SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 9:48am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Maverick Shish Kabob Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 11 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Maverick Shish Kabob  (currently 1513 views)
Don
Posted: May 27th, 2007, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Maverick Shish Kabob by Christopher Reid - Short - Maverick Shish Kabob is a send up of the opening scene of Reservoir Dogs. However, this time it's office workers, instead of gangsters, shooting the breeze. 10 pages  - doc, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  May 27th, 2007, 7:44pm
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
mcornetto
Posted: June 3rd, 2007, 5:08am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Your dialogue was spot on and in an Aussie office I could see this conversation happening without any question.  I think, however, that this may have difficulty playing in different cultural settings.

Another issue I had with this was the number of main characters.  You could probably easily get away with that many characters on screen, and you might get away with it - just - in a feature length screenplay but in a short screenplay it is overwhelming.  I had trouble following who was who.  Without in depth analysis I don't think I could tell you if your characters were good or not, whether they kept their voice or not.  It's just too many characters and I think you need to get rid of a few of them.

The last issue I had was the whole businessman thing.  I couldn't tell that they were businessmen from the visuals or the dialogue in the script.  For all I knew they could have been gangsters set up in an office conference room.   They didn't discuss business.  I could not tell who they were and this backstory is essential to understanding the humour in your script.

Overall, good job, not really a story but a pleasant and humourous read. However, it needs less main characters and a bit more backstory.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 1 - 11
Old Time Wesley
Posted: June 3rd, 2007, 3:05pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Location
Ontario, Canada
Posts
2908
Posts Per Day
0.38
First off, you need to get out more. Your knowledge of Tarantino is a little bit much but hey it also makes for a good read.

The dialogue in this short is what shines. Probably the best dialogue, if not the best dialogue I have read in any short on this site to date. Of course you have a few spelling errors and missed words but the dialogue is just so strong.

The problem is everything else. No character building, no plot, not much in the way of story.

What you could do with this short is flesh it out but judging by the logline, you wrote it without any of that for a reason. Tarantino had like 60 minutes after the same conversation to build his characters, you didn't.

For what it is, this is a good piece of writing. It shows your getting better (Unless someone wrote this for you) and it shows your knowledge of film.

Good job and good luck in the future.


Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 11
Shelton
Posted: June 3rd, 2007, 6:10pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Chicago
Posts
3292
Posts Per Day
0.49
I think I need to get out a little bit more myself, because I could tell you the lines that were switched around in this compared to Reservoir Dogs..."You don't have any idea what you're talking about, for example, was originally Mr. White (Harvey)'s line, but here you gave it to Michael (Mr. Blonde).  Most of the characters matched up from RD, but I noticed a few changes.

A few subtle changes in subject matter for their conversations, but this is definitely Tarantino's dialogue.  Anyway, it is what it is.  Your logline wasn't misleading, and it was still fun to read.


Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin

Revision History (1 edits)
Shelton  -  June 3rd, 2007, 7:48pm
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM Reply: 3 - 11
Heretic
Posted: June 3rd, 2007, 7:37pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Posts
2023
Posts Per Day
0.28
Haha I had a hard time with this because I hate that damn debate about whether or not it's his soul in the briefcase, but anyway, yeah, as Mike said, it is what it is, a fun read.

To me, the dialogue was too close to the source material to be a great parody, though.  I think taking more liberties and departing from Tarantino a bit would make this more enjoyable.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 11
elis
Posted: June 3rd, 2007, 8:25pm Report to Moderator
New


I'm back :)

Location
Brisbane, Queensland, Australia
Posts
293
Posts Per Day
0.05
I had problems following all the characters.
Although I enjoyed the overall humour I found it hard to familiarize myself with all the characters.
They seem to lack personality.
I would suggest maybe a bit of a longer story to get the feel of the characters and their personalities.
I am not a big fan of Tarantino so I cannot compare your dialogue to his style.

The formatting is a little out of whack and there was very little action.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 5 - 11
Takeshi
Posted: June 4th, 2007, 6:11am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Thanks for reading this everybody.

This idea came to me when I thought about the possibility of turning Mr Pink’s ‘I don’t tip’ rave into a rave about football tipping. From there I just downloaded the Reservoir Dogs screenplay and used it as a template, that’s why so much of the dialogue from Tarantino’s script has been kept. I was trying to show that you could use pretty much the same words to talk about a completely different topics. So, yeah, I tried to stick as close to it as I could, whilst injecting my own ideas into it. The Marcellus Wallace briefcase thing was a rumour I heard about several years ago, so I looked it up on the net and put it into the script. As for the Sopranos bit, that actually came from my own life experience; I went through a phase when I couldn’t workout why Uncle Junior was getting called Uncle Jew, and then felt like a dumb a$$ when the penny finally dropped. Lol.  


Quoted from mcornetto
Another issue I had with this was the number of main characters.  You could probably easily get away with that many characters on screen, and you might get away with it - just - in a feature length screenplay but in a short screenplay it is overwhelming.  I had trouble following who was who.  Without in depth analysis I don't think I could tell you if your characters were good or not, whether they kept their voice or not.  It's just too many characters and I think you need to get rid of a few of them.

The last issue I had was the whole businessman thing.  I couldn't tell that they were businessmen from the visuals or the dialogue in the script.  For all I knew they could have been gangsters set up in an office conference room.   They didn't discuss business.  I could not tell who they were and this back-story is essential to understanding the humour in your script.


The reason I had so many characters is because that’s how many there are in the opening scene of Reservoir Dogs. As for back-story etc, I guess my target audience is Tarantino fans who know this scene intimately and are therefore able to follow it without the aide of a back-story. However, I agree with what you said about making it clearer that they’re businessmen; I’ll try to work in some reference to their occupation in the next draft.    


Quoted from Old Time Wesley

For what it is, this is a good piece of writing. It shows your getting better (Unless someone wrote this for you) and it shows your knowledge of film.


Alas, a lot of it was Tarantino’s dialogue; I just added subtle changes to it, as Mike said. But I did mix in quite a bit of my own dialogue and ideas as well.


Quoted from Heretic

To me, the dialogue was too close to the source material to be a great parody, though.  I think taking more liberties and departing from Tarantino a bit would make this more enjoyable.


I agree, Heretic. I’ve been thinking about it and I really do need to take a few more liberties with the next draft. For starters, I’ll have to inject some extreme violence, after all, what kind of Tarantino parody is it without that?  


Quoted from elis
The formatting is a little out of whack and there was very little action.


As I’ve said, I’ll put more action/violence into the next one. The next draft should have better formatting because I've just downloaded Celtx.


Revision History (1 edits)
Shelton  -  June 4th, 2007, 6:42am
Logged
e-mail Reply: 6 - 11
Helio
Posted: June 4th, 2007, 8:18am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

Posts
1284
Posts Per Day
0.19
Hey Chris, I read you stuff and I think that I've not to much to say because the people before me already said, but I liked one of some good lines you wrote, dude:

LAWRY
Wong?

QUIN
Fuck you, wrong, I’m right! What the fuck do you know about it anyway? You’re still watching Steven fucking Seagal movies.

LAWRY
Not wrong, dumb ass, Wong! You know the Chinese fucking restaurant.

This was very funny.

All in all I see your work working better on Radio theater. Maybe it should have a great chance on WILDsound Monthly Screenplay Festival and Reading Series.

good work
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 11
Takeshi
Posted: June 4th, 2007, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Thanks for the read, Helio.

Unfortunately I can't take the credit for that gag, it was in Reservoir Dogs, I just changed the wording a bit to fit it into my script.

I've a few new ideas for this one, which I'll implement at a later date, but for now I'll put it down and get to work on another short.

Cheers

Revision History (1 edits)
Shelton  -  June 4th, 2007, 9:13pm
Logged
e-mail Reply: 8 - 11
Ortega
Posted: June 4th, 2007, 11:32pm Report to Moderator
New


New Around Here

Location
Seattle, Washington
Posts
3
Posts Per Day
0.00
I found this to be quite entertaining to me as a person, but as a writer it doesn't cut it for me. There isn't a real story to this, just mindless chatter between a few characters about random things. Your idea is good though, and could probably develop into something much deeper and have more of a story.

This seems more like an exercise rather than a script.

Still, it was entertaining.

I'm new here, so please excuse my choppy review. Just trying to make friends around here!

-Ortega


New on Simply Scripts.

Get to know me!

My birthday is on June 8th! The big one eight. I've been waiting for this birthday since I was born. ; )
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 11
Takeshi
Posted: June 5th, 2007, 12:00am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Thanks Ortega. As I said it's just a send up of the opening scene from Reservoir Dogs.  I'm counting on people being familiar with that particular movie.
Thanks for the read and welcome to Simply Scripts.  
Logged
e-mail Reply: 10 - 11
Zack
Posted: June 5th, 2007, 12:01am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Erlanger, KY
Posts
4487
Posts Per Day
0.69
I'm a fan of Tarantino, so I definetly found some amusement with this. I love how unfocused/ focused the groups conversation was. I felt as if I was watching a Tarantino film. The entire conversation seemed aimless, yet there was an underlying purpose. I think you really got what you were trying to get, a good Tarantino parody. Not a great script, but good none the less.

8 out of 10

Zack
Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 11
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006