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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Short Work Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 14th, 2007, 5:41pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Short Work by Mike Shelton - Short - There's big money on the line in this high stakes fight to the death, and one of the combatants is about to put his whole heart into it. - pdf, format


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Heretic
Posted: June 14th, 2007, 6:30pm Report to Moderator
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Well I don't know.  This was a lot too much description and a bit too little point for my liking.

Well written as always, and of course the concept was charming, but I guess I felt like you didn't really do much with it.  Everything seemed a little bit too straight forward after the initial reveal.  Really, I guess, it seemed like this story would've been the same without the unusual nature of Sullivan.  I definitely would've liked to see more dialogue, especially something to give it a bit more of an original spin.

It wasn't unexpected and there weren't really any jokes or twists that I didn't see coming after the inital reveal.  It was a quick read, it was well written, but I didn't really dig it, I guess, in the end, and it was a bit of a one-note joke.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 14th, 2007, 7:17pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this. An original use of our old friend the Zombie.

I agree with Heretic that there isn't much to it, but it still flows along nicely.

The one thing I would say about it though is how friendly everyone seems to be for what apparently is a death match. You would think they were about to meet for a cup of tea the way they greet each other.
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elis
Posted: June 14th, 2007, 9:26pm Report to Moderator
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Never been a great fan of Zombie stories. All they ever do is kill and eat human flesh.

Your title sure doesn't reflect on the story; I suppose the logline doesn't either.

I found the story is well written and flowed nicely but there wasn't enough in there to keep me in suspence.


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Shelton
Posted: June 14th, 2007, 10:09pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the reads everyone...I'll hit all the responses at once.

Figures...I write in my normal style and get called talky, then I try to change things up a little and now I'm too descriptive.  Great.

I wanted to make the story feel like it would be the same even if it weren't for Sullivan's condition.  That was just a little portion of it that threw things for a loop, but I didn't want to make the entire thing revolve aroudn it.  It was more or less a small part of the long standing feud between Lyle and O'Fallon.

You really saw the heart attack coming?  The only joke in this script is when Hollis is at the top of the cage with Lyle yelling up at him.  What else did you think was a joke or a twist?

Lyle and O'Fallon's meeting doesn't go over the top with them hating each other, sure, but I think the fact that they don't like each other is definitely there.

The title is referenced slightly in the dialogue.  I almost got right to the point and called it Zombie Pit Fighter, but thought that was a little too obvious.  Of course if I had called it that I probably would have had 10 reads by now.

The logline is a pun which I thought would be pretty easy to catch.


Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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Seth
Posted: June 15th, 2007, 12:05am Report to Moderator
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Having recently read Zen/Fury and noting a few akward descriptives, I have to say, this is, in terms of action, much improved. Still, you might want to consider shortening your sentences to better reflect the "rate of movement," the pace. If something happens quickly, it should, I think, be written quickly  -- in a short sentence. This, of course, is just my opinion.

Also, you might want to reconsider your use of adverbs. They slow the action and, in almost every instance, could be removed with little or no loss of meaning.

That aside, this is a well written script.  My favorite part is the dialogue -- it was just enough.

As for the story, I'm not sure. It felt like picture or a moment in time -- almost as if I'd arrived at the show only to see the end. Perhaps this was your intent?

Seth


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Seth  -  June 15th, 2007, 2:24am
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Heretic
Posted: June 15th, 2007, 12:08am Report to Moderator
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Haha you know why I saw the heart attack coming...I'd forgotten about this...is that I had just watched Something's Gotta Give, and that, combined with the logline, sorta put the idea of a heart attack in my mind.  So I guess that was just unlucky.

Maybe I didn't enjoy it because there aren't really any likeable characters!  That's a possibility that I hadn't really considered until now.  Sort of lacks a protagonist, in fact, doesn't it?
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Shelton
Posted: June 15th, 2007, 8:58am Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I can agree that it lacks a clear cut protag,  O'Fallon being the closest.  I figured that given the matter at hand and what these guys are doing, it would make sense for none of them to come off as completely likeable.


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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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Helio
Posted: June 15th, 2007, 9:32am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike,

I felt used like Sullivan here. I waited other thing than that. Like Ellis said the title neither the logline reflect what realy your script is. I'm not fan of this type of stories, but I have to say your writing continues to please us. Im' sorry but for me you are better in others genres than this one.
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dogglebe
Posted: June 15th, 2007, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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An interesting script, Mike.  I thought it was a bit wordy in your description and dialogue.  Tightening it up could trim it by two pages.

SPOILERERERERER SPACEEEEEEEE

What made you think of a zombie in such a script?  It seemed very out of place.  Nice surprise twist, but hr seemed very out of place.


Phil
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Shelton
Posted: June 15th, 2007, 4:09pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not sure really.  I guess I was just looking to put a different spin on things and I came up with that.

I probably did go a little overboard with some stuff, but I guessed that the final product wouldn't be that long anyway, so I didn't trim as much off.


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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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dogglebe
Posted: June 15th, 2007, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Shelton
I probably did go a little overboard with some stuff, but I guessed that the final product wouldn't be that long anyway, so I didn't trim as much off.


Another problem I had was everyone quickly accepted the fact that there was a zombie in front of them.  If a horror/fantasy script, it could happen, but not in a dramatic and realistic situation like this.  Can you picture Ed Norton taking on a zombie in Fight Club?


Phil

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AdamHebel
Posted: June 16th, 2007, 12:14am Report to Moderator
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I'm not sure how I feel about this...a zombie boxing flick...meh...the twist at the end doesn't make much sense, either. Why wouldn't he have just shot him prior. And, earlier in the script you mentioned that Sullivan was dead...so how does a bullet to the head kill him anymore than he already is? The formatting was good, however it seems quite a few of your sentances are run-ons. Many of your action lines / "paragraphs" are one, very long sentance. Break the action down into several short and concise sentances. I didn't necessarly dislike your script. The flaws I've pointed out just stuck out.
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Shelton
Posted: June 16th, 2007, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AdamHebel
And, earlier in the script you mentioned that Sullivan was dead...so how does a bullet to the head kill him anymore than he already is?


A bullet to the head is the preferred method of killing a zombie in most zombie films.

Thanks for the read.


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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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AdamHebel
Posted: June 16th, 2007, 3:50pm Report to Moderator
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One more minor comment that I forgot to mention previously. On page 7 you wrote..."Lyle quickly shakes his head up and down." This is a little pet peave of mine, but no big deal. Shakes are side to side meaning no. So if one says "so and so shakes his head" ...side to side and no are implied....nods are up and down...indicating yes. I imagine you know this already...i just had to mention it..

Keep the work coming Mike.

-Adam-
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