The Biography by James Moen (dethan) - Short, Comedy - What do you want people to know about you? Are you proud of your brains, your writing, your breasts, or your balls. 20 pages - pdf, format  

Hey James,

I enjoyed this one; I thought it was pretty amusing. I laughed at the Michael Jackson gag. I also enjoyed the writer's block gag and the ensuing scenes that came from the tattoo. This was pretty out there and probably not going to everybody's cup of tea, but that's what I liked about it. It was a departure from the usual fare and I thought Frank was an interesting character.

I was mainly reading this to check out the story, not the grammar, but one mistake that jumped out for me was on page two, when Frank said:  

'This for FUCKED UP, that lit rag you publish?

It didn't really make sense.

Thanks for the read Chris.  I appreciate it.

Err, hmm, I'll fix that mistake.  

Glad you liked Frank.  He is why I wrote the short.  I wanted him to have a main role. I tend to use him as a side kick... but he is probably one of my most interesting characters.

I was a little hesitant to make this my first script on this site considering the content.  It definitely is out there. And it is theme based instead of story based, so it has a few things working against it. But hopefully more people decide to give it a go.

Again, thanks for the read.
Dethan

In hindsight I got what he meant. He meant to say 'Is this for FUCKED UP, that lit rag you publish'? It wasn't as confusing when I looked at it again, but I still think it could be a little clearer.  

Great twist and a great read.
So different and refreshing.
Had a few giggles and was kept in complete awe.

The script is not a relaxed read. I found myself reading the scene headings a couple of time to get me into the flash back situations, as there is so much happening.


two minor  mistakes I picked up in the dialogues .

p.13 They natural ask back; shouldn't it be naturally?
p.17 How was Loyd is Lotoya? did you mean as?

Great little piece I thouroughly enjoyed it.

Thanks for the read Elis! I'm glad you liked it.

It is a very flashback heavy script.  It originally was a 1 page ad for a one room play, so I had fun figuring out ways to make it cinematically interesting while keeping true to the original material.  I came up with juxtaposing what Frank thinks is going on and what is really going on.  I thought it came off nicely.  

Only scene I'm still unhappy with is the boat...

The 1 page version of this is a finalist to the Wildsound 1 page screenplay challenge.

Anyway, thanks.  I've started Edward, and so far it is really good.

Dethan

That's great news! It certainly has potential.
Do you have the One page story here, to read?

The one page version can be found at:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-film_contests/m-1178868491/s-29/

At the bottom.

Wow!
You sure have created a hell of a different picture.
I like your one pager but, I must admit, I pefer the longer version.
Did great for a one pager.
Let us know how you go.
Good Luck!  

Contest ended and the 1 pager didn't win.  I'm not surprised or disappointed.  I'm happy it made it that far.

But now I might be ready to tweek this in the next week.  I'm almost done rewriting Specialized Cell Required.

Dethan

This was a fun story. I'd have to say that the greatest part was the dialogue. It was some of the most realistic I've read in a while.

The way the story was told was also great with Harry and the flashbacks and everything. In the beginning I wasn't sure what exactly was going on, but by the end it made more sense.

This wasn't exactly my type of story, but I still enjoyed it.

I can't really think of anything bad to say so I'll read Specialized Cell.

Good Luck

Right off the bat: always start your screenplay with "fade in" and end it with "fade out". The "fade out at the end of the script is supposed to be at the left side of the page. Also with a period behind it. Like so: FADE OUT. and the fade in at the beginning of the script like so: FADE IN:

Why is the National Inquierer in upper case? There's no reason for that.

Use your upper case letters sparingly. "FUCKED UP" should be changed to lower case.

On page seven, don't use "beat", use something else, have him do something, look at something in the room, cross his arms or something, don't use "beat".

Don't use words that end with "ing" in action paragraphs, in stead of writing "he is standing", you write "he stands". Get it?

On page 12, "INT. OFFICE", end the scene heading with a "day" or "night".


I'm not very impressed with the story or the format on this one, it never really grabbed my attention, and to be honest, it's not really that funny. Comedy is the hardest thing in the world to write and it shows here.

You should keep it up though!

Um, thanks for the read.  And finding some of the minor formatting mistakes.  

James.