good job of it.

That’s what I was trying to put across in that scene.  He runs this upper class and hip club and him strolling into the place in a quiet VIP style just heightens the characteristics of how cool the guy is – you’d want to be him.  Maybe I should make him acknowledge lots of people who know him, heighten it more.  Maybe by taking out the reference should make it work better.  They camera directions are there being side notes because it is something I’d direct and I hadn’t taken them out, apologies.  


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I guess the choppy scene with Doug holding five conversations on the phone was fun to write, but it is very confusing to read and understand, and has nothing to do with the story. I don't know that he meets or speaks to any of the five people again, which is just as well since he ends each conversation with a foul-mouthed tirade. The effect of this will be of a hyperactive character with many deals on the go, yet this is the only time something like this goes off.


It’s to show everything you’ve said, it’s the character he is.  It what he does everyday, he has to deal with Skinny and later sort out DVD players when he’s at his den with his gang.  In that scene Doug has lots of things on the go, its why he cuts back and forth in conversing about Skinny and the DVD players.  Its only when the drug heist comes into play that he drops everything and concentrates on it.


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The severed finger with the wedding ring attached is an arresting image. That scene could open the script. It isn't explained or followed through, so is it just there for effect?


It’s meant to be comic. It finally pushes Skinny to stop buying from Doug because we get a sense that he likes Doug and wants to do business with him in the future even when he’s sold the drugs he’s stolen.


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I don't know why everybody packs a Beretta. Do they all use the same dealer? A gun is a gun, and you don't need to write BANG!!! when one goes off.


I like the gun.  There are only two guns in the script – Skinny’s and one of the beaten clubbers who goes to shoot Chris.  I like the make of gun lol.  Some people like that kind of detail, others don’t – see any James Cameron script for eg.
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kenada_woo
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With the shift between Chris's world and Doug's, flashbacks, unrelated scenes, and characters coming and going - names like Georgie, Matty, and Jayo are mentioned only in passing, although Jayo might be another name for Johno, who is probably a different Johno to Skinny Gang Member #3? - it took me two reads to figure out what was supposed to be going on.


Again the whole point is to be thrown into their world so they’ll throw names around regarding their relationships.  They’re just names people who know each other talk about but don’t mean anything.  Georgie is a good example being that we gather he similar to Skinny in that he buys goods but he’s not important.  Maybe the character names need to be changed.  Instead of names they can be numbers making them less important.


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Mercer is introduced it seems only to give opinions on MORTAL KOMBAT 2. Focus on Chris and Doug and relations between them, with Mel as the floating element, driving a wedge between them.

The story does seem to be moving as Doug's gang plan the attack on Skinny, since there is to be some connection with Chris through the bar that Max owns. "He doesn't get involved. Never has, never will," sets up the conflict between two former friends. This isn't explored.


Why is this conflict?  Doug knows Chris doesn’t get involved and is taking a big risk in friendship in asking him about a meeting with Max.  Chris is beginning to get rid of his rules to allow people inside because they restrict him (from not being able to help and understand Mel, worried and wanting to know about the murders) so he gives Doug a bone.  But when he does he finds out he’s made a life-altering mistake.  


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What is Mel supposed to be doing? She puts her work before her private life, then appears ready to give it up.
  

She’s fixing the botched deal by getting it on track again.  Personally, she wants out of the game like Chris but its tough to do and is that only thing she is good at (see when she gets exhausted).  She wants to open up to him but she is too stubborn and when she sees him opening up she wants to make him happy (see the 1st time they meet succumbing to his lack of interest). She loves him so will do anything, but being that it’s Chris’ story he is the one shutting her out (which he understands, referenced after they have dinner), he likes to keep his distance because of his rules.  By doing this he’s going to lose her so he’s trying to change that.  When he does, things get complicated when they weren’t before.

She knows it’s how he lives his life, it frustrates her but it makes him happy so she doesn’t question it.  She’s very independent, the one that wears the trousers in the relationship and will kick his arse when he’s out of line (see when he embarrasses her at work).  She understands that what is happening around them is getting worst but there is nothing she can do but get the job done.  Then what they both feared happens he is there to save her.    


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Chris seems already to have her, cares too much about her, drives her away with misdirected attention, rushes to save her and literally heads off to the sun. It shouldn't be so easy.


But he’s trying to get her out and he can’t do it.  He’s failing her so his internal struggle gets worst (he hits drink, becomes violent) and holds unsympathetic traits (when he shouts at Mel, when he embarrasses her) because he’s stubborn himself, arrogant when he doesn’t get his way, and turns everything inside himself.  He can’t figure things out because of his rules of not getting involved and asking questions, when he does things become worst and he cant handle it.  He goes from Mr Cool to Mr Troubled and back again when he has to.  Adding to this is the job (when the clubbers come back to kill him, running the club), Doug and Max.  Barry is there to talk sense to him.  His struggles aren’t physical they’re internal.

With all the characters I’ve tried to flip them from being likeable to detestable and back again, adding more layers to them.    


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She first appears to flirt with Barry, but he has little to do in this script, and this familiarity detracts attention from her relationship with Chris.


Sorry if that came across.  Mel is a open girl, its how she gets her job done (and referenced later by Max) but she wasn’t flirting with Barry, they’re long and close friends (see the reference to his dying mother that she knew about)


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Her first introduction should be leaning in Chris's doorway, cooing the title. The usual, more interesting thing would be to have sexual tension between the two, with romance out of the question (she is Max's girl). If you want them to have had a history, then her reappearing in his life at this critical time should have a direct impact on the story. Perhaps he has set up a deal that will now fall through, or be distracted from his struggle to keep drugs out of his club. She can be working on her own interests in unwitting or purposeful opposition to his.


I have thought about this but to me is sounds too clichéd.  Its too easy to write a film like this and dive into twists and turns that you didn’t expect which I think you’re idea will creep into.  I can see where you are coming from and I agree, it just needs another angle in my opinion.


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Doug is the catalyst. I think it needs a lot more than you have in the script to involve the reader in these people's concerns.


I agree.


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When Mel first mentioned them, I thought the 'suppliers' were the clubbers Chris beat up at the beginning, but those three have nothing to do with the story, simply providing heads to break, not once but twice.


Again, as mentioned, it’s a part of running the club.  The clubbers come back to add to problems Chris has.  When the come back a second time he’s argued with Mel and crossed the line in asking to meet Max – the clubbers add to his plight.  And he gets a gun from them that he uses later.


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In fact, it's the Young Men with the Suited Man (who we learned nothing about) that were the dealers, yet it isn't clear what was going on during their appearance, more time being spent swapping cool slang in the corridor ("Got your coke and a smile?" "...in, out, up and down the spout.")


That’s the whole point.  You know a deal is being done but because its Chris’ story he doesn’t want to know and neither do you.  Mel says they were killed later but we don’t see it because it has nothing to do with Chris because he wants nothing to do with it.  When he wants to delve deeper so do we.


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The depiction of violence seems important to you, so I'd make it matter to the story.


Chris is a gangster who can handle himself.  He has a violent past that as hindered him from being one of Max’s right hand men.  He’s trying to change that.  Minus the beating at the beginning, breaking an arm, and the shooting at the end Chris never takes part in any violence, and when he does it effects him – he hits drink, he caves in, he doesn’t care for things.


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Chris could still have the clubbers beaten up as you describe but find himself in trouble if Max thought he'd messed up a deal due to a misunderstanding, when it turns out they were there to meet the Young Men from the big dealer. It would make sense this way because you would give Chris a moral centre.


Sensible idea.


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It's bad enough that there's no story with the main characters…


I’m guessing it needs to be clearer but the story is about friendship, selfishness and willingness to change be it for better or worst.  Chris feels he has to change the way he lives by the rules he placed upon himself to protect and keep his only love Mel.  The changes he makes have good and bad repercussions to everyone involved.    


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…there are too many minor players and it's not easy to know what any of them are up to. Almost everybody winds up dead. Doug needs to be Chris's lifelong friend who turns out to betray him, for whatever reason.


Doesn’t he do that when Chris finds out where the coke came from?  I find it interesting that Doug betrayed his trust more than anything mechanical or physical and its what finally rips an already bad friendship apart.  Chris wants a reason to break up the friendship but he’s too moral and in debt to Doug to do so.  When a moment comes after he frees himself up from his rules it ends up being both good and bad – good as in he finally gets rid of Doug from his life. Bad in the way its happening and that lives are on the line.
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kenada_woo
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You don't need Max at all. Deep Voice knows Chris by name, but isn't mentioned as being Tall Man when they meet, although he does speak with a deep voice. The inference is that he is a mysterious character whose identity has to be concealed from the reader, but this isn't so and it only creates confusion.


Will rectify.  All teh characters are low end criminals, Max is the one everyone is afraid of as an omniscient presence.  When Chris meets him I tried to make it a tense as possible because of who Max is. Max is there to question Chris like no one else can do and also clarify what is happening.  Maybe I should beef up Max’s character with stories about him, involve him with the flashback etc, add myth to him.


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I took the Collector as a Vinny Jones cipher, although he is less than menacing with his handlebar moustache, fingerless mittens, and brown roll-ups. I don't know what he was doing at the bar looking for Chris when we first meet him, but seconds after he goes away Chris strolls down from the office and could easily have bumped into him.


Lol.  If you know about Gypsies they are far more scary than Vinnie Jones could ever be.  The whole dressed up cool-as killer is clichéd, wanted to make him more of a scruffy man you wouldn’t realise was a trained killer.  

He turns up at the Bar because he wants to talk to Chris being that it was the last place the suppliers were before they were killed.  He’s working on the suppliers behalf and doesn’t know anyone so he wouldn’t recognise Chris even if he bumped into him.  


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Later he terrorises people to be told the man he's looking for has an office here like it never occurred to him? You should work harder on a villain than having him do that tired shushing and smoothing of hair as he prepares to torture a bound woman.


True but he’s after Doug rather than Chris.  He’s told that Chris doesn’t work there and he comes in every now and then so it’s off the Collectors radar.  He only wants Doug and is told Doug has gone to see Chris at the Bar so its sends him back to there.  Its Doug he wants, he doesn’t know if Chris knows Doug to begin with so why chase after Chris?  He’s after Doug all the time.  


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Doug and the gang steal the coke off Skinny easily enough (so who did kill the two dealers?)…


Skinny did.  But like I’ve said, Chris and Doug don’t know for sure so neither do we because that is not their story.


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…but I couldn't see why Max would want to buy it. He could send someone like the Collector to steal it back, but he wouldn't want it anyway because he needs a regular supply not a one-off.


Again probably needs to be made clearer.  It’s too good a deal to turn down, and being he has no supplier he needs a supply of coke to keep the money coming through.  Needs to be thought about more on my end.  


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I couldn't see what was driving Chris, and his headaches and drinking made him seem passive and weak.  Yet he is the hero who acts once and gets the girl in the end.


The death of his sister that he blames himself is the reason why he is passive and weak.  He used to be strong and pig headed (which happens in the script) but he had to change all that when she died.  Him being passive and weak adds more to him.  He’s a tough character but is very flawed and layered.  His drive is to save Mel, get her out because he doesn’t want to loose her like his sister which is why he saves her at the end.  


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Despite the history alluded to I don't know what he and Mel had in common. The way these things are usually done there is a man who has lived all his life through violence to get what he thinks he wants. With the love of a good woman he comes to realise it's not the way to live, and renounces his past. He reaches a crisis as everything he holds dear is threatened and he must use violence one last time to resolve it. If that's the intention here I didn't see it.


That was never to intention.  He doesn’t want to see Mel hurt.  When he begins to change his rules and ask questions, let people inside, his equilibrium changes (good and bad).  Its good he wants to help and bring Mel closer to him but when he does the baggage of the job hangs high causing conflict.  So Chris wants to change that by pulling her out that in turn causes torment to people around him (Barry, Mel, Doug etc) which he puts right by getting rid of Doug as a friend, by saving Mel and by leaving Max.


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I can see what you are going for in the tender scenes between Mel and Chris, but they haven't earned this in the story. You could better show her as something he cannot have (if she is his boss's moll or the girlfriend of loyal Barry), and Barry seems to get the intimacy Chris longs for but is denied. Reveal the true reason for her affection for Barry towards the end, where Barry takes care of Chris and opens up to him. Chris sees he has misread their relationship and realises the door is open. Then his rushing to save her would mean something.


Nice idea.  


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Barry is underused. Is he meant to be gay? He shares huggies with Mel, and he and Doug display mutual loathing with no explanation.


He isn’t gay.  The script has lots of friendship and bonding themes between men in a man’s world.  Its not homoerotic they are just close friends willing to do anything for each other.  Barry is the everyman caught up in it.  He’s just a barman who clears Chris’ head and helps him when he needs it, like any friend would. See any John Woo movie.


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I didn't quite understand what happened when the Collector tried to kill him even as Chris (the man he is after) arrives for work. Why kill Barry? What is Chris "so sorry" for, being late for work? Barry gets the bar in the end but his casual attitude from the rest of the script doesn't seem to show he wants it. The place is a liability anyway. This ending only works if Chris is the owner, not Max, or if Max has been killed and Chris walks away to his new life.


The Collector goes there for Chris.  Chris isn’t there and because Barry lied to him before its time the Collector got some truth out of Barry so he hangs him (should change it to make it so Barry is left with a toe on a table or chair that will go any minute).  The Collector needs answers and Barry never gave him them so he goes after Mel (another plot point that needs making better) for more answers.  Chris arrives late.  Chris is sorry because Barry has nothing to do with what’s happening.  Chris has told Barry to stay out and he has, its Chris’ fault with what happened to Barry.  It’s another thing to add to Chris’ plight as he blames everything on himself.  Barry doesn’t want to bar, he’s happy he knows Chris has left.


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About dialogue. You've got plenty of swearing, which I found tiresome to read as it obscures the meaning of what people need to say. It would be far more effective with just a few short sentences wherever characters interact, with the threat of violence implied instead of long pointless rants e.g. "Well f--- you, Paul, you f----n h--o! Do what you f----n want! This c--- is after me, alright! I'm gonna be knocking on St Peter's gate before the week's up, you f----n m----!" Well, it can't come soon enough, that's playground name-calling and does nothing for the story or characters. You need to drop such tough guy posturing and bring out the reality of the situation by using fewer but more important words. In that particular instance the gang are clucking like hens with a fox loose, but there is little sense of menace because they clench their teeth and tough it out.


But that particular line of dialogue comes from Doug reinforces why he’s the leader of their gang and how he reacts in extreme situations.  This is how the characters speak, is how these type of people talk in this world – its full put downs and swearing because its what they do (see Scorsese films, The Wire, The Sopranos, Tarantino films).  Reservoir Dogs and Glengary Glen Ross are a key example of characters at each others throats verbally.


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It would be much more chilling if they find the mutilated body and give each other silent looks, knowing they are next. (See THINGS TO DO IN DENVER WHEN YOU'RE DEAD for an idea of their predicament.)


They do the 1st time they see Davey and Terry dead.


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I didn't get why the Collector visited the bar before going after Doug and his gang, or why he ends up seeking Chris, who isn't involved in any of it.


Paul tells the Collector that Doug is seeing Chris at the Bar so he follows it up.  As mentioned above he’s after Doug and will follow any leads, Chris is caught up in the whole thing.
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