Strangers by T. J. Hundtofte (death monkey) - Short - Two strangers strike up idle conversation on a railway platform, waiting for their train. The conversation takes on a disturbing character when one of them seems to know a lot more about the other than he let on.  11 pages - pdf, format

Great work here, TJ, I think it has to much dialogues but in certain way they were necessary. I like stories in train station (Hello Mr Einstein and Hell the last station)

For me this jeff's line was great, maybe a type of line Tarantino should do:

"JEFF
Don?t be. ?Do not fear death so
much, but rather the inadequate
life.? I read that once on the
back a cereal box. It does have a
nice ring to it."

I'm sorry to bring it to here, but I had to.

Congrats TJ and you will see it  being requested soon!

Hey DM,

Format and style were in good shape.  You write well.  I enjoyed the discriptions but sometimes you go a little overboard. For instance, "droopy eyes of a suicidal bloodhound".  It sounds good, but I'm not exactly sure I could find an actor with those type of eyes.  The other descriptions are also vivid, but your doing it to compensate for the one location and the fact that the conflict is all in the dialogue.

SPOILERS BELOW

I'm getting a bit tired of these Assissin killer stories. They have no beginning, why he needs to be killed.   And then the middle gets stretched out to compensate for the one bullet ending. They don't do anything for me.

I did like that you gave Jeff the Assassin a history.  He seems to be manipulating things with a purpose.

The conflict of the story is all in the dialogue.  It isn't a visual story.  It would almost be better as a 10 minute play.

This is probably the best of the assassin killer stories I've read recently, but that is one low bar to jump over.

If you want to make it more interesting you need to add more conflict... not just stretch out the one line of conflict.  See if you can figure out a way to make things worse.  Killing a character is the easy way out... give us a visceral struggle as well as the intelectual one.

Dethan

Thanks for the read, guys.

Helio,

About the dialogue, yeah I went overboard. I guess I was over-compensating from having just written a script with no dialogue!

Glad you liked it though, and yeah that line was a favorite of mine too.

Dethan,

I know my subject matter has been done to death. I wrote this in about an hour as a break from another script I was writing, and it's pretty much just a exercise in having 'cool' dialogue.

You make a good point about the visuals too. Like I said, I'm probably still reeling from The Mute. If I do a rewrite, I will try to make ammends for that.

However I didn't want any reason for him to be killed, just like I don't want a reason for why zombies come back to life in a zombie-flick. Pick your excuse, radiation, comet, voodoo, biological experiments, they all been done to death. Just like reasons for getting killed by a hitman. In 10 minutes the reason why ain't gonna matter to the audience, if he embezzled, if he slept with the Don's daughter, if he, like Jeff suggests "hurt somebody's feelings". I think it would make the story plain(er) if I explained why he was being offed.

I'm not crazy about the ending myself. I want something stronger. At one point I had Nathan survive and carry out the kill the next day, or at least have us see a newspaper being delivered to Jeff's door with an unsolved homocide, but opted against it, because Jeff's a professional. He takes pride in what he does and it matters to him. He was never gonna let Nathan go. He just wanted the moral high-ground. By manipulating him to risk the lives of everyone he loves, he makes a would-be murderer out of Nathan after all, and he's not innocent any more.

And by the way, my mental image of Jeff was a Stanley Tucci/John Turturro kinda guy.

But thanks for the read!

Ahh, yeah, John Turturro sounds about right.

I wasn't really criticizing your script for skipping the "why" Nathan needs to be hit.  You at least knew it was an issue and addressed it, most of the scripts I've read recently avoid it entirely.  But, while reading it, I did wonder who would put a hit on a fiction writer and for what reason.  And what would scare him enough to be out at 4:15AM.  You took away the obvious, cheating people and murder.  So it has to be something odd and unique, and Nathan doesn't seem like the sleeping around type. To me that sounds like an interesting story...

As for the ending, I agree, what you chose was probably the stronger of the two endings you've outlined.

I'd disagree with the Zombie part though.  A good Monster movie needs a high concept creation myth, something that'll seperate your zombies from all the others. Otherwise, you might as well purchase space in a bargain bin and not make the movie. It'd be cheaper on the pocket book.

Dethan

Quoted Text I'd disagree with the Zombie part though.  A good Monster movie needs a high concept creation myth, something that'll seperate your zombies from all the others. Otherwise, you might as well purchase space in a bargain bin and not make the movie. It'd be cheaper on the pocket book.

If there was such a thing as a clever explanation for having zombies (Shivers comes to mind, but not really), I'd agree with you. But If I had to pick between a rage-virus and nothing, I'd go with nothing. Nobody really cares about WHY the zombies are there, do they? It's like a Jean Claude van Damme movie. In the beginning he'd always do a little dance about why he spoke with an accent but after a few movies they just skipped it 'cause people didn't care why he had an accent, they just wanted to see a roundhouse kick.

But I'm really digressing now...

As for why Nathan was hit...I have a few theories myself. And I just bet somebody's gonna call me out on this and say "it's your job to know!"

Uh Huh.

Yeah, exactly like a Jean Claude van Damme movie.  Do people still watch those? Yeesh. What crap.

Dethan

Quoted from Death Monkey And by the way, my mental image of Jeff was a Stanley Tucci/John Turturro kinda guy.

The "zen" description and the drawn out monologues regarding death and humanity had me thinking David Carradine for some reason.

It was an interesting read...Jeff didn't come to me as much of a surprise, but I did like the "life for a life" thing you did.  As far as the ending, I was anticipating Nathan to jump onto the tracks.  It was probably Jeff's "Step up...pay the price" line.  I was thinking more in a literal sense there, and thought it would have been cool to see him accomplish what he was supposed to without really doing anything.

Nice work.

I have to agree that the concept is mostly tired, but personally, I found the "life for a life" idea interesting, at least.  At first I thought it was silly, but when I discovered Jeff's real reason for it I was fairly satisfied.

The droopy eyes of a suicidal bloodhound made me think Steve Buscemi, personally.

The dialogue was definitely excessive but it was moderately snappy.  The Tarantino-generation hitman character is wearing thin these days but what can you do.  This was fun to read and I'm sure it was fun to write.

Mike,

Haha, I think it's funny you envision David Caradine and Heretic sees Steve Buscemi; two Tarantino players.

Anyway, thanks for the read. As for Nathan jumping onto the tracks, I don't think he'd have the guts. The point is he was so afraid of dying he would forsake everything to get out alive.

Heretic,

It was very fun to write, indeed. I just let myself go, really. I knew it would be seen as a Tarantino wannabe script, but honestly he was hardly an inspiration here. This was more a Cohen brothers homage to their kind of hitmen. I was thinking Blood Simple, Miller's Crossing and I just watched a scene from No Country for Old Men last week with Javier Bardem's hitman character and I felt inspired. But yeah, I realize it's hard to dodge the Tarantino comparison when you got this subject matter.

But thanks for reading!

Quoted from Dethan Uh Huh. Yeah, exactly like a Jean Claude van Damme movie.  Do people still watch those? Yeesh. What crap. Dethan

Hey, Blood Sport was awesome...

Hey T.J, this was a pretty c0ol script.

First off I like your descriptions, you make it very easy for the reader to picture the scene in their head "Droopy eyes of a suicidal hound dog"...HA...that was probably my favourite description.

I also like you're dialogue here, especially from Jeff, even though I could see the set up with him and his true identity, he was interesting.

All in all this is solid writing.  with this and the last script of yours I read "The Mute" you are up there in the ranks of Martin as one of the best writers on this site.  Good work.

When I saw who wrote the script and then I saw the logline I thought, "Oh No, Death Monkey has sold out!". I didn't think the script was going to be upto much I must admit.

I should have had more faith in your ability. It was very enjoyable to read and as everyone else has said the life for a life idea was interesting.

The negatives:

Generally.

As already mentioned, the hitman idea has been done to death. There really needs to be something incredibly new and original about it, and I don't think this quite got there.

Maybe the originality would lie in why this man wants to kill the writer. I know you are trying to stay away from this, but if you are intent on using a hitman in the story I really feel there needs to be a more original vein running through the story.

This begs a question; Is it imperative that it is a hitman and not just a person with a strange grudge? Maybe he is a religious nut who doesn't like the stories that he writes and wants to see if the writer actually has a soul, perhaps he's God himself, I don't know.

My only fear is that the really interesting part of the film is kind of stuck in a framework that we've all seen before,  so even though it is so good it is slightly underwhelming.

Specifically

1.Nathan knows he is being tracked to be killed, yet he takes public transport? Not the wisest of moves.

2. He's struggling for breath so presumably he is aware of the immediate danger to his health. Why then is he so amiable to the stranger?

3. The dialogue, particularly from Jeff is excessive.

4. The end of Jeff's speech seems out of place. The film  should end with him killing Nathan and walking calmly, even sadly away. Anything of that speech you think is important should come earlier IMHO.

Anyway, a good job. it would make a very good Noir type film.

Rick.

Jordan,

Whoa, thanks for the praise, I'm honoured being mentioned in the same category as Martin.

I'm glad you liked it overall and thought Jeff was interesting. I wanted to make Jeff not a bad guy as such but just a guy with a job that had to be done, complete with the alienated kids, and sleep-deprivated expression. Even an extraordinarily ordinary name.

Rick,

Thanks for the read, I'm glad you didn't feel I completely sold out! Haha that made me laugh, I've written three shorts and already I've got a reputation to consider...

If I suddenly get an epiphany about a possible motive that would tie in perfectly with Nathan's demise, then I'm gonna write it, but I don't feel it's absolutely necessary at this point.

As for the religious nut angle, I probably won't go that way. The one cliché I hate about serial killer movies is the religious nut angle. the "You must die, because you're a sinner!". It's been rehashed since Seven and honestly I feel people use the 'nut' part as an excuse to have the guy say and act in any way they want.

I wanted Jeff to completely sane, completely collected and completely in tune with what he does. He doesn't hate Nathan, he has no grudge. That, I think, makes the taking of the life even more disturbing because you get a feeling that he really doesn't have to kill him. Like Nathan says: He could let him go and say he missed him or something (Which actually happens to Turturro's character in Miller's Crossing, with dire consequences). But he doesn't.

I agree that the script has issues, and that it is underwhelming in the end. This is, in my opinion, the weakest of my three scripts, but I was just aching to write something with a few catchy lines in it, and who knows, maybe the easy casting, one location and simple premise will make it attractive for production?

As for specifics:

1. Nathan doesn't know he's tracked to be killed. He only knows he crossed the wrong people and that they are probably looking for him.

2. Hmm...Good point. I just wanted him to be running to catch his train, to get out of town, not as a result of him being chased. But maybe I shouldn't have him running in the beginning...

3. Yeah, maybe it is. I can't really defend it. I like his dialogue but perhaps it is a bit too much.

4. I'm not sure about that. I'm gonna have give that another look.

But as always thorough critique. Thanks for that and thanks for reading.

Quoted Text As for the religious nut angle, I probably won't go that way. The one cliché I hate about serial killer movies is the religious nut angle. the "You must die, because you're a sinner!". It's been rehashed since Seven and honestly I feel people use the 'nut' part as an excuse to have the guy say and act in any way they want.

Yeah, that's fair enough. I was just throwing ideas out.

Quoted Text I agree that the script has issues, and that it is underwhelming in the end. This is, in my opinion, the weakest of my three scripts, but I was just aching to write something with a few catchy lines in it, and who knows, maybe the easy casting, one location and simple premise will make it attractive for production?

It's definitely the sort of thing that I could see being produced and the dialogue is excellent.

Quoted Text 1. Nathan doesn't know he's tracked to be killed. He only knows he crossed the wrong people and that they are probably looking for him.

He seems to. As soon as he knows Jeff knows his name he is scared for his life. He instantly expects to be killed.

This might not even be a problem, but it's the way it came across to me.

Quoted Text 4. I'm not sure about that. I'm gonna have give that another look.

I thought it would be more of a shock and would encourage the audience to think about what the film was about if it was more abrupt.

However, if you decide to keep it as it is, the one thing I would do is keep nathan alive while Jeff talks. You know shoot him in in the stomach and have him scrabble about a bit and then finish him off with the final line.